Jump to content

Multiple D-Days for BS and OW. What really is the difference?

silktricks

By silktricks
in The Other Man / Woman

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

GreenEyedLady Established Member

GreenEyedLady

Posted
Posted
One doesn't have to defend love. Love just is. When you have to defend it, it doesn't make sense.

 

I just don't understand a BW who clings to someone she knows cheated and probably will again especially given that her H is not pursuing her but staying due to threats, etc.

 

Why then does a BW have to defend her choice to stay with her H? Love just is.

 

Why do OW cling to someone she knows cheated and got thrown under the bus or allowed the A to continue after d-day and the MM stayed with the W? The past is the best predictor of future behavior.

 

Neither side understands the other, yet the motivations are very much the same. They love the man and they will do what they can to keep/get him.

 

OW just try to explain it away as they "know" he's with another. I don't really understand why that is a place of superiority. It is quite gullible to believe one is so special that a known liar only speaks the truth to them.

 

GEL

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted
I think we may have discussed our situations before.

 

As with your situation I found out everything on the same day (years and years worth) so haven't had true multiple d-days. However there was some trickle-truth towards me that went on for a while and there was a limited amount of continued contact between them which I found out about much later.

 

For many MM in affairs they are "supposed" to make a choice on d-day, but from reading this board they often try to continue the situation (ie both the marriage and the affair). This involves telling the BW one thing and the OW another. As far as I can work out a fairly typical situation is:

 

1. To the BW: I love and choose you - I'm sorry and will end it permanently with the OW.

 

2. To the OW: I love you and you only - but I can't leave yet because of (insert whatever excuse has always been used).

 

I have difficultly relating how either woman can stay with him after multiple d-days for all the reasons that have well and truly been canvassed by both sides on this forum. If we have another d-day then I'll experience it first hand and may have a better understanding of it.

 

This is my take on it too, Syd.

 

Some equate multiple DDays with the discovery of continued contact with the OW/OM after the original DDAY and the profession to the BS of I love you and will end it permanently with the OW/OM.

 

I think the MP initially wants to preserve the pre-DDAY life with wife and hearth and home and AP on the side. They say whatever it takes to recreate it.

 

Hopefully, both the OW/OM and the BS see through this manipulation (confusion?) and force a final choosing. Some do; others do not.

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted
Why then does a BW have to defend her choice to stay with her H? Love just is.

 

Why do OW cling to someone she knows cheated and got thrown under the bus or allowed the A to continue after d-day and the MM stayed with the W? The past is the best predictor of future behavior.

 

Neither side understands the other, yet the motivations are very much the same. They love the man and they will do what they can to keep/get him.

 

OW just try to explain it away as they "know" he's with another. I don't really understand why that is a place of superiority. It is quite gullible to believe one is so special that a known liar only speaks the truth to them.

 

GEL

 

Great post GEL!

 

After DDay, I knew he had lied to me, but then began to see how he was lying to her. Why?

 

He was hoping to preserve the affair and thought if he calmed things down at home, he could pick up their relatinship again.

 

I saw through it. Not sure if she did. Not sure if she was still hoping to be chosen by him. She had every right to think so. He had alluded to a future with her often; when the last child went to school, when he reached his financial goals, blah, blah, blah.

 

Two years later when I finally spoke with her, she was beyond angry, claiming she was lied to repeatedly, profusely and deliberately on a daily basis, and I had no idea.

 

I replied: Of course I did. What did you expect?

He lied to me. He lied to you. And mostly, he seems to have been lying to himself.

 

Yes, past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior, and honesty is a character trait best exemplified by action, not words.

MizFit Established Member

MizFit

Posted
Posted
How can your MM's BS stay with him after knowing what he has done? I am assuming here that your MM and W made traditional wedding vows. If so, she promised him and God that she would love him for better or worse, til one of them dies. Maybe she is just keeping her promises.

That could very well be...that's entirely her choice. I have no inclination she will ever end the marriage no matter how many Ddays we go through. I couldn't do that, but she has the motivation to.

 

Which brings up an interesting thought. MM promised her the same things your H promised you (I'm assuming.) MM is breaking his promise to her, just like your H broke his promises to you. Seems like you got another one like your H. Something to think about.

The difference is my MM will never be more than an MM to me. He has never promised me a thing so I expect nothing and I am 99.99999% sure I'll never be in the position to worry about him breaking the promises to me. I also have a history with him through some very traumatic things and his actions before, during and after some of the events shape how I see him. Until he lies to me or breaks a promise to me I trust him...it's as it is with any relationship. I don't have blind faith in anyone, not even my best friends, so I tend to watch for discrepancies about what I'm told or see. .

 

Responses in bold...

MizFit Established Member

MizFit

Posted
Posted
Mizfit, here's what I don't get.

 

And I know this is gonna sound rude, so I apologize in advance. It's just that there's such a break in the "make sense factor" (to me, mind you) that I gotta ask this.

 

You would never accept your H cheating on you.

 

But you're totally fine with MM's cheating, as long as it isn't directly against you.

 

That means that you're completely fine with cheating/lying/breaking of vows...as long as it's not directed at you but someone else?

I am involved with someone who has made a decision to have an A...that is not my decision, it is his. I have never cheated on anyone and I wouldn't. I took my marriage vows seriously until my exH didn't. At that point I started making the decisions for me. MM is a big boy and will do what he will do...I know you don't agree with me, but I am inconsequential. She was going to be hurt no matter who he was with...me, a neighbor, an anonymous ONS, a hooker. It doesn't matter what I think of him breaking the vows-that's between he and his W. When my exH broke our vows it had zilch to do with the OW...it was between us. I also am not a believer that because someone cheated once they will again...there are WS who have reconciled who prove it...my exH proved it. If by any stretch of the imagination MM and I were to end up together his actions to me would dictate our relationship. When I met my exH I didn't take his previous relationships into consideration when building mine. Even if I had there would have been no warnings and nothing would have changed.

 

Again, I know that's harsh...but it just jumped into my mind when I read your post above, and totally threw me off.

 

Why's it ok to participate and see it done to others, but not ok for it to be done to you?

It's not harsh...I'm on here voluntarily to learn and to help people if I can. I know that my situation will be picked to the bones and that's fine...what I'm living, I'm living. I don't ask your permission or anyone elses...there are things I read the curl my toes and things that make me almost ill...there are other things I read that I stop and say, huh. As I said above the cheating going on is between them...if it were between he and I then you are absolutely correct-I wouldn't have it.

 

Above in bold...

Fieldsofgold Established Member

Fieldsofgold

Posted
Posted
Responses in bold...

 

I appreciate that you are here, and that you are being so honest and open in your responses. Just the truth as you see it, without bitterness, cattiness, or a scorecard. Thank you for your explanations. For the first time, I understand where you (and perhaps others) are coming from. I know there are probably as many different reasons and expectaions fueling relationships as there are relationships. But your answers give me a little more insight and understanding.

MizFit Established Member

MizFit

Posted
Posted
I appreciate that you are here, and that you are being so honest and open in your responses. Just the truth as you see it, without bitterness, cattiness, or a scorecard. Thank you for your explanations. For the first time, I understand where you (and perhaps others) are coming from. I know there are probably as many different reasons and expectaions fueling relationships as there are relationships. But your answers give me a little more insight and understanding.

 

Thanks very much for that Fieldsofgold...we all have so much to teach and to learn. My situation is so different I never quite know if it has any relevance to anyone else.

 

Hope you've had a good weekend and have a fab week coming up...

delirious Established Member

delirious

Posted
Posted
I have experience of multiple Ddays with my two exSOs, who were both serial cheaters.

 

As an OW I have experience of one Dday, where my MM chose to minimize my importance in his life to his wife in order to be able to maintain our relationship.

 

To me what matters is whether I love and desire the man in question. A Dday does not change that, whether I am/was the BS or the OW. To me there is just too much emphasis put on Ddays. I don't find them especially relevant to the extent of one's emotions. They are more like a crash. You will have to wait until afterwards to see who survived.

 

JJ i love and completely parallel with you in every way.

 

DD days are NOT about choosing, they are panic days, what to do to minimise the impact on all. If the MM has anything about him, any feelings, he will try not to cause pain to everyone, difficult as that is and as to how much evidence there is, he will deny deny deny. So would I, deny deny deny. We are all not ready for the big impact so we choose by default, the minimum impact choice to maintain the status quo. It is not a selifish choice necessarily it is about not being ready to make one. Nobody can make the right choice under stress of a dday. I would not trust that choice as a BS or a OW.

White Flower Established Member

White Flower

Posted
Posted

Here is my OP:

I actually think we're both thinking along the same lines and want the same thing. We want the R with the man that we love and will fight in whichever capacity suits us to fight in. She is defending her territory. We wait for him to reclaim his. She follows him, he pursues us. Whatever the stance, we both want him.

 

I think some OW make the argument that since she is following and clinging to him makes her faulty in her judgment because she knows he stepped out on her. He didn't really step out on us, not in our mind anyway. (This point can be argued on another thread I'm sure). So the difference in our fighting for our man is that we feel we know where his heart is and feel that she should know where his heart is even when he is lying to her.

 

One doesn't have to defend love. Love just is. When you have to defend it, it doesn't make sense.

 

Now if the WH pursues the BW and she takes him back I totally understand. Women love to be pursued no matter if we're M or not. I just don't understand a BW who clings to someone she knows cheated and probably will again especially given that her H is not pursuing her but staying due to threats, etc. There are some BW out there like that.

 

I didn't say we shouldn't defend the institution of M, or any R for that matter just not love itself. The OP asked a question and I was using generalities in order to help her understand a possible answer. I don't know how I could be any more general with language such as I think and not in our mind and I feel.

 

Why then does a BW have to defend her choice to stay with her H? Love just is.

 

Why do OW cling to someone she knows cheated and got thrown under the bus or allowed the A to continue after d-day and the MM stayed with the W? The past is the best predictor of future behavior.

Why do you assume all OW cling after D-day? Speaking for myself, I enjoy being pursued. I don't do the cling thing. If that were me, I'd still be M!!!

 

When I stated, "we will fight in whichever capacity suits us [both BW and OW] to fight in", I believe I fight in the capacity of his pursuing me--letting him fight for me. She fights in the capacity of keeping what she believes is there. (This is to further answer the OP's question as to why I believe we both defend the R in general).

 

Neither side understands the other, yet the motivations are very much the same. They love the man and they will do what they can to keep/get him.

I pretty much stated that.:)

 

OW just try to explain it away as they "know" he's with another. I don't really understand why that is a place of superiority.

 

Never never never would I state anything from a place of superiority! I even stated that my point could be argued! How unsuperior is that?

It is quite gullible to believe one is so special that a known liar only speaks the truth to them.

 

GEL

So true. I wonder how you got beyond this yourself.:cool: At any rate, I'm glad you overcame it.:)
White Flower Established Member

White Flower

Posted
Posted
It is quite gullible to believe one is so special that a known liar only speaks the truth to them.

 

GEL

 

Great post GEL!

 

After DDay, I knew he had lied to me, but then began to see how he was lying to her. Why?

 

He was hoping to preserve the affair and thought if he calmed things down at home, he could pick up their relatinship again.

 

I saw through it. Not sure if she did. Not sure if she was still hoping to be chosen by him. She had every right to think so. He had alluded to a future with her often; when the last child went to school, when he reached his financial goals, blah, blah, blah.

 

Two years later when I finally spoke with her, she was beyond angry, claiming she was lied to repeatedly, profusely and deliberately on a daily basis, and I had no idea.

 

I replied: Of course I did. What did you expect?

He lied to me. He lied to you. And mostly, he seems to have been lying to himself.

 

Yes, past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior, and honesty is a character trait best exemplified by action, not words.

TBH, I think it is those actions that make us the most gullible. We SEE what he is doing for us which makes us believe. it happens on both sides.

Jilly Bean Established Member

Jilly Bean

Posted
Posted

Doesn't "multiple D-days" just prove what (most) of us believe to be true? That a cheater lies to everyone, and does so over and over?

 

There is no difference for anyone involved. Except, perhaps, different levels of denial and rationalization.

 

I still find it hysterical when a BS says, "well, NOW that he's come clean about his 10 years of multiple affairs, he says all he wants is to be faithful and with me forever."

 

Yeah - didn't he say that on your wedding day, in front of God and witnesses?

 

It's just absurd that anyone believes a cheater. By definition of their actions, they are wired to lie. It's part and parcel of being a cheater, and is an ingrained part of someone's personality and psyche.

 

But, it seems the OW and BS both like to think they are different, and when Dday happens, and the cheater continues to lie to both, they believe it because they aren't strong enough to see reality.

 

Rinse, lather, repeat.

White Flower Established Member

White Flower

Posted
Posted
Doesn't "multiple D-days" just prove what (most) of us believe to be true? That a cheater lies to everyone, and does so over and over?

 

There is no difference for anyone involved. Except, perhaps, different levels of denial and rationalization.

 

I still find it hysterical when a BS says, "well, NOW that he's come clean about his 10 years of multiple affairs, he says all he wants is to be faithful and with me forever."

 

Yeah - didn't he say that on your wedding day, in front of God and witnesses?

 

It's just absurd that anyone believes a cheater. By definition of their actions, they are wired to lie. It's part and parcel of being a cheater, and is an ingrained part of someone's personality and psyche.

 

But, it seems the OW and BS both like to think they are different, and when Dday happens, and the cheater continues to lie to both, they believe it because they aren't strong enough to see reality.

 

Rinse, lather, repeat.

I think that's a pretty fair assumption. The only thing I'd like to add or disagree with is that faith is all about choice. We choose to believe in Jesus, Budda, our lover. Belief in someone is not always earned; sometimes it is just a gift...whether we are 'strong' or not.

GreenEyedLady Established Member

GreenEyedLady

Posted
Posted
Here is my OP:

 

 

I didn't say we shouldn't defend the institution of M, or any R for that matter just not love itself. The OP asked a question and I was using generalities in order to help her understand a possible answer. I don't know how I could be any more general with language such as I think and not in our mind and I feel.

 

 

Why do you assume all OW cling after D-day? Speaking for myself, I enjoy being pursued. I don't do the cling thing. If that were me, I'd still be M!!!

 

When I stated, "we will fight in whichever capacity suits us [both BW and OW] to fight in", I believe I fight in the capacity of his pursuing me--letting him fight for me. She fights in the capacity of keeping what she believes is there. (This is to further answer the OP's question as to why I believe we both defend the R in general).

I pretty much stated that.:)

 

 

 

Never never never would I state anything from a place of superiority! I even stated that my point could be argued! How unsuperior is that?

So true. I wonder how you got beyond this yourself.:cool: At any rate, I'm glad you overcame it.:)

 

Aww, WF, my friend, I thought you might take it personally, when it was meant generally and in response to the many years of seeing the same thing, day in and day out...

 

I am not naive that I believe that my H would never cheat on me. That is a stupid thing for me to believe. His past is his past and he has lied to me and everyone he loves repeatedly.

 

I don't think he would do that because we truly love each other and we do have something that is very special. He has done so much to address all the issues in his life. However, to say never is plain foolish.

 

How many times have BW's come here devastated that the man they pledged their lives to betrayed them once, twice more times than that, and they NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD HAPPEN TO THEM?

 

The fact of the matter is that you only know what people let you know. And people who lie and cheat are masters at deception. Of course they can change and become the people they were meant to be, but how many OW "think" they're in an A because it just happened? Men who betray their wives, betray their OW. It is the nature of the R. Sorry for those who disagree.

 

I love my H and trust him. He is a good man and he followed through with everything he has said. But it is just plain bad luck to say he would never do that.

 

People are fallible. They do things they shouldn't because they feel neglected or hurt or insert whatever reason here.

 

We are all just human but to play superior to someone else because we have more knowledge just isn't cool. (And I wasn't ever referring to you but you must feel convicted by that part or I don't think you would have come after me personally.)

 

WF I think of you as my friend and I responded to your post because yours was the one that had arguments I felt were valid and that could be rebutted. Whatever happens in your R with your X?MM I wish you the best.

 

I think it will be eye opening if you do marry your MM. I would not find it surprising if you find your opinions change, as does your status. If someone came after my man, I would not just give him up in the name of love. I'd be whooping both their asses in the parking lot.

 

((HUGS))

 

GEL

White Flower Established Member

White Flower

Posted
Posted

 

Aww, WF, my friend, I thought you might take it personally, when it was meant generally and in response to the many years of seeing the same thing, day in and day out...

 

I am not naive that I believe that my H would never cheat on me. That is a stupid thing for me to believe. His past is his past and he has lied to me and everyone he loves repeatedly.

 

I don't think he would do that because we truly love each other and we do have something that is very special. He has done so much to address all the issues in his life. However, to say never is plain foolish.

 

How many times have BW's come here devastated that the man they pledged their lives to betrayed them once, twice more times than that, and they NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD HAPPEN TO THEM?

 

The fact of the matter is that you only know what people let you know.

We often forget that some are pretty good at verifying what has been told us. I'm one of those.;) I can't accept the truth blindly anymore.

 

 

And people who lie and cheat are masters at deception. Of course they can change and become the people they were meant to be, but how many OW "think" they're in an A because it just happened? Men who betray their wives, betray their OW. It is the nature of the R. Sorry for those who disagree.

 

I happen to agree. I suppose this is where you're going general in your statement and not directing it at me:laugh:. Nobody has learned this lesson harder than I have.

 

And I believe ALL people come here to this planet to become who they were meant to become no matter what age.

I love my H and trust him. He is a good man and he followed through with everything he has said. But it is just plain bad luck to say he would never do that.

Again, I totally understand. I could see myself in exactly your position a year from now. So many BW are in that position as well because they SEE a change in behavior and the actions coming through louder than any words. We just need to remember just how masterful these guys can be, not that they will be every time. I'm glad your H has become who he was meant to be.:)

 

People are fallible. They do things they shouldn't because they feel neglected or hurt or insert whatever reason here.

 

We are all just human but to play superior to someone else because we have more knowledge just isn't cool. (And I wasn't ever referring to you but you must feel convicted by that part or I don't think you would have come after me personally.)

Not convicted actually, and not coming after you personally, just defending myself because you quoted my post in yours but you've explained yourself so it's cool.:)

 

I might feel like I have more information but I would never feel superior because of it. Besides, the extra info I have isn't benefitting me at the moment anyway. It is just knowledge. That knowledge does not make me feel superior.

WF I think of you as my friend and I responded to your post because yours was the one that had arguments I felt were valid and that could be rebutted.

As did I; that is why I tried to answer the OPs question in generalities and not necessarily speaking from my own experience.

Whatever happens in your R with your X?MM I wish you the best.

 

I think it will be eye opening if you do marry your MM. I would not find it surprising if you find your opinions change, as does your status. If someone came after my man, I would not just give him up in the name of love. I'd be whooping both their asses in the parking lot.

 

((HUGS))

 

GEL

 

And I can see you doing that!

 

 

I have often pondered the last statement. I can't say that I know how I would act in the future. I don't believe I would hand him the phone on D-day and force him to call an OW in front of me. I just wouldn't get off on it. That would be like sticking his cajones in the microwave and watching them shrink.

 

I think I'd rather get off on calling her myself, what with my excellent communication skills an' all:D. Or just hire a private eye to see what is really going on and if he really wants her that much he can have her. I don't need to force anybody to be with me. But you're right, I would probably try to fight and reason with him first especially if I sensed he still loved me and was passionate toward me.

  • Author
silktricks Established Member

silktricks

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
JJ i love and completely parallel with you in every way.

 

DD days are NOT about choosing, they are panic days, what to do to minimise the impact on all. If the MM has anything about him, any feelings, he will try not to cause pain to everyone, difficult as that is and as to how much evidence there is, he will deny deny deny. So would I, deny deny deny. We are all not ready for the big impact so we choose by default, the minimum impact choice to maintain the status quo. It is not a selifish choice necessarily it is about not being ready to make one. Nobody can make the right choice under stress of a dday. I would not trust that choice as a BS or a OW.

 

IMO, what you do - what choices you make - when making them under stress says everything about what you really want, what you really find important. Those are the times that really show what is important to you. When in a moment of panic a mother will usually attempt to save her child before herself - that shows where her heart lies - with her child. That is not a mistake, as I'm certain you will agree.

 

The fact that after the stress is over, other things sometimes kick in and we say - wait a minute - maybe I don't really want that... The heart is fickle - but the choice I personally would trust the most is the one made when under stress. That choice shows the true colors. IMO.

 

The fact is, I didn't have a "D-Day" as did most who post here. I didn't discover something. My H told me. I can't tell you how many times I used to wish the I did discover it - that I saw exactly what his choice was when under stress. That would have told me more in many ways than how I did find out - I believe it would have made my recovery time shorter as well.

Edited by silktricks
Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted
IMO, what you do - what choices you make - when making them under stress says everything about what you really want, what you really find important. Those are the times that really show what is important to you. When in a moment of panic a mother will usually attempt to save her child before herself - that shows where her heart lies - with her child. That is not a mistake, as I'm certain you will agree.

 

The fact that after the stress is over, other things sometimes kick in and we say - wait a minute - maybe I don't really want that... The heart is fickle - but the choice I personally would trust the most is the one made when under stress. That choice shows the true colors. IMO.

 

I believe in this wholeheartedly, silk!

 

It's called our "blink," our gut reaction, our primal intuition that kicks choice.

 

I've read we all have, but we often deny it, or rationalize it, or talk ourselves out of it, or deny it.

  • Author
silktricks Established Member

silktricks

Posted
  • Author
Posted
A

I love my H and trust him. He is a good man and he followed through with everything he has said. But it is just plain bad luck to say he would never do that.

 

People are fallible. They do things they shouldn't because they feel neglected or hurt or insert whatever reason here.

On the mark! All of us make mistakes, and a BS who doesn't see that they have also made mistakes is just hiding her/his head in the sand. Taking the view that the WS is a horrible person (though possibly true at times:p) certainly doesn't solve anything if love remains.

 

We are all just human but to play superior to someone else because we have more knowledge just isn't cool. (And I wasn't ever referring to you but you must feel convicted by that part or I don't think you would have come after me personally.)
:) 'zactly

 

I think it will be eye opening if you do marry your MM. I would not find it surprising if you find your opinions change, as does your status. If someone came after my man, I would not just give him up in the name of love. I'd be whooping both their asses in the parking lot.

Thank-you for that. I'll admit that if my H did it again, I'd give him up - not in the name of love, but in the name of self-preservation :o. He got one "get of jail free" card and there's only one to a customer in my game. But why oh why would someone (such as an OW) expect that a BS would not fight for the man she loves just as the OW is willing to fight for the man she loves - and that somehow the BS is bad (or stupid) because of it.... Doesn't make any sense... :cool:

Snowflower Established Member

Snowflower

Posted
Posted

The fact is, I didn't have a "D-Day" as did most who post here. I didn't discover something. My H told me. I can't tell you how many times I used to wish the I did discover it - that I saw exactly what his choice was when under stress. That would have told me more in many ways than how I did find out - I believe it would have made my recovery time shorter as well.

 

I didn't have a d-day either where I found out some incriminating, irrefutable evidence. My H also told me...but the day he told me I do still consider it 'd-day' where the truth came out.

 

It's interesting that you say that you wished you would have discovered it. I'm the exact opposite--I think I would have always then wondered if he was sorry that he got caught rather than taking the risk and telling me. In fact, I have wondered many times if I would have eventually walked away because I would have always been unsure of his motives (if I had discovered the A myself).

  • Author
silktricks Established Member

silktricks

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I didn't have a d-day either where I found out some incriminating, irrefutable evidence. My H also told me...but the day he told me I do still consider it 'd-day' where the truth came out.

 

It's interesting that you say that you wished you would have discovered it. I'm the exact opposite--I think I would have always then wondered if he was sorry that he got caught rather than taking the risk and telling me. In fact, I have wondered many times if I would have eventually walked away because I would have always been unsure of his motives (if I had discovered the A myself).

 

:laugh: I totally understand what you are saying. Had my husband not told me, I would have suspected as well whether or not he was just sorry he got caught. I think I'm just one of those people that no matter what happens, I can always find some reason to wish it was different.... :laugh:. But - even with that said - I always wanted to see what he would have done - what his instantaneous reaction would have been - had I discovered them.

White Flower Established Member

White Flower

Posted
Posted

Thank-you for that. I'll admit that if my H did it again, I'd give him up - not in the name of love, but in the name of self-preservation :o. He got one "get of jail free" card and there's only one to a customer in my game. But why oh why would someone (such as an OW) expect that a BS would not fight for the man she loves just as the OW is willing to fight for the man she loves - and that somehow the BS is bad (or stupid) because of it.... Doesn't make any sense... :cool:

I actually agree with this too, especially given that the H's behavior indicates the M is worth saving. If he isn't and she keeps seeing repeated bad behavior, then that is when I find it frustrating to see her fight for her man. I feel the same for the OW. Depending on the sitch, both have the right to fight and both can be viewed as 'stupid' for trying to.

jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

Posted
Posted
I believe in this wholeheartedly, silk!

 

It's called our "blink," our gut reaction, our primal intuition that kicks choice.

 

I've read we all have, but we often deny it, or rationalize it, or talk ourselves out of it, or deny it.

 

Guess my MM's gut reaction was to deny, deny, deny and gaslight his wife then!

Owl Established Member

Owl

Posted
Posted

That usually is the normal reaction.

 

Rather than admit the truth, the WS almost always fights to maintain the status quo by incessant lying and gaslighting.

 

They fight to keep both 'partners' in their lives. And if the BS doesn't FORCE the choice or buys into those lies and gaslighting, they usually succeed, just as your MM did.

 

Had she pushed the issue...then he'd have been forced to take the next step in the decision making process.

 

But since you're both willing to keep a relationship with him (one knowing, one less so), he's successful in keeping you both and hasn't had to work at making any further choices.

jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

Posted
Posted
That usually is the normal reaction.

 

Rather than admit the truth, the WS almost always fights to maintain the status quo by incessant lying and gaslighting.

 

They fight to keep both 'partners' in their lives. And if the BS doesn't FORCE the choice or buys into those lies and gaslighting, they usually succeed, just as your MM did.

 

Had she pushed the issue...then he'd have been forced to take the next step in the decision making process.

 

But since you're both willing to keep a relationship with him (one knowing, one less so), he's successful in keeping you both and hasn't had to work at making any further choices.

 

Well, I am fine with that because it is very clear to me that he is not in a position to be able to make a choice. Any choice at this time would be forced upon him, and I am not going to be the one to do that.

Owl Established Member

Owl

Posted
Posted
Well, I am fine with that because it is very clear to me that he is not in a position to be able to make a choice. Any choice at this time would be forced upon him, and I am not going to be the one to do that.

 

I understand that completely. But your implied message was that your MM opted to lie to his wife as his choice...implying a negative about the relationship with his wife.

 

Not true.

 

His "choice" was to keep both of you, rather than own up to what he's been doing and actually make a decision.

 

It wasn't a situation where his wife "lost". It was a situation where he got away with doing what he was doing by choosing to lie rather than actually making a decision.

  • Author
silktricks Established Member

silktricks

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Well, I am fine with that because it is very clear to me that he is not in a position to be able to make a choice. Any choice at this time would be forced upon him, and I am not going to be the one to do that.

 

Jennie, has there been more than one D-Day for you two?

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...