To stay or go?

[weeble78]

Hey everyone

 

Since my bf and I talked about moving in and then he decided he didn't want to 'yet', the last week he has been acting strangely.

 

Basically he is making me feel like I'm some sort of obsessive. He has been weird about me putting pics of us on Facebook, he keeps mentioning the word 'stalker behaviour', he is putting off things we were supposed to do together and I am just getting the vibe that he has changed his mind about the relationship.

 

When this all started he was the one talking about moving in. He'd drop in comments constantly into conversation and was very attentive. He mentioned going travelling and having babies, asking me questions about children etc. Since I said I would be happy to move in now, he said he'd prefer to hang out with his friends for the summer. I have since found another place.

 

The thing is he keeps making these comments and making me feel clingy and obsessive, even though I'm not. I have been out with my friends all weekend, saw him last night and instead of spending the day together he wanted to go and chill with his friends instead.

 

The vibe I am getting is that he has changed his mind.

 

Do I go and talk this through with him because I am fed up of the little comments, or do I try and let it all pass and just give him free rein?

 

I was so excited that he appeared to want a future together, now I feel like he has realised he hasn't. If he does not, I feel it would be best for me to walk away now.

 

Opinions/advice appreciated muchos..

[weeble78]

Ps since I said I'd found this other place, he was over the moon as it is a month by month contract, and I told him I still wanted us to move in and he replied of course, we can still talk about it.

 

WTF is that supposed to mean?

 

I feel totally stupid spending time getting excited about him talking about being together forever etc and then he backs off. I refuse to get involved with another player.

[weeble78]

Anybody? I'm sitting wondering if I should go over to his now and talk to him about this because two weeks of wondering why things have changed is just too hard.

[kungfudude]

Hi weeble,

 

It is difficult to answer your question without knowing more of the background. But your question is valid. From my perspective, as soon as I mention to a woman that I would like to move in, be committed etc, something changes in the relationship. It could be me or something else.

 

I heard the following comment some years back and it holds some truths.

A men gets into a relationship expecting things to stay the same.

A women gets into a relationship expecting things to change. And from my perspective they try to change a man to their way.

 

My advice, be patient, stop second guessing yourself. Give up expectations yet hold the hope of the future in your heart. It will all work out.

[weeble78]

That's lovely and calming Kungfudude. But what if all the talk about our future has made him realise I'm not it and he's decided that he doesn't want the future with me but will stay with me for the time being?

 

He used to make a comment at least once everytime he saw me about our future. Also we used to see a lot more of each other and were spending almost every night together. This is really scary and I'm scared of walking around thinking about our future whilst he's walking around starting to look at other options.

 

Although funnily two days ago he asked me to bring some stuff over to his to leave there i.e. clothes, shoes and toiletries. I ignored this and didn't. Also he said he wanted us to go on a holiday together. I ignored that too and live in hope he might arrange something for the two of us to do.

 

I can't gauge whether I'm being too pushy for him, or whether I'm not pushy enough.

[BWLoca]

How long have the two of you been dating?

 

What comments has he been making that make you feel obsessive and clingy?

[weeble78]

Hello there,

 

We've been dating nearly 7 months.

 

Friday he asked me to come over, I did and he was in the bathroom so I went to wait in his room. I was sitting on the bed when he came in and he asked why I was sitting there on my own all stalkerish and weird.

 

The other day when I said I'd put pics on Facebook he got a bit funny, we were talking about it and he said he doesn't use it full stop (not true) and made a comment (I can't remember) but said something about cyber-stalking and obsessive behaviour. He said that jokingly about himself I think, but I remember thinking how out of character it was.

 

Also when he'd been away for four days, I was out the whole day and night the day he came back. I got in to his at 11.30 at night and he asked if I'd left first out of everyone in the group and if they were all still out.

 

Just little things, but put them together and it's making me feel like he's seeing me as being obsessed with him or something.

 

I find this strange as I go out with friends nearly as much as I see him. He contacts me most of the time, and I'm not a clingy person.

 

Since he appeared not to want to move in with me I have been upset but I've kept this to myself not wanting to pressurise him at all.

 

Any ideas? I am feeling like I'm in such a weird place at the moment with no idea of where it is or how I've got here?!

[newdawn]

I'd say he's the one in the weird place, doesn't seem to know what he wants, sending you mixed messages, e.g., bring your stuff over, then you're stalking me. Maybe back off on the relationship, tell him you should go separate ways for a while and then really do that. Date other people. See where life takes you. If he comes back around, maybe there's a future, but you don't need this craziness.

[weeble78]

Does anyone else agree with this as this is almost what I've been thinking I may have to do.

 

I've pulled away from him the last few days, going out with the girls, not instantly returning his texts etc - today he bought me roses while we were out but then said he wanted to spend time with his friends this afternoon rather than with me, which was what we'd said we'd do.

 

I'm thinking it is ridiculous that I should have to play the pulling away game to try and make him a little worreid that he might lose me. If he truly loved me then surely he wouldn't be doing this?

[BWLoca]

I agree that maybe you should back off a little bit (and that he's the one being weird) if it's the comments that are bugging you the most. Though discussing this with him will have to be a very careful move on your part. You don't know yet if he actually feels less for you, or if he is just getting more comfortable after 7 months.

 

If the moving in thing is what's bothering you the most, then maybe get a ballpark time of when he may be ready, and decide if you can live with that. If not, there are plenty of good men out there.

[weeble78]

Well both the comments are bugging me AND the moving in. As far as I can see I have done nothing any differently than before to look obsessive. NOW though I am being careful about not calling him, not to hold his hand or cuddle too much, not to be the first to say I love him, to ignore anything he says about the future.

 

Before I found this new place we'd decided on Autumn to move in - maybe Sept/Oct. SInce I found the new place, we didn't talk about it - he was just over the moon I'd found somewhere without a contract. He then said we could just talk about it at times. So now I have no idea if he still wants tokeep Autumn in mind, or if he thinks we're leaving it now I'm moving in with somebody else.

 

I'm gutted about all this because I was so happy with the way things were going. We talked tonnes about what we wanted our new place to look like, how we'd be when we were living together etc.

 

I feel he's changed his mind about me and can't stop crying and have felt this way for the last week. We're seeing less of each other and I feel his heart's not in it when we do.

 

Can I really just sit back and pretend to be less interested for a couple of weeks and see what happens?

[weeble78]

Does anybody think it's a good idea for me to talk to him and tell him that the way he's behaving is making me feel like I'm walking on eggshells and feel like getting some space?

[BWLoca]

I wouldn't say pretend to be less interested in him...just find more interest in other things.

 

I think maybe that because you were spending so much time with each other the past few months, he feels the need to have some guy time.

 

The only way to know for sure is to talk to him about it.

[weeble78]

Hi, thanks for your reply.

 

Although it's nice to hear what your opinion is (as in it's nothing horrible), it still makes me wonder then if he views me as somebody to move in with/settle down with.

 

Am I rushing things even though I'm sure of where I want this to head?

 

I can easily give him space if I think that's all he needs, and I know I should calm down.

 

As for the other interests, I have several hobbies, go out with friends at least twice a week, and don't accept every offer he extends to hang out with him.

 

He's just texted now asking what I'm up to. I'm trying to chill and wait to see how things pan out, but I'm finding it's becoming harder as the days go on.

 

I guess I kind of feel like I've met the 'one', and am so excited about that (which initially he was when he realised I wanted to move in with him, settle down etc) that I want to be celebrating and moving things onwards. Is that wrong?

[BWLoca]

Am I rushing things even though I'm sure of where I want this to head?

 

I can easily give him space if I think that's all he needs, and I know I should calm down.

 

I guess I kind of feel like I've met the 'one', and am so excited about that (which initially he was when he realised I wanted to move in with him, settle down etc) that I want to be celebrating and moving things onwards. Is that wrong?

 

No, it's not wrong for you to feel that way. But it's also not wrong if he doesn't feel that way, yet. Some people just move slower than others. It's all a matter of how long you're willing to give him.

[Mme. Chaucer]

If you are in a real relationship with this guy and it's important to you, of course you should talk to him about the way things are going. Why is there a question? Communication is a big part of relationship.

 

Sadly, it might bring things to a head and cause the two of you to go separate ways. Perhaps this is why you are so reluctant to talk to him. I can sure understand if that is how you feel, especially when he commenting on your "stalkerish" and needy behavior. You have to do right by yourself though. If you want to be in a committed relationship, it's right that you know just where this guy stands. I know little about your situation but it does sound as if he is pulling away and trying to put the "blame" on you. He might be getting "cold feet," or maybe he has really changed his mind.

 

It will take courage but I think you should talk.

[weeble78]

So essentially you're saying I have to have some sort of timeframe and after this, he could still say he's not ready and so I would have wasted my time waiting for him?

 

He's just texted tonight to say he's going out with the boys tonight (which he never does). we usually spend at least one day of the weekend together, but all I've seen of him was he met me up last night and came home to go to bed with me, and then left in the morning.

 

I'm trying not to be made a fool of, but trying not to rush things and get insecure and paranoid at the same time (which I've done in the past).

 

I just feel like with the way he behaved in the past (desperate to see me, desperate to move things along, excited about our future) - it feels weird now he's acting like we've turned the relationship back to just dating or turned it down a notch.

 

Everything's screaming at me to protect myself and finish with him first, that he's just realised he doesn't love me that much and isn't sure. I feel he should be sure by 6 odd months.

[BWLoca]

So essentially you're saying I have to have some sort of timeframe and after this, he could still say he's not ready and so I would have wasted my time waiting for him?

 

He's just texted tonight to say he's going out with the boys tonight (which he never does). we usually spend at least one day of the weekend together, but all I've seen of him was he met me up last night and came home to go to bed with me, and then left in the morning.

 

I'm trying not to be made a fool of, but trying not to rush things and get insecure and paranoid at the same time (which I've done in the past).

 

I just feel like with the way he behaved in the past (desperate to see me, desperate to move things along, excited about our future) - it feels weird now he's acting like we've turned the relationship back to just dating or turned it down a notch.

 

Everything's screaming at me to protect myself and finish with him first, that he's just realised he doesn't love me that much and isn't sure. I feel he should be sure by 6 odd months.

 

 

How will you know all of this without talking to him and communicating? His reaction would be the biggest indicator.

 

Is he pretty laid back about most things in life?

[Maria_la_Guera]

Sounds like he suddenly got scared of the reality of commitment to a relationship when you were moving in and maybe that is why he feels trapped and imagines you are stalking him, even when you're not. I'd say take it easy, give up moving in for some months, keep on doing your thing, relax, go out with friends and take some distance from him but don't consider breaking up as yet (unless he gives you a good reason to). That way you'll see how he reacts. If he does care about you, like it seems because he wanted to move in with you in the first place, he'll eventually come back, when he's got over himself. That way he will do it at his own time and you can be sure that you didn't pressure him into commitment but that he really wants it. He also seems to want to keep the relationship going by contacting you and bringing you flowers so I don't think you have so much to worry about.

But if it goes on for months and you feel too insecure all the time, do reconsider, after all you should be feeling good in the relationship in the long run.

[weeble78]

Hey guys

 

Thanks for your responses and advice - it's lovely to have feedback.

 

I've just been over to his and talked about it wtih him.

 

I called him up as he was texting me about what he was up to tonight, asked to pop round. He said he was just about to go out, I said I just wanted to see him about something (couldn't think of another way of putting it) - he said he could spare me 15 mins and got a bit annoyed (he never does that, but I think he knew what was coming).

 

So, I told him waht I thought about his comments and that I felt maybe he feels things are going to fast, he might have cold feet or want to put it off longer and reassured him that that was fine if that was the case. I said that I'd prefer him to talk to me about how he was feeling. He said he'd made the comments off the cuff and was joking, that he didn't intend for them to mean anything and that he was sorry if they upset me. He also got frustrated - I said I felt like I was walking on eggshells and now he says he feels he has to watch what he jokes about - turning the convo around to himself but I somewaht ignored that.

 

Essentially he made it about the moving in thing, and said he wants to move in, can't because he's just left his job, wants to start looking if I do, wasn't sure if I was going to be living with this new girl for 6 montsh, a year, two years etc. He is massively laid back as a person and is this waywith everything in his life. He said he wants to marry me and said that he wants to spend the summer in the house with the boys and then can't wait to start looking for places with me. He said he doesn'tfeel it's moving too fast and has known for a long time he feels his future is with me.

 

He thinks I'm carrying over 'stuff' from my last relationship, and that I'm overthinking things sometimes. I feel this annoys him, but if that's the case then maybe I do. If I'm not sure about comments I feel it's my right to ask him about the meaning owing to the way he's responded to things in the past.

 

Overall he realised we hadn't clarified things but said I was overanalysing the comments and misconstruing things, and that I take him too seriously. because he's said things in the past I now take the stance that if he says something negligible or inappropriately, I ask him about it.

 

He blew it into a big deal, whereas I just wanted to communicate how I feel and see what his response was. Hopefully he understands that, but it remains to be seen and only time will tell. It's always been me to broach subjects, two or three times things he'ss done to upset me, and once I felt he was really upset but wasn't telling me which turned out to be the case. I feel he gets annoyed with the way I do things, but it just always seems to be the way it comes out.

 

We're both quite different but realise that, and hopefully we can always meet in the middle, as this seems to be how we've dealt with everything so far. I do feel uneasy sometimes though as if ever he has any doubts, he gets het up or nervous, and reacts rather than just telling me.

 

Anyway, to cut a long post just a little shorter, we seem to have missed each other's points again. If things are starting to blow out or we're not right, I'd rather bring things to a head than bury my head underground.

 

What does anyone else think?

[harmfulsweetz]

Sometimes, when you see each other a lot, and are so used to talking about the future, you get into this 'rut' (only word I have for it), this routine, and when that no longer happens, you instantly think something is wrong, when there may be nothing wrong. It may be that he wants to claim some of his life back, you've been together seven months, and maybe he wants to make sure he stays true to himself by going with his friends etc, holding things off. This may not be a reflection on you at all, but more that he is jumping back perhaps to gain some life outside of you. We've all had relationships whereby we sacrifice our old lives, our friends, who we were as individuals, to be with another person. And we've all had the backwash of it too. It's not pretty.

 

I think you should talk with him, especially about the comments. Why is he making those comments? Is he uncomfortable about the FB pictures? If so, why? I'm not sure catching him just as he goes out is the best method for communicating issues with him, especially ones you feel are big enough to potentially break up over. Perhaps the next time he makes a comment like that, speak up then and there. Resolve it right away, so you can move forward rather than dwell on what he meant etc.

 

You mentioned he's very laid back with everything, chances are, that won't change. It sounds like you would sort of like it to change, you'd like him to be more proactive maybe? Is that attitude one you can see yourself living with?

 

Overall, I think this is all a miscommunication on both ends, he makes a joke, you take it seriously. You talk about what bothers you, he blows it out of proportion, you need to find a method of communicating what you feel so that he understands the issue. And he needs to also learn to do the same. If you feel he is bowing out of the relationship because he spends more time doing his own thing, maybe you need to work out why you think that, why you equate to spending time with friends=break up. It's not unheard of for people to not realize the impressions they are giving to people.

 

Again, sit him down and talk with him. Say what you have said here, don't accuse, talk about the here and now, I read a lot of 'future this' and 'future that' that's all well and good, but you need to keep it to things that are relevant to now. Use 'I feel' statements, you may feel silly broaching it again, but you need to because it is still bothering you. Base your decision on your findings after it.

 

It could be that he doesn't realize his actions make you feel the way you do, or it could be that he's questioning his future. I personally think it's seven months, and that's not a long, long time to be discussing such important issues as children, and such, and worrying over how badly a person wants to be with them for life etc. If it were three years down the line and this was happening, I'd worry, but it's seven months. He probably just wants to have his own time, and maybe he does feel you cling to him, and resent you slightly for it, and is grasping at his freedom for a bit. I know when I used to see my ex loads, I'd claw tooth and nail for my freedom for a bit. Not because I was bowing out of the R, but because I wanted to be me, and not just 'us.'

[weeble78]

Hi

 

Thanks for your response. I am very happy for him to spend more time with friends. At the beginning he wouldn't let me go out on my own and invited himself along to everything. I've always encouraged him actively to go out more on his own and do stuff without me so I'm happy about that. The only issues I have are that he doesn't say when something is bothering him so it's up to me to guess, and that he makes silly comments instead of saying something.

 

I've just had a call from him and he is now furious. He says he is worried I am putting words into his mouth and that he is very unhappy with the way I approached things today. That I don't seem to know him very well and that I was assuming what he was feeling and that he was bottling things up. He has said he is not a lapdog to be walked all over when I have the hump about something. He started shouting so I put the phone down. Then he got madder, and now he is coming over to talk.

 

He's been out with the boys so I'm assuming he's been talking to them.

 

I don't understand how it's escalated so much when he was fine earlier and said he was happy talking to me about stuff. I said to him I don't feel like I can confide in him now or trust him to listen to my feelings or concerns.

[CLC2008]

eeesh-kabish.

 

He's bucking like a wild horse.

 

At the beginning he wouldn't let me go out on my own and invited himself along to everything.

 

This is unsettling. Especially since he is accusing you of the very same thing (i.e. being obsessive).

 

I can't tell you whether you should stay or go, but, I would seriously reconsider moving in with him at this juncture. It's just too much pressure right now, for the both of you. Forge ahead with finding your own place and maybe down the road, things will settle.

[weeble78]

Well he's now walked out on me. He accused me of accusing him of things, when I was trying to get across my feelings towards him. He says I'm throwing temper tantrums - when I'm trying to say I'm upset and want to talk things through with him.

 

He said that the way I approached things/communicated was WRONG, and that I made him feel inadequate and like sh*t, and like he was acting WRONG. I tried to explain that I wanted to communicate my feelings to him but he wouldn't listen. I then said it seemed like he thinks the world revolves around him. He threatened to walk out and said if he did that, there was no going back and we're broken.

 

He walked out.

 

I sent a text saying how much he hurt me tonight and I never believed he would walk out on me and leave. He says he walked out cos he didn't want ot get angry with me.

 

I am in shock all this has happened when I was just trying to communicate my feelings and he thinks I'm having temper tantrums.

[harmfulsweetz]

Well he's now walked out on me. He accused me of accusing him of things, when I was trying to get across my feelings towards him. He says I'm throwing temper tantrums - when I'm trying to say I'm upset and want to talk things through with him.

 

He said that the way I approached things/communicated was WRONG, and that I made him feel inadequate and like sh*t, and like he was acting WRONG. I tried to explain that I wanted to communicate my feelings to him but he wouldn't listen. I then said it seemed like he thinks the world revolves around him. He threatened to walk out and said if he did that, there was no going back and we're broken.

He walked out.

 

I sent a text saying how much he hurt me tonight and I never believed he would walk out on me and leave. He says he walked out cos he didn't want ot get angry with me.

 

I am in shock all this has happened when I was just trying to communicate my feelings and he thinks I'm having temper tantrums.

 

Ditch him. Seriously, the guy is immature and cannot handle an adult conversation. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a guy who you can't discuss issues with for fear of him walking out?

 

The bits in bold are the things that jumped out at me. He's pinning everything on you, not taking any share in the blame, which leads me to think he has the potential to be very emotionally manipulative. It's like he's trying just to not take any responsibility and make you feel bad. Real relationships involve discussion, and the ability to be honest and communicate. If you can't do that without him reacting like this, then you've got issues and I certainly wouldn't consider a future with him.