ellroyfan Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 I'll try to keep this short. I have this girl I've been seeing for about a year. We moved in together about five months ago. I'm 36, she's 22. I have a job that allows me to work from home. She doesn't seem to understand that even though I work from home, I need to WORK. She's always coming in and asking me what I'm doing, etc. and when I don't acknowledge her or kiss her, she gets offended. Not pissed, mind you, just acts upset. I usually take breaks or a late lunch and we watch TV for about two hours during the day, and then just make up the time by getting up early in the morning. Lately, I've been more busy and I can't do that; my job is just that way...sometimes I'm slammed, sometimes I have slack off time. I explained to her that if I worked in an office, she wouldn't see me all DAY, but that doesn't seem to register. She has a part time job (~15 hours a week), so she has a lot of idle time. It's just frustrating to try to explain to her that I have a career and I'm not here to be her entertainment. I don't want to sound paternal, but I sometimes I feel like I have to to make a point to her. Any suggestions? Thanks.
brainygirl Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 "I'm 36, she's 22" There's your answer. why is she living with you and working part time instead on in college or working? You let a child move in, now you don't want to be her parent. Tell her to get out of the house and get to school or get a job. She's wasting her life sitting around your house, enjoying your furniture, eating your groceries. How can you expect her to act like a responsible grown up when you've made it possible for her to be an eternal child?
marsle85 Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Someone needs a hobby. Encourage her to go out with her friends, or knit a scarf.
Author ellroyfan Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 Well, in my desire to shorten my post, I left out a few details: She is a student, she's going to be going to grad school in the Fall. She's just off right now, b/c she graduated in December. She has a job, and doesn't see the point in getting a full-time one due to the fact she'll be starting grad school at the end of August. Also, she took a part time job b/c when she graduated, she looked for full time and no one was hiring. Now, on the hobbies/friends front, I can agree with you there. She likes to read at random, but other than that, she pretty much watches TV (A LOT). She really doesn't have any friends she hangs out with - she thinks all women her age are catty/stupid. As to the live with me and be a sponge thing...we didn't move in together until about five mos. ago. We had our own places and decided it be cheaper to live together; she was over at my place all the time anyway, pretty much since we started dating. I did pay for pretty much everything until we moved in together. Now we split the rent and groceries. I pay the utilities, b/c she had a part time job, then got fired, wasn't working for a few months, then got another part time job. She had some money squirreled away, but she's pretty much went through that, so now she just has enough to pay 1/2 the rent and groceries and her own CC bills. So it isn't like she isn't contributing financially.
TaurusTerp Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 As I see it, your only choice is to sit her down repeatedly and drill it into her (no puns intended) that she is not to bother you during the day. Refrain from ultimatums....unless she just won't leave you alone. Then it's probably time for the if you can't do this, I need you to move out talk.
aqlp Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 I think it will get better when she goes back to school it can be hard to juggle being a full time student and a job at the same time, and you'll be able to work while she is at school especially if you can make your own hours if it allows. Is your door open or shut while you work? Try saying that if the door is shut you are really busy and maybe nock if something important comes up and then leave it open on slow days?
ADF Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 The problem is your 14 year age difference. You're an adult; she's not that far out of high school. She doesn't graps the reality of the adult work world. You're dating a woman who too young for you, who doesn't understand the facts of adult life. Frankly, I am not sure what you can do. People taht age don't learn this stuff overnight.
Author ellroyfan Posted June 7, 2010 Author Posted June 7, 2010 Yeah, I keep thinking it will get better when she goes back to school, too. Problem is that I'd have to move to find that out...she's going away to school and we've talked that I'd move with her. My concern, at this point, is that I'm going to move, and it ISN'T going to get better... The move is the other rub...since she hasn't been working/doesn't make all that much $$$, she's kind of assumed that I'm going to be paying for whatever deposit/moving/rental expenses to get us relocated...the intent would be that she would pay me back once she gets her student loans a few months after. I don't have any concern that she won't pay me back, I'm just kind of pissed that I feel like I'm having to "parent" her again, paying for her expenses/providing her a way that she can move without having to move back home. Am I really asking too much maturity from her at her age, at this point? I remember when I was 21 and I moved out and was going to school with NO ONE helping me (parents or otherwise)...not to mention I was busting my ass at that age, doing a job that had the responsibilities of someone twice my age...maybe I'm just being shortsighted in my comparison?
brainygirl Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Yeah, I keep thinking it will get better when she goes back to school, too. Problem is that I'd have to move to find that out...she's going away to school and we've talked that I'd move with her. My concern, at this point, is that I'm going to move, and it ISN'T going to get better... The move is the other rub...since she hasn't been working/doesn't make all that much $$$, she's kind of assumed that I'm going to be paying for whatever deposit/moving/rental expenses to get us relocated...the intent would be that she would pay me back once she gets her student loans a few months after. I don't have any concern that she won't pay me back, I'm just kind of pissed that I feel like I'm having to "parent" her again, paying for her expenses/providing her a way that she can move without having to move back home. Am I really asking too much maturity from her at her age, at this point? I remember when I was 21 and I moved out and was going to school with NO ONE helping me (parents or otherwise)...not to mention I was busting my ass at that age, doing a job that had the responsibilities of someone twice my age...maybe I'm just being shortsighted in my comparison? No, she's immature and using you as a meal ticket. I was taking care of myself, my little brothers and my child when I was her age. You were responsible when you were her age. I've seen women who as young adults lived with older men. They are still dependent on someone to take care of them. She could work two part time jobs and save money. She could be volunteering at summer school or summer food programs run by public schools, she could be taking a few online summer classes. She's young, its summer, why isn't she doing something with herself besides watching TV? I think you need to talk to her about doing more to save money or at least contribute to society and stay productive if she's going to be living with you.
vicssea Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Beccuase she is 22 and you are 36! Sorry but at 22 I would absolutely expect this. All you can do is have a talk with her and explain your need for work time. Maybe suggest this would be a great time for her to study, shop, excercise, etc., etc I am 36 and can honestly say that at 22 I was clingy too!! Not anymore
that girl Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 At first I was going to say this is a temporary problem and you could just say you have to buckle down for the summer. But the real issue seems to be the gap in your ages and experience. You’re a guy in your mid 30s who started dating a woman who was a college senior. That is an enormous gap, way more than 25 and 39 would have been. I’m not so sure she’s taking advantage of you, a lot of 22 year olds killing time before going to grad school would likely be living in a super cheap apartment just hanging out but she is contributing half of the rent on your likely more expensive apartment. But it is possible she is because one of the reasons some women date older is that they want to be taken care of. The bottom line is that you are dating someone who isn’t established career wise and that likely will mean you will end up having to spend more if you don’t want to live in typical grad school poverty. It is either you go down to her financial level or you pay the difference. Or you break up.
Els Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Sorry to say this, but what did you expect when you dated a woman 14 years younger than you? That she'd split everything 50/50 and pull her weight like a complete equal when she's a student and you've worked for over a decade? Next time you date, you might wanna consider someone closer to your own age/income level if you mind terribly much that you're being a 'parent'.
jen_r Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Yeah, I keep thinking it will get better when she goes back to school, too. Problem is that I'd have to move to find that out...she's going away to school and we've talked that I'd move with her. My concern, at this point, is that I'm going to move, and it ISN'T going to get better... The move is the other rub...since she hasn't been working/doesn't make all that much $$$, she's kind of assumed that I'm going to be paying for whatever deposit/moving/rental expenses to get us relocated...the intent would be that she would pay me back once she gets her student loans a few months after. I don't have any concern that she won't pay me back, I'm just kind of pissed that I feel like I'm having to "parent" her again, paying for her expenses/providing her a way that she can move without having to move back home. Am I really asking too much maturity from her at her age, at this point? I remember when I was 21 and I moved out and was going to school with NO ONE helping me (parents or otherwise)...not to mention I was busting my ass at that age, doing a job that had the responsibilities of someone twice my age...maybe I'm just being shortsighted in my comparison? Me and my boyfriend went through the SAME thing when we lived together. He had a full time job, I worked part-time and went to school. But I payed for all utilities and groceries and he payed all of the rent. He would constantly tell me I wasn't contributing enough, but I was doing the best I could and bills were getting paid. My parents give/gave me everything, his parents give/gave him nothing....he couldn't comprehend how nonchalant I was about life. It's hard, but once she graduates she willll be working full time.Things just take time to fall into place.
Author ellroyfan Posted June 7, 2010 Author Posted June 7, 2010 Thanks to all for the replies - especially to Elswyth for being so "direct". As an aside, we don't live in an extravagant apartment, nor would we be moving into one. In fact, we currently live in the same complex she did with her ex--he's moved to the other side of town--just in a larger apartment. I'm not upset about the amount of $$$ she has/makes at all. My frustration arises from the fact that she just assumed that I was going to pay for everything when we moved. She didn't bring up that she'd have to pay me back until the point we were looking for places to live and she nonchalantly says, "Oh, I just figured I'd pay you back once we were relocated". Which is where the me "feeling like she's being childish/me having to parent" was coming from. As to the primary issue I started in this thread, I don't think I'm asking too much of her to leave me alone while I work/not pout when things don't go her way/chip in with the housework without having to be asked. If she was 13, I'd agree, but at 23 (she'll be 23 in July), no way. Looks like it is time for a very direct conversation for the two of us...
torranceshipman Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 I'll try to keep this short. I have this girl I've been seeing for about a year. We moved in together about five months ago. I'm 36, she's 22. I have a job that allows me to work from home. She doesn't seem to understand that even though I work from home, I need to WORK. She's always coming in and asking me what I'm doing, etc. and when I don't acknowledge her or kiss her, she gets offended. Not pissed, mind you, just acts upset. I usually take breaks or a late lunch and we watch TV for about two hours during the day, and then just make up the time by getting up early in the morning. Lately, I've been more busy and I can't do that; my job is just that way...sometimes I'm slammed, sometimes I have slack off time. I explained to her that if I worked in an office, she wouldn't see me all DAY, but that doesn't seem to register. She has a part time job (~15 hours a week), so she has a lot of idle time. It's just frustrating to try to explain to her that I have a career and I'm not here to be her entertainment. I don't want to sound paternal, but I sometimes I feel like I have to to make a point to her. Any suggestions? Thanks. Sorry dude but this is what happens when you date a 22 yr old. She is just acting her age.
torranceshipman Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Plus this, for me, is a huge red flag: 'She really doesn't have any friends she hangs out with - she thinks all women her age are catty/stupid.' A woman that can't relate to other women is bad news in my book.
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