girlfriend cheated, what now??

[2confused2feel]

Okay, this is a long story, but I'm the type of person who likes to lay down all the facts to try to get the best possible answer from you guys.

 

I started dating her 2 years ago. We were together for a year and about 2 months until we broke up. I broke up with her because she has been taking 2 different kind of anti depressants for about 6 years, and it really bugged me because I don't believe in needing medication.

 

I stayed with her for so long even though I knew about the medication because I figured it was because her parents had just gotten a divorce, which was why she moved into my neighborhood (I met her trick or treating, I was dressed as the Burger King guy from the BK commercials, and I had bright pink tight pants, yet she still gave me her number! hehehehe). Anyways, I figured she was just on the medication because of the divorce and the fact her dad cheated on her mom.

 

So she was always taking her meds and she would always talk about how she hates cheaters and 'once a cheater always a cheater' and all that. Before I dated her I was with my ex girlfriend who cheated on me. I admitted to my gf Kate that I had cheated on people in the past but I refused to do it again. She was okay with that.

 

Well we broke up after that year and 2 months because I was really immature and wanted to go out on my own and not be tied down and I refused to cheat on her. Plus the pills bugged me still. After a year I got over it and realized I didn't want to lose her. During that year we had our share of fights and arguments and jealous fights, as she was hooking up with someone I knew and it pissed me off (I wasn't friends with the guy, I just knew who he was from a friend of a friend). And so I realized I still cared about her and didn't want to lose her.

 

Well now we've been dating for two months... and she just cheated on me two days ago while visiting her dad at her aunts. The guy she cheated on me with she had hooked up with while we were broken up, and did it again this time while we were together.

 

She admitted it to me right away and was bawling her head off threatening to hurt herself n stuff and how she wanted me to come get her. I couldn't go get her because I was so pissed off I couldn't go near that place for fear I would kill that guy.

 

So she had her dad take her home. Now we're talking and she claims she doesn't know why she did it and that she had no intentions of doing it when she went up there. I don't know what to believe. I've decided to stay with her, but now my question to you guys is; Do you think she'll do it again? WHy do you think she did it in the first place? We weren't fighting, we were fine! I just got a new job and we were goign to get an apartment together... It just doesn't make sense and all she says is that she didn't think and she regrets it and doesn't want to lose me. I made her tell her dad what she did and her whole family and my family. She swears she will never do it again. Should I believe her?

Sorry for the novel guys, I just really care and don't want to leave anything out...

[whichwayisup]

I started dating her 2 years ago. We were together for a year and about 2 months until we broke up. I broke up with her because she has been taking 2 different kind of anti depressants for about 6 years, and it really bugged me because I don't believe in needing medication.

 

Her cheating is just a symptom of what's really going on. She has depression, a mental illness. She HAS to be on medication to function properly and if you don't support that or have told her how you feel about it, then it's best you two don't even bother trying to fix the relationship.

 

If she had cancer, or diabetes, would you feel the same way? Not want her to take meds to make her better?

 

Mental illness could run in her family, and since she's been on meds for six years already, chances are, she's going to need them forever. is she in counselling to help her cope with her depression?

[2confused2feel]

Her cheating is just a symptom of what's really going on. She has depression, a mental illness. She HAS to be on medication to function properly and if you don't support that or have told her how you feel about it, then it's best you two don't even bother trying to fix the relationship.

 

If she had cancer, or diabetes, would you feel the same way? Not want her to take meds to make her better?

 

Mental illness could run in her family, and since she's been on meds for six years already, chances are, she's going to need them forever. is she in counselling to help her cope with her depression?

 

 

Ya she is in counseling, and I talked to her about how I felt about the meds initially, but now they don't bother me anymore because I accept her for who she is. Thats why I just don't get where this cheat came from. She was soo against it. I know she hasn't cheated on anybody before, why start with me. Even her sister was shocked over it.

 

I just was wondering if anybody could guess at whether or not shes going to repeat cheating, or if it was a one time thing... She seemed genuinely disgusted at herself and ashamed. And she didn't stay in the same area as the guy. She told me the day after she did it and then left a few hours later, rather than stay the remaining two weeks she was supposed to be there.

[whichwayisup]

Depression messes with the head. It's not an excuse for her to cheat, but she's obviously missing something in her (this isn't about you, what you did or didn't do), she's broken. She needs to bring the cheating up in therapy.. go from there.

 

If she's willing to be an open book and prove to you she's worthy of a second chance, try to regain your trust again, and you're willing to give her that chance, then it can work. It'll be hard, but it is possible.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry but I do not buy this story of hers. She has been screwing this guy since you broke up with her previously. Your back in the relationship with her for 2 months and then she goes and visits this guy in his house and of course screws him again and tells you she did not plan to do it? What is wrong with this picture? She is in a relationship with you so why would she go visit her ex lover who she has been screwing previously? In addition, her response that she did not know why it happened is bull. She did it because she wanted to do it.

 

She is in total damage control. If she cannot honestly tell you why she screwed this guy again then why would she not do it again? She did it because she had the opportunity to see him and you would not be present. I think you are making a huge mistake staying with her. Now she needs to be tested for STD's. If the roles were reversed do you think she would accept such humiliation and disrespect from you? If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[BS76]

tl;dr

 

Based on the subject line all you need to know is you dump her and move on. It's that simple.

 

If you want some kind of reason to make yourself feel better lookup borderline personality disorder. She has several hallmarks of it and those kinds of women are completely toxic. Stay far far faaaaar away from them and consider yourself lucky to learn about it before it's too late.

[2confused2feel]

Depression messes with the head. It's not an excuse for her to cheat, but she's obviously missing something in her (this isn't about you, what you did or didn't do), she's broken. She needs to bring the cheating up in therapy.. go from there.

 

If she's willing to be an open book and prove to you she's worthy of a second chance, try to regain your trust again, and you're willing to give her that chance, then it can work. It'll be hard, but it is possible.

 

Well she told her whole family and even her sister, who cried over it because she was so stupid, and her dads not talking to her because he made the same mistake she did and it ended his marriage.

She told me when I first met her she was broken. I just figured she was being a typical girl going through a hard time. And I'm going to tell her to talk to her therapist about this. And so far everything has been an open book. She let me check her phone to look at texts to see if she was hiding anything (now im not stupid i know she probably deleted anything incriminating, but I don't get why she'd bother telling me about it if she was still hiding something... i dontk now what could be WORSE!?) and she deleted his number and texted her aunt to let her know she can't meet at her house anymore. Shes doing so much to try to prove to me she doesn't want to lose me.

Thanks for your advice, you really helped. Truly appreciate it.

 

I am sorry but I do not buy this story of hers. She has been screwing this guy since you broke up with her previously. Your back in the relationship with her for 2 months and then she goes and visits this guy in his house and of course screws him again and tells you she did not plan to do it? What is wrong with this picture? She is in a relationship with you so why would she go visit her ex lover who she has been screwing previously? In addition, her response that she did not know why it happened is bull. She did it because she wanted to do it.

 

She is in total damage control. If she cannot honestly tell you why she screwed this guy again then why would she not do it again? She did it because she had the opportunity to see him and you would not be present. I think you are making a huge mistake staying with her. Now she needs to be tested for STD's. If the roles were reversed do you think she would accept such humiliation and disrespect from you? If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

I'm making her get checked for STDs before we ever do anything again, and what sucks is I was supposed to go up there with her. She always invites me but I haven't been able to go. And usually she doesn't go without me but this time it was for her aunt's graduation from college and she didn't want to miss it. I didn't want her to miss it either. I would ahve been there if I hadn't had to go to a job interview (good thing I went cus i got the job!).

 

And I might be making a big mistake staying with her, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. She was honest with me right away, and she didn't have to be. I would have never known if she hadn't told me.

 

Thanks for your advice as well, honesty is always appreciated.

[BeautifulMan]

Dump her, i've dated a girl like that and most of the time they don't mean it even though they're on medication and stuff. Unless you feel alive on drama, get rid of the baggage.

[Spectre]

Shes doing so much to try to prove to me she doesn't want to lose me.

 

Besides banging other dudes, you mean. If she didn't want to lose you she wouldn't of been screwing some other dude. If she truly cared about you..she wouldn't of done what she did. So why bother with her? Why would you wanna be with someone who doesn't love you?

 

And usually she doesn't go without me but this time it was for her aunt's graduation from college and she didn't want to miss it. I didn't want her to miss it either. I would ahve been there if I hadn't had to go to a job interview (good thing I went cus i got the job!).

 

If she was there for a graduation then what was she doing at some dude's house? That means she went and sought this dude out. Again: This is the type of woman you wanna be with? I know some guys like slutty women, so perhaps that is what's happening here.

 

And I might be making a big mistake staying with her

 

Yeah, you are. She's completely disrespectful to you, and I hate to be the one to tell you this but she does not love you. You should dump her and just move on, why settle for a tainted relationship for some chick who goes and bangs a dude behind your back?

 

 

She was honest with me right away, and she didn't have to be.

 

So? People don't get points for being honest, as they should always be honest. Her being honest about it doesn't mean she won't do it again, nor does it mean she loves you. If she truly did love you..well this never would of happened.

Edited June 6, 2010 by Spectre

[whichwayisup]

 

Well she told her whole family and even her sister, who cried over it because she was so stupid, and her dads not talking to her because he made the same mistake she did and it ended his marriage.

She told me when I first met her she was broken. I just figured she was being a typical girl going through a hard time. And I'm going to tell her to talk to her therapist about this. And so far everything has been an open book. She let me check her phone to look at texts to see if she was hiding anything (now im not stupid i know she probably deleted anything incriminating, but I don't get why she'd bother telling me about it if she was still hiding something... i dontk now what could be WORSE!?) and she deleted his number and texted her aunt to let her know she can't meet at her house anymore. Shes doing so much to try to prove to me she doesn't want to lose me.

Thanks for your advice, you really helped. Truly appreciate it.

 

You're welcome. And it seems like she's geniunally ready to work for that second chance, might as well since it seems you really do like and care for her.

 

Make it clear to her that cheating now is a deal breaker, if she does it again, it's over and she loses you. Some believe once a cheater, always a cheater.. But, people DO deserve second chances. As long as she's making the effort, being an open book and reconnecting with you, working on herself (so this doesn't happen again) then go for it.. Take it slow though.

[lostsunsets]

Ask her, since you were the one who said "Once a cheater always a cheater" Why you should believe her? Personally I would dump her.

[Downtown]

2Confused, please listen to BS76. He did you the great favor of telling you that your GF's problems likely are far more severe -- and more difficult to treat -- than depression. Whereas depression can usually be treated quite successfully with pills, BPD (borderline personality disorder) is a thought disorder that cannot be medicated away. If your GF has strong BPD traits, she has had them since early childhood -- and some other members of her family likely have a mental disorder.

 

If you think BPD is a rare disorder, please think again. A 2008 study of nearly 35,000 adults found that 6% of adults have BPD at the diagnostic level at some time in their lives. I would not be surprised if another 4-6% have BPD traits so strong that, although they fall short of the diagnostic level, will make your life miserable if you were to marry one of them. If so, about 1 in 10 adults are struggling with that disorder.

If you want some kind of reason to make yourself feel better lookup borderline personality disorder. She has several hallmarks of it and those kinds of women are completely toxic.

The "hallmarks" that BS76 is referring to include your GF's threat of self harm, her continual need for drama, her push-you-away and pull-you-back behavior, her deceptions and inability to control her impulsive behavior, and her lack of a stable self image.

And I'm going to tell her to talk to her therapist about this. And so far everything has been an open book.

Don't expect to learn much from her therapist. If she has BPD, he likely has not told even her. One reason is that BPDers typically will quit therapy immediately if they are told they have that dreaded disorder because it is too painful for them to acknowledge to themselves that they have a flaw. Another reason is that insurance companies rarely cover BPD, claiming (falsely) that it is untreatable. Hence, it is common for therapists to "diagnose" it as depression, which always accompanies it to some extent.

 

A third reason is that BPDers are very vindictive and do black-white thinking (i.e., "splitting"). That is, within 15 seconds, they can go from one extreme view (the therapist is wonderful) to the opposite extreme view (the therapist is a devil). Hence, if the therapist were to tell her that she actually has "BPD" but he is reporting her as "depressed" so insurance will cover it, he is at great risk that she will report him for insurance fraud when she starts splitting him black instead of white.

 

Can BS76 and I be certain that your GF has strong traits? No, it only seems likely. That is why BS76 urged you to read about BPD traits and decide for yourself. Because all healthy human beings have all nine BPD traits (albeit at a low level), you are already familiar with them but do not recognize them by name yet. You do not need a PhD to do that. Before you left high school, for example, you already could identify girls who were too selfish and self centered to make good dating material, and you accomplished that without knowing whether the selfishness was so severe as to warrant a diagnosis of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).

I accept her for who she is. Thats why I just don't get where this cheat came from. She was soo against it. I know she hasn't cheated on anybody before, why start with me.

If she has strong BPD traits, you don't really know "who she is." Nor does she. BPDers are so unstable and have such fragile self images that much of the time they have no idea who they are. Instead, they feel an emptiness inside. Moreover, they have the emotional development of a four year old, which means that she never learned to control her emotions and impulses.

 

Hence, although she is trying hard to please you at one point in time, that can mean absolutely nothing a few days later if she has strong BPD traits. A BPDer's emotions are so intense and badly managed that she cannot know today what she will be wanting or liking a few days from now. I therefore urge you to protect yourself by reading about this pernicious disorder so you can recognize the red flags when they occur.

[Regularguy13]

Sorry to hear about it Bro...hope your okay...and i think what ur doing is great ...she deserves a second chance because she was honest ...

[DanniBaby]

I was with a guy for 3 years and cheated on him continually, just because I was bored. One time was exactly like what you went through. I cheated on him, then for some reason I told him. I was crying because I felt horrible. He had never cheated on me. I cried and cried until he forgave me, even though I knew I would do it again. We moved in together and I cheated on him while I was away seeing my mom. With that said, I am now with the person I had cheated on while with him. Have been with this person for over a year, and I will never cheat again. She is like you. She has cheated, and she never will again... after she loses you. Leave her.

[Dexter Morgan]

She swears she will never do it again. Should I believe her?

 

nope, cheaters are not to be believed since they are liars by default.

 

she has had another man behind your back, she disrespected you....time to move on and start dating to find someone that won't cheat on you.

 

and don't let her threats of hurting herself blackmail you into staying....its not your problem.

[LSNoob]

I was with a guy for 3 years and cheated on him continually, just because I was bored. One time was exactly like what you went through. I cheated on him, then for some reason I told him. I was crying because I felt horrible. He had never cheated on me. I cried and cried until he forgave me, even though I knew I would do it again. We moved in together and I cheated on him while I was away seeing my mom. With that said, I am now with the person I had cheated on while with him. Have been with this person for over a year, and I will never cheat again. She is like you. She has cheated, and she never will again... after she loses you. Leave her.

 

 

Ewwww you are gross and straight up disgusting. Why so trashy like this?? Been abused or something??

 

Trust me, once a cheater always a cheater. SOME SOME small cases , that people make mistakes and learn and never do it. But you proved it, you did it not only once but twice( god knows how many people you cheated on b4 but you just dont wanna tell us). So to me, you look like those type of people, Once a cheater always a cheater.

 

You are a bad, horrible, cheating girlfriend. Trust me, you will cheat on your current BF. I bet money on this. And please if you cheat be honest and come here and tell us.

 

"Cheated because I was bored" <---------- LMAO, nice try to sugar coated There are other fun activities you can do besides being a slut you know? You cheated because you don't have dignity, self-respect, or morals. You are a slut and one of those girls that end up being hooked up with a man full of tattoos, wife beater, comes back home orders you to get him the beer because he have to watch the match and when you wont obey his orders he will punch you in the nose and give you a black eye.

Girls like you, give good girls a bad name. That's so unfair for the good ladies out there =(.

Edited June 17, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator