Kevin8se7en Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Hello, I've never posted on here but I figured maybe putting things in writing would help me. I've will have been married 3 years in July. I'm only 22yrs old, so I did get married young, but it felt right at the time, and I don't regret it one bit. Let me explain my situation before getting in to the marital stuff though... I am Canadian and my Wife is American. As a result, I cannot work in the USA without getting the legal work permits and such (However, I am a legal resident). I would get them, but they cost $2000 which we don't have, and have been trying to save for a long time. So I basically stay at home all day and do nothing while she works full-time. The tables were turned a while back when we lived in Canada, but that was only for about 7 months, while I havent worked for over a year and a half now. I feel bad about it and have tried to find under the table work, but I have no friends here (they all live in Canada) and finding that kind of work without knowing anyone is impossible. Anyways, during my time confined in an apartment all day, I could have cleaned, cooked and done all the stuff she wanted, but I rarely did. I dont know why I didn't, and I won't make excuses, but I did not contribute nearly as much as I should have. We would argue why I didn't clean and all that kind of stuff but it didn't change anything. She learned to suppress it and basically let it bottle up. She also suffers from anxiety, and I didn't help her enough throughout her panic attacks. We did have many good times, but there were just as many bad times. She is no angel either, but all in all, I was a bad husband. Now, about 2 months ago, she started talking to an old friend. His name is Jeremy and he's a douchebag (lol). Without knowing, my wife was getting attached to him and starting to develop feelings for him. She would lie to me, and cover things up and all that kind of stuff. At this point, it was a text and talk on the phone only thing by the way. One night, about a month ago, after being quite suspicious of her activity, i found topless pictures of her on her phone, which she had sent to him. That and they talked about cuddling, having sex and so on. I got pissed and she slept at her moms for about a week, and actually saw him in person at one point, which she lied about. She kept saying they were just friends and so on. So I installed a program on her phone called flexispy. It's designed to catch cheating spouses, and it logs all the text messages she sends and receives (you can actually read the messages from your computer). We hadnt really talked about anything after all of this, and weeks passed, and I had all these thoughts, emotions and questions building up from the start. The only thing keeping me semi-sane was knowing what she was saying to him, which wasn't always stuff I wanted to hear. She refused to talk to me about anything, and always said "We will talk later". I mean, we did talk but not about the situation. Well one night, she promised to talk but instead went to see him at her friend that lives down the road. She said she would only be there for an hour, which turned in to several. I begged her to talk to me all night and she always said later. I finally snapped and i tried to commit suicide by taking 50 extra strength Tylenol. I immediately regretted this, and she called 911 and I went to the hospital. I ended up being fine, but I spent 5 days there. 2 days in the ER, and 3 days in the psychiatric (mental) facility. He slept over at my house the night I went to the hospital, and she didn't come see me until the next afternoon. She came to see me a few times throughout, but I knew something was up (they had been hanging out). When I got out of the hospital, she spent that night having dinner with him. While she was away, I read all the texts they sent each other while I was in the hospital. I found out he slept over and they cuddled, and that she wanted hm to grab her boobs, but he hadn't because he wasn't sure if that was OK at the time. Nothing major happened (no sex) but it's still not stuff you do while you are married. I confronted her and she came clean about everything, and I then deleted the flexispy program. I know they havent kissed or done anything sexual yet (even though it sounds like they have), but it's still difficult. She says she doesn't know what she wants. She says she loves me and that shes still IN LOVE with me, but what I put her through before is hard to overcome. I love her despite what she has done, and want to put all this behind us. I want to go to marriage counseling, and I have even started taking medication for situational depression. We still have sex and kiss and stuff, so I don't know what to feel. My family and friends are all in Canada so I have no one to talk to. I am scheduled to go back to Canada in about 10 days from now because she hasnt stopped talking to him yet, and it makes her sad and confused. On one hand, she says she can't let me go but on the other she says she cant just let him go. To me, it seems like she wants to explore her feelings for him, while staying with me at the same time, which is unacceptable. It hurts me and I cry all the time. She was a virgin when we met, and we have had a LOT of good times together. I dont want to lose her, but I don't know how to feel about all this. I know what she did was wrong, and I should want to leave her, but I don't. She just cant make up her mind, and she has always been like that. I've shown her that I can change lately, but she has her doubts (fair enough). I've told her how I feel and that i'll do anything for her. She cries at night, but on the other hand, she still texts him and is actually going to hang out with him later tonight. She's confused and can't think straight and as a result, it's making me SUPER emotional. I want her to be happy, and I would love to be there by her forever. I want to be a better husband and I know I can be (I was good at first but then IDK what happened). I know we can work and get past this but she isn't sure of anything. She isn't even sure if she wants to be with him at all (or so she says). We don't have any kids, but we do have pets, and have been through more than anyone at our ripe age. Our apartment actually burnt down two christmas' ago and we lost everything. I was depressed and I think that contributed to me being a bad husband, but I am ready and willing to change. I understand her feelings and doubts, but I still dont know what to do or how to feel. If I go back to Canada, its over 100% (divorce) and we both dont want that, but she also doenst want to get rid of him. It should be as easy as picking which is most important, but shes so confused that it makes it impossible for her. So yeah... Any comments, suggestions or anything at all will help. thanks for reading. EDIT/NOTE: Im not normally someone who lets stress get to me. Im not normally suicidal either. I'm a pretty normal guy outside the last 2 months.
You Go Girl Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Ask your wife to let him go for a few months. Explain to her that she can't focus on the marriage and him at the same time. Remind her that if he's worth keeping at all, he will still be waiting for her. Tell her that you'd like this time to try to sort out your marriage, and get it back on the right footing. Tell her listen--you can't save your marriage and have an affair at the same time. Your heart and head won't be able to do that, pulled two directions. Should you file for a green card, or whatever it takes to get employment? You're a legal resident and married to her...so why sit around the apartment? There are ways to be able to be employed here without citizenship. Are you trying hard enough to be legally able to be employed? Maybe I don't know some of the hoops you have to jump through. I think the two of you need some longterm goals. You need to be striving toward something. Stagnation and complacency are relationship killers. I wish you the best at finding the way to make your marriage healthy again.
Electron Manipulator Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 Not to mention, start doing some of the things you missed out on around the house....cooking....cleaning...whatever needs to be done. This was an issue with my stbx and it about drove me crazy. I have a job, pay the bills and I also wound up having to clean up all the messes, mine and hers, plus cook, plus whatever else came up. It made me feel like the responsibility of EVERYTHING was on my back and I was being used without any help in the relationship.
Windsurf66 Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Yup, she has to make a decision betw you two; either cut off all contact with her bf and work on the marriage with you, or divorce. Thats for her to decide. I think you have your own decisions to make, whether to stay in this marriage. You have been a lazy/poor husband who is jobless, refused to help around the house and did not support her adequately during her anxiety attacks. But she should have work things out with you instead of suppressing it. And her behaviour was much worse: 1) Sent topless pictures to OM 2) Talked abt having sex with the OM 3) Lied abt meeting the OM 4) Refused to talk with you even after u begged her, and went to meet the OM instead 5) Spent the night with the OM in your own house instead of keeping watch over you on the first night that u had been admitted to hospital. And she wanted him to grab her boobs, which might eventually lead to sex or maybe they indeed had sex that night 6) Hung out with the OM during your few days stay in hospital 7) Spent the night having dinner with OM when u were discharged 8) Continued to communicate and hang out with the OM even after you confronted her and she had admitted to the affair. Point 5 is quite evil btw and unforgivable. Points 5, 6, 7 show the complete lack of remorse in her, even after she caused your suicide attempt. She does not really love you if she could all these. You sure u want to be married to someone of this kinda character? "She says she loves me and that shes still IN LOVE with me, but what I put her through before is hard to overcome." I am sorry, but i dun think she loves you at all for her to do those things when you were hospitalized due to a suicide attempt that was triggered by her. She is probably saying it to string you along until she has decided who can offer her a better deal. And from yr post, what she had done pales very much in comparison to what you as a lazy and unsupportive husband had done or did not do. Personally, I will not even keep such a person as a friend, much less a wife. You have to think through carefully and decide for yrself as well. Dun be afraid to take tough decisions that would be better in the long run.
Gunny376 Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Your 25! Cut your losses and run with them. Statistically you've a 10% chance of having a successful marriage? Your not relationship experienced enough, knowledgeable enough, mature enough to pull off a traditional Western style marriage, Don' wast some of the best years of our life ~ youth on something that you could potentially invest years upon years on ~ only to have then go to waste for nothing?
Darren Steez Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 It's quite easy to blame the wife in this, but what if a guy worked all day and came home and nothing was done, no cleaning or anything, yes the employment situation is tough but as a couple you had to try ride it out, work together as a team, now she was working and you were lounging about the house not doing anything, she's thinking "Is this the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with?" Women want security and to be felt like their loved and cherished, these factors were obviously missing early on and she took an escape route with this guy. If you really want this marriage to work then she has to go NC with this guy, none of this I can't let him go..of course she can if she really wanted to, there's no confusion there. She absolutely had to choose, but also you have to step up and be a man, swallow your pride, clean the house, the car, shampoo the damn couch, cook, do the laundry, yes it may seem beneath you but you have to contribute something, but ultimately you have to find employment, get the money otherwise this marriage will be doomed if the same factors keep rearing their ugly heads. It's hard work but both of you need to stop making excuses IF you both really want to be with each other? Why not go back to Canada and work to save up the money, must be better than sitting at home waiting for a miracle to happen, unfortunately if you leave then she might jump at the opportunity to sleep with this guy. Talk, talk and talk to her be honest with other. Good luck.
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