4givrnt4gtr Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 ok so Ive been dating this guy for over two months now. He treats me like a queen, is madly in love with me and is very caring and loving. However, there are a couple of things that really bother me and Im not sure what to do about it. I mean it bother me to the point of really wanting to break it off but then the positive parts make me stay. Still, Im so stressed out by all this that my back is so tense and extremely painful. The negative parts are that well, quite frankly sometimes I feel like he isn't playing with a full deck, you know what i mean? Like there is something off about him. For instance, we're discussing what we're going to have for dinner , like "ok so we're having steak?" and he responds with "the lady at work is so annoying"....where the heck did THAT come from. I ask him and he says that something he saw reminded him of it...but its so out of the blue it makes me wonder. Another instance was when last weekend we were at his house, he told me he was going to cook for me (oh and he still lives at home with his mom, he takes care of her and watches over her as she isn't all the way there either). Anyhow, his mom started cooking and he flipped a lid...like...the end of the world was happening, saying that he was supposed to cook, and just freaking out. He literally looked like a kid throwing a tantrum. Total turn off. I actually broke up with him then but then he explain that although his response was off and he knew it, he was trying to prevent a disaster with his mom cooking. We got back together cuz frankly, i really do care for him On top of that "offness" he is extremely insecure, not in the jealous type of insecure, at least not so far, but in the type where he thinks everyone thinks badly of him, that he is ugly and that people talk behind his back. He gets extremely offended when he says hi to someone and they don't answer for some reason. I try to be understanding but man it gets to me. Lastly, well his negativity and criticism kills me. Its never towards me...at least yet...but everyone else around him. His mom sucks his sister sucks, his teachers suck his job sucks his clients are dumbasses...omg man...such a downer!!! We've discuss how some of his behavior worry me, especially since he keeps saying he wants to marry me eventually. HE says he is getting himself together and he appreciates me being patient and kind, as other people, when they find out about his past and his family life leave right away. (He is a former cocaine addict, with almost a decade of sobriety, and well as I said, not a very good family life for most of his life). As I said he treats me like a queen so I dont know if im justified to leave him....plus i really do care about him a lot and really hope he gets himself together enough where his view of life and people start becoming more positive. Still im getting to the end of my rope, and despite his "i need you to get through this" and his "I want to be better for you" I'm really wanting to end it.... This weekend we're supposed to go to a mini vacation, which he insists on paying. Ive told him I want to pay at least half but he refuses. I feel guilty going on this trip knowing i feel the way I feel....Im not sure what to do... Should I end it today and avoid him spending that much money even though I know he is really looking forward to this trip? Or suck it up, try to have fun, help him pay for the trip and then end it after the trip? actually...should I end our relationship at all??? I do love him and I am also wondering if i might be PMSing or something else is going on with me that is making me want to run away.... this is so confusing, please someone help me! PS. We're leaving tonight...so either I would really appreciate some input at least to have something to go on....so so so confused
luname84 Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 he says "i want to change for you" and that worries me. see real change comes from the inside,YOU change because YOU are tired of living this way not because of someone else. It's simply unhealthy to base your recovery on someone else, besides that if it's not for you it never sticks. Other then that i think your relationship if off to unhealthy start. You date a man for who he is, not for who he could be. If you have to change the man in other to truely love him and be with him, then why date him at all?why not date a man who already is what you want and let him him be with a woman who truely loves him for him? you are not doing him any favors by staying with him if you have serious issues with his charecter.all you are doing is depriving him of beeing with someone who really is for him. I think you like the way he treats you more than you like him. Because when you really like someone in the beggining those imperfactions just fade away.You've only been together 2 months!! and already you are on the verge of a break up.how healthy is that? that is my opinion by ultimately it is you who has to answer their own question.there are things in a relationship you can put up with, and there are things you can't. Change takes time...even years, because essentually you are asking that he change his charecter and that is really hard since people are set in their habbits and in their ways.If he really want to change for himself, he will...But it will take a long time. So you eather accept him and love him for who he is now or you walk away.
Ilovecake Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 (edited) Honey, it's only been two months and there are red flags all over the place, I mean everywhere. He has some major problems and it's only going to escalade. In relationships some of the good stuff goes away but the bad stuff always gets worse. If this is what’s happening after only two months, when you’re still in the courting stages and both on your best behavior just imagine once he gets comfortable around you and is no longer trying to impress you, what that will be like. Guess who his emotional punching bag will be. You're already falling in love with the person you hope he will be one day not the person he is, you're falling for someone who doesn't even exist except for in your fantasy world. Get out, and fast!!!!! Edited June 4, 2010 by Ilovecake
Shakz Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Uh, yeah, this guy sound like he needs a doctor. I'm seeing signs of OCD and even paranoid schizophrenia. Tread lightly.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 Thank you all for your responses. I agree there are so many red flags that its killing me. I talked to my mom about this earlier and she says i dont deserve to be in this much conflict and confusion. I didnt really post all there is to know about him here, both because it would take too long and also out of respect for him, but my mom knows the whole story and she says that although he is a good guy he has way too many problems in his life to hope for a good relationship. However, both she and I agree that he and his family are really good, as in, out of the ordinary good people, which makes the situation difficult. Ilovecake, hear you when you say that it will only get worse...and thats what Im afraid of. This is more painful than being broke up with...at least you know you did all you could to continue the relationship and the other person just let you go....In this case I feel like crap for having to let go of someone I love because he isn't emotionally healthy....this is so painful Shaks, I appreciate you wanting to help, but beware of giving people labels. I know for a fact he is not OCD and definitely not paranoid schizophrenic. As a matter of fact both of us have a master in psychology and are pursuing a doctorate in psychology. We both know all about these mental disorders. He definitely doesnt fit any of the criteria for these labels. Its dangerous to give out labels like this, especially in a forum where people are going through difficult times and may not know any better. It can cause a lot of trauma and even more distress for people seeking relief. I know i said he sometimes feels like he isn't all the way there...but to me this is more related to having been brought up by a borderline mother and having had to take care of her. Im just afraid he might have picked up a lot of her traits, on top of the anxiety that is inherent in people with borderline parents. In any case.....im really sad and still confused, though its becoming clearer and clearer that i need to end this.....just dont know when, let alone how....what am i supposed to tell him??? Breaking hearts is just not my thing
skydiveaddict Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 In any case.....im really sad and still confused, though its becoming clearer and clearer that i need to end this.....just dont know when, let alone how....what am i supposed to tell him??? Breaking hearts is just not my thing You just have to do it. the sooner the better.
sugarmomma Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Since you are a psych major you know that the DSM IV labels drug addiction as a mental disorder which is something that takes a long time to recover from mentally and emotionally. There is a lot of shame associated with substance abuse and recovering addicts struggle at times with other personality disorders as well (i.e. bipolar, borderline, narcissism, dependent personality disorder). They also struggle with codependency which explains his overwhelming need for you to help him get through his issues. Your mom gave you the best advice. He has too many problems to ever be in a healthy relationship. Best wishes
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 Since you are a psych major you know that the DSM IV labels drug addiction as a mental disorder which is something that takes a long time to recover from mentally and emotionally. There is a lot of shame associated with substance abuse and recovering addicts struggle at times with other personality disorders as well (i.e. bipolar, borderline, narcissism, dependent personality disorder). They also struggle with codependency which explains his overwhelming need for you to help him get through his issues. Your mom gave you the best advice. He has too many problems to ever be in a healthy relationship. Best wishes I agree, actually when he told me about his addiction it worried me though I felt unfair to not give him a chance. However, I have often wonder if what im feeling regarding his "offness" has to do with remants of the addiction even if it has been almost ten years since he has been completely sober. From what he told me, he used drugs as a way to escape a deep depression he struggle with through his teen years due to the death of his father and his mother's borderline personality. As I said, his life has been anything but easy til now which makes me wonder if its fair of me to "punish" him for having had a rough life which he is currently trying to rebuild. But thats when my own issues of putting others before me come up. In any case, I guess my biggest struggle is when should I do it? As I said we are still taking classes together, having to do presentations and such for other two weeks. We are also going on a trip, which my mom suggests I go to, but make him let me pay my half and just act as a friend more so than a girlfriend. And then...when it comes down to....when he asks me why....what can i tell him? i dont want to place all the blame on him.....its really not his fault that his life has been so ridiculous that is not allowing him to be a normal adult. It is specially hard when he often tells me that people he's dated before leave him for this exact same reason, and he had given up hope until he met me. This whole thing makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. Life is so unfair....my poor man
sugarmomma Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Watch your boundaries and if things he does makes you uncomfortable talk with him. Having someone healthy in his life could teach him a few things. u don't have to dump him right away. give it a little time but keep ur eyes open.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted June 7, 2010 Author Posted June 7, 2010 (edited) Watch your boundaries and if things he does makes you uncomfortable talk with him. Having someone healthy in his life could teach him a few things. u don't have to dump him right away. give it a little time but keep ur eyes open. Thank you. We went to the trip over the weekend. We had an amazing time together. I cant deny I love him. I love that we can discuss things, learn from each other about different stuff. I love some of his randomness and his wittiness. He admitted he's been overly negative when we started discussing being more positive to get what we want out of life. He said that living at home makes him focus on the negative and it just colors his world. We had a great time, though he would sometimes said negative things that made me remember why I'm so confused up about the whole situation. What got me was that at the end of the trip, once we were home he told me he knew he had scared me with some of his behavior and his negativity, that all he could do was love me, and hope I was patient enough for him to move out of his mother's home and truly get to know him, away from the stress of living with someone with borderline disorder. The trip made feel strongly about him. It made me sad to think I would have to leave him. Every time he brought up places we should visit and things we could do, I would initially get excited, then really sad when I thought I would have to leave him and would never get the chance to do all those things. I decided to, as sugarmamma said, continue with the relationship, with my eyes wide open. As he said, I like him enough to give him this chance....and if he blows it, at least I won't have regrets that I left him when I wasn't sure about it. Edited June 7, 2010 by 4givrnt4gtr
Ilovecake Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Ilovecake, hear you when you say that it will only get worse...and thats what Im afraid of. This is more painful than being broke up with...at least you know you did all you could to continue the relationship and the other person just let you go....In this case I feel like crap for having to let go of someone I love because he isn't emotionally healthy....this is so painful I know what you mean. You're in a very heartbreaking predicament. I mean just because he's as you say “off” doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to be in a good relationship but he sounds like he will always need a caregiver. He's exceptionally needy and that can be suffocating to his partner. You might want to tell him that even though you love him it would not only be a burden to you but also to him in his psychological state to achieve something as complex as building a healthy relationship. He needs to work on himself and you being there would only hinder his process. It would be too easy for him to lean on you and use you as a crutch, building his dependency even further. You obviously know that getting emotionally healthy means stepping out of your comfort zone and as long as he has a crutch meeting his emotional needs he will not do that. He needs to do this alone and for himself.
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