silverplanets Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Hi guys, I've been doing really well lately - got over the worst of NC, realised there was hope, faced up to havnig taken a chance on moving me and my daughter to a new country and then being let down again (somewhat predicatably), attended/ing IC etc etc Wobbly moments of NC breaking have got less and easier to handle. Gone from saying "I'll see how I feel tomorrow " through to "I'll see if I still feel the same way next week" through to "well, if I think the same thing next month maybe I will consider it" .. etc I know that I would never take her back unless she had divorced and lived on her own long enough to deal with the baggage - I just won't expose me or my daughter to any more stupidity. And, more to the point, for the last few months I've been aware that really I don't even know if I do want her back, I've met loads of nice people and though I don't want to date I've definately met some really nice people who I feel that buzz of attraction when I am around. So all, in all, I'm really ok with things .... BUT ... xMW fairly recently opened an account (in my surname) on a social networking site that I have used for over 6 years (no it's not a dating site or anything like that ) and started posting. I didn't notice it at first but then the posts started to seem familiar. About a month ago she started posting detail that only she knew and so I knew it was her. I immediately deleted my account on that site - 6 years online presence down the drain but hey, it's a small price to pay. So why am I angry ? (well more annoyed actually) I don't know, so hence my question. I'm not going to get stressed about it .. and I've already told myself that I will leave it a year and see if it still bothers me. I'm not obsessing about it, or her. If I had to articulate why it has annoyed me it would be because I can fully see it for what it is ... namely fishing (with no guilt) whilst she is still married. What the annoyed part of me wanted to do was send the link to her h, however, it's not my drama and as I said I'll wait a year and see if can still be arsed. It's still just, well, SO wrong , and that bugs me !!! The closest analogy I can give is of watching some kid that you don't know from adam behaving appalingly in the street and wondering why someone doesn't tell them that it's not acceptable. Any thoughts appreciated ... but in advance, no I'm not obsessing or focusing on her .. the only thing I am interested in is why I am feeling this annoyance .... Thanks in advance Chris
jennie-jennie Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Sorry to hear you are still having to deal with that kind of sh*t. It seems messed up to me that she is using your surname. Fishing, yeah, probably.
secretlady76 Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 She's annoyed you because she's done something to make you think about her again. You had to sacrifice something (the account) because of her actions. She'll see you've deleted it so she'll know you've reacted. You probably should have left it. There is nothing more powerful than the power of NOTHING/NO REACTION....!!!
Silly_Girl Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 That is so sad. Because you're the one being inconvenienced because she's a bit bored or restless or whatever. Not fair.
Author silverplanets Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 She's annoyed you because she's done something to make you think about her again. You had to sacrifice something (the account) because of her actions. She'll see you've deleted it so she'll know you've reacted. You probably should have left it. There is nothing more powerful than the power of NOTHING/NO REACTION....!!! Ya know, you might be onto something there SL.... I hadn;t really thought about it but I am p*ssed off that I had to sacrifice that account .. I had a lot of friends and history on it .. and though it doesn't bother me in one way, it probably does in another. The problem was I started to notice that every time I posted then she would post so I could no longer use it. Maybe, as you said, I should have just left it there and not used it .. But yes, I think in essence you're right .. regardless of whether I deleted it or stopped using it I am angry because she managed to cause something to happen. I did think of complaining to the site but then again, more attention for her etc, etc. So yes, I'd say you're spot on and honestly I really appreciate the insight. All I could tell was I was angry/annoyed but coudn't just figure out why :) I'll put it to rest in my mind now and get back to living :)
Author silverplanets Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 That is so sad. Because you're the one being inconvenienced because she's bit bored or restless or whatever. Not fair. Yep SG, I think you're spot on as well. It's that she's managed to cause an effect/inconvenience. Luckily it's a lot less inconvinient than having to ditch my 8 year old email address that I used for business, throwing away my work mobile (which again had not changed for 8 years), which is what I did during first month of NC. Just one final (I hope) ripple from a bad relationship decision. Now you get out there and smile at something today .. even for 5 seconds ok !!!
jthorne Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Just FYI- You can block people on many of these social networking sites. Thought I'd mention it in case you wanted to re-establish contact with your real friends. It would really chap my arse if someone used my surname like that. It's sort of a slap in the face that she just wants to pretend she's your wife online, and then she goes back to her marriage like you don't even exist. Selfish, with no regards for your feelings. Plus the fact that she doesn't want you to move on with your life while she maintains hers is really annoying.
Fight4Me Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 She sounds rather pathetic. If she used your surname, is there a possibility that it could be linked in any way to you? I mean, if someone were to look you up on Google, for instance, would that page be something that could turn up in the search results? Maybe what's she's posting is benign right now, but I would be concerned with possible future content that could impact your reputation. If there's a possibility of that, I would report the account. If not, then I agree with everyone else, ignore the fishing attempts. You should be very proud of yourself for the progress you've made. There's a woman out there who will be very blessed to have you someday.
Spark1111 Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Just FYI- You can block people on many of these social networking sites. Thought I'd mention it in case you wanted to re-establish contact with your real friends. It would really chap my arse if someone used my surname like that. It's sort of a slap in the face that she just wants to pretend she's your wife online, and then she goes back to her marriage like you don't even exist. Selfish, with no regards for your feelings. Plus the fact that she doesn't want you to move on with your life while she maintains hers is really annoying. Annoyed? you are a better man than me. I'd be crazy, but then again, everyone here makes a good point, that a reaction, any reaction from you, is better than no reaction. And personally, my take on her using your surname is to give the impression that you two are what? Married? In a relationship? To me, it smacks of manipulation: She doesn't want ANYONE to have you either; no prosepctive new dating partner, friend, lover. It smells of, "Back OFF women. He is still MINE." I think you did the right thing, my friend.
Author silverplanets Posted June 5, 2010 Author Posted June 5, 2010 Just FYI- You can block people on many of these social networking sites. Thought I'd mention it in case you wanted to re-establish contact with your real friends. It would really chap my arse if someone used my surname like that. It's sort of a slap in the face that she just wants to pretend she's your wife online, and then she goes back to her marriage like you don't even exist. Selfish, with no regards for your feelings. Plus the fact that she doesn't want you to move on with your life while she maintains hers is really annoying. Thanks JT .. unfortunately this was an old site and didn't really have that function. You are right though ... I need to think a bit more creative .. there's nothing stopping me contacting the friends via fb or email to stay in touch Yep - to be honest it did peeve me that she'd "reached in " to my life like this. At the end of the day she had no right to do this and should have just had the decency to stay away. She sounds rather pathetic. If she used your surname, is there a possibility that it could be linked in any way to you? I mean, if someone were to look you up on Google, for instance, would that page be something that could turn up in the search results? Maybe what's she's posting is benign right now, but I would be concerned with possible future content that could impact your reputation. If there's a possibility of that, I would report the account. If not, then I agree with everyone else, ignore the fishing attempts. You should be very proud of yourself for the progress you've made. There's a woman out there who will be very blessed to have you someday. F4M - that's a good point on the fallout . Right now, the only fallout I can see is that her H finds it and reads it as me still being involved with her. (He is fully aware of my name). I have a child who I am responsible for and just don't want to be caught up in that. At the end of the day I have lawyers (who I have previously provided with all emails and her and her H's details after an incident a number of years ago) and whom I could get involved again. Right now, though, I sadly believe that she would see any attention (good or bad) as an encouragement to continue ... I have told myself that I will consider re-checking the site in 1 years time if I wish to, but other than that, will do nothing. Should her actions escalate in some other area, of course, then I will have to review that .... Annoyed? you are a better man than me. I'd be crazy, but then again, everyone here makes a good point, that a reaction, any reaction from you, is better than no reaction. And personally, my take on her using your surname is to give the impression that you two are what? Married? In a relationship? To me, it smacks of manipulation: She doesn't want ANYONE to have you either; no prosepctive new dating partner, friend, lover. It smells of, "Back OFF women. He is still MINE." I think you did the right thing, my friend. No I'm not a better man, and in the past I would have reacted. Taking time out for NC, reading people's stories on LS though and becoming aware of the patters has just made me realise that any reaction is just feeding the monster. She always did use my name , I used to find it cute (yuk!, boy was I in deep !!:)) but now, well, it appears more and more as, dare I say it, bunny behaviour. I am angry that she sees NO issue with behaving like this AND being married .. but then again, if I step back, then that's just one more red flag on flag-pole that's already at breaking point. ....... I'm going to close this one in my mind now. I am annoyed because I lost an account that I enjoyed using and had a lot of history, but, as JTs said, I can take creative action to recover from that. This little episode has been a chance for me to revisit the type of person she actually was though (rather than the person I saw) ... I really must make better relationship decisions in the future !!! :) Thanks all Chris
Fieldsofgold Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 This little episode has been a chance for me to revisit the type of person she actually was though (rather than the person I saw) ... I really must make better relationship decisions in the future !!! :) Thanks all Chris What a creep she is!!! It is amazing how we can see these people in such a better light than they really are. Count your blessings that you escaped!
pureinheart Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 Hi guys, I've been doing really well lately - got over the worst of NC, realised there was hope, faced up to havnig taken a chance on moving me and my daughter to a new country and then being let down again (somewhat predicatably), attended/ing IC etc etc Wobbly moments of NC breaking have got less and easier to handle. Gone from saying "I'll see how I feel tomorrow " through to "I'll see if I still feel the same way next week" through to "well, if I think the same thing next month maybe I will consider it" .. etc I know that I would never take her back unless she had divorced and lived on her own long enough to deal with the baggage - I just won't expose me or my daughter to any more stupidity. And, more to the point, for the last few months I've been aware that really I don't even know if I do want her back, I've met loads of nice people and though I don't want to date I've definately met some really nice people who I feel that buzz of attraction when I am around. So all, in all, I'm really ok with things .... BUT ... xMW fairly recently opened an account (in my surname) on a social networking site that I have used for over 6 years (no it's not a dating site or anything like that ) and started posting. I didn't notice it at first but then the posts started to seem familiar. About a month ago she started posting detail that only she knew and so I knew it was her. I immediately deleted my account on that site - 6 years online presence down the drain but hey, it's a small price to pay. So why am I angry ? (well more annoyed actually) I don't know, so hence my question. I'm not going to get stressed about it .. and I've already told myself that I will leave it a year and see if it still bothers me. I'm not obsessing about it, or her. If I had to articulate why it has annoyed me it would be because I can fully see it for what it is ... namely fishing (with no guilt) whilst she is still married. What the annoyed part of me wanted to do was send the link to her h, however, it's not my drama and as I said I'll wait a year and see if can still be arsed. It's still just, well, SO wrong , and that bugs me !!! The closest analogy I can give is of watching some kid that you don't know from adam behaving appalingly in the street and wondering why someone doesn't tell them that it's not acceptable. Any thoughts appreciated ... but in advance, no I'm not obsessing or focusing on her .. the only thing I am interested in is why I am feeling this annoyance .... Thanks in advance Chris (((((((((((Chris))))))))))) Wow, moving to a new country is a big step... Chris, this is just hard, and it is annoying, although as to why....well many reasons IMO. She is not respecting your wishes, this is a major intrusion and extremely arrogant on her part, not to mention very self centered....do I need to go further as to WHY your annoyed???? ((((huggs)))) I'm annoyed the your annoyed and being messed with. I can understand you not wanting to date, when the time is right you will step out of that box, although Chris be aware when it is time....k.... I have to tell you it is quite invigerating to step out of the box...I did today and it felt right. I had tried before and I just wanted to run...now I don't feel that way. I think you are way cool and my prayers are always with you that all will be well with you etc.
bananalaffytaffy Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 Other than being more than annoying to you, her using your surname to "mark her territory" would have been really stupid. Unless what she was posting was romantic, people would just assume she was your relative. Sorry you had to close your account.
newdawn Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 seems a bit like she's electronically stalking? ugh sorry you had to experience this :-(
MizzBlue72 Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 Ok - she sounds nuts - stalker like. I would re-open the acct. Is there a BLOCK feature? IF so - block her - or hell - report her if possible. Don't give her that much power over something you care for. Not worth it ....
White Flower Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 Annoyed? you are a better man than me. I'd be crazy, but then again, everyone here makes a good point, that a reaction, any reaction from you, is better than no reaction. And personally, my take on her using your surname is to give the impression that you two are what? Married? In a relationship? To me, it smacks of manipulation: She doesn't want ANYONE to have you either; no prosepctive new dating partner, friend, lover. It smells of, "Back OFF women. He is still MINE." I think you did the right thing, my friend. I agree with this.
Fieldsofgold Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 This woman just violated lots of boundaries. Rather serious boundaries at that. I think she is a little bit scary.
pureinheart Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 This woman just violated lots of boundaries. Rather serious boundaries at that. I think she is a little bit scary. Yes...I agree bigtime...Chris might want to save that info incase she goes further...I'm talkin police....
Author silverplanets Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 (((((((((((Chris))))))))))) Wow, moving to a new country is a big step... Chris, this is just hard, and it is annoying, although as to why....well many reasons IMO. She is not respecting your wishes, this is a major intrusion and extremely arrogant on her part, not to mention very self centered....do I need to go further as to WHY your annoyed???? ((((huggs)))) I'm annoyed the your annoyed and being messed with. I can understand you not wanting to date, when the time is right you will step out of that box, although Chris be aware when it is time....k.... I have to tell you it is quite invigerating to step out of the box...I did today and it felt right. I had tried before and I just wanted to run...now I don't feel that way. I think you are way cool and my prayers are always with you that all will be well with you etc. Hi Pure, Yes, moving country was a bit of a shocker ! Not sure i've fully dealt with it yet ... and has meant I;ve had to work myself through this mostly alone , although, looking back, I think that's been really good for me. I've learnt to much about me, what I want, what I like, why I accepted certain things etc that it's like meeting a whole new me. Still a long way to go yet but I'm not rushing myself ... I have my daughter, me, my health, a good family and friends and that's a great space to be in :) So impressed you stepped "out of the box" ... you little fox you :) I had a one night stand about 3 months in to NC (seemed like the right thing to do !!! :):)), it was fun but, to be honest, I just wanted to be focused on me and not distracted on anything else. This is actually the longest I've ever been w/o a partner and it's been a great journey of discovery. Spending time not worrying about someone else's needs have allowed me to hear my own for the first time. There's an old saying about not loving someone else until you love yourself and I think it's kind of true ... and up to know in life I've probably been assuming others would care for me in the way I care for them .. but that's not necessarily true. OK ... that's far too long a post ... be safe Chris :)
Author silverplanets Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 Yes...I agree bigtime...Chris might want to save that info incase she goes further...I'm talkin police.... One of the things that originally attracted me to her was her independance and courage to go after what she wants. One of the hardest things to realise is that it was easy for her to be like this whilst she had the back-up of a husband, his attention, married status and money. It's easy to act brave and fearless when you've got a safety net. Take that safety net away, however, and she was totally insecure. She could, to be honest, post what she liked ... I won't visit that site for at least one full year and posting on an internet site whilst still mariied is probably the poorest way of expressing any love for me that I can think of !!!! I deserve someone who wants to turn up and be with me !!! :):) Have great days Chris :)
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