Sari Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 My commitment-phobe ex left me for the second time completely out of the blue 4 weeks ago today, saying he'd "met someone else" initially and then saying a bunch of irrational rubbish about feeling trapped and that he couldn't commit til he was at least 40, the usual commitment-phobe bullsh*t. Anyway, after over 4.5 years together, I really am finding it very hard to cope, we did so much together and he was my best friend as well as my boyfriend. I have known him since I was a teenager and so it's very hard to suddenly have to cut him out of my life (been NC for our entire break-up, apart from two little slips in week 2). I seem to be bearing up ok-ish at work most of the time (sociable office, plenty of work to occupy my thoughts, cute guy to semi-flirt with when not having crying fits or panic attacks in the bathroom!), I enjoy the routine and I think it calms me down. The evenings are hard to struggle through and I spend a lot of time driving around listening to music, as it takes up my concentration and makes me feel in control I guess (I've only been driving a year so it's still a novelty!). However, it's the weekends where I feel I just cannot cope. I just don't know what to do with myself (I know I'm quoting Dusty Springfield!). We used to spend all weekend every weekend together, get a takeaway on Friday night and cuddle up on the sofa, long chats in bed on Saturday mornings, maybe a drive out to the country to get some lunch. To me it was just perfect. I'm 28 and I know that's not so old but I've been going out drinking and dancing and stuff since I was 15 (we start young in London!), and to be honest I'm tired of it. This was exactly what I wanted from my life now, stable relationship, strong partnership, settling down and entering the next 'adult' phase of my life. Suddenly I find myself having to scare up events to fill my weekend. My friends are very kind and I've got the invite of drinks and a party to go to this evening, which is great. I know I should be grateful that people care. But I just feel so low. I'm quite a loner at heart and just don't enjoy big events. I don't want to drink lots. I don't want to socialise at a party with strangers. I just want my old life back. Whenever I go to social events now I feel panicky, and wrong, and I think to myself "You wouldn't even be here if you were still with *****, look what you have to resort to now so you're not sitting at home staring at the walls", because truly I don't really care for regular socialising. Whenever I went out before it was with the cosy knowledge that my ex was waiting at home for me, so I didn't mind, and I would always leave parties/bars earlier than everyone else. My only hobbies (driving, playing piano, reading) are very solitary ones. I'm worried that I'll either turn in to a hermit soon, or just have a life I don't enjoy and feel too old for mentally but have to keep up the charade in order to survive. What to do? I burst into tears at 5pm yesterday as I left my office, and sobbed all the way home. I miss my ex so much and can't stop torturing myself with thoughts of what he's doing at the weekend with this new girl. I'm sure others must've been in the same boat - any advice gratefully received.
This Hurts Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 My commitment-phobe ex left me for the second time completely out of the blue 4 weeks ago today, saying he'd "met someone else" initially and then saying a bunch of irrational rubbish about feeling trapped and that he couldn't commit til he was at least 40, the usual commitment-phobe bullsh*t. Anyway, after over 4.5 years together, I really am finding it very hard to cope, we did so much together and he was my best friend as well as my boyfriend. I have known him since I was a teenager and so it's very hard to suddenly have to cut him out of my life (been NC for our entire break-up, apart from two little slips in week 2). I seem to be bearing up ok-ish at work most of the time (sociable office, plenty of work to occupy my thoughts, cute guy to semi-flirt with when not having crying fits or panic attacks in the bathroom!), I enjoy the routine and I think it calms me down. The evenings are hard to struggle through and I spend a lot of time driving around listening to music, as it takes up my concentration and makes me feel in control I guess (I've only been driving a year so it's still a novelty!). However, it's the weekends where I feel I just cannot cope. I just don't know what to do with myself (I know I'm quoting Dusty Springfield!). We used to spend all weekend every weekend together, get a takeaway on Friday night and cuddle up on the sofa, long chats in bed on Saturday mornings, maybe a drive out to the country to get some lunch. To me it was just perfect. I'm 28 and I know that's not so old but I've been going out drinking and dancing and stuff since I was 15 (we start young in London!), and to be honest I'm tired of it. This was exactly what I wanted from my life now, stable relationship, strong partnership, settling down and entering the next 'adult' phase of my life. Suddenly I find myself having to scare up events to fill my weekend. My friends are very kind and I've got the invite of drinks and a party to go to this evening, which is great. I know I should be grateful that people care. But I just feel so low. I'm quite a loner at heart and just don't enjoy big events. I don't want to drink lots. I don't want to socialise at a party with strangers. I just want my old life back. Whenever I go to social events now I feel panicky, and wrong, and I think to myself "You wouldn't even be here if you were still with *****, look what you have to resort to now so you're not sitting at home staring at the walls", because truly I don't really care for regular socialising. Whenever I went out before it was with the cosy knowledge that my ex was waiting at home for me, so I didn't mind, and I would always leave parties/bars earlier than everyone else. My only hobbies (driving, playing piano, reading) are very solitary ones. I'm worried that I'll either turn in to a hermit soon, or just have a life I don't enjoy and feel too old for mentally but have to keep up the charade in order to survive. What to do? I burst into tears at 5pm yesterday as I left my office, and sobbed all the way home. I miss my ex so much and can't stop torturing myself with thoughts of what he's doing at the weekend with this new girl. I'm sure others must've been in the same boat - any advice gratefully received. I feel we have some things in common personality-wise. Like you, I would go out knowing I would see my ex or at least talk to her once I got home. I'm not the type to care for regular socializing, either. I've always been the type to stay home and just do stuff on my own. However, I still go out and I enjoy it. It gets my mind off things, and I build relationships with people. At first, we usually go out thinking, "Damn, this sucks. I really don't want to be here." I honestly think we think that way because we know it's possible that the ex can come back and you can have the lifestyle you had before. Once you accept the fact that he's not coming back, or at least ANY time soon, you'll start enjoying going out more because you know the old lifestyle is not coming back, and you have to improvise. I don't know if this made any sense lol. I just woke up a while ago, so I apologize. My thoughts are unorganized right now.
Steadfast Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Someday, almost certainly, you will look back at this time with thankfulness. Being freed from a non-productive, one sided or otherwise lacking relationship will allow you to someday enter into a better one, with a better person. Plus, your experiences will make you better able to recognize. For now, take it day by day. Sometimes, hour by hour. Seek close friends to share with and for support and yes, even here. You aren't the only one! Finally, we tend to remember the good times after a breakup, and internally romanticize our ex's. Take off the tear-stained, rose colored glasses and look at it for what it truly was. Not all bad, for sure, but...I'm sure you'll see and remember some things that you're happy not to deal with now.
sugarmomma Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 He broke up with you??? Be glad and fvuck him. You got some good feedback up above. Just take it one day at a time and it will get better.
ishmaiel Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 However, it's the weekends where I feel I just cannot cope. I just don't know what to do with myself (I know I'm quoting Dusty Springfield!). I am there with you. In a very difficult situation, living apart after 10 years of marriage, without knowing what the future will bring for us, I too am dreading weekends. The week gives structure and the weekend underscores how much of my structure was built around being with my wife. Look, it's Saturday and I'm at work, trying to get things done. Normally, would not be doing this, but this is my structure now. Plan your weekends out ahead of time. Put structure in them, just like in the week. Don't have too much down time. If you plan, you won't be so stressed about the possibility of staring at the wall. If you're naturally introverted (as am I), get together with a friend, each day of the weekend. Rent a movie, watch it - even if you've seen it before or maybe don't like it that much. It's excruciating I know. There's no way to make it better. Truly, the only thing you can do is believe me that there is another side. But for now, practically, plan your weekends fully.
worlybear Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 I absolutely agree with all the previous posts. I really feel for you as my experience is very similar and yes,it is incredibly difficult to re-invent your life ,especially if its not through your own choice. I personally find that writing down my feelings in a notebook helps(I keep it by the bed ) and I also try to record my "evenings out" as if I was writing a diary -that way I get to laugh at the painful stuff. Also recording things makes you focus on others- I have been amazed at how many decent people there are around- you just have to step back and listen to their stories from time to time and it helps put your own experiences in perspective. And some times it is better to stay in- there's no law that says you have to go beating yourself up meeting other people when its the last thing on the planet that you want to do- give yourself a break !!! We HAVE to get through this -their is no alternative- and yes it sucks big time!!! Let's hope for positive futures!:bunny:
Author Sari Posted June 6, 2010 Author Posted June 6, 2010 Thanks a lot for all your kind and thoughtful replies. I know I just have to suck it up, and others are going through this too. I guess I'm just a bit envious of dumpees who still enjoy going out and getting trashed with their friends, it would certainly take my mind off things if I still enjoyed it. Instead it just seems to bring home what I've lost all the more. The ideas about structuring the weekend and planning things in advance is a good one, I'm kind of trying to do that. Going out for drinks last night was ok, I got all dressed up and held my head up high, got lots of compliments which was nice. Even managed to chat to a couple of people I didn't know very well which made me feel a bit more confident about going out in general as I have been very shaky about this (I suffer badly with anxiety anyway - lucky me!).
This Hurts Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 Even managed to chat to a couple of people I didn't know very well which made me feel a bit more confident about going out in general as I have been very shaky about this (I suffer badly with anxiety anyway - lucky me!). We're too alike, Sari! You're not alone. Feel free to message me anytime you need some support.
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