The Making of A Bunny Boiler

[califnan]

Correction...we could not have lived without our faith

 

------------------

 

Absolutely, Pure.

[ADF]

I think whoever said ramotic love was selfish while familial and platonic love were altruistic is dead wrong. All relationships are based on a certain degree of reciprocity. Others do for you, and you do for them in turn. No relationship is wholly altruistic.

 

So-called "bunny boilers" are mentally unstable people who feel they've given far too much and recieved far too little.

[Ariadne]

Did the MP turn the OP into a mad person? Or is that simply the mindset that was always lurking inside the OP to begin with?

 

Yes, that mindset was lurking inside all along, and there were clues all along.

[Fieldsofgold]

OK, how do we interpret this one? The bunny deserved to die and we did not trust God to see to it?

 

EXACTLY!!!!! I laughed out loud at this one. And truthfully, I have been there before! Knew the guy desperately deserved something, and afraid I wouldn't get to see him reap his just rewards!

 

When I found out my bf was married & had OW, when the kids presented me with the evidence and took me to his house, I have to admit, I went ballistic. I was so angry at the deception, that I was tricked into something that totally violated my standards, I can't even say how furious I was. However, I don't think ranting and raving and telling him off equates with bunny boiling.

 

However, after the kids told his W & OW, they turned bunny boiler. Especially the OW. They called me, texted me, harassed me, the OW told the W he was living with me (he'd never even been in my home!) OW told W all kinds of lies to stir up W against me. OW tried to find where I lived. No telling what she would have done. But then, she'd followed this guy around for 10 years.

 

I think watching a person's house, watching their spouse, might be early stage BB, or it might just be unhealthy curiosity. It might be just trying to come to terms with the situation. Same with internet searching & info gathering. I think bunny boiling involves vicious action. I don't know what I think about someone outing their own affair. Mostly I think it is sour grapes.

[White Flower]

It was said in another thread that love in romantic relationships is a selfish love. That it is not alturistic love like that for family members and friends, but about how the partner makes you feel.

 

I can agree with this to a point, like I did in the other thread.

 

My reason for starting this thread was formed after reading a review on an Infidelity book written by a man that admitted he was the WS. He said that "the other person can and will turn on you if you don't do as they say". And his particular OW turned Bunny Boiler on him by outing the A at his home to his W and family (and probably even neighbors if they are nosey like that).

 

I put these two thoughts together to ask, what makes one turn into the dreaded "Bunny Boiler". Is it that selfish love not being returned in the way that it was before from the object that was making them feel good? Did the MP turn the OP into a mad person? Or is that simply the mindset that was always lurking inside the OP to begin with?

 

Personally, I think the last option is more likely - even with the manipulative MM. I've dated some guys that liked to use the mind****, but I walked away without turning stalker/boilerish on them. They just weren't worth it.

 

(I've quoted a poster that I frequently don't agree with, but I am in no way insinuating that I think she is about to go bunny boiler. I just used her words/ideas.

 

I also should add that I have no idea of where this thread actually fits forum-wise. I don't want to offend by my choice to place it here.)

I think it's a pretty good question actually!

 

I would agree that the Bunny Boiler has the mindset already. She is predisposed to being one at the outset. MM had a couple of those and he did a lot of azz kissing (my words and interpretation, not his) to prevent major D-days.

 

I am obviously not predisposed to being a Bunny Boiler. I have so much evidence that could destroy this man but it is my love for him (must be partially altruistic? and definetly protective) that causes me to never be that selfish even though I agree that my love for him can be a selfish love. I believe I do get something out of our R (which makes me selfish, right? as in anyone who receives love) but I also give a lot which makes me selfless. I believe it is balanced.

 

Ruining him to gain him doesn't do it for me. Ruining his W, because certainly it would, wouldn't bring me pleasure either. I could probably end their M today with all the evidence I have but doing it that way just wouldn't satisfy me. And that isn't love to me.

 

I actually labeled one of them as Bunny Boiler in his email account for a period. It made me chuckle. Had he ever emailed her she would have seen the title come in that way! But I knew he wouldn't email her unless he had to and unless he told me first and then I would have told him to change it. But it was funny. Does that make me a Bunny Boiler? Naw, it's all in the past now and buried.

 

But she did email to threaten to bring a bundle of items to leave on his doorstep and it did make him a little nervous for a long time. Those items would have revealed that the last 20ish years were all a lie resulting in a double betrayal for his W.

 

She finally got over it though and ended her Bunny Boiler ways. I'm sure she is in a better place now.

[delirious]

 

There is nothing more BB of this than looking at Facebook accounts which can be just curiousity. Sometimes you have gut feelings and want proof that MM/WS are telling the truth as the relationship for all sides has elements of deceit, you know that your MM/MW/WS can lie. Everyone is capable of small BB behaviour, it just takes your SO to push you to those extremes. People on here talk about PIs, keyloggers, no different from waiting outside someone's house for confirmation of what you have been told. We can all say other's behaviour is BB behaviour on all sides.

 

I think true BB behaviour is a vicious act or destructive, as in boiling someone's bunny, not actually checking up on them, but that is my opinion otherwise I too could be a BB:bunny:

 

I have read on here a few times of APs of MM or MW in long term romantic relationships who were waiting for them to move in, run away with them and then suddenly hear nothing, no explanation, just silence. That person deserves whatever the OW/OM does to them in my mind. That kind of behaviour can trigger off some crazy emotions. And I am sure most BS could do some damage on discovering an A. Also, when someone is murdered the first place the police look is close to home. Tells you something?

[califnan]

There is nothing more BB of this than looking at Facebook accounts which can be just curiousity. Sometimes you have gut feelings and want proof that MM/WS are telling the truth as the relationship for all sides has elements of deceit, you know that your MM/MW/WS can lie. Everyone is capable of small BB behaviour, it just takes your SO to push you to those extremes. People on here talk about PIs, keyloggers, no different from waiting outside someone's house for confirmation of what you have been told. We can all say other's behaviour is BB behaviour on all sides.

 

I think true BB behaviour is a vicious act or destructive, as in boiling someone's bunny, not actually checking up on them, but that is my opinion otherwise I too could be a BB:bunny:

 

I have read on here a few times of APs of MM or MW in long term romantic relationships who were waiting for them to move in, run away with them and then suddenly hear nothing, no explanation, just silence. That person deserves whatever the OW/OM does to them in my mind. That kind of behaviour can trigger off some crazy emotions. And I am sure most BS could do some damage on discovering an A. Also, when someone is murdered the first place the police look is close to home. Tells you something?

 

--------------------

 

Delirious .. If you are saying that a confused OW is entitled to look for clues as to why she was thrown under the bus .. - I'm in agreement .. And also I think some of the outrage has been dramatized.

[Myowntwofeet]

Looking back now, I was emotionally destroyed and did not handle it well. The lies, the confusion, the abondoment ( which trigger much larger childhood memories) was just too much.

 

I dealt with it the only way I could.... rant, rant, rant via email.... I dug and I am not proud of it. When we recovered that and I worked hard to do the heavy lifting the second time, to leave us properly and he yet again should disrespect, I lost it. Maybe even more so than the first time because I felt responsible for believing it would be different.. so my reaction was not just angry toward myself - but to him as well.

 

Now, funny enough.... I still expect him to show courtesy and respect - from a far distance BUT I know longer expect it. When I emailed his wife, I was clear - I was making a choice not to accept his behaviour - she could do the same.

 

I still want to throw the towel in ( and have yet again laid it out politely as positively as possible) but I won't allow him back.

 

Why? A third dissapointment would destroy me.

 

So I was never a "bunny boiler" per say... really haven't even obsessed on his FB or anything like that. But my problem is - when I have something to say - I need to say it to the person because writing it or telling others is not the same.

 

And... maybe not popular - but he helped create this mess, I didn't do it alone and I am entitled to share my "thoughts" with that person.

 

blah blah blah... lol, what I was going to say

 

I was ( am) usually a very logical, loving person but this brought out the very worst of me and there were many times I thought I was going crazy, didn't know who I was looking at.

 

I think in many ways, dependendant on how you are predisposed ( emotional, distant, etc) will play a very large part of that.

 

I ADORE this quote by Marilyn Monroe

 

"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

-Marilyn Monroe

:bunny:

[delirious]

Absolutely, you can seek answers to what has happened. Why the hell shoudn't you? No one should ignore anyone - MM WS OW anyone, that is what I believe. They should close the door personally, not expect silence to do that. You have to have answers. NEVER just walk away from your mess, you should deal with it and be made to deal with it. If you don't you cause so much more pain everywhere. If you hurt someone badly, no matter what their state of mind is at the time, you have to deal with it yourself. You may have to say the same things several times, but you HAVE to deal with the mess personally, not through someone else or silence. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour and NOONE should just walk away no matter what. What cowards/pigs behave like this? This is what causes BB behaviour. It is cowards who don't sort their own mess out.

[MizzBlue72]

I think that bunny boilers are created by focusing all your energy on that forbidden OM / OW.

Let's face it - the MM/MW never thinks of the OW/OM as much as the OW/OM thinks of the MM/MW.

 

It makes you crazy - when you put everything into something. I think sometimes the single A partner may lose themselves in the fantasy life - and when this stops working and they have to face reality - WHAM - bunny boiler.

[torranceshipman]

It was said in another thread that love in romantic relationships is a selfish love. That it is not alturistic love like that for family members and friends, but about how the partner makes you feel.

 

I can agree with this to a point, like I did in the other thread.

 

My reason for starting this thread was formed after reading a review on an Infidelity book written by a man that admitted he was the WS. He said that "the other person can and will turn on you if you don't do as they say". And his particular OW turned Bunny Boiler on him by outing the A at his home to his W and family (and probably even neighbors if they are nosey like that).

 

I put these two thoughts together to ask, what makes one turn into the dreaded "Bunny Boiler". Is it that selfish love not being returned in the way that it was before from the object that was making them feel good? Did the MP turn the OP into a mad person? Or is that simply the mindset that was always lurking inside the OP to begin with?

 

Personally, I think the last option is more likely - even with the manipulative MM. I've dated some guys that liked to use the mind****, but I walked away without turning stalker/boilerish on them. They just weren't worth it.

 

(I've quoted a poster that I frequently don't agree with, but I am in no way insinuating that I think she is about to go bunny boiler. I just used her words/ideas.

 

I also should add that I have no idea of where this thread actually fits forum-wise. I don't want to offend by my choice to place it here.)

 

Many of the OW (exOW) who lose it a bit were probably just relatively normal people that were just pushed until they snapped by the relentless lying and gaslighting of the idiot MM. I think that is partly human nature. We've seen regulars on here who end up on med's, depressed, in counselling...the A is doing that to them as they are in an abusive R. PLUS some BS's deserve the truth - and I think that some OW who were manipulated into the A probably hate lying to the BS and hate being complicit in the lies she is told, and when she realizes the MM was lying about leaving, it means the lying will go on for the BS forever, and she wants to do the right thing and just tell her the truth. Someone needs to!

 

But yea some are bunny boilers - there's another crazy thread on this board right now about some guy that wants to send out sex tapes of his former AP or something - that is all a bit mad.

[torranceshipman]

'No. After a failed relationship - the betrayed partner who tries to get reprisal or the last word - is showing lack of faith in God, for their future.'

 

That doesn't make sense. The greatest gift God has ever given any of us is free will. Choosing to exercise our free will - even in a stupid way - is using a gift that God gave us. How on earth is making a dumb decision showing a lack of faith in God? Unless I am missing something, God didn't intend on making all of us perfect. As far as I know we are human and should be humble and realize that we are incapable of always being right and doing the right thing. We can try but often we will fail. When we fail we should learn from it. And throughout that whole process there is no reason why we would want to veer further away from our faith.

[fooled once]

I dealt with it the only way I could.... rant, rant, rant via email.... Maybe even more so than the first time because I felt responsible for believing it would be different.. so my reaction was not just angry toward myself - but to him as well.

 

I was ( am) usually a very logical, loving person but this brought out the very worst of me and there were many times I thought I was going crazy, didn't know who I was looking at.

 

I can relate to this. Back in the time of the A I was in, cell phones (texting) weren't part of technology so it made communication more difficult than today. I wanted to say my peace, but it was very hard as I was at his mercy for calling. I fell for the "gimme more time", "please be a little more patient", " it is you I want to be with" , blah blah blah.

 

For me, I am glad I didn't waste anymore time 'waiting' ....

 

I remember being crazy with anger, crazy with thoughts and just wanted, as you said, some respect. Gosh, I am so glad I don't have to live that type of life anymore.

[wheelwright]

It was said in another thread that love in romantic relationships is a selfish love. That it is not alturistic love like that for family members and friends, but about how the partner makes you feel.

 

I can agree with this to a point, like I did in the other thread.

 

My reason for starting this thread was formed after reading a review on an Infidelity book written by a man that admitted he was the WS. He said that "the other person can and will turn on you if you don't do as they say". And his particular OW turned Bunny Boiler on him by outing the A at his home to his W and family (and probably even neighbors if they are nosey like that).

 

I put these two thoughts together to ask, what makes one turn into the dreaded "Bunny Boiler". Is it that selfish love not being returned in the way that it was before from the object that was making them feel good? Did the MP turn the OP into a mad person? Or is that simply the mindset that was always lurking inside the OP to begin with?

 

Personally, I think the last option is more likely - even with the manipulative MM. I've dated some guys that liked to use the mind****, but I walked away without turning stalker/boilerish on them. They just weren't worth it.

 

(I've quoted a poster that I frequently don't agree with, but I am in no way insinuating that I think she is about to go bunny boiler. I just used her words/ideas.

 

I also should add that I have no idea of where this thread actually fits forum-wise. I don't want to offend by my choice to place it here.)

 

I spent a long time caring more about ny XMOM than I cared about myself. Someone said it's a measure of love if you put them above you.

 

I cared about his M more than I cared about myself.

 

And now that's finally not true. Really, why should I?

 

I won't deny I have a small nasty thing inside me that wishes him ill, but I overcome that everyday. I have to face the fact he never loved me. On the whole, I wish him well.

[califnan]

'No. After a failed relationship - the betrayed partner who tries to get reprisal or the last word - is showing lack of faith in God, for their future.'

 

That doesn't make sense. The greatest gift God has ever given any of us is free will. Choosing to exercise our free will - even in a stupid way - is using a gift that God gave us. How on earth is making a dumb decision showing a lack of faith in God? Unless I am missing something, God didn't intend on making all of us perfect. As far as I know we are human and should be humble and realize that we are incapable of always being right and doing the right thing. We can try but often we will fail. When we fail we should learn from it. And throughout that whole process there is no reason why we would want to veer further away from our faith.

 

---------------------

 

Torrance, It is one thing when people have been wronged - and in their anguish, wish to seek answers..

 

But the ones I have considered as the true "bunny boilers" would be Glenn Close's part in Fatal Attraction - and also Betty Broderick. Both women in the face of betrayal sought to murder.

 

I believe this murder is lack of faith in God - for their future.

[torranceshipman]

---------------------

 

Torrance, It is one thing when people have been wronged - and in their anguish, wish to seek answers..

 

But the ones I have considered as the true "bunny boilers" would be Glenn Close's part in Fatal Attraction - and also Betty Broderick. Both women in the face of betrayal sought to murder.

 

I believe this murder is lack of faith in God - for their future.

 

Yes I would agree with that...but I don't see how that translates to lack of faith in God? Many major criminals use religion as an excuse for what they do, we have all those terrible problems of evil sexual abuse in the church by men who claim to give their lives to God, etc, etc. So these people do nasty, nasty things while all the time claiming to (and really believing that they have) have great faith. I think it is more likely that these women/men are just unhinged (either temporarily or permanently) or generally mad/evil!

[Ms. Red]

Yes I would agree with that...but I don't see how that translates to lack of faith in God? Many major criminals use religion as an excuse for what they do, we have all those terrible problems of evil sexual abuse in the church by men who claim to give their lives to God, etc, etc. So these people do nasty, nasty things while all the time claiming to (and really believing that they have) have great faith. I think it is more likely that these women/men are just unhinged (either temporarily or permanently) or generally mad/evil!

 

Brainwashed is a word that comes to me. Heh.

 

Humans use religion to justify or explain anything.

[BB07]

Since this thread is about bunny boilers.......I have a question.

 

How do you deal with one? This one hasn't crossed the line of doing anything illegal per say....yet. Suggestions?

[Fieldsofgold]

Since this thread is about bunny boilers.......I have a question.

 

How do you deal with one? This one hasn't crossed the line of doing anything illegal per say....yet. Suggestions?

 

"The Gift of Fear," a book about dealing with that sort of people, recommends no response at all. Says it will escalate te situation. I would, however, document EVERYTHING. date, time, details.

[BB07]

"The Gift of Fear," a book about dealing with that sort of people, recommends no response at all. Says it will escalate te situation. I would, however, document EVERYTHING. date, time, details.

 

 

Thanks! I'll check out the book.

[Spark1111]

I think some degree of curiosity is normal following an emotional trauma of any kind.

 

Whether it is the BS learning of an OW/OM in a spouse's affair, to an OW/OM being unceremoniosly thrown under a bus by the MM/MW.

 

We've both been gaslighted and are trying to make sense of a surreal situation.

 

For the BS, it is learning for the first time that someone has replaced you in the affections and attentions of your spouse. You are furiously curious to know more about "their partner in crime."

 

For the OW/OM, the spouse has been minimized, or non-existant, in your affair relationship, but now your AP has returned to the marriage and you must be curious as to why? If they were so unhappy, WTH?

 

But bunny boileing, IMHO, speaks to either a mental instability that existed within one person of the triangle to begin with, or develops after DDAY, when the pain of loss is too great, or the desire to recreate what one no longer can have.

 

People can snap after affairs. It all depends on who they aim their shotgun at, who they cast the blame towards that usually determines whose bunny gets boiled.

[NoIDidn't]

Since this thread is about bunny boilers.......I have a question.

 

How do you deal with one? This one hasn't crossed the line of doing anything illegal per say....yet. Suggestions?

 

I agree with ignoring them.... to a point.

 

A true bunny boiler will NOT be ignored. They will stalk, harrass, and confront until they get what they want - positive attention, or eliminate the one(s) that have caused them such distress.

 

I've dealt with the male version more than once. Sometimes disappearing until they forget about you works some, too.

[Myowntwofeet]

Thanks! I'll check out the book.

 

 

I always think that is the worst thing you can do. Course I am the "generic" bunny boiler... not the evil, going to kill you bunny boiler:p

 

I can say if they have my personality "type"... ignoring me does nothing but fuel the fire. I cannot stand to be ignored, especially by someone who has helped create the mess.

 

The BS ignoring me, well... that I understand and even appreciate. The MM.... not so much.

 

Avoidance is what created the mess.... avoidance in most cases is NOT what is going to clean it up.

 

I also really think this term is thrown around far to easily.

 

Did I created difficult moments for MM, you bet I did but it certainly wasn't on my own. Call me a bunny boiler or simply a hard head. The bottom line, show me respect or I will demand it... and I don't care if I am only the "OW".

 

BB007... I have no clue what your scenario is... but if you are referring to someone who isn't truly a bunny boiler... how about stepping to the plate and dealing with the issue?

[Fieldsofgold]

My bunnies are frantically searching Amazon for the book, all the while nervously watching for any sign of dumplings being made.

[Myowntwofeet]

haha.... there's a first.

 

Imho, this is a bunch of crap.

 

Life experiences have shown me, that more often than not 80-90% of the time, dealing with an issue will go a long way in rectifying the situation, especially with junior "bunny boilers" and I personally think it is "avoiding" in the beginning that leads to anyone becoming more aggressive.

 

Maybe I am a "bunny boiler" but it certainly has never come up in counseling. I can say I have very set ideas as to how I treat someone, and how I expected to be treated.

 

I am a communicator, whether that be in writing or verbally.

 

As for MM - he is not/was not worth bottling up emotions that he deserved.

 

Keep in mind that for many BS they have the opportunity to scream, kick, rant, pull, etc. The OW is left to deal with it all independently and personally, I am not about to rant or rave to friends- I am a little more private than that. For me, I want to be able to address the situation with the person and move on. No festering or burying of feelings.