Making it tough for myself?

[Overall]

Hi guys, having read a lot of posts here, I guess I know what the answers will be, but here goes anyway.

 

My wife confessed to a six month affair a few weeks ago & we're working to see if we can recover our marriage. The affair started on a trip with girlfriends to Spain (we're in the UK), and she has now ended the affair.

 

We're both struggling with our feelings & don't know what we want. We have an 11-year old son & don't want to just kick the marriage into touch without fully exploring whether we can save it. I'm expecting a brigade of posts to say "she cheated - file for divorce today", and that may be the outcome, but I'm trying to see if there is another way. I do still love her, though I'm not so keen on what she's done.

 

Anyway, back to the subject line. I've always tried to keep my wife happy by putting her first, but didn't succeed (in making her happy). I was brought up by parents who show little emotion & I've been too distant from her, learning from my parents how to behave in a marriage. That set the scene for the affair where she found what was missing in our marriage.

 

The same group of girls are heading back to the same place in Spain next week, and my wife is planning on going. Yes, I'm in bits. She's in bits too, and says she'd like some time with her friends away from the stresses of home. I've been made aware of the culture at this place though, there are lots of groups of guys & groups of girls flirting & (in the case of my wife last year) meeting people who are ready for an affair.

 

Now, this has shaken her up so much that my head says she wouldn't do it again. She wouldn't get it on with anyone else, even if we were split up. She doesn't need any extra emotional complications, or physical, come to that. So, my head's okay with her going, but my heart's in bits. I know I'll be feeling pretty bad while she's away for four nights. At the moment she's asked me what she should do. I know it'll help her to be away, so I've said go, but I think I should be looking after my own feelings more.

 

Been reading the posts about the guy's wife who's buying sexy underware for a cruise (Girl's week), which sets me thinking too. Actually the thinking is OK for me - that's my head working, it's just the imagining that I don't like.

[Doing it Since '78]

Bro,

 

I dont understand how you could agree to her going back to the same place where she was cheating, would you take a recovering dope fiend to a poppy field?

[bentnotbroken]

She isn't putting you and your feelings first. She knows this is a trigger point for you. If she needs to get away from the stresses of home, it should be with you to reconnect. She is wrong!

[Disintegration]

I would strongly suggest that you do not allow her to go to the same place where her affair began. You already know you can't trust her. Who's to say she won't fall to temptation again, either with the same person or a new one? She shouldn't put herself in vulnerable positions. Going back there is only asking for trouble. She was unfaithful to you and she is the one that needs to help repair the marriage she helped to destroy. Not running away from her problems but tackling them head on.

 

I don't think because there is a certain aspect of a marriage that is missing that there should be some validation for cheating. She could have spoken to you about how she was feeling and what needed improvement. Counseling might have helped.

 

If you truly feel uncomfortable with her going don't let her. If anything you should go on a trip together to try and rebuild your marital as well as your family life.

 

I'd be the first to say divorce that lying cheater but if you really want to make it work then you both have to try at it.

[reboot]

I'm all for trying to save a marriage.

 

This isn't the way to do it.

 

Revisiting the scene of the crime should be out of the question.

[benmac360]

OP, if your wife sincerely wanted your marriage to heal from this betrayal, she would certainly not want to go back to the same place where it all began. The only feeling that's keeping her around is guilt. Don't let her point the finger at you! She is the one that destroyed your trust!

 

If I were you I would focus on your son and yourself now - your wife's head is way up her ass if she's definitely going back to Spain. Get some individual counseling, start working out (if you don't already) to release the anger, consult a lawyer and start making plans to have a life without her. That way you regain a sense of control in your life. Don't bother trying to work it out with her - she will just betray you again.

[2sunny]

IF your wife is intent on making the marriage work - she wouldn't be planning a vacation to the place where she knows she'll find temptation, again.

 

when the words don't equal the actions - there is no intention of what the words say.

 

she should be spending her time and energy focused soley in repairing the damage she caused in the marriage - not planning time away with friends. this shows she's not putting the M at top priority.

 

where is YOUR boundary? tell her NO! IF she's still intent on going - you have your answer that she isn't invested in saving the M.

 

are you two doing counseling? what are her actions showing you at home - is she changing to show she is willing to do anything to make the M work? or is she disconnected and doing her own thing?

 

if the M is top priority - she should be showing you that your feelings are being considered above anyone else - and that doesn't include going on a trip like this now with the girls... seems like a disaster looming... for YOU. tell her NO!

[Spark1111]

Overall, I know you want to take the high road here.

 

But if it is too soon, it is too soon.

 

And you need to tell her that.

 

Say it kindly. Tell her, while you do not like being the bad guy, you are not comfortable with this.

 

Tell her, maybe next year, depending on how you are feeling.

 

Maybe you two can go away together instead.

[RedDevil66]

A few things, you cannot make another happy, happiness is self fulfillment, so take the pressure of yourself there.

It's impossible to control another human being. She is free to live her life, but having said this, if she had any respect for her actions and the hurt she caused, she would not go back to a place that triggers you or gives you cause for mistrust.

 

You need to be firm on your feelings and set boundaries. She can still go, but then you need to apply a boundary and stick with it.

 

Rebuliding trust is close to non existant when only one partner is working at it and only doable if both people work on it. So she's not helping this at all.

[JustJoe]

OP, are you serious? The drug-addict analogy is very good. Would you give an admitted heroin addict, a syringe full of H? You need, desperately, to get control of this problem back from your wife. She has convinced you that it is your fault that the affair happened, by your supposed inability to connect emotionally. She is playing you for a fool, and you are buying it. SHE cheated, she hasn't shown even close to enough remorse or contrition, and you are even thinking about allowing this? Do you have no self-respect, at all? If you truly believe what you have posted, you need some serious counseling. Here it is: NO, NO, NO, vacation to Spain, period!!! She is to be completely transparent, and completely at your service, until she can be trusted again. She goes, nowhere, she does nothing, without your say-so. If you allow her to go back to Spain, she will cheat again, and she will lose any respect (not much)she still might have for you. YOU NEED TO TAKE CONTROL!!!

[Fight4Me]

I'm all for trying to save a marriage.

 

This isn't the way to do it.

 

Revisiting the scene of the crime should be out of the question.

 

Exactly.

 

Overall, if you read my posts, you'll see that I absolutely believe a marriage can be saved after infidelity, but only if the WS is willing to do whatever it takes to repair the damage done. Your WW has lost the gift of your trust, and her job is to earn it back, no matter what it takes. She is showing you that her head and heart aren't into reconciliation, at least not yet. Even if she is being faithful, she needs to consider you first.

 

My fWH arranged to take me on his business trips and canceled ones he could get out of, and I didn't even have to ask. It's concerning that your WW doesn't see how obviously painful this is to you. Personally, I would tell her she has a choice to make: this trip or your marriage.

[whichwayisup]

Hi guys, having read a lot of posts here, I guess I know what the answers will be, but here goes anyway.

 

My wife confessed to a six month affair a few weeks ago & we're working to see if we can recover our marriage. The affair started on a trip with girlfriends to Spain (we're in the UK), and she has now ended the affair.

She says she's ended it, but do you know for sure? Has she given you all the passwords to her email accounts? Access to her cell phone records?

 

We're both struggling with our feelings & don't know what we want. We have an 11-year old son & don't want to just kick the marriage into touch without fully exploring whether we can save it. I'm expecting a brigade of posts to say "she cheated - file for divorce today", and that may be the outcome, but I'm trying to see if there is another way. I do still love her, though I'm not so keen on what she's done.

 

If she is willing to be an open book, willing to prove she's worthy of a chance to make things right, regain your faith and trust in her, and most of all, shows real remorse for her behaviour and choice to cheat on you, then yes, for the sake of your son and to eachother, you two can work through this. It takes two, and alot of hard work. Counselling together, and counselling apart as well.

 

Anyway, back to the subject line. I've always tried to keep my wife happy by putting her first, but didn't succeed (in making her happy). I was brought up by parents who show little emotion & I've been too distant from her, learning from my parents how to behave in a marriage. That set the scene for the affair where she found what was missing in our marriage.

She should have talked to you instead of cheating. You are not responsible for choices, it was hers alone to cheat. that is not your fault. She could have pushed more and had more conversations with you, instead she went behind your back and got selfish.

 

The same group of girls are heading back to the same place in Spain next week, and my wife is planning on going. Yes, I'm in bits. She's in bits too, and says she'd like some time with her friends away from the stresses of home. I've been made aware of the culture at this place though, there are lots of groups of guys & groups of girls flirting & (in the case of my wife last year) meeting people who are ready for an affair.

 

NO, she lost that right by cheating. How the heck does she figure you'd trust her to go away with the same bunch of people? Fact that she's even CONSIDERING this trip makes me wonder if she truly is over the A and if it's even over and is still intouch with the OM. Is he married too?

 

Now, this has shaken her up so much that my head says she wouldn't do it again. She wouldn't get it on with anyone else, even if we were split up. She doesn't need any extra emotional complications, or physical, come to that. So, my head's okay with her going, but my heart's in bits. I know I'll be feeling pretty bad while she's away for four nights. At the moment she's asked me what she should do. I know it'll help her to be away, so I've said go, but I think I should be looking after my own feelings more.

Not shaken her up enough NOT to put herself in another situation. It's too soon for her to go away. You know it and she knows it!! You dont' know 100% for sure if she wouldn't do it again... The trust isn't there, you can't take her just from her word.

 

Been reading the posts about the guy's wife who's buying sexy underware for a cruise (Girl's week), which sets me thinking too. Actually the thinking is OK for me - that's my head working, it's just the imagining that I don't like.

 

Put a squash on the trip. You two can go away together and spend some alone time. She hasn't earned your trust for her to go away for four days.

[Shakz]

Anyway, back to the subject line. I've always tried to keep my wife happy by putting her first, but didn't succeed (in making her happy). I was brought up by parents who show little emotion & I've been too distant from her, learning from my parents how to behave in a marriage. That set the scene for the affair where she found what was missing in our marriage.

 

The same group of girls are heading back to the same place in Spain next week, and my wife is planning on going. Yes, I'm in bits. She's in bits too, and says she'd like some time with her friends away from the stresses of home. I've been made aware of the culture at this place though, there are lots of groups of guys & groups of girls flirting & (in the case of my wife last year) meeting people who are ready for an affair.

 

Now, this has shaken her up so much that my head says she wouldn't do it again. She wouldn't get it on with anyone else, even if we were split up. She doesn't need any extra emotional complications, or physical, come to that. So, my head's okay with her going, but my heart's in bits. I know I'll be feeling pretty bad while she's away for four nights. At the moment she's asked me what she should do. I know it'll help her to be away, so I've said go, but I think I should be looking after my own feelings more.

 

I think it's admirable that you want to forgive her and keep the marriage going. We all make mistakes and it takes a tremendous amount of courage for her to confess. Also, I think you are wise to consider your own culpability, regarding your emotional distance. Having said all that, however, this trip of hers to Spain will be the litmus test of your relationship. She will either respect your mutual love and control herself or she will succumb to her baser desires and do it again. It may be that she will succeed, and you will be able to overcome this together. Or it may be that she will fail, and this time will take greater precautions that she won't get caught. Or it may be that she will fail and throw herself on your mercy. Regardless of the outcome, you must be kind and forgiving, but if it does happen again you must break with her for your own self-respect, as painful as that prospect may seem. God bless you both, and good luck.

[Bryanp]

Your post is absolutely crazy. Your wife engaged in a six month affair by going to Spain with her girlfriends and putting your health at risk for STD's and now she is returning with her girlfriends to Spain again? If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would accept this from you? Your wife is treating you like a doormat because you are one. Her actions continue to show that she has very little respect for you or your feelings. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Your lack of outrage about her decision says a great deal about yourself. Women do not respect doormats. Stop being so afraid and stand up for yourself.

I do hope you both have been tested for STD's.

[reservoirdog1]

I agree with the others -- she should NOT be revisiting the scene of the crime. She can't be so completely clueless as to NOT see that going back to Spain, with the same group of friends (who could well have encouraged her to cheat on you, but I'm just speculating), mere weeks after the revelation, would do a major number on you. And if she does realize that but insists on going anyway... well, that tells you a HELL of a lot about where her priorities lie. And they ain't with you.

 

I'm sure she'd like some "escape from the stresses at home". Bet you'd like to escape too. But for god's sake... these are the stresses that SHE CREATED. She should be working, body and soul, on rebuilding things with you, NOT buggering off to Spain with her girlfriends and leaving you at home to imagine the what-ifs.

 

If an escape is needed, you should both be going TOGETHER. If she insists on going to Spain, tell her that she can expect to find her belongings on the front lawn when she comes back.

[Chi townD]

Ask her how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If you cheated in Spain and you were planning to go back there with the same people that allowed it to happen.

 

Me personally, if she went, it would be the deal breaker. If you go on that trip, don't bother coming back.

 

I would suggest you get a sitter for the kid and you and her go on a trip to a Bed and Breakfast somewhere. She doesn't need Spain, she should need a husband and would be willing to have a romantic weekend alone with the man she chose.

[jnj express]

Hey overall---You talk about your head---were you recently dropped on your head.

 

The cruise situation has one major difference----YOUR WIFE ADMITTED TO CHEATING ALREADY----his wife is going on a vacation, and has not cheated, and even he still has trust issues----You already know your wife can't be trusted to control herself.

 

The women she is going with---what do you know about them---are they ALL going over to Spain to spread their legs for hot spanish romeos----

 

Also tell me this---Why are these women going to the exact same vacation place they went to before, only one reason could come to mind----the same spanish romeos will be there waiting for them---all of them including your wife

 

Otherwise why arn't these women vacationg somewhere else.

 

If you want any sanity, and mge., left------ get off your somewhat cold high horse---and straight out tell your wife NO. In fact these girl friends of hers are not exactly friends of your mge. either

 

Your wife needs to be at home working on gaining your trust---and dealing with marital problems----she does not at this point need to be out vacationing.

 

I suggest if you wanna continue with your own cool attitude toward your alleged mge., then get a Divorce, and you won't have to worry, or think about what your X- Wife is doing at all!!!!!!!!

[anne1707]

It is totally unreasonable of her to go on this trip. It shows a total lack of respect for you that she feels entitled to go. If she is truly remorseful then she would not do this - and would not even have to think about it either.

[seibert253]

Please tell my are not serious about even CONSIDERING letting her go on trip.

Revisiting the exact same trip, under the exact same circumstances, where she cheated on you a year before, ARE YOU NUTS!

 

I'm not trying to be an azz, but come on.

 

Listen, you have a problem with this, she needs to be made crystal clear how you feel about this. It is extremely selfish and inconsiderate of her to even consider going on this trip, and you NEED TO TELL HER THAT.

 

If I were in your situation I'd also make it clear that if she did go on this trip, she'd return to find her things in storage, and D papers waiting for her.

 

My friend, there's NO WAY she should go on this trip.

[jnj express]

I strongly agree with the last post----tell her if she goes on that trip---when she returns there will be 2 things waiting for her---D. papers, and the "want ads"---as she will need to get one, maybe more jobs to support herself.

 

If she is bound and determined to go---dry up any possibility of her getting funds---cut off all her credit cards, move all savings, and checking into an acct. in your name only----Tell her if she wants to go, she is gonna do it w/out any available funds

 

This is deadly serious, whether you think so or not---She has already proven she will cheat on you, by doing it once----DO YOU REALLY WANNA RELIVE WHAT YOU JUST WENT THRU----she is completely dissing you by even suggesting that she revisit the scene of her infidelities, why would you wanna assist her, in what will probably lead to the end of your mge., unless you want this to happen, as a means to divorce, or you are a doormat, or is there any other possibility?????????

[MizFit]

Well OP...I have to agree with the other posters. There is not one thing that makes me think her A is over...

 

I know that holidays from here to Spain are very inexpensive and a standard for groups to go on, but why would you want her to go with them to anywhere in the world right now? Granted your wife made all of her own decisions, but they were all there and you have no idea what they were doing either. So now you're struggling with her going again...you should be.

 

Let me tell you something...she is not struggling with this. She knows exactly what she wants and if she shows you how much it's 'tearing her up' inside then she is banking on you seeing that as some sort of twisted bit of loyalty or remorse. She lied to you for six months and she's more than capable of twisting your fears and anxieties to make it look like she's feeling the same.

 

You said it's been going on 6 months...is he a UK guy or a Spanish guy? Has it been predominantly an emotional affair or a physical affair as well? If he's Spanish (or a Brit living there) and she hasn't seen him since it all started I would well imagine she won't want to give up the time with him.

 

I wish you luck. Keep posting and listening...follow your gut and not your heart.

[lostsunsets]

Gotta agree with the others. If she is missing affection and romance in your marriage, she is definitely going to be tempted when she goes. Her going shows a complete lack of feeling regarding how much she hurt you. And I have to say that you letting her go is bordering on you being a willing cuckold.

[Overall]

My wife knows she really needs a break, but also understands my needs now; she's told me she'll skip the Spain trip & stay with me. We'll make sure that we do some fun stuff & have a good time together.

 

FYI, he was a UK guy met in Spain. I'm not as experienced at looking for signs of a continuing A, but as far as I can see it is over. He lives the other end of the country in any case. I know that doesn't stop him having been in Spain at the time, I know. But he wouldn't have been anyway.

 

Thanks for everyone's advice & comments. It was 100% as I thought of course.

Edited June 7, 2010 by Overall