lovebubble Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 I've always been very cut-throat with my emotions. I never thought I'd stay with a cheater, let alone be cheated on. There are a lot of circumstances that make me feel like the marriage is worth saving... but, one thing that I didn't expect was to be filled with such guilt about what HE did. These are the things that I'm feeling: 1) I've been emotionally distant, which caused him to seek comfort in another woman. 2) I rarely compliment him physically, which caused him to seek acceptance in another woman. 3) I'm mean, which caused him to seek the '' nice '' girl. 4) I was physically abusive towards him and always had to have my way, which belittled him as a man and made him cheat to prove his manhood. 5) I lied and told him that I cheated on him.. and later took it back, which broke him down far more than I thought it would.. and caused him to seek revenge. Is it normal to think like this? Are these things that I'm thinking as part of the '' grieving process ''.. or are these points valid? Was he justified in any sense of the word?
pureinheart Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 Hi LB, Ok, your being realistic about your part....please know it takes TWO...you both did things to each other...wow gf you've got some heavy duty honesty goin' on here. I also took my responsibility for my H's A...I too knew my part in it... Yes I do think when there is dual responsibility in the case of an A, and believe it has less to do with the A and more to do with the issues in the M in most cases...of course there is always that M where there is no fault concerning the BS...the WS is just being a butthead. Hey, I hope your ok (((((hugs)))))
anne1707 Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 Generally both husband and wife are responsible for the deterioration of a marriage (sometimes it may all be down to one person but those cases are IMO very rare). However only one person has the affair and they are entirely responsible for that - they are not forced to do it and it is a weak and selfish thing to do. The decent thing to do is to either try and work on the marriage or leave.
ComputerJock Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 It doesn't matter if you told your husband you had affair even if it was a lie. Once said you can never take it back and will always believe you DID have an affair. He was hurt as any BS would be and this may be his way of getting back at you, IMHO.
Spark1111 Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 Look, every marriage is different pre-affair. You are owning your part in its deterioration, and I have to say based on your honesty, the realtionship was a pretty toxic place to be. Relationships are all about meeting each other's needs, and ALWAYS treating one another with RESPECT and consideration. However, everyone has the choice of walking away as opposed to having an affair. I hope you and he, if you decide to save the realtionship, go to counseling. Good luck to you.
ADF Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 Wow. You paint quite an ugly picture of yourself. However, what he should have done was divorce you (or, ideally, never married you), not cheated. There are plenty of legitimiate options for someone trapped in a marriage with a cold, nasty, abusive person. Cheating isn't one of them.
bentnotbroken Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 No you didn't cause him to cheat. That was a decision he made to deal with the things you did to him. You are responsible for the abuse( emotional and physical) you caused and he is responsible for the cheating him cheating.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 All I can say is I wouldn't put up with half the crap you pulled. Being with me is a priveledge and I'm nobody's emotional door mat. That's the way I treat others--they get the benefit of the doubt and treatment with consideration and respect. If the signs of domination over me show themselves, I'll figuratively (yeah, right) boot your butt to the curb and begin congratulating myself for being the man I am. Next.
MizFit Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 You can be part, or even the cause, of a M being vulnerable, but you can't cause someone to cheat on you.
crazycatlady Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 I would say you betrayed your marriage first. You did not cause him to cheat, though. I would put up with cheating but I sure would't have put up with half the crap you said you did. That to me is the bigger betrayal. But two wrongs never make it right and him leaving would have been the correct action for those behaviors, not another wrong in cheating. I don't think you made the marriage vulnerable, I definately consider your actions a betrayal equal or even greater to the betrayal of cheating. Physical abuse IMO is the worst thing a partner can do to their "loved" one. CCL
You Go Girl Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 Well it's all a wash now. Is there any chance the two of you can stop the bad behaviors and start treating each other good, the way that a successful marriage is?
Author lovebubble Posted June 6, 2010 Author Posted June 6, 2010 Thanks for the Advice. And yes, I realize that most men would not put up with me.. this is also what draws me so much closer to him because, through everything.. he stayed and fought for our marriage. He's fighting now, and I'm being cold.. because I'm hurt.. and I don't know how else to be. I've tried counseling for my anger.. and it didn't work.. but, I'll try again. I just don't know if I know how to be a good wife right now, let alone deserve a good husband. Well, obviously I don't.. because my actions drove him away and turned him into a not so good husband. A lot of our issues stem from me, I know, but I don't know how to change it.. and deep down inside, I don't want to. Being '' nice '' makes me feel weak. I don't want to be weak.
bentnotbroken Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 Thanks for the Advice. And yes, I realize that most men would not put up with me.. this is also what draws me so much closer to him because, through everything.. he stayed and fought for our marriage. He's fighting now, and I'm being cold.. because I'm hurt.. and I don't know how else to be. I've tried counseling for my anger.. and it didn't work.. but, I'll try again. I just don't know if I know how to be a good wife right now, let alone deserve a good husband. Well, obviously I don't.. because my actions drove him away and turned him into a not so good husband. A lot of our issues stem from me, I know, but I don't know how to change it.. and deep down inside, I don't want to. Being '' nice '' makes me feel weak. I don't want to be weak. How you feeling now? Weak or strong? One thing is clear, you and only you can change you. If you don't want to become a better person then let him go. As a recovering abuser, we don't have the right to demean, humiliate or physically harm anyone. By doing that we not only diminish them as secure people, but we diminish our role in making the world a better place for everyone to live. Being nice doesn't require anyone to be weak. What it requires is a conscious and a determination to behave the way we want others to treat us. My biggest weakness was in abusing the hell out of those who love me by not returning that love with kindness and respect. If you can't do that...leave. Counseling can't help if you don't want to change. You will only be wasting your time and money.
Woggle Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 He wasn't right to cheat but the way you act before ncertainly was wrong as well. He should just left and moved on with his life before he looked at another woman though. This entire marriage just seems like a trainwreck and it would be better if you two parted ways. In the future though you need cut this out because most men who are not complete doormats would never put up with this.
somedude81 Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 3, 4 and 5 are grounds for a divorce. Hell 4 alone is enough reason for a divorce. Though instead of filing for a divorce he fled into the arms of another woman. Your damn right that your actions played a part in what he did.
pureinheart Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 What is the difference between being cruel to your spouse (not pulling you out LB, I am speaking of my own cruelty in a M from the past) and "cheating"...to me cruelty is cruelty no matter what way you look at it.
pureinheart Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 3, 4 and 5 are grounds for a divorce. Hell 4 alone is enough reason for a divorce. Though instead of filing for a divorce he fled into the arms of another woman. Your damn right that your actions played a part in what he did. Hey SD, I love your avatar...speak it brother because that is the TRUTH...in fact there are more nice guys than jerks...and they all finish first in my book! Being one who did push my H away...I know what I did...and it felt good as a lot of resentment vanished in that moment of becoming real...
threebyfate Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 lovebubble, I'm not going soft-sell you. What you've done to your husband is horrible stuff and I hope you're getting some therapy to improve yourself. Having said that, we all have choices in life. If someone mistreats us, we can walk.If someone mistreats us, we can emotionally abuse them back.If someone mistreats us, we can physically return the mistreatment.If someone mistreats us, we can do any combination of the above three.If someone mistreats us, we can kill them.Whichever method you pick, will define the type of person you are. What's your code of ethics?
SavannahSmiles Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 What is the difference between being cruel to your spouse (not pulling you out LB, I am speaking of my own cruelty in a M from the past) and "cheating"...to me cruelty is cruelty no matter what way you look at it. I kind of get this. It's like saying infedelity is worse than any other thing you could possibly do to your spouse. That's not true. You break your vows when you cheat, but you also break your vows anytime you don't honor your spouse.
Author lovebubble Posted June 7, 2010 Author Posted June 7, 2010 I completely see what you guys are saying, and it's all caused me a great deal of guilt. So do you guys think if I would have been a good wife, he still would have cheated? When we spoke about it, a lot of his reasoning lead back to ' peer pressure ' and rarely did he bring up my actions causing him to cheat. The main thing that he's saying is that by me telling him that I cheated, even though I took it back, it hurt him.. he got completely wasted, and tried to have sex with a girl.. but '' it '' didn't work. I talked to the girl and she said the same thing. I found out about him cheating by breaking into his email. He told his friend that he had a '' deployment wife ''.. that he's no longer a virgin to anal sex as he's done it with his deployment wife twice, and that there's other girls overseas that he's working on having sex with. When I confronted him about all of this, he says that all of it was to look cool.. and that most of it was a lie. Him and the girl says that it was a one time thing and that he was so drunk that there was no penetration. Part of me believes them because, the same thing happened when him and I first became sexually active. I believe he still had feelings for his ex therefore he could not '' perform ''.. but, another part of me believes the emails. I'm working on forgiving him. He's since given me all of his passwords to emails, instant messengers, ect.. he's agreed to go to counseling, he's agreed to help more financially and has given me access to his accounts, he's agreed to do ANYTHING it takes.. and says that if I give him another chance he can promise me 50 years of happiness. Is it possible for an affair to actually help a marriage? I think it's opened both of our eyes to a lot.. but, I don't want to be stupid. The emails clearly and explicitly stated that he had a full fledged relationship with this girl. He says he's willing to take a lie detector test to prove it. I don't know what to do. My heart is filled with a lot of different emotions.. and I hate dragging him up and down with me. One day I'm ready to forgive and get over it.. the next day I'm angry.
Author lovebubble Posted June 7, 2010 Author Posted June 7, 2010 Also, from here on out.. I've decided that if I'm going to remain with him.. I'm going to try my hardest to be a better person to him. I've tried being nice in the past, and it seems that he feed off of it and treats me bad in turn. Maybe that's all in my head? He does tell me that he loves how assertive I am.. and that he hates women that let men walk all over them.. and I guess in some weird and twisted way I thought that he liked me wearing the pants. I guess not. To those that are rude to their spouses, belittle their spouses, feel superior to ur spouse.. or pretend to be superior, want to '' wear the pants ''.. a marriage is 50/50.. nobody wears the pants.. and if you think you do, you will be taught a very valuable lesson. We're all humans, and all capable of the same things. That is the lesson I've learned, at least.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Can you cause someone to cheat on you? Someone who cheats has lousy character. Lousy character isn't created by an outside party.
GroupFitness Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Also, from here on out.. I've decided that if I'm going to remain with him.. I'm going to try my hardest to be a better person to him. I've tried being nice in the past, and it seems that he feed off of it and treats me bad in turn. Maybe that's all in my head? He does tell me that he loves how assertive I am.. and that he hates women that let men walk all over them.. and I guess in some weird and twisted way I thought that he liked me wearing the pants. I guess not. Being assertive and "wearing the pants" is NOT in any way synomymous with treating someone badly or disrespecting them. Being assertive is NOT being mean or being physically abusive, neither is it being cold and hurtful. What you describe that you two had is a Sado-masochistic relationship. You get pleasure from inflicting emotional pain and humiliation on him and he gets pleasure from receiving such pain. That is the reason he has stayed and put up with the drama you mentioned that you've put him through. You set your ego aside for a moment when you admitted your part in the deterioration of this relationship. Do both of you a favor and set your ego aside LONG ENOUGH to heal the disease in this relationship. Admitting your wrongs and making amends for them is not weakness. That is strength like you don't know what.
threebyfate Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Also, from here on out.. I've decided that if I'm going to remain with him.. I'm going to try my hardest to be a better person to him. I've tried being nice in the past, and it seems that he feed off of it and treats me bad in turn. Maybe that's all in my head? He does tell me that he loves how assertive I am.. and that he hates women that let men walk all over them.. and I guess in some weird and twisted way I thought that he liked me wearing the pants. I guess not.He can't make you do anything you don't want to do. There's so much victim in your posts about you and your husband. Your behaviour isn't about wearing the pants. Your behaviour is abusive and so is his cheating. Can't you see the difference? Can't you see how unhealthy your actions and marriage are? To those that are rude to their spouses, belittle their spouses, feel superior to ur spouse.. or pretend to be superior, want to '' wear the pants ''.. a marriage is 50/50.. nobody wears the pants.. and if you think you do, you will be taught a very valuable lesson. We're all humans, and all capable of the same things. That is the lesson I've learned, at least.Once again, this isn't about wearing the pants. This is about abuse on both your parts.
fooled once Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I've always been very cut-throat with my emotions. I never thought I'd stay with a cheater, let alone be cheated on. There are a lot of circumstances that make me feel like the marriage is worth saving... but, one thing that I didn't expect was to be filled with such guilt about what HE did. These are the things that I'm feeling: 1) I've been emotionally distant, which caused him to seek comfort in another woman. 2) I rarely compliment him physically, which caused him to seek acceptance in another woman. 3) I'm mean, which caused him to seek the '' nice '' girl. 4) I was physically abusive towards him and always had to have my way, which belittled him as a man and made him cheat to prove his manhood. 5) I lied and told him that I cheated on him.. and later took it back, which broke him down far more than I thought it would.. and caused him to seek revenge. Is it normal to think like this? Are these things that I'm thinking as part of the '' grieving process ''.. or are these points valid? Was he justified in any sense of the word? No - a person can't make another person cheat -- he chose to cheat. That is on him. BUT - your behavior is on YOU. You can't blame his cheating for your poor behavior and you can't expect him to want to stay with you if this is how you behave. You need anger management counseling, IMHO, to deal with your anger issues. WHAT is causing you to do the things you do (hit, be cold, be angry, lie)? WHY did you lie? Why did you hit him? What is underneath your anger? That is what a counselor needs to help you figure out. If you aren't naturally a "nice" person (your word), then you plan on pretending/faking it... for how long? Treat HIM like you want to be treated. Do for him what you want done for you. Generally both husband and wife are responsible for the deterioration of a marriage (sometimes it may all be down to one person but those cases are IMO very rare). However only one person has the affair and they are entirely responsible for that - they are not forced to do it and it is a weak and selfish thing to do. The decent thing to do is to either try and work on the marriage or leave. I agree!!
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