Don't want the weekend to come. Tips on coping?

[Silly_Girl]

Okay, my MM is clearly my xMM. I'm used to being in touch with him every day, am upset because he bailed on me the day he was due to move out... well, said he didn't think he wanted to leave his marriage (greedy bar-steward still wanted me though ), am upset and just don't want to go home to a massive 2 day, 3 evening stint of nothingness and depression.

 

Am at work doing work I should have completed Wednesday but I've been in a daze for a whole week now.

 

I know I need to keep busy, but there's times I've literally wailed into my pillow to let some of it out. I don't want my son seeing me like that, he saw some horrible things with my ex and I want to minimise what he sees this time.

 

What else can I do? I'm going for walks and playing golf and watching movies with my lad. Gardening etc. Staying off the wine (my usual method for sleeping when anxious) to prevent drunk texting. But I'm doing it on auto-pilot and feel like running away! If I'm honest all I want to do write now is send him an email; subject: I Love You. I won't, I can't, I can't stoop that low, but that's what I FEEL like doing. I've come a fair way, perspective-wise, and I know it will take time, etc etc ect. But short of handcuffing myself to a lamppost in the street, how do I keep strong enough not to contact him, or not to constantly break down in tears of self-pity? Thank you for anything that might help!! I promise, I really am trying to get a grip x

[ladydesigner]

Do you have a gym? Work out, rent movies, definitely call and go out with friends, read a great book, take your son somewhere fun and exciting.

 

Distract. Distract. Distract

 

Keep thinking of how great your life is and is going to be.

 

Journaling helps too.

 

You can always post here;)

 

Here's to hoping you have a great weekend with no thoughts of XMM (well let's be realistic, less thoughts of XMM:D)

[Mombot]

Have you cried your heart out yet? Really let it go? Grieve, it is a loss.

[marilyn80]

I'm glad I saw this thread. I won't be much encouragement because I'm in the same boat as you, SG - as far as not looking forward to the weekend. How sucky is that? My coworkers kept saying TGIF today, and I just wanted say hurry up Monday. I keep telling myself that the pain won't be this intense one day and that I will enjoy my weekends again. I also think of how miserable I'd be with MM and all his insanity. At least you have a child to be with. I have no one. No matter what you are going through, someone has it worse. I think about that sometimes and it takes the focus off myself for a while.

[luname84]

get help.

from what i understand this guy is married right?

If i understood correctly, he's a son of bitch. He SWORE to love and respect this woman, he SWORE to love her forever and he SWORE it in front of their whole family.But he broke that promise. now think about it, if he broke that promise he made in front of god, what makes you think he won't brake a promise he made to you in bed?

he wouldn't be much better to you, so you are better off without him.

i say get help because the only way to stop loving him is to start loving your self.If you loved your self you would not be with a married man,because you'd know YOU ARE BETTER THEN THAT! you don't need to be with someone elses husband when you are worth having your own. But something inside tells you you're not good enough...and that something is LYING because you are.

If you're a reader i'd recomend "the mastery of love" by Don Miguel Ruiz or "facing co-dependence" by Pia mellody. keeping busy isn't enough, taking this time to look inside your self, to grow and learn what real love is will make you feel SOOOO much better. besides, the best way to get back at the son of a bitch is to be happier and better with out him.

[Silly_Girl]

Have you cried your heart out yet? Really let it go? Grieve, it is a loss.

 

Yes, had a couple of days of 'wailing'. Which I needed. Then I felt exhausted after! It is definitely a loss. I had more contact with him than with my best friend, for that to suddenly stop, dead... and then the realising the future doesn't look at all like I had thought for 3 months that it would. Yes, it feels lke a grief.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm glad I saw this thread. I won't be much encouragement because I'm in the same boat as you, SG - as far as not looking forward to the weekend. How sucky is that? My coworkers kept saying TGIF today, and I just wanted say hurry up Monday. I keep telling myself that the pain won't be this intense one day and that I will enjoy my weekends again. I also think of how miserable I'd be with MM and all his insanity. At least you have a child to be with. I have no one. No matter what you are going through, someone has it worse. I think about that sometimes and it takes the focus off myself for a while.

 

Oh god yes. Everyone's so pleased and yet I felt as though I would be better off just sitting at my desk the whole time, rather than having to make decisions and having time to think etc. And you're right, I am lucky to have my son. We did some chores and watched tv last. I've lost some weight through upset and it's made me think about getting in to the fitness routine I seemed to have lost, so we're going to play some badminton and go on a bike ride. I don't want to do anything. I want to sit in the garden behind sunglasses and cry and cry and cry. Hugs to you Marilyn. x

[Silly_Girl]

get help.

from what i understand this guy is married right?

If i understood correctly, he's a son of bitch. He SWORE to love and respect this woman, he SWORE to love her forever and he SWORE it in front of their whole family.But he broke that promise. now think about it, if he broke that promise he made in front of god, what makes you think he won't brake a promise he made to you in bed?

he wouldn't be much better to you, so you are better off without him.

i say get help because the only way to stop loving him is to start loving your self.If you loved your self you would not be with a married man,because you'd know YOU ARE BETTER THEN THAT! you don't need to be with someone elses husband when you are worth having your own. But something inside tells you you're not good enough...and that something is LYING because you are.

If you're a reader i'd recomend "the mastery of love" by Don Miguel Ruiz or "facing co-dependence" by Pia mellody. keeping busy isn't enough, taking this time to look inside your self, to grow and learn what real love is will make you feel SOOOO much better. besides, the best way to get back at the son of a bitch is to be happier and better with out him.

 

I do see your point, but things are shades of grey, sadly. His wife had an affair, moved out, and then refused to get counselling or discuss the issues and merely came back. And things got worse, so yes, he IS a cheat, but it's not cut and dried.

 

You're so right about the revenge!! I know from experience he will see nothing in his future to make him happy. He will be miserable now. He has no kids, just one hobby that matters to him. I am trying to cling to the thought that I DO have things to look forward to (only works sometimes but it'll come), that I will be very happy in the future (because I'm not trapped in a sexless, superficial marriage) and that I can hold my head high and move on.

 

It's just time I guess. Tears come sometimes and I just don't seem to be able to control them. I'll consider the book. I don't feel ready for anything like that right now, but maybe that is all the more reason for me to read it.

[Silly_Girl]

And now it's here. Am in bed. Have checked my emails, FB, this forum, and phone. Ignored 2 calls from my mum. And now I just want to lay down and cry. I won't. I am going to do a bit of gardening. Plan my day with my son. But I just want to wallow and right now it feels as though I will never get over this. And I'm finding it hard not to write him an email or send a text.

 

Right. The lawn beckons. I WILL get through to Monday...

[silverplanets]

Hi SG,

 

My tips on coping are simple - you do WHATEVER you need to in order to get to Monday semi-intact. That's it .. there are no other rules at this time.

 

Later on maybe you try and achieve more with your weekends so that you can be thankful it's friday ... but right now, you just go with what you've got.

 

You have a son and that is great. Not sure if you have a car or not, but if you do what about just driving somewhere with him and doing something. Could be the cinema, the beach, some pointless shopping ... anything ..it doesn't matter ... and yes, you may zone out and be constantly thinking of xMM whilst doing this, but it doesn't matter ... you are doing something.

 

Not sure what age your son is, but if relevant, spend an evening cuddling him to sleep ... I never regretted spending even more time with my daughter whilst in the hardest stages of mourning xMW.

 

If you can do it then switch the pc off .. unplug the bugger ! Watch DVD's, walk down the shop and buy some chocolate, snacks etc.

 

You're naturally going to feel slighly "spaced" and that things are un-real all weekend .. (in fact probaby for a few weeks) ... there is NOTHING you can do about that ... it's just a consequence of where you are right now and what you've just had taken away from you.

 

You'll also be emotional .. there's no way around it ... you just need to be understanding to yourself as you go through it.

 

if you can switch the mobile off then do that as well ... trust me the world is not going to stop.

 

The main thing is, take it easy on yourself, don't beat yourself up about not being able to go straight out there and party /get over it .. life has whacked you with a big one ... it doesn't mean you're down and out but it's bound to have shaken you.

 

You have loads of advantages in all this - you are strong (you've already proved that) , you do respect yourself (you've proved that as well), you have a lovely son and you (hopefully) have your health ... These things may not seem like much right now, but over the coming days/weeks at some point they WILL start to mean more.

 

Personally I didn't drink at all during this period ... I jsut couldn't see the point, but each is different I suppose.

 

Your only job this weekend is to survive this "first" weekend .. after that you'll at least know you can.

 

If you are alone and angry/sad at times then try journalling, poetry, drawing .. whatever works for you to just get it down on paper and out of your head.

 

Finally, and I know this doesn't help at all, understand that you have looked after your son's needs by standing up for yourself. You have saved exposing him to any more of someone else's issues - and you should be proud of that. Mum being sad for a while will have less effect on him than watching mum be dragged to pieces for the next few years.

 

You are strong, resourceful, creative and have been through worse than this .... so just hang in there whilst the initial crap part washes over you.

 

You;ll still be standing when it's done and then you can begin to really move ahead.

 

And smile, just for 5 mins, just to prove to yourself you can :)

 

Be safe

Chris

 

ps:lots of crying is, of course, compulsory !! and doesn't mean anything, other than something hurt you.

[Silly_Girl]

Fab post SP!! I didn't reply when I read it because I couldn't see myself in there, couldn't see me coping.

 

I have actually felt unwell today (as opposed to generally rubbish due to being emotional) and wasted most of the day. Spent some time in the garden, but also dozed a little (I can normally never sleep in the day) and then we played a quite par 3 round of golf and are watching a movie at nine.

 

I do think though, this is bigger to me than I realised. The other things I've been through, yes, definitely a bigger deal when you look at the facts, but in many ways this has thrown me more. And then I'm angry with myself a) for leaving myself so open to this happening and b) that I can't just "get over it" as easily as I should. I keep thinking 'Time, time will heal this...'. I was with someone for 8 years and had no issue at never seeing him again, but the thought of a day without MM in my life, I hate it. So am not yet thinking weeks or months. Just today, I accept I won't be in touch with him today and then tomorrow when I wake I'll force myself to accept there will be no MM between getting up and going to bed that day either.

 

SP, my son is 13 and luckily on school hols so we have had some late night comedy watching sessions and he has 'accidentally' crashed in with me (something that will invariably happen on holidays) because he's fallen asleep watching tv, and just having him there, watching him sleep, wow, it's really helped me so much.

 

I've been a bit of a mardy cow with him though, today. Just snappy and distracted. Had to apologise twice. He thinks it's because I'm a little bit poorly. Bless him.

 

That's Saturday nearly got through. I feel empty and lost and low and so badly want to contact MM, see how he is - how daft.

 

I wrote him an email today. Sent it to myself. Then changed it a bit, and sent it to myself again. There were a few revisions. But I never once sent it to him.

[MorningCoffee]

I wrote him an email today. Sent it to myself. Then changed it a bit, and sent it to myself again. There were a few revisions. But I never once sent it to him.

That sounds like a good technique.

 

A more expansive version might be the one John Gray offers in his book Starting Over. I found the exercise very helpful.

 

It's called a "feel better letters" exercise. First, you write a letter (not to be sent) to the lost love (whether by death, divorce, breakup, or whatever, doesn't matter) and express your feelings. To help, there's a series of prompts. (I feel angry that . . . ; I feel afraid that . . . ; I wish that . . . ; etc.) You write out these out and complete them until there's nothing left to say (that day).

 

After a day or so, you write the lost love's reply to yourself, in his/her voice, you address each of the letter's concerns, and give yourself the words you would like to hear from the lost love. (I am sorry that . . . ; I understand that . . . ; etc.) Then you put that aside a day or so.

 

Third, you write a closing letter to the lost love again, to thank him/her for the expressions, love, explanation, reassurance or whatever you got in the second letter, and close it out.

 

Once you have the three, the final recommended step is to read them out loud. Repeatedly until the pain is manageable, and the words do not cause a flood of emotions.

 

It took several readings, often over a span of a few days or a week or two, before I could get through the reading out loud without emotions overwhelming me . . . but eventually, I could.

 

I have done this both when I was widowed a few years ago, and more recently, when the end of my love affair devastated me. I do not remember anything else from the book, but this exercise stuck with me and helped a lot. Maybe it will help you, too.

[Silly_Girl]

Oh. Just read your reply, and reading it made me cry!!! The thought of writing what he might write me back has me sobbing.

 

But I can definitely see how it could help. Especially as I am having trouble accepting he won't come back to me.

 

Thank you.

[silverplanets]

Oh. Just read your reply, and reading it made me cry!!! The thought of writing what he might write me back has me sobbing.

 

But I can definitely see how it could help. Especially as I am having trouble accepting he won't come back to me.

 

Thank you.

 

SG - if you made it through the weekend then you did great !!

 

Hope things have been as good as they can be since

 

Chris

[Silly_Girl]

SG - if you made it through the weekend then you did great !!

 

Hope things have been as good as they can be since

 

Chris

 

Thank you!

 

Erm... I sent him an email yesterday. But I don't feel unhappy about it. In it I forgave him, told him I was happy that we'd met and wished him luck.

I absolutely wanted to get certain things off my chest and a friend recommended I wait, but I just thought that was prolonging it. Holding on to the whole situation. Waiting (looking forward?) to contacting him. I am someone that once I have something to say if I don't say it, it festers. So I have said it and I feel cleaner for it.

 

I think of 'them' (MM and wife) more, and 'us' less. Out of an average week I wasn't his primary relationship even 50% of the time in terms of who he spent his time with, so for him to have been my 100% is a little sad.

 

I realise I don't envy their relationship and I don't want it. I think the emotional affairs will be a big cycle for them and they have not unwittingly trapped themselves in their marriage. They're not 'the sort' to get divorced I suspect, and I'm such a romantic, I could never live my life like that, just going through the motions.

 

I miss him, would LOVE to speak to him, but in a way am starting to feel more 'whole'. Missing someone THAT MUCH takes a lot of time and effort, and I didn't realise until the last 24-48 hours just how much he was my focus without me meaning him to be. I think it was because we were building to this magical 'happy ending' and the closer we got the more intense things became.

 

But I am sleeping 6 hours a night most nights, no longer waking up crying. I'm wearing my bestest foxy work clothes again, and am going to get my hair cut because that always helps!!!

 

I'd take him back instantly if he showed up, available, on my doorstep; but he won't ever do that so there's no point pining and I shall keep trying to keep myself busy.

[califnan]

 

 

I realise I don't envy their relationship and I don't want it. I think the emotional affairs will be a big cycle for them and they have not unwittingly trapped themselves in their marriage. They're not 'the sort' to get divorced I suspect, and I'm such a romantic, I could never live my life like that, just going through the motions.

 

.

 

------------------

 

You are getting there when you realize that you don't envy their relationship..

 

Also take happiness in that a whole complete woman such as you - are no longer the putty for their marriage..

 

Continue to cherish your priority - your son .. he's growing up ..

[Hazyhead]

Hi Silly (I don't think you're 'silly' at all), I just read your thread for the first time and just wanted to send you some hugs. How are you holding up?

 

It's a horrible, seemingly hopeless, situation that you are in but I promise you it will improve. That need to write and project your feelings on to him in the hope that he'll scoop you up and tell you everything will be okay will pass. Everybody's right, you do deserve better than being there to be picked up when it pleases him when the rest of the time he spends with his wife. If you have made it clear to him that being his OW is not enough for you and yet he's still there then for the sake of yourself, back away. He may love you but he's comfortable with life and not willing to take the steps necessary to save what you have. I'm so sorry. Maybe make a list of what you would change about him - you might surprise yourself! (Yes, I know, we shouldn't want to change those we love but there will be something that irks you )

 

Just a few months ago I was where you are and I already feel better. Time heals. I know it seems like a few months without him is so much right now, but the days will become easier and as you begin to enjoy life again without him every day will feel like an achievement. At first, to ease the need to write, I started a blog (there are a few good blogging sites that are really easy to use) and it really helped me to express my feelings. I even had some that used it for comfort and wrote to me to thank me for showing them they were not alone! LS is great too; keep posting. As for your time, just fill it as best you can: call your friends and meet up; go to the gym (exercise is a great tension reliever - I'm quite a fan of body combat and boxercise now!); enjoy days out with your son, maybe even get away. When you need to, cry. I did so, weeping in my bed until I had a headache, but then I got up and did something to distract myself which helped to pull me out of it.

 

Stay strong and don't settle for less than you deserve. You will get over him if he can't offer you what you want.

 

(((((SG)))))

[Silly_Girl]

Thank you for a lovely post!!! In fact, people have been so kind and given the situation and 'stigma' etc I just didn't know how warm posters would be.

 

I had a 6 hour meeting at work today, and I felt totally like ME through a good part of it, then returned to my desk, saw he hadn't emailed, and promptly burst in to tears!! But it's right. No contact, ever again, is what's right. But it hurts. Just like walking away was right, but the hardest route.

 

A friend of mine has been trying to convince me that another guy will come along and offer me as much as MM did, but be a better fit for me. And she knows me quite well. She always felt it was a great emotional connection, but that he just didn't have enough 'get up and go' for me; how very apt that turned out to be!!!!

 

I was emailing her about how I forgive MM, and although HOW he dealt with me at the end stank, I don't feel bitter about his choice. I was married, I married my best friend and we were too young. Had my son. Quite early on in the marriage we had a drunken, but loving exchange and agreed we'd probably made a mistake and acted too quickly. 4 years later I felt most of what we had had died. I remember telling my mum 'I think it's over' and for 12 more months I worked at it, tried to find joint interests, tried to see things differently, tried all sorts of things. But a year later I decided I couldn't try any more. Husband and I cried solidly for two days together, and talked and held each other, but we knew we couldn't/shouldn't be together.

 

I still believe MM and I belong together, and would have been so happy, but how can I be angry if he decided he wasn't ready to leave. A line from his email:

 

"I need to be sure, absolutely 100% positive in my own mind that me are [Wife] are over, before I can be honest with you and say it’s [MM] and [sG], forever. So many times already I’ve made promises and broken them, and seen how much hurt it causes you. I don’t want to do that. When I say it, I want to mean it, and commit to it. And while I have even the smallest residual feelings for [Wife] I find that hard. That is what I am really struggling with, because it stops me making a 100% commitment to us."

 

I can't be cross with him really. He's not been in touch and I really hope he is working on his marriage. I walked away from mine feeling so guilty, it took me 5 years to stop beating myself up, but at least I felt I personally had persevered as much as I personally could.

 

I respect his decision (NOW!!), but wish he'd dealt with it differently at the end, or that he'd been available when we met.

 

I miss the contact and that shelter I valued of 'us', and of all the wonderful things we did together and things we planned, but I appreciate that, as you say, it gets easier. I will get over it. Thank you.