Chris68 Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 For those that have been successful in Reconciling, what did the WS have to do to prove they were fully commited to rejoining the marriage, what did they do to build trust back? What worked or did not work? I am trying to complie a list to show to my WS ... kind of a these are things that have worked for others, these are some of the steps you need / want / have to take. I know NC is one of the first and biggest, along with taking ownership of the affair without trying to explain it away or make excuses / reason, showing true remorse (and not just for getting caught and things lost due to the A). What action did your or you as a WS take?
Snowflower Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 This is a really good question! First of all Chris, does your WS want to reconcile with you? Is the A and the OP completely out of the picture? IMO, the WS has to really want to reconcile--they have to want it with all their heart and soul. Their actions will then follow that lead. If their wish to reconcile is genuine, they will instinctively know what to do. You as the BS shouldn't have to tell them.
Spark1111 Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Total NC and the ability given freely to me to verify; cell phone, email, work and home, all passwords. Total transparency, at least in the beginning. Calling me to tell me where he was, who he was with, if he would be late and by how much. Truly remorseful of his actions, his deceptions. tALKING, TALKING TALKING ABOUT EVERYTHING. And even with all that, I remained very tentative about our future. I took a wait and see attitude. I wanted to see if this new, reformed and honest man could be trusted. Like I told the counselor, when you have been deceived by the person you love most in the world, they could tell you the sky is blue and you doubt them. Sadly for him, I did not believe the "I am sorry," and "I love you" for a very long time either. Proven behavior over time. Plus, IC and MC.
seibert253 Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Total NC and the ability given freely to me to verify; cell phone, email, work and home, all passwords. Total transparency, at least in the beginning. Calling me to tell me where he was, who he was with, if he would be late and by how much. Truly remorseful of his actions, his deceptions. tALKING, TALKING TALKING ABOUT EVERYTHING. And even with all that, I remained very tentative about our future. I took a wait and see attitude. I wanted to see if this new, reformed and honest man could be trusted. Like I told the counselor, when you have been deceived by the person you love most in the world, they could tell you the sky is blue and you doubt them. Sadly for him, I did not believe the "I am sorry," and "I love you" for a very long time either. Proven behavior over time. Plus, IC and MC. Sparks post says about it all. Remember, words mean nothing, actions are all that matters.
silktricks Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 (edited) Spark has covered things pretty well. Actions are extremely important. The talking part - the number one thing for me was his willingness to answer any and all questions - and that the answers were consistent not only with each other, and with my memories of what was going on at the time, but also with the actions of the OW. I remember him asking me if I thought I'd ever be able to get over it. I told him I thought I probably could if he could go through what it would take - and that I doubted that he'd be able to. I didn't have a lot of hope that we would survive as a couple, but as I loved him I was willing to put in the work. I'm grateful that we were both able to do what was needed to recover. Edited June 5, 2010 by silktricks
OFGnomore Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Agree with all of the above. The only other posters, I'd have chime in on this are Owl, Bent, and Mad Mission. IMO, they are some of the other mature, clear thinkers on the forum whose opinions are darn good.
OFGnomore Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 This is a really good question! First of all Chris, does your WS want to reconcile with you? Is the A and the OP completely out of the picture? IMO, the WS has to really want to reconcile--they have to want it with all their heart and soul. Their actions will then follow that lead. If their wish to reconcile is genuine, they will instinctively know what to do. You as the BS shouldn't have to tell them. Absolutely on this.
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