The Making of A Bunny Boiler

[BB07]

I agree with ignoring them.... to a point.

 

A true bunny boiler will NOT be ignored. They will stalk, harrass, and confront until they get what they want - positive attention, or eliminate the one(s) that have caused them such distress.

 

I've dealt with the male version more than once. Sometimes disappearing until they forget about you works some, too.

 

 

Well they aren't a true bunny boiler yet, but I'm concerned, so for now I'm not going to engage, I think it will just feed the bunny, if I do.

[White Flower]

"The Gift of Fear," a book about dealing with that sort of people, recommends no response at all. Says it will escalate te situation. I would, however, document EVERYTHING. date, time, details.

That is an excellent book!

[BB07]

BB007... I have no clue what your scenario is... but if you are referring to someone who isn't truly a bunny boiler... how about stepping to the plate and dealing with the issue?

 

The way things are right now.....I can't directly deal with it, since if I feed the bunny then it could be used against my stbdmm.

 

True bunny boiler behavior isn't what it is at this stage, but it has escalated in the last little while and I'm concerned that it might even more in the near future. It's worrisome.

[Myowntwofeet]

The way things are right now.....I can't directly deal with it, since if I feed the bunny then it could be used against my stbdmm.

 

True bunny boiler behavior isn't what it is at this stage, but it has escalated in the last little while and I'm concerned that it might even more in the near future. It's worrisome.

 

 

Well, good luck. I am not sure of your story... but personally, I think " I can't deal" just means I dont wanna:p

 

Regardless of any situation.... usually, you can find a way to deal with it and I can only tell you that ignoring me does not make anything better.....

 

I certainly wouldn't physically harm anyone and I don't have the time to stalk... but it would raise my level of *pissed offness.... lol, and it has.

 

I am much more a deal with it person.

[pureinheart]

I always think that is the worst thing you can do. Course I am the "generic" bunny boiler... not the evil, going to kill you bunny boiler:p

 

I can say if they have my personality "type"... ignoring me does nothing but fuel the fire. I cannot stand to be ignored, especially by someone who has helped create the mess.

 

The BS ignoring me, well... that I understand and even appreciate. The MM.... not so much.

 

Avoidance is what created the mess.... avoidance in most cases is NOT what is going to clean it up.

 

I also really think this term is thrown around far to easily.

 

Did I created difficult moments for MM, you bet I did but it certainly wasn't on my own. Call me a bunny boiler or simply a hard head. The bottom line, show me respect or I will demand it... and I don't care if I am only the "OW".

 

BB007... I have no clue what your scenario is... but if you are referring to someone who isn't truly a bunny boiler... how about stepping to the plate and dealing with the issue?

 

MOTF...I love the way you communicate, direct, to the point...no "wondering" where you are coming from...your communication has a perfect touch of class.

 

In bold is exactly how I felt and conducted myself, I did not hide anything....for respect purposes kept his end of the confidentiality...

 

MOTF, may I ask if this makes sense: Even though I am doing something wrong, I will find a right way to do it.

 

*BB, I hope everything is ok?????

[pureinheart]

The way things are right now.....I can't directly deal with it, since if I feed the bunny then it could be used against my stbdmm.

 

True bunny boiler behavior isn't what it is at this stage, but it has escalated in the last little while and I'm concerned that it might even more in the near future. It's worrisome.

 

 

Ok, answered the question....(((((((BB))))))), you can be assurred my thoughts are with you:)...

 

I know what you are talking about, if I'm reading your post correctly. ExDM, I hope is grateful that I am not a vindictive person and loyal even if the loyalty is not returned.

 

The reason I say that is exDM's D was UGLY and I felt they were both extremely immature. I think his kids got the worse end of the deal as they were used (as they were in the M) to play childish games with each other...it became quite repulsive, to the point that I would no longer poison my ears.

 

The negativity was horrible...I really hope it isn't this bad for you.

[BB07]

Well, good luck. I am not sure of your story... but personally, I think " I can't deal" just means I dont wanna:p

 

Regardless of any situation.... usually, you can find a way to deal with it and I can only tell you that ignoring me does not make anything better.....

 

I certainly wouldn't physically harm anyone and I don't have the time to stalk... but it would raise my level of *pissed offness.... lol, and it has.

 

I am much more a deal with it person.

 

Since you don't know my story....don't assume I don't wanna. I would explain in more detail but it's TMI.

[BB07]

Ok, answered the question....(((((((BB))))))), you can be assurred my thoughts are with you:)...

 

I know what you are talking about, if I'm reading your post correctly. ExDM, I hope is grateful that I am not a vindictive person and loyal even if the loyalty is not returned.

 

The reason I say that is exDM's D was UGLY and I felt they were both extremely immature. I think his kids got the worse end of the deal as they were used (as they were in the M) to play childish games with each other...it became quite repulsive, to the point that I would no longer poison my ears.

 

The negativity was horrible...I really hope it isn't this bad for you.

 

 

Similar but not..but thanks for the good thoughts pure. My stbdmm isn't at fault, he has been and is still behaving better than I would if it was me in his shoes. He has no direct contact with the stbx, but she doesn't want to let go and is using all the tricks she can find up her sleeve.

[Fieldsofgold]

haha.... there's a first.

 

Imho, this is a bunch of crap.

 

Life experiences have shown me, that more often than not 80-90% of the time, dealing with an issue will go a long way in rectifying the situation, especially with junior "bunny boilers" and I personally think it is "avoiding" in the beginning that leads to anyone becoming more aggressive.

 

Maybe I am a "bunny boiler" but it certainly has never come up in counseling. I can say I have very set ideas as to how I treat someone, and how I expected to be treated.

 

I am a communicator, whether that be in writing or verbally.

 

As for MM - he is not/was not worth bottling up emotions that he deserved.

 

Keep in mind that for many BS they have the opportunity to scream, kick, rant, pull, etc. The OW is left to deal with it all independently and personally, I am not about to rant or rave to friends- I am a little more private than that. For me, I want to be able to address the situation with the person and move on. No festering or burying of feelings.

 

First off, I don't think telling someone off is BB. I don't think demanding answers while shining a bright light in their face and beating them about the head and shoulders is BB (jk).

 

I think BB is sicker and more serious. "The Gift of Fear" was a very helpful book for me. It also addresses WHEN NOT TO IGNORE things. And how to recognize psychos on the front end. It was insightful for me.

[NoIDidn't]

First off, I don't think telling someone off is BB. I don't think demanding answers while shining a bright light in their face and beating them about the head and shoulders is BB (jk).

 

I think BB is sicker and more serious. "The Gift of Fear" was a very helpful book for me. It also addresses WHEN NOT TO IGNORE things. And how to recognize psychos on the front end. It was insightful for me.

 

Regarding the bolded.

 

Exactly why I said "to a point". There is definitely a point to start paying attention and addressing things when dealing with someone that you think is getting dangerous.

 

And the second bolded part: the reason I believe that bunny boiling behavior was already in the person. Unless the person has been in a situation for a very long time (years and years of gaslighting - like Mrs. Broderick), a normal person just doesn't flip after a few weeks in an A after it is ended - even if it was abrupt or the MP was manipulative.

 

I just think it was already there. The dysfunction is just released on someone else.

[Myowntwofeet]

MOTF, may I ask if this makes sense: Even though I am doing something wrong, I will find a right way to do it.

 

 

It makes complete sense. I am really honest - I was a mess and I mean a mess for months. Tears I didn't really know where they were coming from, literally emotional breakdowns, crying hysterical on the phone... Been there, done it.

 

I am not proud of all my actions, so similar to you.... I will continue till I get it right.

 

The one thing, that was clearly evident to me during it was that for most of my adult life I thought I had dealt with my abandonment issues in my childhood, and denounced any " you had a tough life"... primarily out of pride. I had to revisit that and really let my "kid" experience the pain of my childhood and let my "child" let go of the pain from MM treating me as he did....still a work in progress

 

I am getting stronger.... and with that... it isn't always what someone would like. For me, it means holding me accountable for my actions and him as well. Letting go what I can't change ( loving him or caring) and allowing myself to continue to do that but respect myself enough to accept to be treated with respect.

[Myowntwofeet]

Since you don't know my story....don't assume I don't wanna. I would explain in more detail but it's TMI.

 

Apologies BB - I used the tongue smiley to joke and understand I have no knowledge... comment wasn't meant to offend you.

[NoIDidn't]

It makes complete sense. I am really honest - I was a mess and I mean a mess for months. Tears I didn't really know where they were coming from, literally emotional breakdowns, crying hysterical on the phone... Been there, done it.

 

I am not proud of all my actions, so similar to you.... I will continue till I get it right.

 

The one thing, that was clearly evident to me during it was that for most of my adult life I thought I had dealt with my abandonment issues in my childhood, and denounced any " you had a tough life"... primarily out of pride. I had to revisit that and really let my "kid" experience the pain of my childhood and let my "child" let go of the pain from MM treating me as he did....still a work in progress

 

I am getting stronger.... and with that... it isn't always what someone would like. For me, it means holding me accountable for my actions and him as well. Letting go what I can't change ( loving him or caring) and allowing myself to continue to do that but respect myself enough to accept to be treated with respect.

 

I was here after d-day in my M. I really understand where you are coming from with this. It was so not about my H or my M. That reaction was purely about me, from within me.

 

Sorry for t/j-ing my own thread.

[Myowntwofeet]

I was here after d-day in my M. I really understand where you are coming from with this. It was so not about my H or my M. That reaction was purely about me, from within me.

 

Sorry for t/j-ing my own thread.

 

It was the most difficult and did I ever avoid it:sick:..... finally after months I knew I had to give in a bit and you know what did it? My Brothers girlfriend commenting on our childhood on face book... something to the effect that " no children should suffer like you guys"... I just about died of embarrassment.

 

My councilor was like... WTH, why are you embarrassed..... and it was clear I had forgiven those that were responsible... but I had forgot that I too didn't have control over it and it was nothing to be ashamed of.

 

I think it started the growth this past couple months and the "return" to the better me.

 

Sorry tooooo for the T/J:p

[Brokenlady]

My reason for starting this thread was formed after reading a review on an Infidelity book written by a man that admitted he was the WS. He said that "the other person can and will turn on you if you don't do as they say". And his particular OW turned Bunny Boiler on him by outing the A at his home to his W and family (and probably even neighbors if they are nosey like that).

 

I put these two thoughts together to ask, what makes one turn into the dreaded "Bunny Boiler". Is it that selfish love not being returned in the way that it was before from the object that was making them feel good? Did the MP turn the OP into a mad person? Or is that simply the mindset that was always lurking inside the OP to begin with?

 

I don't see how this is all that different from a BS "outing" her WS to the family and anyone who will listen out of revenge and feeling like a victim. And if the WS keeps in contact with the OP (not doing as the BS says), a WS can expect repercussions. The OP feels victimized the same way, yet we expect different emotional reactions because the OP "shouldn't" or "doesn't have the right" to feel that emotion?

[NoIDidn't]

I don't see how this is all that different from a BS "outing" her WS to the family and anyone who will listen out of revenge and feeling like a victim. And if the WS keeps in contact with the OP (not doing as the BS says), a WS can expect repercussions. The OP feels victimized the same way, yet we expect different emotional reactions because the OP "shouldn't" or "doesn't have the right" to feel that emotion?

 

Can't say that I agree with you on this. The W "outing" their H to family, theirs and their inlaws is creating a support system. The BS wants the A over, telling family tends to speed up the ending and get them what they want. The OW doing it, especially if no one knew of her existence initially, comes across as over stepping her bounds.

 

I can't speak to the "anyone who will listen" part because that's obviously something in the BS that has to be dealt with as well.

 

It was never said that the OW "shouldn't" or "doesn't have the right" to feel victimized, just that going psycho doesn't help. If its over, its over.

[Brokenlady]

The BS tells friends and family for support, but largely to make it harder to continue the affair - in other words, to end the A in her favor. The OP wants the A over too, and hopes that by telling the A will end in his/her favor. Again, pretty much the same thing as far as I can tell.

 

Once an A exists, which is by definition "overstepping bounds", I don't know that telling the BW of the A crosses some magic line.

 

In the end, the BS and the OP want the same thing. Even though they both take the same action - telling - and are driven by the same emotional influences; somehow it's "ok" for the BS, but "bunny boiling/going psycho" for the OP. It seems rather hypocritical.

Edited June 8, 2010 by Brokenlady

[OWoman]

I think in some cases the OW wanting to tell (anyone) of the A after its demise is to validate it, to realise it - she lived through this intense time of her life that is now threatening to vanish without a trace, and she's similarly expected to vanish without a trace, and to show no trace (of loss, grieving, mourning) of the R that only a short while ago was such a big part of her life. In an effort to prove that she's not hallucinating, that it was real - that she is real - she may seek to make the A known, to ground what she's going through in reality, so that it's not just some kind of internal going on inside her own head.

 

I'm not personally of that persuasion, but I've seen this play out IRL. I don't think it's unbalanced, I just think it's sad that people can be rendered so invisible so casually that leads to some feeling it's necessary.

[NoIDidn't]

I think in some cases the OW wanting to tell (anyone) of the A after its demise is to validate it, to realise it - she lived through this intense time of her life that is now threatening to vanish without a trace, and she's similarly expected to vanish without a trace, and to show no trace (of loss, grieving, mourning) of the R that only a short while ago was such a big part of her life. In an effort to prove that she's not hallucinating, that it was real - that she is real - she may seek to make the A known, to ground what she's going through in reality, so that it's not just some kind of internal going on inside her own head.

 

I'm not personally of that persuasion, but I've seen this play out IRL. I don't think it's unbalanced, I just think it's sad that people can be rendered so invisible so casually that leads to some feeling it's necessary.

 

I think its sad to go through those lengths to validate the A as well, but usually an OW in this situation allowed the invisible nature of the A to begin with.

[bentnotbroken]

The BS tells friends and family for support, but largely to make it harder to continue the affair - in other words, to end the A in her favor. The OP wants the A over too, and hopes that by telling the A will end in his/her favor. Again, pretty much the same thing as far as I can tell.

 

Once an A exists, which is by definition "overstepping bounds", I don't know that telling the BW of the A crosses some magic line.

 

In the end, the BS and the OP want the same thing. Even though they both take the same action - telling - and are driven by the same emotional influences; somehow it's "ok" for the BS, but "bunny boiling/going psycho" for the OP. It seems rather hypocritical.

 

 

 

While I do believe you are speaking in the general, just to throw it out there, I told not to get him back but because I had a reputation to save. I was portrayed in a way that was heinous and would hurt my children. Plus I had to make sure that neither of them would end up with any influence what so ever with my kids. And as for the last bolded part, being the AP is rather hypocritical to me...so I guess it depends on your view of what that term means.

[NoIDidn't]

The BS tells friends and family for support, but largely to make it harder to continue the affair - in other words, to end the A in her favor. The OP wants the A over too, and hopes that by telling the A will end in his/her favor. Again, pretty much the same thing as far as I can tell.

 

Once an A exists, which is by definition "overstepping bounds", I don't know that telling the BW of the A crosses some magic line.

 

In the end, the BS and the OP want the same thing. Even though they both take the same action - telling - and are driven by the same emotional influences; somehow it's "ok" for the BS, but "bunny boiling/going psycho" for the OP. It seems rather hypocritical.

 

I can understand why you would say its hypocritical. I don't feel the OW has the right to do things in an attempt to end a legitimate R by "telling" people. Even most MM will say that going to their home is crossing an even bigger line than the A.

 

I don't feel the W doing what she has to to end the cancer in her M is hypocritical. I do think that an OW thinking she has the right to do what the W does in defense of her M is delusional, though.

[Fieldsofgold]

While I do believe you are speaking in the general, just to throw it out there, I told not to get him back but because I had a reputation to save. I was portrayed in a way that was heinous and would hurt my children. Plus I had to make sure that neither of them would end up with any influence what so ever with my kids. And as for the last bolded part, being the AP is rather hypocritical to me...so I guess it depends on your view of what that term means.

 

Wow! Just when I didn't think I had anything else to say about this topic:

 

(please excuse the *'s. My phone just does that sometimes.)

 

I think OW tell, sometimes for validation, sometimes because they hurt and want others to sympathize, and sometimes to punish the WS and/or to once and for all get rid of the BS, who they may see as the obstacle in their path to happiness. That, in itself, is a bit sick-o. If the MM didn't want his W or his marriage, he would probably have already left and all the azz-jazz wouldn't have gone down in the first place. (yes, I know there are exceptions.) * *

 

In sympathy to the OW, I *do think it would be terribly hard for an OW to spend months and years of her life, with the gut-wrenching emotions that often go along with A's, to then find out it was all a lie, and they were tossed in the ditch like they/their life/their love was worth nothing. I can understand their hurt and rage. **

 

"The BS may tell for support, to punish the husband, to make it harder for him to have an affair." *That's all true. But I think *generally* the betrayal of the W is worse than the betrayal of the OW, and can be much more damaging to the BS, because of the emotional investment, commitment expectations, and *especially if she has children, and/or is *heavily invested financially (mortgages,etc.) in the partnership. *At least the OW KNEW there was an affair going on, from the very beginning. The OW KNEW there was deceit and treachery and lies being told. *The W (typically) didn't. *The WS made vows and signed papers with the W, and the W is there (typically) doing the dirty work of everyday living with the WS. I could go on. I just think that *typically* the BS gets the bigger * dose of betrayal, and has MUCH MORE to lose, esp. when there are children. *

 

I think it's unfair to compare a BS telling her family - the people closest to her emotionally - to compare that to the OW telling the BS and others about the affair. How would you expect someone to NOT tell their mother, sister, MIL, and others with whom they are emotionally close?

 

And remember that most mothers would kill to protect their children. Why would anyone expect the BS NOT to do everything she could to lessen the damage to her children. If that includes telling grandma and grandpa, aunts and uncles and others involved in the childrens' lives, so be it. The @$$, excuse me, WS should have thought of all that before he dunked his donut. **

 

When I was a BS, I did not tell my family, because I didn't want them to lose respect for him in the event we worked things out. That was a huge mistake. He did what WS's do best - he lied, and leveraged my silence of his betrayal to his best advantage. He and OW caused as much damage to me, my reputation, and to my child, as possible. *In retrospect, I realize I should have told people. From the first suspicion, the first abuse, I should have told it. *It would have definitely lessened the damage he was able to do to me, damage *they* did to a totally innocent, loving, dedicated and trusting young woman.*

 

(I think I am ranting and I should stop, take a deep breath, and have a nice cup of tea now.)**

[ladydesigner]

Wow! Just when I didn't think I had anything else to say about this topic:

 

(please excuse the *'s. My phone just does that sometimes.)

 

I think OW tell, sometimes for validation, sometimes because they hurt and want others to sympathize, and sometimes to punish the WS and/or to once and for all get rid of the BS, who they may see as the obstacle in their path to happiness. That, in itself, is a bit sick-o. If the MM didn't want his W or his marriage, he would probably have already left and all the azz-jazz wouldn't have gone down in the first place. (yes, I know there are exceptions.) * *

 

In sympathy to the OW, I *do think it would be terribly hard for an OW to spend months and years of her life, with the gut-wrenching emotions that often go along with A's, to then find out it was all a lie, and they were tossed in the ditch like they/their life/their love was worth nothing. I can understand their hurt and rage. **

 

"The BS may tell for support, to punish the husband, to make it harder for him to have an affair." *That's all true. But I think *generally* the betrayal of the W is worse than the betrayal of the OW, and can be much more damaging to the BS, because of the emotional investment, commitment expectations, and *especially if she has children, and/or is *heavily invested financially (mortgages,etc.) in the partnership. *At least the OW KNEW there was an affair going on, from the very beginning. The OW KNEW there was deceit and treachery and lies being told. *The W (typically) didn't. *The WS made vows and signed papers with the W, and the W is there (typically) doing the dirty work of everyday living with the WS. I could go on. I just think that *typically* the BS gets the bigger * dose of betrayal, and has MUCH MORE to lose, esp. when there are children. *

 

I think it's unfair to compare a BS telling her family - the people closest to her emotionally - to compare that to the OW telling the BS and others about the affair. How would you expect someone to NOT tell their mother, sister, MIL, and others with whom they are emotionally close?

 

And remember that most mothers would kill to protect their children. Why would anyone expect the BS NOT to do everything she could to lessen the damage to her children. If that includes telling grandma and grandpa, aunts and uncles and others involved in the childrens' lives, so be it. The @$$, excuse me, WS should have thought of all that before he dunked his donut. **

 

When I was a BS, I did not tell my family, because I didn't want them to lose respect for him in the event we worked things out. That was a huge mistake. He did what WS's do best - he lied, and leveraged my silence of his betrayal to his best advantage. He and OW caused as much damage to me, my reputation, and to my child, as possible. *In retrospect, I realize I should have told people. From the first suspicion, the first abuse, I should have told it. *It would have definitely lessened the damage he was able to do to me, damage *they* did to a totally innocent, loving, dedicated and trusting young woman.*

 

(I think I am ranting and I should stop, take a deep breath, and have a nice cup of tea now.)**

 

This is an exceptional post. I also agree that the degree of betrayal is much worse for the BS especially in that they have no idea they have been lied to. The AP knows they are helping the WS deceive the BS.

 

The BS did have their spouse first to begin with.