How can I get over it?

[gullible]

In December 2007 I decided to get a divorce. I waited until February 2008 to tell my W to make sure that I wasn't going to change my mind. When I told her she said that she loved me very much, that I was being completely unfair, that I am imagining things and that I just need to get over it.

 

She claims she was not having an affair, that the OM was just a friend. The final straw was when she said that she'd arrange a meeting between the three of us so that I could see that they were just friends. She supposedly set up several meetings and told me that he had cancelled out each time.

 

She apparently thought that I would forget about it. I was patient for over a month, then finally confronted her about it. It turns out she lied to me and had never contacted him to set up any meetings. She said that she had broken off all contact with him and that she would be embarrassed to call him and ask for a meeting at this point.

 

I think about that a lot. She knew how I felt, yet she didn't want to be embarrassed by calling HIM. What does that tell me?

 

I realize it would be hard for her to live on her salary, and I recognize that what she did was probably not serious enough to warrant a divorce.

 

I was hoping that in time I would get over the way I feel, however I don't seem to be able to. I think about it constantly every day and it is ruining my life. She has never admitted to doing anything wrong and claims she did not.

 

My question is - how do I get over it and get the same feelings for her back that I had before?

[dresden]

This is a very difficult issue, and I don't have any good advice for you. My husband had a year-long affair about 6 years ago now (and the only reason I'm still here is because of kind people on Love Shack). We are still together and he is happy as a clam. The other woman is long gone - in fact, I got her fired from her job and she moved out of state.

 

He loves me and swears it will never happen again, and I believe him. But there are those moments when certain things trigger a feeling...

 

For example they used to run together at the beach. Well, he and our daughter are in training for a marathon in the fall. And the other day he said to her, "I want to go run at the beach."

 

Post-traumatic stress disorder! Wow, did that make me crazy for several days. All the bad memories flooded back. I told him, and now they are training at a gym.

 

I think there will always be a part of me that hates what he did to me. I don't think I'll ever completely forgive him, and I even fantasize about leaving him in 3 years when our daughter graduates.

 

I'm just saying, you're not alone.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Please clarify what you do know, ie what she has admitted to... was this just an EA? PA?

 

She needs to come clean (or at least cleaner), for the two of you to move forward. I think couples counseling, or if she refuses, at least individual counseling, is in order...

[gullible]

Please clarify what you do know, ie what she has admitted to... was this just an EA? PA?

 

As far as I know it was just a EA. She claims it wasn't even an EA, that he's just a friend.

[You Go Girl]

As far as I know it was just a EA. She claims it wasn't even an EA, that he's just a friend.

 

Then why did she lie three times?

I admit it would be awkward to set up a meeting, regardless if it was PA, EA, or just friends, to verify her information.

So why pretend 3 times?

She does have some honesty issues...try marriage counseling. Find out what she really thinks.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

As far as I know it was just a EA. She claims it wasn't even an EA, that he's just a friend.

 

In my opinion, most EA's should be able to be overcome if there is desire on both sides to do so.

 

What are the other concerns and/or issues that led to you wanting a divorce a couple of years back?

[gullible]

In my opinion, most EA's should be able to be overcome if there is desire on both sides to do so.

 

Here's an article from MSN Lifestyle which I believe reflects my thinking that EAs are worse than PAs.

 

Without a doubt, when it comes to cheating, sexual indiscretions are the lesser of the two evils — not because it's necessarily easier to forgive a partner's one-night stand, but because an emotional affair generally means the cheater has already thrown in the towel on your relationship.

 

Take a recent political cheating scandal, for example. When Governor Mark Sanford revealed that he had been cheating on his wife, I was surprised to find that some people had sympathy for him on the grounds that he was in love with his mistress. Now, he says he's going to try falling back in love with his wife (how noble!). I won't be holding my breath.

 

Here's my issue with this claim, whoever makes it — there is no such thing as accidentally getting a little too drunk and carrying on a passionate love affair. There's no emotional cheating equivalent to a one-night stand. It's generally quite a calculated and elaborate production to hide one.

 

That's not to say that physical cheating happens only under those one-night-only inebriated conditions, but purely physically cheating generally does — if you're having a long-term sexual affair or hooking up with a friend who isn't your significant other, chances are that it's either a result of or has resulted in emotional infidelity as well.

 

So the problem isn't that one kind of cheating is more or less forgivable than the other — it's that forgiving and forgetting isn't an option when your partner has emotionally cheated. Your partner doesn't want to be forgiven — they want out. They want out but can't or won't pull the trigger, consciously or subconsciously forcing their partner to be the one who calls it quits.

 

In Governor Sanford's case, neither he nor is wife is doing that — instead she'll try to forgive him for his infidelity while he tries to fall in love with her. I can fathom forgiving and moving past a boyfriend's one-night stand, but I don't know a single couple who has been able to continue dating after an emotional infidelity — especially when, as in the governor's case, the cheater needs to make a concerted effort to fall back in love with his significant other.

 

My W says OM was just a friend. I think she intended to divorce me and run away with him. Unfortunately for her he wouldn't go along with that plan. That's my thinking -- however I have no concrete proof and she says I'm completely wrong and imagining things.

[You Go Girl]

What proof of anything do you have?

The imagination can be a dangerous thing.

[Windsurf66]

Hi Gullible,

 

I fully empathized with you. I do not think you are imagining things. I thought i will just give my opinions on yr posts.

 

After reading through all your posts since 2007, my conclusion is this: your wife probably did not have an affair while married to you, but she was thinking abt it and were in the pre-stages of starting an affair with Jim.

 

Below are paragraphs in bold extracted from your previous threds and my opinions/questions to them:

 

Yr wife: "Here's the thing. I can't meet for drinks because I'm afraid that I'll again become your lover".

Windsurf: She still had feelings for Jim, and an affair with Jim had crossed her mind.

 

(1) “The day she was scheduled to meet him she came into the office dressed like she was going out on a hot date and was planning to get laid afterward.”

(2) “At 4:30 she called me and asked if I wanted to meet her for drinks after work. I said "Sure" and we met. She was dressed very sexy and looked great. I asked how she was able to leave work early. She said "To tell the truth, I took off this afternoon to have a makeover". She had spent $250 for a makeover and new cosmetics.”

Windsurf: These 2 instances of dressing sexy to meet Jim showed that he mattered to her. She had never dressed up for you but had done it for Jim?

 

“The next day she informed me (no discussion) that she was having breast implants. She sent an email to Jim telling him that she enjoyed meeting with him, and that she had made the decision to get implants.”

Windsurf: Why was it so coincidental that she decided to get the boob job after meeting Jim, and why was she discussing abt her boobs with Jim during their meeting?

 

“She had a special yahoo email account that she used only for emailing him.”

Windsurf: This showed 2 things: Jim was indeed special to her, and she was trying to hide the communication.

 

Windsurf: Wife lied a few times when you confronted her abt meeting Jim. First she said she never met him, then she said she scheduled to meet but never met him in the end, then finally she admitted that she met him but just talked.

 

“Her co-worker left about 8. About 8:30 W went to the restroom and was gone for a long time, so I went looking for her. She was sitting at a table outside making a phone call. She hung up as soon as I came up. I asked who she was calling and she said her co-worker to make sure she made it home safely. From the cell phone bill I found out that she was really talking to OM. It was only 4 minutes (probably because I came out and she cut it short). The following Monday she called him again, also for only a few minutes. Apparently when she's had too much to drink she thinks of him.”

Windsurf: Yr wife lied to you again.

 

"What am I thinking! We CAN't meet in September - you're getting MARRIED! It'll have to be August. I just HAVE to work something out, promise. I have to get all my burning questions answered IN PERSON like: What ARE YOU thinking?, Are you OUT OUT OUT of your mind?, plus MANY MANY more. Fine, don't listen to me. You never do and then look what happens. You should have listened to me long ago. FIND SOMEONE COMPATIBLE. Fine, don't listen to me. Three words of advice: POSTPONE, POSTPONE, POSTPONE. Do that and we'll proceed to the next step."

Windsurf: Somehow, reading this from a neutral party's perspective, you might have misinterpreted it. It could mean that she was helping a friend, and was asking Jim to postpone his wedding until she work out the next step in helping him to sort out his feelings.

 

“His response was that they had decided to move it up to the next weekend and that they were leaving on Friday to go out of town to get married. Thursday night she checked her special email account 4 times, but no email from him. The next week she canceled her special email account. That lasted only a few weeks, then she set up another special email account and started emailing him again.”

Windsurf: Why delete the original email account and set up a new one? This behavior was quite strange. Was she upset?

 

“The meeting was supposedly postponed three times. Turns out W probably never talked to OM about the three of us meeting. I let it ride until late January, and then confronted her about it and she said that she severed all contact with him and that she would be embarrassed to call and ask him to meet with us.”

Windsurf: Lied to you again and had played delay tactics in setting up the meeting. If yr marriage to her was important, she would have set up the meeting.

 

“I think about that a lot. She knew how I felt, yet she didn't want to be embarrassed by calling HIM. What does that tell me?”

Windsurf: Yes, your marriage was very close to divorce and yet yr wife is still delaying the meeting.

 

“I finally had the discussion with W last night and told her I wanted a divorce. The conversation went about like I had anticipated. She insisted that she hadn't done anything wrong, that the OM was just a friend and she hadn't told me about meeting him because of her experience with her prior H.”

Windsurf: What prior experience with her ex-H? Did yr wife and her ex divorce partly because of the OM? Why did she divorce her husband? Are u able to contact her ex to find out more abt the divorce, and more importantly, find out more abt her?

 

“She said the only reason that she started communicating with OM was that I wasn't giving her what she needed. She said that I was so self-absorbed in myself that I never thought about anybody else. She said that I didn't act like normal husbands, and that I never tried to make our marriage better.”

Windsurf: Finally. In a way, she had admitted the reason for trying to start an affair, although denying that the affair itself had started. She was in the pre-stages, even if she had not started an affair.

 

(1) “She has described CW as her best friend and says that she is CW's best friend. When I arrived at the bar they had both had quite a bit to drink. They had the top few buttons unbuttoned on their blouses and they were admiring and feeling of each other's boobs.”

(2) “He then went on the say that CW (his girlfriend) was bi-curious. She chimed in "I'm not curious any more." She then said later in the evening that she and W had had sex in the office.”

Windsurf: Although I cannot make any conclusion, my opinion is that there is no smoke without a fire. Something is going on with the unbuttoning of their blouse, the touching and CW’s revealing that she had had sex with yr wife.

 

(1) “She let me know that she would have a very hard time living on her salary. She doesn't have adequate income to refinance and buy my share of the equity in the house, and she said that I'd have to get a court order to get her out. I don't want to have to do that.”

(2) “I feel like she's using me because she would have a hard time living on her salary and I resent it very much.”

Windsurf: Maybe this was her main and real reason for avoiding the divorce. Somehow, i think that if she really loves you like what she professed, she would set you free by agreeing to the divorce if she knows how unhappy you have been, till now.

 

“I don't think the EA is ongoing at this time, however I have no assurance that it won't start up again in the future.”

“Her 'friend' (OM) told her he was getting married in October 2007, and her attitude toward me seemed to change after that”

Windsurf: I think this is the main concern that you have. Altho she did not have an affair, there is no assurance that she will not have one, if there is opportunity in the future. She is probably not 100% loyal to you and you might not be able to count on her when you are very sicked one day. Personally, I would hate it if my wife's attitude changed because her potential new partner is not available anymore, cos it meant that I am not her number 1.

 

If I am in yr shoes, I would weigh the pros and cons of staying married to yr wife. Is she fullfiling yr needs now? Is it costly to divorce? Would you prefer to have a companion (altho not 100% loyal and you do not trust her) than to have no one at all?

 

How abt a trial separation?

 

If I am still young (below 40), with all the above history, I will go for a divorce and start afresh. But at your age of 60plus, I may not if we are fullfiling each others needs in the marriage and she is a good companion to hang out with.

[Darren Steez]

Agree with Wolf 120%. The facts are your wife knows you well and knows how to manipulate you and your love for her for her own ends. You seem like a level headed and rational bloke unfortunately love is an emotion that clouds all reason, because I'm sure you've read everything you've written down and gone bloody hell! Then you look at your wife and all reason goes, despite what's she's done because at the end of it, you're still with her and asking if you should let her go. Unfortunately it seems your good heart may also be your downfall, your wife is clearly selfish and let's put it like this, if the opportunity arose and the conditions were right, i.e rich guy with a nice house, do you think you wouldn't leave yo in a second? She has no respect for you and continued to lie and go behind your back despite you knowing. Unfortunately you will have to be selfish and look at your own needs and what you want in life, Continue with her and the broken trust will forever be an issue because she's adept at lying and covering her tracks, whenever she goes out and stays late, bam the doubts instantly come. It's not easy but be strong and do what's right for you and you alone, she doesn't deserve your consideration and as an adult will have to fend for herself. Good luck.

[gullible]

If I am in yr shoes, I would weigh the pros and cons of staying married to yr wife. Is she fullfiling yr needs now? Is it costly to divorce? Would you prefer to have a companion (altho not 100% loyal and you do not trust her) than to have no one at all?

 

How abt a trial separation?

 

If I am still young (below 40), with all the above history, I will go for a divorce and start afresh. But at your age of 60plus, I may not if we are fullfiling each others needs in the marriage and she is a good companion to hang out with.

 

That's what W told me -- we are too old to get divorced and start over and neither of us wants to spend the rest of our lives alone. I fantasize that she'll find another man and my problems will be solved, however I know it's not going to happen. I don't know if either of us could find someone else if we divorced.

 

She's a decent companion, and we get along OK. Divorce would be expensive for me, because I would have to continue to pay part of the house payment until the value increased to where we could sell it. I agreed to marry her and I feel an obligation.

 

My big problem is that even 3 years later I can't get over it and I let it consume my thoughts. Every night I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it. W says that the problem is that I'm depressed. She's probably right, however I think the depression is because of her. I've seen five therapists, taken several different types of antidepressants and nothing helps. What I need to find is a way to get over it.

 

I can't see how a trial separation would help.

[gullible]

What are the other concerns and/or issues that led to you wanting a divorce a couple of years back?

 

There are lots of other concerns, however they all relate to things that happened years ago and my common sense tells me I should be able to get over them.

 

Here are a few things that still bother me. Many of these concerns were caused by my reading her email that she had sent to other people. I would have never done that because I consider email to be private. However, she started it by reading my email, so I decided turn about was fair play.

 

If I hadn't read these emails I would probably still be happy. I guess the old saying "what you don't know doesn't hurt you" applies.

 

1. We were together about 4 years before we got married and split up 4 times during that time. The last time we split we were apart 9 months and during that time my daughter had moved in with me from out of state to get away from her abusive boyfriend.

 

W (GF at the time) quite often left her email open and one day my daughter invited me to lunch and showed me some emails that W had sent to her daughter telling how lazy my daughter was and how she couldn't stand to be around her.

 

The night before our wedding W told me that she couldn't marry me as long as my daughter was living in the house, that she wouldn't feel like it was her house.

 

I was very upset that she had waited until the night before the wedding to tell me that. What I wanted to do was say "OK, we'll forget the wedding", however I gave in and we agreed to give my daughter 6 months to move out.

 

It was extremely hard for me to tell my daughter this when we got back, but I did and she moved back with her abusive boyfriend. My common sense tells me that she would probably have done this anyhow, but I feel like I really let her down.

 

2. There was an email to her daughter saying that she had known for several months before we got married that she was going to be laid off and that she was really worried about it. Now that she was getting married she didn't have to worry any more.

 

3. One day there was an email to her daughter stating that since we were married she had been going through my documents looking for financial records. She said that she had found an IRA with about $100K, but that "there has to be lots more than that".

 

Several people had told me before I married her that she was marrying me for financial security, however I didn't believe that because I didn't have that much. However, I was probably wrong.

 

4. Before we were married I made a verbal agreement with her that the equity that I had in the house (about $80K) at the time we married would go to my kids, and that any increase in equity after we were married would be ours.

 

She kept complaining about the house, and that it was "mine" and that she wanted a house that was "ours". In order to try to make her happy I had her added to the deed. Shortly after that she sent an email to her daughter telling her that I had added her to the deed and the my children "could kiss their inheritance good by". I was expecting her to honor the verbal commitment that the $80K would go to my kids.

 

5. She got upset with my son who was working in our office and in a very loud voice stated that she couldn't stand being around him, he was lazy, he was a liar and that she didn't even want him to come to our house for Christmas. This was 10 days before Christmas and she wanted me to fire him 10 days before Christmas. He was paid commission only, and it was a power play on her part.

 

Needless to say my relationship with my son and his family has never been the same.

 

6. Since I refused to fire my son she stayed mad at me for nearly a month. In January she sent me an email stating that within a few weeks I would have my old wife back and things would be back to normal. At least it would seem that way on the surface. However deep inside things would never be the same.

 

She was right -- things were never the same from my perspective.

 

These are just a few of the other concerns and/or issues that are bothering me. They are all from several years back, and I realize that I should just be able to get over it, but I don't seem to be able to find a way to do so.

[Windsurf66]

Seemed like she had been plotting for some time to get her hands on yr assets.

 

Getting rid of yr daughter from the house so that it would be easier to convince you to add her name to it. Trying to get yr son fired from yr business so that he wun be able to take over the business. And going through yr financial documents.

 

Now it makes sense why she is avoiding a divorce. If you are gone, yr wife will be able to take over all yr assets legally. Is it possible to remove her name from the house? Maybe its also a good time to make a will to ensure part of yr assets go to yr biological children.

[Windsurf66]

That's what W told me -- we are too old to get divorced and start over and neither of us wants to spend the rest of our lives alone. I fantasize that she'll find another man and my problems will be solved, however I know it's not going to happen. I don't know if either of us could find someone else if we divorced.

 

She's a decent companion, and we get along OK. Divorce would be expensive for me, because I would have to continue to pay part of the house payment until the value increased to where we could sell it. I agreed to marry her and I feel an obligation.

 

My big problem is that even 3 years later I can't get over it and I let it consume my thoughts. Every night I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it. W says that the problem is that I'm depressed. She's probably right, however I think the depression is because of her. I've seen five therapists, taken several different types of antidepressants and nothing helps. What I need to find is a way to get over it.

 

I can't see how a trial separation would help.

 

Correct me if I am wrong, if she finds another man that can financially support her and divorces you, she can still force u to sell the house to return her share of the equity right?

 

Trial separation to see if you can live by yourself and be happy with it.

 

The house was originally yours? If she has not contributed much to the house, are u able to get her out of the house and return her her share of contribution?

[gullible]

Correct me if I am wrong, if she finds another man that can financially support her and divorces you, she can still force u to sell the house to return her share of the equity right?

 

We sold that house and moved to a small town 65 miles away. I thought that would get her away from OM. However, we couldn't make a living there and sold that house and moved back. We missed the rise in the RE prices, but hit the fall. Our current house is now upside down and the $80K equity is now a negative $20K.

[gullible]

Seemed like she had been plotting for some time to get her hands on yr assets.

 

Getting rid of yr daughter from the house so that it would be easier to convince you to add her name to it. Trying to get yr son fired from yr business so that he wun be able to take over the business. And going through yr financial documents.

 

Now it makes sense why she is avoiding a divorce. If you are gone, yr wife will be able to take over all yr assets legally. Is it possible to remove her name from the house? Maybe its also a good time to make a will to ensure part of yr assets go to yr biological children.

 

She would say that this is absolutely not true. She didn't ask me to add her name to the house, I did it voluntarily (of course I did it thinking it would make things better).

 

There are no assets left other than what is joint property.

 

My theory on why she is avoiding divorce is that her income is not adequate to support her. I make 2 1/2 times as much as she does. However she would say that that is absolutely untrue also.

[Windsurf66]

She would say that this is absolutely not true. She didn't ask me to add her name to the house, I did it voluntarily (of course I did it thinking it would make things better).

 

There are no assets left other than what is joint property.

 

My theory on why she is avoiding divorce is that her income is not adequate to support her. I make 2 1/2 times as much as she does. However she would say that that is absolutely untrue also.

 

I guess she did not ask u to add her name but manipulated by saying that the house was "yours" and not "ours". So to resolve it, you would either sell that old house and purchase a new one with joint ownership, or like what you had done, add her name to the house.

 

The part where she said your children "could kiss their inheritance goodbye" was quite obvious what her intentions are.

 

Even if only joint properties are left, she could still get her hands on yr half of the share when you are gone. I agree with yr theory that your salary is providing continuous source of money to her. With a divorce, she loses both the "recurrent funding" as well as 50% of the capital (house, cars etc)

[You Go Girl]

This woman sounds absolutely EVIL.

You can't stay married to evil. Get out, run, fast as you can.

That you could stay married one day to someone who said 'kids can kiss their inheritance goodbye' and had an affair, what are you thinking? You could beat yourself with a hammer and suffer less pain and abuse.

[gullible]

This woman sounds absolutely EVIL.

You can't stay married to evil. Get out, run, fast as you can.

That you could stay married one day to someone who said 'kids can kiss their inheritance goodbye' and had an affair, what are you thinking? You could beat yourself with a hammer and suffer less pain and abuse.

 

I've been told that several times. Why do I have difficulty accepting it? Why do I keep thinking she must have just been joking, that she couldn't have been serious? Why do I keep giving her the benefit of the doubt? Why do I think that it's just me, and that I just need to get over it?

 

I didn't exaggerate or misquote any of the things that I posted, however I might have misinterpreted them.

[Windsurf66]

Since you cant sell the house in the next few years, why not just stay under the same roof with her since u both can get along as companions.

 

I guess since u said that u will be more relieve if she just finds someone else and go away, why not just treat it as she is not married to you anymore and u just live yr life the way u want it.

 

Or if u will really wish to resolve the issue with her exOM, give her an ultimatum, either both of u meet up with the OM, or divorce. With her history of delaying it, dun ask her to arrange for a meeting. Just surprise her one day, and give her the choice of either finding the OM immediately or a divorce. If she refuses to find the OM, then u know there is no hope and u can plan for the divorce in a few years when the house can be sold.

[gullible]

Since you cant sell the house in the next few years, why not just stay under the same roof with her since u both can get along as companions.

 

I guess since u said that u will be more relieve if she just finds someone else and go away, why not just treat it as she is not married to you anymore and u just live yr life the way u want it.

 

That's essentially what we've been doing the last 2 1/2 years, however I think I need to get over the way I feel. I just can't let go. My life is emotionally consumed by it even after 2 1/2 years. It affects my work and everything else.

 

Or if u will really wish to resolve the issue with her exOM, give her an ultimatum, either both of u meet up with the OM, or divorce. With her history of delaying it, dun ask her to arrange for a meeting. Just surprise her one day, and give her the choice of either finding the OM immediately or a divorce. If she refuses to find the OM, then u know there is no hope and u can plan for the divorce in a few years when the house can be sold.

 

Meeting with OM is no longer important to me. I talked to him on the phone. He explained that he and his wife are swingers, that his wife encourages him to be with other women and knew all about the relationship with my wife.

 

However, he assured me that nothing happened between him and my wife and that they were just friends.

 

I believe that W's feelings for him were much stronger than his toward her. I believe that she was considering dumping me for him, while all he wanted was a romp in the hay. He tried to let her down easy by telling her that he was getting married to a woman he had been living with for several years. In reality that was a lie -- he married her 5 years before that.

 

He contacted my wife in March of 2003. She told him she was married so he married his current wife in November of 2003, yet still continued to pursue my wife and never let her know he was married.

[Windsurf66]

What is it exactly that u cant let go? Is it becos yr wife had the intention of leaving you, and altho she did not succeed with her exOM, you are afraid that something similar could happen in future with a new OM or if the exOm divorces and went back to her?

 

I can understand how u feel if this is the case. This feeling that she may leave anytime, that she can betray you anytime, that she might even be plotting something now, will just eat u up inside and caused you to have endless sleepless nights.

 

Since u are tied to the house now and cannot divorce, my advice is, why not be happy instead of miserable. In the meantime, be prepared mentally, and start planning financially for the scenario that she may walk out on you. Dun focus too much on her, focus more on yrself, and go out to make more friends or strengthen current friendships. And start saving more money.

 

In a few years time when you are able to sell the house, you might be clearer by then if you still want to divorce her.

[gullible]

What is it exactly that u cant let go? Is it becos yr wife had the intention of leaving you, and altho she did not succeed with her exOM, you are afraid that something similar could happen in future with a new OM or if the exOm divorces and went back to her?

 

I can understand how u feel if this is the case. This feeling that she may leave anytime, that she can betray you anytime, that she might even be plotting something now, will just eat u up inside and caused you to have endless sleepless nights.

 

When we had a business we had an employee who lied to us. We knew he was lying and it didn't bother me much. However it infuriated her and she said that when someone lies to you they think they're making a fool out of you.

 

What she said stuck with me, and I think about that quite often. I realize that she has lied to me many times, and based on what she said she thinks she has made a fool out of me. That bothers me and I just can't get over that.

 

Prior to my last talk with her in December 2007 I was spying on her computer, so I knew everything that was going on between her and OM. Now she's smart enough to not communicate through her home computer, so I have no way of knowing whether she's still in contact with him or not.

 

So, yes it bothers me not knowing what's going on. It would not bother me if she told me she was leaving me -- that would give me closure and I could move on with my life. I would kick myself for sticking around for this many years, but I could get over that. But not knowing really bothers me.

 

At this point I feel that I would be being unfair to her in divorcing her. I have read other people's posts, and compared to some of them what she has done is trivial. Most people that have responded to my posts would disagree with the way I feel. However, I take my wedding vows seriously, and I need something more in order to justify a divorce to myself.

 

I don't have a clue what would cause me to get over how I feel. I have been to five counselors, taken several different types of anti-depressants and nothing seems to help.

[Windsurf66]

Feel quite sad for you that u are in this dilemma; wanting to take yr vows seriously but feeling very insecure.

 

Altho she is unlikely to use her home PC again, there are other common infidelity signs that u can look out for, e.g. secret phone calls, emotionally distant, lack of sex, stay late at work more, more gals night out, more critical, sudden interest in working out, frequently uncontactable etc. You can also check her phone, and bills for phone & credit card.

 

Do u have a religion? Perhaps u could approach yr religious counsellor for help.

[Richard Friedman]

I've been told that several times. Why do I have difficulty accepting it? Why do I keep thinking she must have just been joking, that she couldn't have been serious? Why do I keep giving her the benefit of the doubt? Why do I think that it's just me, and that I just need to get over it?

 

I didn't exaggerate or misquote any of the things that I posted, however I might have misinterpreted them.

 

First off, you are a fool. Are you so unprincipled and desperate for female companionship that you would betray your own flesh and blood for a woman who came into your life yesterday? The moment she tried to turn you against your own daughter she should've been out on the street like the cheap whore she is. Hell, I won't even insult whores by equating them to her; at least they are honest about their want for money and don't do anyone harm. Seriously, your kids can kiss their inheritance goodbye? She revealed her true colours as clearly as anyone could hope for, and like a simpleton you try to rationalize it to mean something else. It is clear as day that this woman has no attraction to you, no love for you or your family, and she is with you for the lifestyle, but you have worked so hard for your illusion that this woman looooves you that you'll do anything to maintain it, self respect and loyalty to one's children be damned. Now you stand there bleating about how you value your marriage vows, but it's hogwash. Just a facade you use to justify your own insecurity and lack of self esteem about getting another woman. So you value your marriage vows to a certified gold-digger but not loyalty to your daughter who you sent back to her abusive boyfriend huh? You are a sad excuse for a father and a man. All you can do at this point is excise this cancer from your life regardless of cost, apologize to your daughter, and get some counselling for you're self esteem. Find out why you are willing to live in denial and take this abuse. Seriously, start living like a man of principle.