I'd like some on a unique situation.

[Kira Night]

Hi, I'm new to this forum and felt like this would be an appropriate place to describe a situation that I've honestly never been in. However, I do have the emotional maturity ready to handle it but I honestly want to know what others think about it.

 

I met a girl two and a half months ago. I'm attracted to quiet, shy girls as I'm quiet and shy myself and I find it challenging to try and open them up. We start talking and the next day she comes over to my house. Nothing special, we watch some YouTube clips (I even managed to put my head on her shoulders) and then we go to out at a local place and play poker (where I met her).

 

We go out to eat the next day, more conversations, and then the next day (like a complete idiot) I tell her I find her attractive and interesting. That she's different from any other girl I've met (though cliche, was actually true.).

 

Anyway, she tells me she just got out of a bad relationship (true) and she just wants to be friends. Seeing as I had no emotional base in her yet, I was like okay. I still find her awesome enough to just be friends with. Yet, it gets better.

 

So, we end up going to a party together (her, her roommate, and my roommate) to a party of a friend of mine. This friend (Jack), and his friends (Nicole and Cody) are important but not at the time. Everyone has a great time, we drink and things get out about everybody. Just an overall fun time. The girl I'm talking to (Alyssa) gets on FaceBook IM and we just talk for hours on end.

 

The next day, I get an invite to go out to another party with a whole different set of friends. I invite Alyssa and we go. It's here where things get hot. We both get very drunk and we end up cuddling together and staying the night. Now at this point, I was confused as to our status, but I wasn't going to question it until later. We wake up, get breakfast the next day and that's when the first bombshell came and blew me away.

 

She called and wanted to let me know that last night was kind of a weird situation and that we were still just friends. It made me upset, I mean one of my best friends (a girl, who invited us to that party, someone who I confide and talk to) said that the vibe that we were giving off was very strong and that she felt that we were in love. Anyways, no matter, I get offended. I ask her, well why don't you want to be together? She was like I don't feel a connection between me and you. I asked her then if there could ever be a connection and she flat out told me no. How heartbreaking. What kind of girl just crushes your heart like that? At any rate, I was upset with her and I stopped talking to her. At this point, my mind did think back and it was like, wait, two and a half weeks really isn't all that much to work with as far as relationships go. I might as well just work on the friend thing for right now. As mature as I was, she was right. There really wasn't any strong connection besides just being friends and whatever. HOWEVER...

 

The next week is my birthday. We go out to eat and she buys me lunch. We go everywhere from the mall to the park. We spend time watching a movie at my house again and then we eventually hang out at Jack's again (I think.) At any rate, this is where I noticed Cody started to talk to Alyssa one on one. I felt unease but again, we're just friends. I have no right to be mad so I let it go.

 

I have a party that week's weekend. Alyssa starts hanging out with Jack and his whole group more than me which set me off a little inside. In fact, they had a party at his house that I didn't even know about. Nicole texts me wanting to know if we were doing anything and I let her know that we're having a party. So they all show up (Jack, Alyssa, Nicole, and her roommate Andrea, the one from the original party)

 

I forgot to mention that when we were at Jack's that the whole friend vibe she was giving me wasn't there. This was especially true at my party where she didn't really talk to me. Cody was there and I found them talking one on one again. They all started dancing in front of me intimately and I felt upset and didn't talk to them at all.

 

Sorry for the long post, but I needed to provide that filler. Speeding things up, we talk about things more and the next month or so we talk more and spend time with each other. She begins to open up to me; she tells me that she feels the closest with me out of that whole group (a group that I don't find myself particularly close to, especially with them not inviting me to things) she feels safe, comfortable, and trusting with me. I take it as just positive energy and nothing like romantic and it feels good. At this point, I was kind of thinking of her in terms of relationship wise but I still needed a moment in which I could make my move.

 

Jack ends up having another party out in the woods at a bonfire. Andrea the room mate and Jack have been dating so they're off alone which leaves me and Alyssa there. We talk, get personal, and we end up laying on the grass looking at the stars. I make my move by simply holding her hand and then all of a sudden we begin cuddling again like we were at my other friend's party. I was curious and I asked her are you drunk? I knew we had been drinking and I wanted to make sure that this feeling I felt was real. She was not and it cemented in me. This feeling was real.

 

Between these things I catch her and Cody talking to each other, but again I'm not worried. I only feel that I need to improve upon our thing; I shouldn't worry about another man.

 

The next big thing happens after we were talking on FaceBook IM. I asked her something signifcant to me to which she responded negatively. I can't remember what it was but all I said back to her was okay and it kind of made me feel like ****. She texted me later that day and was like do you want to finish the conversation? All i said was nope and that was it. No response or nothing. The first big break in our relationship happened though. She texted me late at night that night to hang out. Just me and her. We end up watching a movie and cuddling again.

 

This was maybe two weeks ago. Now on to our big breakthrough.

 

This week, we decided to have a day together. This was like any other day with me and her in it. (Again I'm under the impression that we're just friends, or actually friends with hidden feelings under it. I don't know what, I'm just playing safe) We end up going to a park where we talk about more personal stuff and then we end up back at my house again. Late that night we start getting real personal and before you know it I kiss her on the lips. It felt right and it worked! She didn't pull away. At that point we started making out and more and more intensity builds up. I break off this intensity and ask her if she wants to be together with me. She's like I'm not ready, I'm not sure. In fact, she confirms my suspiscions involving her and Cody. She told me she thought she liked someone else (Cody) but she wasn't sure. She also told me that I bring out all these positive things out of her and that I made her feel special.

 

The next day she calls me up and we end up going to her house. We talk some more, we enjoy some breakfast and we spend some time making out and actually getting pretty intense. She says that she's only gone as far as we did with one other person and that I was special. I felt really good and everything seemed right. She gave me more things like I love when you hold me like this. Everything was perfect. Until...

 

She got on her FaceBook. I decided to **** around and change it to Not Single (I mean at this point I thought in my head that we're together. Big mistake, me) She didn't seem to mind at first. Then I changed mine to In a Relationship which really set some things off later that night. However, we went to eat, then we went out to the lake and gazed at the stars, more cuddling and kissing and then we go back home. I walk her up the stairs, kiss her goodnight and go back to my place.

 

I immediately get a text as soon as I enter asking me about the changed relationship (me). So I asked her if I should change it to which she replied yes. I did. I still thought everything was okay.

 

Two days ago, I call her up wanting to hang out. She tells me she's REAL busy and that she can't come over. I was like that's cool, I was busy anyway. The next part is the bombshell that killed me.

 

She tells me she changed her relationship back to single. I asked her why? She then proceeds to tell me she doesn't think she wants what I'm offering her. She wanted something more serious (damn, I mean how serious can I get really? I've been chasing you for this long!) and that she felt way too much pressure to be in this relationship. I told her I understood but I had to confirm that the last two nights meant what they did to her as much as they did me to which she confirmed herself. Now I'm more confused.

 

Before that conversation, she let me know that she wanted to talk around 8 that night, but around 3 she asks me if she can come over to which I reply sure. We have this conversation that straight murdered my heart.

 

She tells me that we should just be friends, that we shouldn't be all lovey-dubey touchy feely anymore. That it was a mistake that we pushed too far and that when I told her I understood that I was being pushy that I was pushing even more and that she can only be pushed so far. I let her know that I understand and that I'm willing to give her the space and time she needs to think about things. I told her about the time at Jack's party and the time at my other friend's party when she said we were friends. I made sure that she felt the same way before everytime I did. Before she left, I asked her what she was feeling. She replied I don't know. She walked away, we hugged and said our goodbyes.

 

Unlike most of my prior relationships though, I wasn't sad. I wasn't heartbroken or even on the verge of a single tear. It was if I was ready for this and that I knew that our relationship wasn't over. It felt like it was only the beginning and that we were going to have to seriously work on this.

 

I spent the rest of the day confused. I talked to Cody, I wanted to make sure that he knew how I felt and I wanted to know how he felt. I didn't want to feel hostility to him over something we can simply talk about. He made everything alright between me and him; he had just gotten out of a four year relationship and he wasn't looking forward to another one for a while. He thought Alyssa was a good girl and that he knew she liked him, but right now he wasn't interested. He knew that he was being flirtatious with her, but he never wanted to upset me. This brought me a lot of peace of mind and I matured up enough to let him know that if he does end up with her that I wouldn't be mad. It was here that he reassured me that he wasn't looking.

 

 

 

WHEW.

 

 

Now, I've talked to a lot of people about this. All of them say give her her time and space and then she may or may not come back. I'm highly aware of this. I shouldn't try to contact her unless she does first.

 

I feel as though this isn't a standard thing. Never have I been shot down so bad only to get this close to someone in my life. Never has someone been so distant and then come back and say she needs me in her life.

 

What am I supposed to do? This girl means a lot to me and despite what she says I know I mean a lot to her too. I don't feel ready to give up on her yet but I know I gotta let her go. Distance makes the heart grow fonder from what I hear.

 

She contradicts herself all the time. I know she's young (she's 19, I'm 22) so I'm sure she's having a hard time coping with all this. She may be thinking about me and Cody, which one would she prefer.

 

What sucks more is that the only time I can see her outside of her coming to my house or going to her house is at poker with her and Cody. Since Jack and Andrea are dating it's only likely that Cody will be everywhere with Jack and that they'll be able to build something up faster. However, she doesn't feel like he's serious at all and that he flirts with everyone. She's such a contradiction it can make me mad sometimes. So I can't really see her outside of here without being a slight bit mad at what could be happening under my nose.

 

I want to know what others think. If you could spend a couple of minutes just reading this far, I'd appreciate it. Please give me some help with something I've never seen before.

 

 

Thank you. Kira

Edited June 6, 2010 by Kira Night

[lomo90]

Am I right in thinking that you are female, with a name like Kira? In which case it opens up many issues. Is she openly bi? If not that is sure to bring up even more confusion.

[cp3_panda]

This is similar to the situation that I am running into now.

 

In my case, the girl has been playing hot and cold with me as well. There would be times where we would go out alone and she would set off signals nonstop(linger in the car after for a kiss, finding excuses to touch me).

 

When I finally told her how I felt(that i was interested and wanted to actually start dating), she told me that she was still broken from the last relationship.. and that there was a risk of getting hurt very badly cuz she has very few friends. Compound this with the fact that she has never actually had a "guy friend" and etc etc. This makes things even more complicated as I have never actually had a friend thats a girl.. that i was never interested in.. become someone I was interested in.

 

So in the end, i told her that I was interested in her and that I simply could not be strictly friends with her. Perhaps I saw that it may turn out like how your relationship turned out.. unfortunately. She told me she wanted me as her friend.. and that she wanted to be a REALLY good friend, etc etc. I told her that it was unfair to both her and me that we would hang out under the title of friends.. when it was clear that we both have emotions for one another. I told her that unless something changed within me or her.. that it is best we do not see each other as we are just toying around with each other's feelings. She told me that she was not willing to date until she had her own life back; and that it wont be for a while. She also told me that she was going to miss me. I told her.. it sucks but thats just how it is.

 

 

My point in that story is that given the same situation, I responded differently to it than you. I do not know the outcome of this situation as all of this happened last night. I wanted to tell you this because of three reasons:

1. I want you to know that there are other people out there that are equally confused about these hot/cold games girls play.

2. Given this same situation in the future, perhaps it would be more beneficial to act in a different way.. I am simply providing my own experience

3. In the end, I felt resolved in my "declaration of love" as you call it. I told her i was interested.. and although it couldn't happen at the time, it does not bug me anymore since i KNEW the answer. The last few weeks were actually worse in that I was in limbo between friends and lovers. Now that I have my answer, I realize that cutting off contact is much better for me. I do not have to look at her and feel "dejected/rejected" while at the same time, we are not playing this game when she does not "feel right". win-win on both situations.

 

Sometimes you just have to realize that it is just not in the cards for things to be. In the same way, when we stopped talking.. I didn't feel emotionally ravaged, etc. I felt a little disappointed but that was it. She also told me during all of this that she was not "interested" in anyone in much of the same way as yours told u that she was not interested in you. The way I think of it is that they are saying this in order to convince themselves that this is not what they should be doing. Because it is obvious through their actions and motives what they REALLY want. But for key logical reasons, they lie to themselves or try to convince themselves that it is best not to go through with it. I dont know in your case. In my case, it is that I will be leaving in 2 months to study in a faraway place. If she were to emotionally invest, there would be way too many problems(her not over her ex, timebomb to emotional destruction for her, when it explodes, it is much worse as she has nothing to fall back on).

[Kira Night]

@lomo - Nope, I'm a guy. I just like the name Kira very much.

 

@panda - Thank you for the response. I'm essentially doing the same thing. I just feel weird though. I'm not disappointed really, but it was like it's progressing in the way that it should in a situation like this (I think). We started off strictly as friends and then things slowly delve to where we are now. She may be scared that we got too close but still those feelings we're genuine (I asked her).

 

But you're right. I'm going to go through NC for awhile. She's not the type to really contact me back, but everytime our relationship moved she called me (she called me to come over to my house, she wanted me to come over to the party in the woods) everytime I tried to force our relationship it backfired so I've got to realize that it's her who has the cards. It's just going to be ridiculously funny letting an incredibly shy girl come up and make the first move.

[VeveCakes]

Dude...she's just not that into you. Spend your energy on someone who IS interested..