cutebug Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 So I have been dating someone for 7 months exclusively (we're both in ours 40s). We had talked about living together at one point but he had too much going on (taking care of elderly parent) and put it on hold. He has a 13 yr old daughter. Sees her 2-3 times a week (only 1 overnite) so his time with her is pretty limited. In the 7 months, I have met her one time. The meeting seemed to go well, she was polite, etc. I have a 5 yr old son. My b/f has a good relationship with him yet he won't bring his daughter around. Says at 13 he does not want to "force" her. He says he considers our relationship serious, not casual, yet he has to take it day-by-day because she is a teenager and not interested in getting to know me and my son, only interested in what she wants to do as typical teenagers are, and of course the care of his mother. I think relationships should be based on compromise. If we are going to have a long-term relationship (which he claims to want) then I should get to know his daughter better and vice versa. He strikes me as the ultimate people pleaser - like in the past when I have suggested something, he says he'll ask her ... instead of just saying "tonite we're going to do this". I'm not sure what I'm asking ... part of me thinks maybe I should just move on. I'm not expecting for the 4 of us (us and kids) do something all the time he has her but I also don't think it's unrealistic to spend time together getting to know each other better 1-2X a month. Has anyone had a similar experience. I do love this man very, very much but starting to wonder if he'll always let his daughter rule his life and ultimately our relationship.
Suzanne102 Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 As an only child of divorced parents I think I may be able to help you out a bit. When I was that age (13/14) I wasn't always interested in meeting my parents new boyfriend or girlfriend either. If your bf sees his daughter 2/3 days a week, you should go over there for dinner or spend a day just being there. You don't have to play a game or take a walk or do anything with her, just show her you are interested in her. Ask her some questions, but keep things casual. Don't share any lifestories and don't ask about hers. If your bf doesnt want to take your daughter to your house, than you should go to their house. She will be more comfortable there, because she's in her own place and if she wants, she could go to her room. There's an escape. Maybe you could take your son with you. Just let the teenager do what she wants to, if you try to control that or try to change that in her, it's a waste of time and effort and it will only turn her against you. Teenagers are difficult and need time to adjust to changes.
Author cutebug Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 I see your point but the issue is my son is only 5 and in a new house will totally be all over the place, "what's this" and "what's that" ... I'd be running after him making sure he wasn't picking up a breakable, etc. ... so it seemed easier to meet at my house ... but yeah, his teenager being out of her comfort zone was uncomfortable ... plus his elderly mom lives with him (should be in a senior apt by fall and then we'll revisit living together) and having a very active 5 yr old around would be stressful to her as well. For now we have decided to do any meetings on neutral ground ... meet for a movie, ice cream, festivals w/rides, etc. until she is more comfortable. Thanks for the advice! I will say it sure is easier meeting someone with kids when the kids are younger then when they have hit those teenage years.
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I'm just adding stuff to the pot, here.... Teenager, raging hormones, fluctuating moods, jealous of daddy's relatively new but serious GF, unsure of her own place in the whole scheme of things. Developing into a young lady from a little girl....... school, usual boy stuff, school work, all that schyt..... You know.... Could any of the above have any bearing.....? Also, Mum's attitude to you? Her opinion? Her relationship with her ex- (your BF).....?
flc Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Dating with teenagers involved is always a challenge. Heck just living with teenagers is a challenge without the addition of bringing someone else into an established family. Wait until you spend the night with her there. Every kid is different so some will accept the situation and others will fight it. But if he serious about you he needs to involve you in this part of his life and he should tell his daughter that she doesn't have to be your friend but she must treat you with respect and understand that you are in his life. I currently have a 17yo daughter and my GF has a 19yo daughter, 22yo son and a 26yo daughter. It has been challenging, my daughter will sometimes treat my GF like her best friend and other times ignore her. Really no different than she treats me My GF daughters treat me well, her son does his best to ignore me. We make it work, the kids know we are together and we plan to stay that way
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