When does one become a bunny boiler?

[SadandConfusedWA]

I have always wondered about this. I had a tendency to develop intense crushes on certain individuals that were emotionally unavailable to me. I would have obssesive thoughts about them and would even cry (after I got home) if they ignored me. I would feel depressed/elated depending on my interaction with them that day. However, most of my feelings were internal and I took next to no action to either confess my feelings or go out of my way to be close to them.

 

Sometimes I would find excuses to initiate contact (e-mail or text) but would only keep the convo going if they respond (as in I would never even send 2 texts or e-mails in a row without a response from them).

 

However, the sheer intensity of my feelings given no actual dating relationship could potentially make me a bunny boiler right?

 

Some of the things that are of further evidence that I could be a bunny boiler:

 

I have on occassion called and hang up (blocked my phone id) to see if this person is where they said they would be.

At social functions, I would sometimes join in the group where the object of my affection is and try to insert myself in the conversation

I would sneak occasional glances in the direction of object of affection at social functions and am always ultra aware of where they are and who they are talking to

If they mention a book or a movie that they like, I would sometimes read the said book or see the movie so that I can converse with them about it

 

But how does one really know that they are a bunny boiler vs just a pathetic romantic with dead end crush?

[brainygirl]

1) what's a bunny boiler?

 

2) I will admit to rehashing conversations I've had with guys and looking for something I missed. I tend to (at the moment it happens) miss what was supposed to be flirtatious banter and assume they meant something else or were being stupid to make fun of me. I also tend to think maybe he meant to say one thing but I missed it. (like a guy mentions he'll be going to a party - did he want me to come or was he just talking about his plans for the next couple of days so I knew he couldn't make any with me?)

3) I am terribly socially inept, especially in crowds, so I'd be more likely to simply eaves drop than to try to join the conversations.

4) I may be just as clueless or more so than you are.

[spookie]

I have always wondered about this. I had a tendency to develop intense crushes on certain individuals that were emotionally unavailable to me. I would have obssesive thoughts about them and would even cry (after I got home) if they ignored me. I would feel depressed/elated depending on my interaction with them that day. However, most of my feelings were internal and I took next to no action to either confess my feelings or go out of my way to be close to them.

 

Sometimes I would find excuses to initiate contact (e-mail or text) but would only keep the convo going if they respond (as in I would never even send 2 texts or e-mails in a row without a response from them).

 

However, the sheer intensity of my feelings given no actual dating relationship could potentially make me a bunny boiler right?

 

Some of the things that are of further evidence that I could be a bunny boiler:

 

I have on occassion called and hang up (blocked my phone id) to see if this person is where they said they would be.

At social functions, I would sometimes join in the group where the object of my affection is and try to insert myself in the conversation

I would sneak occasional glances in the direction of object of affection at social functions and am always ultra aware of where they are and who they are talking to

If they mention a book or a movie that they like, I would sometimes read the said book or see the movie so that I can converse with them about it

 

But how does one really know that they are a bunny boiler vs just a pathetic romantic with dead end crush?

 

I think crushes like that (which I am guitly of too) are indicative of some kind of emoitonal/ intimacy problem, but that hardly makes you a bunny boiler.

 

All the "behaiviors" listed with the possible exception of #1 sounds pretty normal to me.

 

I have gone further:

 

"Light" stalking (following an ex around campus)

Logging into ex' email for a solid year after we broke up

Joining boss' gym in hopes of running into him outside work (which subsequently left me so paranoid I actually WOULD run him and he's see through to the crazy that I quickly cancelled my membership)

[SadandConfusedWA]

Yep spookie calling and hanging up is crossing into the crazy. I was very aware of that and only did it couple of times and luckily haven't been tempted again. Lol at joining your boss's gym. I once a year ago briefly considered showing up at the pool where my boss takes his kids over the weekend but decided that I look too fat in a bikini so I didn't.

 

Bunny boiler - stalker comes from the movie Fatal Attraction with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.

[Knittress]

I have a tendency to do this. I think it has something, like someone else said, with intimacy issues - putting up a solid wall of fantasy to keep the scary reality at bay and avoid finding someone available who may rip your heart out (again). I know I tend to be like this for a while after serious mind-screwage or emotional trauma.

Also, in my case, probably some underlying fear of male sexuality as well...

Edited June 5, 2010 by Knittress

[Krytie TV]

OP, I hope you can take this with a grain of salt, but what I see from your posts and from other posts is that you are incredibly insecure to the point where you second guess every thing you do. It seems you would do some incredibly stupid things (sleep in apartment with boss) just to seem like you "go with the flow". I'm honestly not at all surprised about what you describe here.

 

You're actually someone who might benefit from some long-term therapy, and in doing so I would focus on self-image. Your naivete is really going to get you in trouble, possibly very serious, someday.

 

At any rate. Good luck to ya.

[SadandConfusedWA]

OP, I hope you can take this with a grain of salt, but what I see from your posts and from other posts is that you are incredibly insecure to the point where you second guess every thing you do. It seems you would do some incredibly stupid things (sleep in apartment with boss) just to seem like you "go with the flow". I'm honestly not at all surprised about what you describe here.

 

You're actually someone who might benefit from some long-term therapy, and in doing so I would focus on self-image. Your naivete is really going to get you in trouble, possibly very serious, someday.

 

At any rate. Good luck to ya.

 

I will completly agree with this. I wouldn't call myself incredibly naive, just somewhat naive.

 

Also fear of intimacy/ inability to form normal and healthy relationships is an issue.

 

I have been considering therapy for a while now, it's just so hard finding a good therapist that it has put me off trying to find one.

[shadowplay]

Haha, I have y'all beat. I think I've gotten a lot better from when I was 19, though. For one thing I no longer engage in magical thinking to the same degree...and I rarely get super intense, obsessive crushes anymore. I'm more likely to pine over somebody I was actually with. I still sometimes get crushes, but they're not obsessive.

 

In high school:

 

Every day after school sitting at a bench outside the library for a few hours across the street where he sometimes hung out, hoping I would catch a glimpse of him.

 

Looking up another crush's address in the phone book (this was before google was big), then making a point of walking by his house every day after school on the way home, as the song "On the Street Where You Live" from My Fair Lady played in my head.

 

 

Freshman/sophomore year of college:

 

Obsessive hours on google trying to dig up any info on a crush I hadn't spoken to in a year, including reading every single article he ever wrote for the school newspaper that was online (50+).

 

Google stalking said crush's ex girlfriend, parents, siblings.

 

Lying in bed bawling and then being depressed for weeks+ when he didn't respond to my last email to him.

 

Wishing on every star, eyelash, and birthday candle that we would someday be together.

 

Recently:

A few months ago logging into my ex-ex's OKcupid account and reading his inbox. (I figured out his password. I"d make a good detective.)

 

Stopping by my ex's house unannounced the morning after he dumped me when he wouldn't answer my calls and knocking on the door of his room (the front door was always open).

Edited June 6, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

I don't know if this is also a bunny boiler trait, but I have a like photographic memory for anything anyone I like or been involved with has ever said to me in a conversation or done in an interaction. This becomes useful in arguments because I can pull out a quote at any time when somebody contradicts themselves. I'm also hyper attuned to logical fallacies in their arguments. It becomes kind of obsessive and unhealthy, though. There isn't an argument I can't win, and they're left feeling annoyed and one-upped whenever I demolish their arguments. Several boyfriends have told me I'd make a great lawyer. Seriously, though....I should apply it to more useful things because it's really, really bad in relationships.

Edited June 6, 2010 by shadowplay

[alphamale]

no you're not a bb SaCWA

[shadowplay]

SaCW, I just thought of one thing that broke the spell for me. It was for the first time actually being with somebody I had previously been infatuated with from afar (my ex), and realizing that he was entirely different in negative ways from how I imagined him to be. Before I was with him I knew intellectually that I was living in fantasy with crushes, but emotionally still held onto the belief that we were meant to be together and they were as I saw them. Now I've really disowned that belief on an emotional level.

 

Even though you may not have had the experience of being with somebody you put on a pedestal from afar (or have you?), I hope you can learn from my example. Believe me when I say that the person you think they are isn't who they actually are...and you would be totally disillusioned if you actually became intimate with them.

 

I can already hear you thinking, "but I do know who they are warts and all and I love them for their warts." Doesn't matter. I thought the same way but I was wrong.

 

You may think you know them, but you really don't until you've actually been intimate with them. Consider this, if you were with them you'd discover who they are isn't just more flawed than that image, but it's also entirely different. It's like a totally different flavor, one you probably won't like because it's not what you fell in love with or expected. All of their little behaviors you fell for that seemed explained by the impression of them that you had before, now make sense in entirely different way. Those behaviors now add up to a different person that you never saw, and suddenly fit together even better than they did before. You'll end up having an "ah ha" moment: "Oh, that's why they do this and this. I thought it was because they were like this, but it's really because of they're like this."

 

I thought that because I'm good at understanding psychology, my impressions of others were dead on without fail. That was a mixture of immaturity and stubbornness. I've discovered I know very little, particularly when it comes to understanding love interests. My mind often plays tricks on me and sees what it wants to.

 

Hope that makes some sense.

Edited June 6, 2010 by shadowplay

[harmfulsweetz]

shadowplay is dead on correct. Hit the nail on the head. I'm a self confessed obsessive stalkery type, and I've had a similar experience. I fantasized about a guy...i.e. stared at him non stop, found about him from friends, etc etc, found reasons for him to notice me, and when I finally hooked after around 8 months of trying and dreaming, I realized he just wasn't the person I created. It's not like he ever pretended to be something he wasn't, but in my head, I created a whole new him, a guy that fit what I sought at that time, so much so, I overlooked major flaws in his character. When you spend so long building them up from afar, it's tricky to see past the image you've built to the true them. It's not their fault really when they turn into let-downs.

 

I wouldn't classify you as a bunny boiler, I do and have done all of those things in your list. I find myself relatively non-bunny boiler, I don't think I'd boil a bunny maybe his d!ck should he ever cross me,but not a bunny.

 

Stare at them non stop when I can.

 

Try and find ways to be where they are at the exact time, be depressed if I miss them or they aren't there. It can put me in a bad mood for the day.

 

Find out name, search on facebook, and google, and bebo. Occasionally, find a photograph on their profile, save it to my computer and put it as my desktop background. Now that is stalking. :eek:

 

If I have their number, text random 'forwarded' jokes, just to them, not to anyone else, simply to see that I texted them.

 

Dream up ways we can be together feasibly, romantically, oddly, then imagine all the ways it could go wrong.

 

:bunny:Eavesdrop on conversations they have with others.

 

If they write on the 'walls' of people on their FB, comment photos or whatever, I check them out too. I have been known to lurk on the object of my affection's profiles several times a day, sometimes even (and I'm terribly ashamed and embarrassed to say I did this) scrolling through their profile up to the point of their joining, and going through posts and such. God, I think I need serious help. But I've only done it the once.

 

Keep up with who they talk to, and where they are. Guy I'm liking right now is at work, I think I have it down pat the people he talks to without saying very many words to him myself

 

I'd like to say that's an exhaustive list right there, but there's always many many more things I do/have done. Yes, I've also been known to do the phone/hang up maneuver, right now a favorite of mine is when he's away and everyone else is too, (from work I mean) read whatever he's scrawled over paper, :o:bunny::eek:

 

It's all getting a bit fatal attraction now, isn't it? It's not unhealthy, I have absolutely no intentions of harming anyone, so totally harmless, until somebody gets hurt....

 

I'm the first to admit it, I have intimacy/stability issues. I am socially inept, awkward, and slightly obsessive. If I say the wrong thing, I'll obsess over it for days, if the object of my affection says something to me, I'll obsess over that for weeks. I'd like to think it's a phase, but it's gone on so long it can't be a phase. It's slightly mentally unstable, being so socially inadequate, yet so adept at keeping up with a person's life whom I never talk to. Maybe it's my mind's way of telling me it's better this way, but it's not. I fear rejection, so I don't do anything to make me get rejected, which is as unhealthy as going all out after someone completely wrong. It's asking to be hurt and disappointed by default, the same way those people are by actively pursuing those out of their reach.

[SarahRose]

I think most of my things were done when I was a teenager. Show up at the same places he was making excuses to see him etc.

 

I pined for this guy in a way for maybe 10 years in a what if kind of way. I had moved on and was happy with my life but occasionally had this what if in the back of my mind.

 

I did end up seeing him after 10 years and went to lunch with him and I realized what a horrible person he really was. It broke the spell once and for all!

 

Like someone else said the obsession usually has to do with fantasy more than anything real.

[Ariadne]

I will completly agree with this.

 

This is not right.. I don't think you are insecure and second guess yourself.

 

I see that you ask people things at times just to make conversation and then do whatever you want.

 

And you are a bit paranoid and imagine all sorts of stuff.

[Ariadne]

(Btw, I don't know anything about bb).

[donnamaybe]

(Btw, I don't know anything about bb).

 

Are you sure? Didn't you stalk DG and watch him through binoculars from a block away from his house?

[SadandConfusedWA]

Wow, I completly forgot about my bunny boiler thread.

 

Shadowplay, your posts are EXACTLY right and you seem to have gone through everything I have/am going through. The only tricky part for me is that when I have hooked up with guys I admired from afar (and usually I did at least get a make out session) and when I DID see that they are not what I imagined, it would certainly break the spell with that particular guy. However, soon enough I would find myself going through exactly the same emotions with another guy. I pretty much don't remember any periods of my life since I was 15 or so that I didn't pine after someone I couldn't have.

 

Intellectually, I understand how dead-end that is, but emotionally it's not sinking in. I DO think that as I get older those crushes get less intense. I haven't been pining over anyone in the last year or so.

 

I developed a good friendship with a married guy at work (not my boss) and his wife. I was really worried at first because this guy and I have so much in common, easy conversation and he is pretty cute. I thought that he is going to be my next unrequited love. However, for some reason, I haven't developed a crush on him at all. It's like after we talk, I go away and don't give him or what we talked about a second thought. I am not fantasizing, pining or longing at all. I don't even find that I am in the least bit hurt when he is busy with work and doesn't talk to me as usual. MAYBE I have finally grown past unrequited love stuff? I really like his wife too.

 

On a side note I also seemed to have photographic memory for people I am strongly interested in. It kind of sucks because I instantly detect even the slightest inconsitencies, slightest shift in their mood and get hurt by it. I also THOUGHT that I am extremly intuaitive and can read people well and have since discovered that lots of my own assumptions are in fact wrong. The more emotionally involved I am with someone, the more skewed my perception gets.

 

I think that I am finally ready for something real.

[shadowplay]

I developed a good friendship with a married guy at work (not my boss) and his wife. I was really worried at first because this guy and I have so much in common, easy conversation and he is pretty cute. I thought that he is going to be my next unrequited love. However, for some reason, I haven't developed a crush on him at all. It's like after we talk, I go away and don't give him or what we talked about a second thought. I am not fantasizing, pining or longing at all. I don't even find that I am in the least bit hurt when he is busy with work and doesn't talk to me as usual. MAYBE I have finally grown past unrequited love stuff? I really like his wife too.

 

 

It sounds like you are probably growing past it. What you wrote here is how I now feel when I notice a cute/interesting guy with whom in the past I would have developed an unhealthy obsession. I haven't had a super intense crush in about two years, and that was on the guy I'd already had strong feelings for since I was 18.

 

Not counting him it's been almost three years, when I was briefly obsessed with my ex-ex's friend (and that fizzled pretty fast after we hooked up). At this point I barely even develop crushes at all. I'll feel attracted to a guy, and I may even do a quick google search on him, but that's as far as it ever goes. I don't feel an emotional hook, and it's like I'm observing their attractiveness in a totally detached way.

 

I think part of it is that I now see the potential problems/flaws in guys I'm attracted to from the get-go. I think to myself, "he probably has his own issues, and there's a good chance he wouldn't treat me well." Maybe that's cynical, but I think it's closer to the reality than how I viewed crushes in the past. Ha, I keep thinking of "Both Sides Now" as I write this, and how it relates to my shifting views on people and the world. Maybe one day I'll be able to see something more balanced.

 

I no longer get my hopes up or scheme ways to get them to like me/hook up with me.

 

It's weird because this all changed on its own without any effort on my part. I always thought major changes like that took effort, but I guess after enough years of repeating the same mistakes your heart learns on its own.

Edited June 10, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

Btw, I just wanted to add that I do think you are ready SACW, and I have noticed a change in you. You seem more mature in your posts than you once did. And I do believe you'll find the right guy eventually. It might just take more time for people like us. But don't lose hope.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Btw, I just wanted to add that I do think you are ready SACW, and I have noticed a change in you. You seem more mature in your posts than you once did. And I do believe you'll find the right guy eventually. It might just take more time for people like us. But don't lose hope.

 

Thanks Shadow, that means a lot coming from someone as intelligent as you

[SadandConfusedWA]

P.S. "Both Sides Now" is on permanent rotation now at home and on my iPhone

[SadandConfusedWA]

Are you sure? Didn't you stalk DG and watch him through binoculars from a block away from his house?

 

Ariadne would still never boil a bunny

[shadowplay]

Thanks Shadow, that means a lot coming from someone as intelligent as you

 

Thanks.

 

-------

[paddington bear]

I watched a documentary about love and how close the chemicals released in your body bring you to a form of madness. And they interviewed all these (now embarrassed) women who had done crazy stuff due to being scorned by the man they were in love with or whatever. So bear in mind, some of it is chemical-based.

 

Before facbook took over I remember stalking someone on Myspace and feeling so jealous and furious when I saw other girls leaving comments on there (I now try so hard not to look at these things when I like a guy, brings up my horrible insecure, jealous side - I mean there are lots of male friends and relatives on my facebook page, so if some guy was getting jealous and insecure over that I'd think him an idiot)

 

I know a perfectly rational woman who runs her own business telling me about how she used to persistantly drive past some guy's house after he dumped her.

 

I have used Google maps to look at someone's house from above!!!

 

I used to sit on my front step and smoke endless cigarettes in the hope that my neighbour's incredibly good looking Canadian son would come and join me (he did on many occassions, numbers were exchanged, possibility of something happening and then, as so often happens with me, nada. I suspect he had a girlfriend already).

 

I have turned up at places where you know the guy might be - but unless you totally overdo this, I think well, why not up your chances of something happening? It's when it appears that nothing is happening and you still keep appearing "Hi! It's meeeeee, I'm here again!!!" that turns into bunny boiler territory.

 

I used to do the suddenly gaining an interest in theatre/football/hiking/whatever, so I could talk to the guy about it. Now I don't bother, if he likes football and I don't, well then so be it.

 

All in all, I think this kind of behaviour from women is usually when you are feeling insecure, not confident enough about your own attractiveness and meeting men, or feeling battered down after being rejected/dumped by someone you liked and so you lurk in the shadows trying to find out more about the guy you like or pining over the one you lost. You appear at a function where he'll be and make sure he sees you. A secure woman would think "I'm hot and fabulous, we've met a few times now and I've shown him I'm interested, he's not done anything, I'm walking away now" instead of obsessing.

 

I don't really like having crushes on people, it's nice at the start, but then when it doesn't go anywhere it just gets frustrating - which is why you resort of googling etc, just to feel like something is happening, to gain some knowledge of that other person.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Looks like there is a few bunny boilers lite around, at least I am not alone