boyfriend-his careeer -his move- and me??

[vicssea]

Need some insight!

 

I am 36 (divorced) and have been involved with "Andrew" age 40 (never married) on again off again for the past 2 years. We started off rocky with some issues related to an Ex of his; basically he wasn't over her to which he reassured me was not the case and lied to me about contact he was having with her behind my back. At that time he was rather "hot and cold" with me and I eventually became frustrated with this. Of course there were other issues like his tendancy to be "flirtatious" in front of me and other lies about himself/acheivemnts. I entered Therapy (b/c I felt like I was loosing my mind!!) which eventually became Couples Therapy for us but, during this process the issues continued and I decided once again to end the relationship.

 

Fast forward.....after a 6 month breakup we reunited (He continued with Therapy solo) and the past 4 months have been rather good. However, since we got back together he has been in the process of securing a job out of state (huge career opportunity with $$) and has asked me to come with him. I have been really anxious and ambivelant as I have Never moved (he has moved and lived in various states throughout his adult life) away from my home town...where naturally I have a career with a good salary/benefits, family and friends. "Andrew" says he is doing this for "our" future. I know that it is his perogative to move his career to another state but, why does it seem as though I have so much to "give up" and uproot. I don't feel that I have reached that comfertable place to make such a move being that our relationship has had such issues. For example, despite things going well the past few months there have been 2 recent episodes where "Andrew" and I have been conversing which led to a disagrrement and the next thing I knew was that he was raising his voice/yelling at me in public.....very humilating spot to be in. I might add that he continues to be rather flirty with ladies half his age(!).

Anyway, I feel like the pressure is on me to decide if I move for "Andrews" career and it feels like an ultimatum of sorts. If I decide not to go

"5 states" away I have decided that I will not persue a long-distance realtionship with him. I have never met any of his family who live out of state or really any friends of his either. Now, he is willing to introduce me to his parents b/c I insisted.

The damnest thing is that I love him, would generally not mind moving but feel this is a Huge Risk for me. And there is no Ring,,,

 

Has anyone been in this situation? Any insights?

 

Thanks for all your thoughts V

[jamal]

The fact that he hasnt introduced you to any of his friends or family is a major red flag. I remember a time when my mom and I were living on two different continents but I still managed to introduce my serious girlfriend over the phone and they chatted for a few minutes. At least you should have spoken to his family over the phone.

 

Flirting with other girls in front of you is plain disrespectful. Even ogling at other women in your presence is also disrespectful. All man do look at other women but at least we try to do it in a low key manner (e.g. from the corner of my eye or behind those ray ban sunglasses).

 

Remember this move would require a major commitment on his and your part. You are giving up a network of family and friends. giving up a career. His commitment would involve being financially responsible for you while you are unemployed or underemployed. Not an exaggeration in this new economy. Also, he would have to become your only friend and family in this new state. While I do not doubt your commitment it is his which I am questioning. Also, if this man can disrespect you by yelling at you in public and flirting with other women while you are independent - imagine what it would be like if your sustenance depended on him. He would be like a God to you.

[vicssea]

Thanks so much Jamal for your words..I really appreciate it. Funny thing is I absolutely agree with you but, when you are in a realtionship that you wish were different you loose sight. I know this behavior is Disrespectful and I have always called him out on it........I get confused.

 

I will tell you that he is not prepared to sustain me financially as he has made it clear that he wants me to be able to pay my bills when we move(which of course I have no problems doing unless you ask me to uproot myself then you must be prepared to float me for a period of time!).

Actually, his suggestion is for him to move out of state first and I stay back until I find a job......

 

Jamal, thanks again and your thoughts make me feel reassured

[jamal]

You are welcome.

BTW, what is the reason for his refusal to support you financially? Is it because he does not earn enough money to take care of two people or he just does not want to be bothered? If it is the latter, then that is another red flag. Unless you have kids, taking care of you alone should not be a major expense. He will pay the same amount of rent whether he is sleeping alone or sharing his bed with you. He does not need to pay off your credit cards - all he has to do is make the minimum monthly payments until you start working. He might also need to give you $100 month for a transit pass so you can job hunt. Maybe another $100 for your personal needs (feminine stuff etc). Since you will be available to make him dinner this should save him lots of money he would have wasted on take out. I honestly do not see how much of a major expense you could be. Besides, this is the bare minimum you could do for someone who has sacrificed everything so that they could support your career aspirations. He seems very self centered and narcissistic.

 

If you are OK with a long distance relationship then take his advice and stay behind until you get a job. However, in my experience it is not that easy to find a job when you are out of state. Why should employers wait a week for you to come for an interview when they can get a local person to come in ASAP. Anyway, if you are a highly skilled professional (e.g. doctor) or an executive then yes you can easily be recruited from out of state.

Edited June 6, 2010 by jamal

[vicssea]

Jamal - he actually makes in the six figures and I suppose the reason for him to not support me is that he is more in love with his money! He claims to have a pretty nice portfolio but, is rather secretive about his finances or "private" as he says. This job opportunity is out West in Montana and it is likely that I would take a pay cut from what I have seen. "Andrew" has said that a $20,000 pay cut is ok for me b/c he will pay all the household expenses to which I say "kiss my ass"....no way would I do that to myself financially. We have surely disagrred on this point. And, you are right Jamal it would be more difficult for me to find a position out of state as I would not be recruited as he was.

 

As for him being a possible Narcissist...he absolutely is and I have never experienced such inconsideration, lack of empathy, and general inability to respect another as I have seen with him (except in my field of work). However, he can put on the Charm like no other (he thinks he's got Game!). Despite us having super great fun at times and sharing some future goals together once again I find myself getting tired of his ****. I will not persue a LDR with him...if he goes ...he goes.

 

He was on the phone yesterday with a male friend he has talked about over the past 2 years but, i have never met (he lives out of state). I heard "Andrew" say to his friend that he has been "seeing someone for the past 2 years (me)"....and I thought "Wow...people don't even know about me.....but.....you want me to move with you?!?!"

 

Jamal...from your point of view is it acceptable to compliment another female in front of your girlfriend? Is that appropriate?

[torranceshipman]

Jamal - he actually makes in the six figures and I suppose the reason for him to not support me is that he is more in love with his money! He claims to have a pretty nice portfolio but, is rather secretive about his finances or "private" as he says. This job opportunity is out West in Montana and it is likely that I would take a pay cut from what I have seen. "Andrew" has said that a $20,000 pay cut is ok for me b/c he will pay all the household expenses to which I say "kiss my ass"....no way would I do that to myself financially. We have surely disagrred on this point. And, you are right Jamal it would be more difficult for me to find a position out of state as I would not be recruited as he was.

 

As for him being a possible Narcissist...he absolutely is and I have never experienced such inconsideration, lack of empathy, and general inability to respect another as I have seen with him (except in my field of work). However, he can put on the Charm like no other (he thinks he's got Game!). Despite us having super great fun at times and sharing some future goals together once again I find myself getting tired of his ****. I will not persue a LDR with him...if he goes ...he goes.

 

He was on the phone yesterday with a male friend he has talked about over the past 2 years but, i have never met (he lives out of state). I heard "Andrew" say to his friend that he has been "seeing someone for the past 2 years (me)"....and I thought "Wow...people don't even know about me.....but.....you want me to move with you?!?!"

 

Jamal...from your point of view is it acceptable to compliment another female in front of your girlfriend? Is that appropriate?

 

Seriously?! This post just screams douche so many times. He HAS got game when it comes to you because he basically disrespects you a lot, keeps secrets, doesn't tell his friends about you (I mean...'I'm seeing someone'?! WTF you've been together a long time), flirts with young girls, is a narcassist, screams at you in public thus has no class whatsoever, couldnt care less that a move would mess up your career, doesn't support you in any of the ways that a basic healthy R would involve, and you STILL put up with it all. His charm is NOT charm. It is sleaze. He sounds like a total loser. Dump him!!!

[jamal]

No..it is never OK to compliment another woman in front of your woman except under 2 conditions.

1)She is an elderly lady. e.g. when you say "hi gorgeous" to a 70year old woman. You girlfriend will actually think you being so cute and generous.

2)The other scenario is when your girlfriend initiates the compliment and asks you whether or not you agree with her. In this case a guy would just reluctantly say. "yeah, I think she is kinda hot but not my type".

 

There is nothing charming about arrogance but its a rule of nature that women fall in love with guys who treat them like crap.

 

Why do you think this man is still single at 40 or rather at 38 when you first met him? A 38 year old divorcee is one thing but I would ask a lot of questions about a never married 38 year old.