cutebug Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 So I have been dating someone for 7 months exclusively. We had talked about living together at one point but he had too much going on (taking care of elderly parent) and put it on hold. He has a 13 yr old daughter. Sees her 2-3 times a week (only 1 overnite) so his time with her is pretty limited. In the 7 months, I have met her one time. The meeting seemed to go well, she was polite, etc. I have a 5 yr old son. My b/f has a good relationship with him yet he won't bring his daughter around. Says at 13 he does not want to "force" her. He says he considers our relationship serious, not casual, yet he has to take it day-by-day because she is a teenager and not interested in getting to know me and my son, only interested in what she wants to do, and of course the care of his mother. I think relationships should be based on compromise. If we are going to have a long-term relationship (which he claims to want) then I should get to know his daughter better and vice versa. He strikes me as the ultimate people pleaser - like in the past when I have suggested something, he says he'll ask her ... instead of just saying "tonite we're going to do this". I'm not sure what I'm asking ... part of me thinks maybe I should just move on. I'm not expecting for the 4 of us (us and kids) do something all the time he has her but I also don't think it's unrealistic to spend time together getting to know each other better 1-2X a month. Thoughts?
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 yet he has to take it day-by-day because she is a teenager and not interested in getting to know me and my son Are you certain that is how she feels, or could it be some projection on your man's part? I only ask because my exH was like this with his girlfriend and our 13 year old daughter. He assumed that our daughter was not going to like his girlfriend, and he felt guilty being with another woman - he thought that our daughter was going to think he was trying to 'replace mom'. It took months of me chewing on his arse to get him to take our daughter around her and spend time with her. When he did, what happened was what I thought would happen - they got along great and my daughter just said the other day that she would be happy if her dad married his girlfriend. I'm just as thrilled - I his girlfriend and think she is awesome. I guess it helps to have that sort of support. It was never our daughter that was the issue - it was his own residual feelings of guilt, etc and projection. I can't help but wonder if the same is going on here. Now that said, is her mother on board with him dating? That might throw a wrench if she isn't supportive of it. Kids tend to be easily swayed by unsaid things between parents.
Author cutebug Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 You pretty much nailed it. Guilt on his part ... sees her so little and he's convinced in a few years (or less) she isn't going to want to come around, will just want to hang with her friends so doesn't want her to feel like spending time with me is more important than spending time with her ... feels like when he has her, his focus should be entirely on her. Plus the one time we did meet, it was at my apartment and she was uncomfortable, which I knew she would be ... I think for him seeing her uncomfortable was tough. I just kind of described it to him that it's like going on a first date with someone you don't know ... so busy trying to not say the wrong thing, not knowing what to say, etc. So at this point we are still planning on doing some things together as a "family" but agreed to do it on a more neutral territory (going somewhere rather than being at his house or my house). Are you certain that is how she feels, or could it be some projection on your man's part? I only ask because my exH was like this with his girlfriend and our 13 year old daughter. He assumed that our daughter was not going to like his girlfriend, and he felt guilty being with another woman - he thought that our daughter was going to think he was trying to 'replace mom'. It was never our daughter that was the issue - it was his own residual feelings of guilt, etc and projection. I can't help but wonder if the same is going on here. Now that said, is her mother on board with him dating? That might throw a wrench if she isn't supportive of it. Kids tend to be easily swayed by unsaid things between parents.
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