SomeSayLove Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 We met about 3 years ago, things were absolutely perfect for the first 1.5 years of our relationship. He moved in after we had been together about 6 months. We got engaged in about a year, and then very shortly after he totally changed. He began to go out to clubs, bars, staying out really late, coming home drunk, and now instead of fixing our problems on the spot, he chose to leave home. For the last year of our relationship things were BAD. He would leave home before I got off work and be gone until 2, 3AM most weekends. Then it turned into 2-3x out of the week he was also out late - 11ish was the norm. I was never invited out with him. I would stay in the house....depressed wondering when the phase would end. We NEVER worked on planning a wedding. I tried every attempt to try to make things work, offers to sit down and talk, dates with him, letters, emails, talks with his family - nothing penetrated him. After finally being frustrated I decided to take to the streets too - on one particular night I stayed out until 5AM. When I got home he was enraged. I told him that I could not and would not sit at home anymore while he was out doing whatever/whomever. I told him that I despised him for who I was turning into and that the focus of our relationship was all wrong. He instead of listening to me and finding my concerns a need to talk - decided to leave...as usual. I left for work the next day and received a call at work from him saying that he had moved out, we were through and that he was sorry for what he had done. I rushed home to find out that he totally trashed my house, had killed my fish that I had had for about 6 years, damaged every appliance I had, removed everything he had ever bought for the house, including removing ALL of the food. Time went on and I forgave him (stupid stupid stupid) and we got back together - he never moved in again. Then after about 6 months of the same old stuff he dumps ME, saying that he was tired of the arguing, that I was too clingy and that he just wanted to enjoy life, that I was wrong for wanting him to be in the house and that it was silly of me to want to go on a date with him because he was "all dated out" and "we would have plenty of time to go on dates after we got married". This relationship finally ended about 4 months ago - after all of the horrible things he did to me - I am still sad over him...I really put my all into it, and held on, and forgave and took way more than I should have. Since our break up he has put up several personal ads online saying he is looking for a serious relationship, and told me that he was dating someone he really cared about. I have been on a few dates, but cannot even think of moving on to someone else because I am still traumatized by everything...will this feeling ever go away? I honestly put my all into this relationship and overnight he changed...
Ilovecake Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Sound like a lot of damage. First of all there is already a major problem with the way you let him treat you. I think you really need to put a lot of serious therapy into finding out why you would let someone walk allover you like that and keep coming back for more. Secondly I will assume that after such a horrible experience what tiny bit of self esteem you had has been stripped away by this guy. You are very right in not getting into another relationship you really need time to yourself to figure a lot of things out. I think with the right guidance and hard work you can put yourself back together. One thing you have to remember is that in order to have an equal and healthy relationship you have to feel equal to the person you are with. You get into a relationship to make you happy not to serve another person. Your significant other should be the icing on the cake of a good life not be your entire existence. I think a lot of people make the mistake of giving themselves over completely to another person and then expect that person to empathize with their hurt, but in reality by giving up your independence and sitting around waiting for a guy who might or might not come home you’re handing over all your power to them. The day that you can be happy being a lone and independent is the day you will be ready to try another relationship, until then you'll just keep repeating the same cycle over and over. I wish you lots of strength and luck. You’ve been through a rough ride.
Author SomeSayLove Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 Thank you for your reply, I appreciate your insight! I ask myself all the time why I allowed it to go on for so long, and I really think it was pressure to finally stop the dating cycle, my wanting to settle down, and really make more of a situation than it really was. I was totally blinded by love and it bit me in the arse There were signs along the way that I should have ended it, and I was just hoping that our relationship would revert to the good ol' days. I'm usually the type to easily dismiss a relationship, but decided to put every effort into making this one work. The problem was, right idea wrong person I believe. Each day I have been getting better and I do not allow him to contact me at all. I'm glad I found this website, everyone seems to be able to relate and share helpful advice!
Ilovecake Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 We've all been there. I kick myself in the butt for the things I put up with for the sake of being loved but this time I am determined to learn from my past and not repeat it. I am no longer going to make settling down with someone a priority, if it happens great if it doesn't I'll make my life as happy and fulfilling as I possibly can. For me I think that’s the only way I’ll be able to really take those red flags to heart. It’s amazing the things we choose to ignore and the excuses we make for other people’s bad behaviors towards us all out of the fear of being alone. Once you no longer fear the possibility of not being attached you take all your power back, they can not hold abandonment over your head.
davisc123 Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 My ex went into our relationship having just come out of a long term relationship with a guy like yours. I heard some horror stories and in the beginning had to be there for her a lot.Your situation might not be quite as bad giving what you posted, but definitely displays similarities. These guys are the worst, and it sounds as if you have been the victim of psychological abuse. I wonder if you told your family etc about the way he behaved (wrecking the house)? If not its probably because you were too scared for one reason or another. But believe me the people who really love you deserve to know and will protect you best.As the other poster says you dont necessarily need to go out and find somebody new straight away, you could probably benifit from being on your own and finding your own two feet. But as soon as a genuinely decent guy comes along you'll wonder why you wasted your time and became so dependant on someone like your ex. In short, he is an a**hole.
Inigo Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 I know exactly how you feel.....it's hard when you put your all into someone and the results aren't what you want. I don't know how long those behaviors were going on but you have to look at it this way - would you really want to marry into that?? That probably would have been your life 2, 4 5 years down the road. The guy killed your FISH!! Love is blind and color blind at that - I never saw the obvious red flags and mine were obvious....you can read my thread above yours.... I promise that things will eventually get better - moving on is an effort of time and one day it'll all just disappear but in the meantime you have to work on keeping yourself busy and reversing whatever negative thought patterns you have about yourself and about that relationship.
Eeyore79 Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 He is a complete sicko if he felt the need to hurt a defenceless animal. You are well rid of him.
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