Not meeting anyone I feel attracted to - worrisome?

[lookingforyou]

Does this mean that all of us High School educated construction workers are SOL? I would like to think that I am smarter and a piece of paper or my job description.

 

 

It's perhaps not so much the educational levels but the conversational topics. Just for examples and not meant to simplify things, if your favorite topic is about building the world's next tallest building while your date isn't interested in differentiating one building from the next and would instead prefer to discuss the Federal Reserve's next policy move and you don't even know what the Fed is, either side is unlikely to feel the spark.

[D-Lish]

No, I don't mean forcing attraction. I mean if it's something other people feel too. Or am I just "weird" in not being attracted to more people.

 

I'd like to think you are not weird, because I am in the same boat. My situation is different than yours- but I have the same problem.

 

I got married to the love of my life at 30. At 33 I was getting divorced after finding out that love of my life had knocked up another woman while on a business trip. I am now 40, just turned. I haven't had a serious relationship in over 5 years- I don't ever see it happening. I think I am so damaged that I will never trust again. I have dating offers, plenty of messages on dating sites- I meet people through friends, work, everyday stuff...But no one ever appeals to me.

 

After my divorce I dated fleetingly- then I had a serious relationship that lasted 9 months- that's as far as I was able to get. It's been 5 years since I had a real relationship.

 

When it comes to myself, I don't ever see myself falling in love ever again. I can't shake that association of loving someone and being let down. I associate letting go with pain- so I have gotten the point where I can't even get past "hello". It's sad really, but I see nothing but pain when it comes to caring about someone.

Edited June 7, 2010 by D-Lish

[lookingforyou]

I'd like to think you are not weird, because I am in the same boat. My situation is different than yours- but I have the same problem.

 

I got married to the love of my life at 30. At 33 I was getting divorced after finding out that love of my life had knocked up another woman while on a business trip. I am now 40, just turned. I haven't had a serious relationship in over 5 years- I don't ever see it happening. I think I am so damaged that I will never trust again. I have dating offers, plenty of messages on dating sites- I meet people through friends, work, everyday stuff...But no one ever appeals to me.

 

After my divorce I dated fleetingly- then I had a serious relationship that lasted 9 months- that's as far as I was able to get. It's been 5 years since I had a real relationship.

 

When it comes to myself, I don't ever see myself falling in love ever again. I can't shake that association of loving someone and being let down. I associate letting go with pain- so I have gotten the point where I can't even get passed "hello". It's sad really, but I see nothing but pain when it comes to caring about someone.

 

 

I'm sorry to hear that. The bold parts are what I'm concerned about for myself. I want to share my life with someone (though I understand why you would prefer not to.) but I haven't found someone new that I feel that way about.

[D-Lish]

I'm sorry to hear that. The bold parts are what I'm concerned about for myself. I want to share my life with someone (though I understand why you would prefer not to.) but I haven't found someone new that I feel that way about.

 

Oh, don't get me wrong- I want that too, I just have no clue how to bypass my past. I have no faith in people.

I want to get back that faith- I just feel too broken.

 

I want to trust again, I just can't get past a certain point.

[knaveman]

It's perhaps not so much the educational levels but the conversational topics. Just for examples and not meant to simplify things, if your favorite topic is about building the world's next tallest building while your date isn't interested in differentiating one building from the next and would instead prefer to discuss the Federal Reserve's next policy move and you don't even know what the Fed is, either side is unlikely to feel the spark.

 

It's funny that you think construction workers would only be interested in discussing construction. Some of us have interests beyond all that, but if no one bothers to look no one will find them. A piece of paper does not rate intelligence.

[lookingforyou]

It's funny that you think construction workers would only be interested in discussing construction. Some of us have interests beyond all that, but if no one bothers to look no one will find them. A piece of paper does not rate intelligence.

 

 

That was why I added this in my previous post. Just for examples and not meant to simplify things

[lookingforyou]

Oh, don't get me wrong- I want that too, I just have no clue how to bypass my past. I have no faith in people.

I want to get back that faith- I just feel too broken.

 

I want to trust again, I just can't get past a certain point.

 

 

Oh, I see. That's a tough one. I'm not sure if subconsciously I could have a little thing that I can't get past so I feel this way.

[torranceshipman]

It's funny that you think construction workers would only be interested in discussing construction. Some of us have interests beyond all that, but if no one bothers to look no one will find them. A piece of paper does not rate intelligence.

 

I agree completely that a piece of paper does not rate intelligence, but that isn't the real issue. You could be a genius in terms of IQ and someone who has done a Masters degree might have a much lower IQ than you do (quite possible), but she still would not want you guys to date because it is the knowledge, interest in certain facts, areas and concepts, experience of debating and being around like minded people, the commonalities of working in one of the professions, etc, the ambition that comes with that, etc, shared friends with similar interests - all those things that make for the common interests and being on the same wavelength in so many ways that makes a person a good choice for a life partner (or not).

[lookingforyou]

I agree completely that a piece of paper does not rate intelligence, but that isn't the real issue. You could be a genius in terms of IQ and someone who has done a Masters degree might have a much lower IQ than you do (quite possible), but she still would not want you guys to date because it is the knowledge, interest in certain facts, areas and concepts, experience of debating and being around like minded people, the commonalities of working in one of the professions, etc, the ambition that comes with that, etc, shared friends with similar interests - all those things that make for the common interests and being on the same wavelength in so many ways that makes a person a good choice for a life partner (or not).

 

 

Thanks. That was what I meant. The like-minded part. The construction part was but an example, as I've clearly stated.

[Morals]

A degree does not make one smart. I know many people who got their bachelors and are probably some of the most unintelligent, uncouth people I've ever met. I myself went to college, dropped out, and I'm enjoying my life right now. Granted, I regret not finishing a degree, mainly for more professional reasons. But I don't cry about it. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be where I am today.

 

I wouldn't have met all the great people in my life, experienced the things I've done. The degree is only as useful as you make it. I've known people who get a bachelors in art history, only to never use that degree. I've known people who got a degree in criminal justice....only to become computer programmers.

 

I myself was attempting a chemical engineering degree, only to realize that I enjoyed tech support (hardware) as my career choice.

 

Many women will view those with lower degrees/no degree with disdain. They are cheating themselves out of some wonderful relationships by doing so. Don't feel angry toward them, feel sad that their point of view is so short-sighted they can't be bothered to even have an open mind about it. Isn't that the point of a higher education anyways? To have an open mind about people, places, and facts?

[BS76]

I actually think "there are good men out there." As there are good women, there are also bad women. The same goes for men. But you might be right about the subconscious part, that I might not realize that I may think that way.

 

Any solutions, if any, anyone?

 

:shrug: All I can think of is to make a more conscious effort to be more open minded.

 

Give this a read as well. I might be too late for you, but it could help others who may be able learn from your situation:

 

http://dontmarry.wordpress.com/2009/01/22/feminisms-terrible-blunder/

 

If a woman doesn’t particularly want to bear children, fine. But almost all of the young women I meet do have a strong maternal instinct and say they definitely want kids. Why don’t they realize that their youth and ability to bear children are expiring assets? Why are they doing what you can do at any time (work in a business) during the only time they possess those valuable assets?

 

What if a recent college graduate who was the star pitcher for his college baseball team told you that he intended to play Major League professional baseball, but not until after he’d gotten his law degree and had established a successful law practice? You’d think he was crazy, yet women do the equivalent every day.

 

Here’s a radical idea for the women who want to “have it all”: Do it in the logical order, which is the reverse of what you’ve been doing.

 

Whether or not a woman’s youth and fertility are her most valuable assets, they are inarguably expiring assets. They are like a $200 voucher for a private eating establishment that declines by $10 every month you don’t use it. If you don’t ever want to eat at that place, fine, let the voucher expire.

 

But if one of your life’s goals is to fully experience that eating establishment, use your voucher early.

 

There are women I know personally who do “have it all,” in both my and their opinion. In all cases, these women married and had their children early, i.e. youngest child born when the mother was 25 or younger. Once all the children were in school, these women entered the work force, at least part-time. When the kids were old enough to start looking out for themselves, i.e. in college or at least driving, the mothers became serious about a career.

 

In one case, the woman went to law school and is now a successful lawyer. Because she had her kids early, her body recovered easily, and at age 49 she has two grandchildren and looks like one of those hot 30-year-old woman lawyers on a TV series. Getting her law degree at a later age didn’t hurt her skill level or ability to find work: she was my lawyer in my divorce and she couldn’t have been better. I think her husband is one of the luckiest men alive.

 

Another woman had her first child at age 19 and then twins two or three years later. When the kids were all in school, she started working part-time. At one point she worked in a consignment shop, and felt the owner was making some bad business decisions. At around age 45, with the kids out of college, she opened her own consignment shop. Now, a little over a decade later, she’s making almost $200,000 a year and looks great.

 

A third had two children by age 24. After they were in high school, when she was 38 or so, she got her real estate agent’s license. Now she’s about 55 or so and making well over $100,000 a year. Do I need to tell you she is great-looking?

 

Which of the career paths listed below makes more sense?:

 

1. Focus on career right out of school, have recreational sex with pleasant male companions your own age, be on the success track for 10-15 years, then panic when you realize you want children but you don’t want to derail your career, your looks are starting to fade compared to the twentysomethings, there aren’t any men that seem interested in marrying you, and in any event, you’re running out of time,

 

or

 

2. After high school or during college, focus on finding a man about 10 years older who has established himself in the last decade and who wants a family. Use your youth, looks, and fertility to find the best possible man for the role of Husband and Father. Have children at a young age, soon after you finish your schooling, while you have lots of energy and your body will recover quickly. Be there for the kids when they need you, and let your husband do the financial lifting. Be good to both the kids and your husband, and be thinking about what your career dreams are while caring for your family. Talk to your husband about these dreams. Tell him you don’t want to just sit around the house at age 40-45. Then go after your dream, once the kids are of majority age. You’ve still got a few good decades left, plenty of time for career success.

 

Many women who pursue careers find they don’t like it nearly as much as they expected. Far fewer women have children and then wish they hadn’t. Why not do the kid thing first, while your body is primed for it, and start a career later in life?

 

You can start a new business at any age. I started a new venture at age 46–I set up a shooting school. Now, two years later, it’s very successful and continues to grow, showing every indication of becoming the major force in my regional market.

 

Think a shooting school doesn’t count, because it’s not going to be big enough to be a real “career”? Then try this one: A 65-year-old man living on Social Security with a used car and a love of cooking drove around the Southeast in the 1950s, cooking samples of food to persuade restaurant owners to buy his special blend of seasonings. When he made enough money from spice sales and found a financial backer, he opened his own little restaurant, selling one kind of food made with his blend of seasonings. It was successful, so he licensed others to open similar establishments. When he died 25 years later at age 90, Colonel Harlan Sanders left behind his legacy: Kentucky Fried Chicken, now KFC.

 

A man who wants a family can’t have it without a woman. He would prefer a young, fertile one. She will have the energy to keep up with kids, and her body will recover quickly from pregnancy and childbirth. Men know that a woman’s sex drive and looks decline. We’d like to start with one where the decline hasn’t already gone on for a couple decades.

 

A woman who wants both a career and children faces a number of problems if she gets on the career track first, and intends to marry and have kids later. First, since men are good at earning money, we don’t much care about your income level–that old comparative advantage thing. We want your youth, looks, and fertility–we’ve already got the money thing covered. Get to be 35 and still single and you’ll find that the men who want to get married want to do so because they want to have kids. Thus, they want someone in the peak of her reproductive years, not the end of them. Second, if you do find a husband, becoming a mother around age 40 means being an old woman for most of your children’s adult life. When your kids grow up, wouldn’t it be nice to be young enough to still do active things with them for a decade or two? And what if after 12-15 years of the career track, you realize you’re burnt out? Now what? Quit work to get married? What sane man wants a 35-year-old woman who has decided she doesn’t like working?

 

Last of all, if you marry a man 10-15 years older, and start your career after the kids are grown or at least able to drive, your husband is likely to be very supportive of your dreams. Men are very loyal to those who are good to us. If you’ve been a great wife and mother, we are going to applaud your wanting to get out of the house and bring in some income. We’re going to be thrilled if you replace some or all of the family savings that were drained when the tuition bills came due. We’re going to be proud of you making a financial success of yourself, so that you now truly “have it all.” We’d love to retire and play golf or whatever, and admire your success.

 

And if you decide the career track isn’t for you after a few years (or a decade), we won’t be upset. You can quit at age 45 or 50 and do something part-time and your husband will never have any complaints. You let him have a wonderful family, were a great wife, and a wonderful mother to his children.

 

But going the career track first is very dangerous in that it completely wastes much or all of a woman’s major asset of fertility and youth.

 

 

No. Bachelor's or higher.

 

Everyone is entitled to their preferences or what have you, but you need to realize this the sort of thing I was talking about earlier. You're going to limit your options because only a small percentage of men even go to college these days, let alone graduate. Most college students today are female and the gender gap is growing. Over the next 10 years 2/3 (or more) of all undergrads will be female.

Edited June 7, 2010 by BS76
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