Feeling lonely and down about partnership -need

[dazzled]

This is long so thank you anyone who takes the time to read it.

 

First a bit of background:

Ive been with my partner for 2 and a half years, cohabiting for most of that time. We were close friends for a year before that. We are both in our late twenties.

We have recently moved to a new country, so I dont have any friends here yet. My visa is conditional on our relationship.

We have not talked about marriage but both would like children and have made a long term commitment to each other. I would not have moved to his country with him otherwise.

 

The good things:

He is amazing in so many ways and I have a connection with him unlike i any other i have experienced in a relationship. We get along really well most of the time, share lots of common interests, hardly ever argue and communication is usually good.

 

Why i am feeling down:

Lately I have been feeling really down about certain things though. He has very different viewpoints than most people about some things. LEt me explain.

 

Cars - I recently bought my first car. He is not interested in learning to drive, fair enough. I can accept and respect that. What upsets me is that he refuses to have anything to do with it and will not even get in the car with me because he is so against them. I bought the car for getting to work and to have some freedom but I was also looking forward to going on trips with him, but no. He says he will never get in a car with me, ever. No trips, no days out, no support whatsoever.

 

Birthdays/Christmas/Special occasions - He does not believe in celebrating them at all (i think because of a traumatic childhood in which he was often neglected) I have ever recieved a present or card from him. On many occasions he has refused to come out for meals/to celebrate occasions and i have had to go alone. This upsets me as it is not material presents that are important, just the thought and the effort, but he doesnt even do that.

 

Holidays - He does not believe in going on holiday. He doesnt like it. He is not interested in going anywhere just for the sake of it. We did go on one holiday last year but I dont think we ever will again. he is determined to never get on an airplane again because he hates them. This upsets me because i love to travel and visit new places.

 

Careers - I have a career, and when I was studying he was very unsupportive. He thinks careers are pointless and is not interested in having one himself. I can accept that we will never have much money and he will never have a stable job, but it still makes me sad when i remember how unsupportive he was when i was studying. He has spent long times being unemployed, with me paying for everything. He did not like this at all but its a fact of life that this will probably happen again and again because he has no qualifications, no ambition, and cant seem to hold down a job for a long time. he always quits in the end because he hates it or for some other reason.

 

Social life - he has none. He has no friends, not even from that past. He has never kept in touch with any of his old friends. He says he wants to make new friends, which is good but he is so unsociable, judgemental and unfriendly towards people that i dont know how he will ever even make friends int he first place. He is not against me having a social life and would often come out with me and my friends which was nice. Im not the most sociable person in the world either but am more so than him.

 

Owning a house - he says he never wants a mortgage. I would rather not have one but will never have enough money to buy a house upfront. He says he would rather just rent for life. I want to own a house one day, even if i need to get a mortgage. If we do ever get a house, it will have to be just in my name. Is this bad?

 

Going out to restaurants - ok so this is maybe not important at all, but he hates going out for meals, where as i love it. We have never gone out to a restaurant together for a meal. This makes me sad. I enjoy it so much.

 

Alcohol - he drinks too much. He keeps saying he will quit but i dont know if he will. He does not drink to get drunk and does not change in a bad way when he is drinking. I am worried about his health though and whether he will ever stop.

 

All of this makes him sound terrible, i know. He is a lovely person and a great, loving and caring partner in so many ways as i said before.

 

My questions:

But i just keep thinking about all of this stuff and wondering, is my life really going to be that great with him?

 

Have I made a huge mistake?

 

I knew what he was like before I committed to being with him and moving to his country, but i chose to accept (or ignore?!) these things.

Now they are worrying me.

 

What if he never ever changes and things never improve on the alcohol and job front? People say that others never change. I know I cant change him.

 

What if our kids (if we have them) ever get to celebrate christmas or birthdays?

 

Am I just being silly?

 

Is this all really just trivial stuff?

 

Should i just talk to him about how im feeling? Ive talked to him about a few of these things and we can have reasonable conversations about them, but he is so stubborn that he will never be persuaded to change or to do something just because it would mean a lot to me. He sticks to his beliefs and values and does not change them.

 

Isnt there always going to be some things about your partener that you dont like but just have to accept and live with?

 

I could be with someone else who likes to go on holiday, celebrates occasions, has a career, but there could be a whole load of other things that I dont like about him. (like jealousy, anger..)

 

Is it just that we have been together for more than 2 years and this is the time that people always start for evaluate their relationship and wonder if maybe they are with the right person?

 

I have nobody to talk to about this. I have no friends or family here. i cant bear to tell my family that im upset about these things as i know they will tell me i deserve better than this and i dont want them to worry about me being unhappy.

 

I dont want to go back to my country and im so happy to be here, even though i miss my friends and family. I have made this huge commitment to him and to start a new life with him and i really want to do it and to make this work.

 

I know this is a really long post but please, if anyone has any advice at all, I would appreciate it so much.

Edited June 6, 2010 by dazzled
forgot to include something

[goatee]

so how did you end up with him? These are the kinds of issues you want to iron out before moving in with somebody. Your life goals don't seem to match at all but you knew before you made your decision. I'm afraid he won't change! so you're stuck with him for the near future it seems.

[WalkInThePark]

dazzled, I am sorry but this relationship (as far as one can call it a relationship) is not going to work. You sound like a kind, warm person who wants to enjoy life. Celebrating holidays, making friends, going on holiday, buying a car and making trips with it, these are all normal things that people do to make life enjoyable and to give a meaning to life.

Your boyfriend is one of these guys who wants to remain stuck in some kind of grumpy "I hate the world and all the other people" phase. I have seen such guys in the past and how they made their girlfriends existence hell. I knew for example one guy who absolutely thought that "people needed to accept him as he was". It meant that his girlfriend had to accept the fact that he was having this long, greasy hair which he washed once a week and that he was wearing the same underwear for 3 weeks. No wonder she did not want sex with him. But he was adamant that this was how he was and that she should not try to change him. Well, I asked him if the core of his identity was the fact that he was wearing dirty underwear.

 

The thing with an unhealthy relationship is that when you are in it you don't see how abnormal it is nor can you imagine that things can be so much better. Move back to where you came from. You are still very young and you have a whole life in front of you. Don't waste more time to this boy.

[giotto]

marry him, get your residence permit (or whatever) and the divorce the loser...

[dazzled]

so how did you end up with him? These are the kinds of issues you want to iron out before moving in with somebody. Your life goals don't seem to match at all but you knew before you made your decision. I'm afraid he won't change! so you're stuck with him for the near future it seems.

 

None of these things were an issue when we moved in together/got together. Its only as time has gone on that its become an issue. However, i think the good still outweighs the bad in this relationship. I have made him sound terrible from my post and he is really not that bad. Im going to see how things turn out in the next year or so..

[BB07]

My Gawd.......after reading all that, what in the world are you doing wasting your time on someone who is so narrow minded and clearly incompatible with you?

 

Maybe you thought the positives would outweigh the negatives but now you are seeing that they don't? Hon.......that is one big long list of qualities that the majority of people couldn't or wouldn't be expected to deal with. Cut your losses now and get out.....before you take it to the next level and waste 10 years and realize that it was wasted time. Drinking too much........that is a deal breaker in itself. You deserve someone that doesn't have that many negative qualities.

[dazzled]

dazzled, I am sorry but this relationship (as far as one can call it a relationship) is not going to work. You sound like a kind, warm person who wants to enjoy life. Celebrating holidays, making friends, going on holiday, buying a car and making trips with it, these are all normal things that people do to make life enjoyable and to give a meaning to life.

Your boyfriend is one of these guys who wants to remain stuck in some kind of grumpy "I hate the world and all the other people" phase. I have seen such guys in the past and how they made their girlfriends existence hell. I knew for example one guy who absolutely thought that "people needed to accept him as he was". It meant that his girlfriend had to accept the fact that he was having this long, greasy hair which he washed once a week and that he was wearing the same underwear for 3 weeks. No wonder she did not want sex with him. But he was adamant that this was how he was and that she should not try to change him. Well, I asked him if the core of his identity was the fact that he was wearing dirty underwear.

 

The thing with an unhealthy relationship is that when you are in it you don't see how abnormal it is nor can you imagine that things can be so much better. Move back to where you came from. You are still very young and you have a whole life in front of you. Don't waste more time to this boy.

 

Maybe you are right that it wont work out, but i really want it to. I thought he was the love of my life. I had a long hard talk with him after posting this, and told him how hurt I am about the car thing and also the celebrating thing. He wont change on the car front but I think i just made him realise for the first time how important the celebrating thing is to me. He said he would be ok with a mortgage if there was no realistic and better alternative, and that he just wants to be comfortable and happy and to make a life with me. He has suffered from depression his whole life and i think this has a lot to do with his views and attitude. He has proven to me in the past that he is capable of making an effort to do things because they are important to me. Im not going to leave him now, I have to give this a chance and see if we can really make some kind of life.. if after a year or so it hasnt happened and its just the same, i will consider leaving him. I cant believe ive even just said that because i love this man with all my heart

[giotto]

He has suffered from depression his whole life and i think this has a lot to do with his views and attitude.

 

No, it has a lot to do with his drinking, I'm afraid...

[WalkInThePark]

I could be with someone else who likes to go on holiday, celebrates occasions, has a career, but there could be a whole load of other things that I dont like about him. (like jealousy, anger..)

 

dazzled, did you have a bad experience in the past with someone who was very controlling? Because someone who likes to go on holiday, has a career, etc.. is not by defnition someone who is jealous and angry.

Open your eyes: if your boyfriend absolutely refuses to have anything to do with your car, now how much anger can be found in that?

[dazzled]

dazzled, did you have a bad experience in the past with someone who was very controlling? Because someone who likes to go on holiday, has a career, etc.. is not by defnition someone who is jealous and angry.

Open your eyes: if your boyfriend absolutely refuses to have anything to do with your car, now how much anger can be found in that?

 

Yes i have had controlling partners in the past, who were great in many other ways.. He says he just doesnt agree with cars when they are not necessary and he doesnt want any part in it unless it was an emergency/absolutely necessary or something like that. i knew he didnt like them and was uninterested in learning to drive, but i didnt think he would be like this. i dont know if its really that much of a big deal but it feels like it to me.

[MorningCoffee]

OK, let's look at the facts:

 

He ... will not even get in the car with me because he is so against them. . . He says he will never get in a car with me, ever. No trips, no days out, no support whatsoever.

 

Birthdays/Christmas/Special occasions - He does not believe in celebrating them at all On many occasions he has refused to come out for meals/to celebrate occasions

 

Holidays - He does not believe in going on holiday. . . he is determined to never get on an airplane again because he hates them.

 

Careers - He thinks careers are pointless and is not interested in having one himself.

 

he has no qualifications, no ambition, and cant seem to hold down a job for a long time. he always quits in the end because he hates it or for some other reason.

 

Social life - he has none. He has no friends, not even from that past.

 

Owning a house - he says he never wants a mortgage. He says he would rather just rent for life.

 

We have never gone out to a restaurant together for a meal. This makes me sad. I enjoy it so much.

 

Alcohol - he drinks too much.

So, he won't even get in a car, won't take a trip in an airplane, won't go on holiday, and won't hold a job. Won't even go to a restaurant, all of which you enjoy?

 

This man sounds like a specimen of a wacko misfit who WILL make you miserable forever, if you let him.

[sunshinegirl]

Hi OP,

 

Of all the things you posted, the most worrisome to me was that he has no ambition, can't seem to hold down a steady job, and seems not even to recognize the value in doing so. Are you prepared to be his sugar mama/benefactor for your entire life?

 

Wait, no, the most worrisome thing was his lifelong depression (untreated?) and his drinking. Are you co-dependent and/or enabling him?

 

Hold on, no, I take that back: the most worrisome thing was his absolutist views on commonplace hobbies and activities, and near-complete unwillingness to compromise/participate in said things. Controlling, much?

 

Even if you enjoy the country you are living in now, please step back to take in the bigger picture. A killer view of Mt. Everest can't make the stink in one's outhouse smell any better.