Nukulus Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Hey folks I am in need of some advice about a situation with a girl that I know. For a bit of background here is an old thread where I asked about a date with her http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t231525/?highlight=nukulus For a quick recap: Girl that frequents my work has crush on me I was busy so I didn't pursue it initially End of semester comes around we start talking and hit it off She goes home for a week but we have a date planned for when she comes back Mon-Thurs of the week she is gone we are in contact a lot text/calling and it was initiated 50/50 both ways Friday it's like someone turns off the faucet... barely hear from her bad feeling in my stomach about the situation Date day rolls around and it goes pretty well but still doesn't feel right Day after date she tells me that her ex-bf called her and expressed his love for her and that she still had feelings for him and wants to see where that goes. She doesn't want to lead me on and she isn't one of those girls that can date 2 guys at once. She thinks I'm a fantastic guy and really wants to remain friends yada yada yada. So I'm kinda bummed... but it's ok. I actually respect her more for telling me rather than leading me on. This was ~3weeks ago. Initially despite my agreeing to remain friends I was just gonna go no contact for a while as I wasn't sure I could go back to having friendly feelings for her. Well that lasted a few days before she texted me wishing me luck on a business trip. We chatted for a bit and it seemed pretty good. Again I left it for a few days as I still wasn't sure... she texted me during my business trip to see how it was going etc. So basically since then I decided screw it... I'm still going to talk to her. So for the past week we've been talking on and off about general stuff. Then a couple days ago she invited me out to hang out at a bar with her and her friends. I agreed to go as I had nothing else to do and I was curious to see how she behaved. Well from my perspective, and my friends perspective (granted we were drinking) she appeared very interested. Talking with me, sitting very close to me, wanting to dance with me, and then I was elsewhere for a little while talking to other girls that I knew she was asking my friends where I was etc. It was almost to the point of showing pre-date levels of interest. My friends think I should try and pursue her again. I'm torn... I like this girl. She truly is a fantastic person and I am interested. However there are a couple things that give me pause. First I don't want to get burned by trying again since she already told me a few weeks ago she was going to be talking to her ex. 2nd while her FB account doesn't say she's "in a relationship" or "complicated" or whatever it used to say "single"...recently she has removed her relationship stuff from her info. So I don't really know what that means. Like I said my friends are encouraging me to go for it. Mostly I agree as I feel this is a girl worth "fighting" for even if her ex is involved and that it might be something I regret down the road. So LS what are your thoughts and opinions? I'd really like input from both males and females here. Thanks for your time!
Author Nukulus Posted June 5, 2010 Author Posted June 5, 2010 hmmm almost 20 views and no advice or opinions? Come on guys consider this a bump!
Fight4Me Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Okay, I'll take a stab at it, but keep in mind this is coming from an old lady of 40. After reading both threads, I think you can rule out her making up the "my bf is back" story to let you down easy and avoid going out with you again. Girls who do that don't continue contact, let alone call to meet up with you for an evening of fun. It seems obvious to me that she is interested in you. The issue with her boyfriend complicates things, and she may still feel strongly about him or it might be something she's trying to sort out in her own head. By texting and hanging out with you, it could be a way of deciding what to do, without feeling like she's leading you on or cheating. If you really really like her, as in you could see yourself being exclusive with her, then you might want to be honest with her. Tell her, "I don't want to put pressure on you or make you feel uncomfortable, but I want to be with you. I realize you may not feel the same, but I don't want to look back and wonder if I had passed up something really great." It might sound corny, and you could be taking a risk, but it may be worth it. Another strategy might be to wait a couple of weeks and see if her behavior remains consistent, then go for it. I just wouldn't wait too long. I really wish you luck and hope it works out for you.
Author Nukulus Posted June 5, 2010 Author Posted June 5, 2010 Thanks for taking a stab at it! And 40 isn't old haha! Anyways I really like your advice, but I don't know if I'm ready to drop the whole "I want to be with you".... for the simple reason that I don't know that yet. She is a fantastic girl, and I could see being with her, but right now I would like to do the whole dating thing with her because I don't know her all that well yet. We could be exclusive or whatever it doesn't matter. Anyways I've got some thinking to do it seems. I was considering asking her out again, and just seeing where the conversation goes from there... i.e. if she responds enthusiastically and wants to go and the date goes well then we take it from there. If she doesn't respond well or questions whether it would be a "just friends" thing then I probably have my answer of her just wanting to remain friends no? Anyways thanks so much for your help. I'll probably call her later tonight and I'll update this with what happens.
sagetalk Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 It sounds like she is using you to make her ex jealous. People do this crap all the time in the dating world. Be careful. I'd tell her to tell her ex that it's over if she wants a shot at dating me.
Fight4Me Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 (edited) Thanks for taking a stab at it! And 40 isn't old haha! I appreciate that. I honestly don't think it is either, but after reading some threads here, a more than a few others seem to think it is. LOL Anyways I really like your advice, but I don't know if I'm ready to drop the whole "I want to be with you".... for the simple reason that I don't know that yet. She is a fantastic girl, and I could see being with her, but right now I would like to do the whole dating thing with her because I don't know her all that well yet. We could be exclusive or whatever it doesn't matter. Anyways I've got some thinking to do it seems.Well, the phrase "I want to be with you" can be replaced with whatever is more appropriate and accurate. I was mostly trying to suggest you go for it, but to do it honestly, i.e. to word it in such a way that lets her know you are confident (always a plus) and more than a little interested in her. And by approaching her openly, it shows that you aren't looking to be secretive or pseudo-dating behind her boyfriend's back. I was considering asking her out again, and just seeing where the conversation goes from there... i.e. if she responds enthusiastically and wants to go and the date goes well then we take it from there. If she doesn't respond well or questions whether it would be a "just friends" thing then I probably have my answer of her just wanting to remain friends no?This is my own personal recommendation, but if you can invite her out for coffee before bringing up the subject of another date over the phone, it would be a better opportunity to get a good read on her. If she flat out turns you down, it's not as big of a deal... it's just coffee. If she accepts, you have your foot in the door. Go to a place that has comfortable couches to make it easier to talk personally and for as long (or short) as you'd like. Also make sure it's a place where you're less likely to run into either of your friends who might be inclined to join you guys and ruin my... er... your... plan. LOL By the way, avoid the temptation to go out for a drink since you might second-guess your instincts afterwards. It sounds like she is using you to make her ex jealous. People do this crap all the time in the dating world. Be careful. I'd tell her to tell her ex that it's over if she wants a shot at dating me. Yes, there are a lot of crappy things people do in the dating world, and it makes me glad that I don't have to deal with it these days. It's possible that she is doing this to make her ex jealous, but I don't know that it makes much sense given that her bf has already come back into her life professing his love for her. Assuming everything Nukulus described is accurate, it sounds more like she isn't sure what she wants right now. Anyway, once again, good luck. It will be interesting to see how this plays out. Edited June 6, 2010 by Fight4Me grammar
Author Nukulus Posted June 6, 2010 Author Posted June 6, 2010 Ahhh I kind of wish I would have seen your reply about maybe doing a coffee thing before I had called her... still though an update. I decided to call her last night to ask her out one more time. My Idead was to take her horseback riding near a gorgeous lake about an hour or so from here. I already just took her out to dinner so I wanted to make sure my last attempt at this was more than just ordinary. So I called her and she answered almost immediately. We chatted for a bit, and then I asked her if she had any plans for next saturday. She said she did have tentative plans (bummer), but also asked what I was thinking. Well I asked her if she had ever been to the area in question (beautiful area btw) and she said no. And then I asked her if she had ever been horseback riding and then she said "once but I almost got kicked off and had to ride a donkey the rest of the time." At that point I was just thinking "damn...no luck with this idea." BUT she then said that she wouldn't be oppposed to doing it again. The only snag is her tentative plans (or thats the only snag she mentioned). Her plans involve her and her girlfriends checking out a hotel room in a nearby city for the evening. She isn't for sure whether it's going to happen, or if she is even sure that she'll go if it does. Anyways, she said she'd call/text me today to talk about it more. TBH I'm not really holding out a whole lot of hope for this, but at the same time at least I can say I tried. And she didn't mention her ex, or whether it was just a friends thing. In fact she seemed rather enthused about it, and bummed about her previous plans. Anyways... I'll keep you all posted if there are any more updates.
Fight4Me Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 Well, if the horseback riding (good idea, btw) doesn't work out right away, you can still do the coffee thing. She still sounds interested, simply because she said, "why, what do you have in mind?" It's the little things that give her away.
Author Nukulus Posted June 6, 2010 Author Posted June 6, 2010 I thought it was a good idea too! But we'll see what happens! She said she'll get back at me today, but I get the feeling that she won't and I'll end up contacting her later this week only to get the "Oh, yea I am gonna hang out with my GF's on saturday..." or some variation of that.
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