Some new friends....is it ok?

[nmchica]

I'm not sure if this is something I should be bothered by or not...

 

Background: I have been with my bf for 2 years now, in a LDR. We are both 26 and 27....I just graduated with an undergraduate degree and he is in his last year of grad school. This semester he is a TA for a class....has students and office hours where he visits with the students who have questions/need help.

 

I am already very mistrusting and have had jealousy issues in the past that seem to be coming back up. My ex, who I was with for 4 years, was talking to other girls while with me and also I strongly suspect that he slept with other girls during breakups and even broke up with me in order to sleep with other girls w/out guilt. It was a very rocky, toxic relationship and after breaking up he has even sent me multiple emails begging to get back together, while writing I-love-you's all over his current gf's wall. I have ignored all of his emails and am completely through with him. But I have been left with A LOT of issues from this past relationship. I've managed to keep most of the jealousy stuff in check w/ the current relationship (w/ some slip ups) until now. But I basically have been going berserk on my bf b/c I feel overcome with anger, jealousy, and mistrust of men.

 

We have started to have some problems....fighting and what-not.....and there have even been a few near break-ups. He is normally a pretty outgoing person and has a lot of friends on facebook. But one newly added girl caught my eye. She is very attractive and goes to his school. She appeared while we were going through a rough time and when I questioned him about her, he said she was a student in his class. I started getting really angry about it and said "she's pretty attractive huh?" and he said "yeah, she's alright". So I questioned him more and said he probably came rushing home to tell his roommate all about the hot girl in his class. He said that he did tell his roommate about her, but only b/c he saw her on campus multiple times before he met me and thought she was pretty and told his roommate that the same girl is in his class now. He said she only came in to ask for help a couple times near the end of the semester and that he only added her b/c he's curious to see how things will turn out for her. ...And HE is the one who added HER, which REALLY bothers me the most. He added a few other people from his class, but most of them seem to be girls too. Something about THIS girl really bothers me though.

 

We are now fighting over this, and I still insist that it seems very strange/inappropriate for him to be adding attractive girls he barely knows on facebook when he's in a committed relationship. It's one thing if he is already friends with a girl BEFORE dating me, and she happens to be attractive....but to add some random girl he barely knows seems very sketchy and inappropriate to me. Especially when she is a STUDENT of his. He is still a student himself, but he is still HER teacher. I feel very strongly that he mainly added her to access pictures of her and to possibly keep her on the back burner in case we break up. And that "seeing where her life is going" is an easy excuse.

 

I finally got so upset about this that I told him to delete her and he refused. There have been situations in the past where a guy was hitting on me and I ignored the guy and didn't respond, which was not enough by my bf's standards and he insisted I tell the guy off. Normally I would not make this kind of demand b/c I feel like that's taking it too far, but considering he felt strongly enough about past issues to make seemingly outrageous/borderline controlling demands, I feel he should have no problem returning the favor when I feel just as uneasy about something. Instead he said he's NOT going to do that, is getting really angry w/ all of this, and says he's sorry I feel that way but doesn't care and isn't going to remove her from his friends.

 

In the meantime, I'm getting more resentful, angry and mean about this. It's like, I can't stop. I feel so uneasy about this girl, like he's just keeping her on the back burner and looking at pictures of her everyday. My mind keeps going crazy w/ this, I'm going crazy, he's going crazy....help! Is it sketchy of him to be adding attractive girls he barely knows, who he even admits caught his eye before? Is it perfectly normal/nothing to worry about and I'm just being psycho?

 

Please help!

[ADF]

Can I address your BF instead of you? Thanks.

 

RUN, don't walk, RUN away from this woman.

 

She is an insanely jealous control freak and will make your life a living hell so long as you are together. She thinks she can prevent you from cheating on her if she keeps you firmly enough under her thumb, under constant survellience. She will spend the entire course of your relationship telling you who you can associate with, to what extent, and under what conditions.

 

But that still won't be enough. Her insecurity is so extreme you will never succeed it appeasing her, no matter how much you submit to her control measures. She will always find herself playing out possible cheating scenarios in her own mind, and she will make you pay for her fears.

 

Get out now, before it's too late.

[stace79]

I think you guys need to sit down and talk this through when you're not in a fit of jealousy, so you can be calm. I also think it would help you communicate with him if you told him why -- calmly -- his being "friends" with this girl upsets you.

 

My counselor told me and my bf that when I get jealous, it's because I have a fear of something, and if we can talk about the underlying fear, we can better discuss it and figure out a way to solve it.

 

I think the fact that you're in a LDR makes it really difficult. You're not seeing him all the time, and I don't know how much you're talking, but if you already tend to be a bit jealous, LDR makes it that much worse.

 

I think the fact that he said to you he doesn't care how it makes you feel is a bad sign. I would hope that my bf would at least be willing to talk about what kind of compromises could be made so that we could both be happier.

 

My bf will not give up being friends with people, but we have certain stipulations that he's agreed to during our LDR. For instance, he won't be alone with any female. But he does go out with groups of friends and hangs out with girls among the group.

 

Difference between my bf and yours -- mine tells me all the time I have nothing to worry about, he shares with me info about what he does out and who he's hanging out with, he asks what kind of things might help me feel better about the situation. And I'm working to not be anal retentive with my jealousy.

 

For me, finding the right guy is about finding a guy who puts our relationship needs ahead of his own individual needs. Because ultimately if I'm going to marry someone, that's what has to happen. If he's only willing to work with me within his own individual needs/wants, as in "I'll do this as long as it doesn't inconvenience me in any way", then he's not the right guy for me.

[AttillatheHun]

Ugh. This post is going to be quite inflammatory, so I apologise in advance.

 

I hate it when women in relationships become like this. As soon as a remotely attractive girl enters the scene, the female partner flips out and the relationship becomes a living hell because they make a huge fuss over nothing.

 

One day, I was with my girlfriend at uni, and this woman from class walked by. I introduced my girlfriend to her, because they both were learning the same language, and I thought it would be a good idea to introduce the two of them. Now, this woman is what most people would consider highly attractive. After this brief meeting, what does my girlfriend do? She gets extremely annoyed, paranoid and jealous. She immediately says 'I don't trust you' and spends the next few weeks making sarcastic comments like yourself 'she's pretty attractive huh?'.

 

I didn't even give two flying ****ing ****s about this woman to begin with, and I still don't. Yet she continued to make comments such as 'I just know something's going to happen' and that 'you probably talked about how hot she was to your friends' etc etc etc.

 

If there is a guaranteed success for driving someone absolutely mad and up the wall, this is it. Making comments and having suspicions based on the most incredulous and unfounded assumptions. I love my girlfriend dearly. But every time an attractive girl appears on the horizon, she'll either accuse me of 'checking her out' or make comments over the coming weeks that i'll eventually 'leave her for something better'.

 

Funnily enough, what do you think is the actual issue destroying the relationship is? Quite a no-brainer here. Yes, you are being a psycho. Its a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you constantly walk around with the attitude that he's going to be doing something with attractive girls (not like he deliberately seeks them out either) then yeah, that's what will happen. You'll drive him nuts with this attitude so eventually he'll dump you, then have a relationship with someone else. Not because they're attractive, probably because he wants to be with someone less psychotic...

Edited June 8, 2010 by AttillatheHun

[stace79]

Ugh. This post is going to be quite inflammatory, so I apologise in advance.

 

I hate it when women in relationships become like this. As soon as a remotely attractive girl enters the scene, the female partner flips out and the relationship becomes a living hell because they make a huge fuss over nothing.

 

One day, I was with my girlfriend at uni, and this woman from class walked by. I introduced my girlfriend to her, because they both were learning the same language, and I thought it would be a good idea to introduce the two of them. Now, this woman is what most people would consider highly attractive. After this brief meeting, what does my girlfriend do? She gets extremely annoyed, paranoid and jealous. She immediately says 'I don't trust you' and spends the next few weeks making sarcastic comments like yourself 'she's pretty attractive huh?'.

 

I didn't even give two flying ****ing ****s about this woman to begin with, and I still don't. Yet she continued to make comments such as 'I just know something's going to happen' and that 'you probably talked about how hot she was to your friends' etc etc etc.

 

If there is a guaranteed success for driving someone absolutely mad and up the wall, this is it. Making comments and having suspicions based on the most incredulous and unfounded assumptions. I love my girlfriend dearly. But every time an attractive girl appears on the horizon, she'll either accuse me of 'checking her out' or make comments over the coming weeks that i'll eventually 'leave her for something better'.

 

Funnily enough, what do you think is the actual issue destroying the relationship is? Quite a no-brainer here. Yes, you are being a psycho. Its a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you constantly walk around with the attitude that he's going to be doing something with attractive girls (not like he deliberately seeks them out either) then yeah, that's what will happen. You'll drive him nuts with this attitude so eventually he'll dump you, then have a relationship with someone else. Not because they're attractive, probably because he wants to be with someone less psychotic...

 

But do you know why women are like this? Because men make them insecure by drooling and oogling over women like the ones you see on TV. So when you're suddenly hanging out with a woman who clearly is (at face value anyway) more attractive than us, we wonder if you're secretly wishing you could be having sex with HER instead. And most often, you're at least THINKING about sex with the other woman.

 

For me, I will not be with a man who insists on making "new" friends with women. If it's a woman you've already been friends with, then we'll discuss it, and the same for me with men. But when you commit yourself to someone else, it becomes about me AND you, not just what you want.

 

If you, as a man, can't understand why a woman would feel threatened and worse wouldn't CARE about your girlfriend's feelings, then maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship.

[RedRussian]

I feel overcome with anger, jealousy, and mistrust of men.

 

he felt strongly enough about past issues to make seemingly outrageous/borderline controlling demands, I feel he should have no problem returning the favor when I feel just as uneasy about something.

 

I can go on and on about the crzy but girl....you need help!

 

And let the guy go you are one bullet he needs to doge

[RedRussian]

For me, I will not be with a man who insists on making "new" friends with women. If it's a woman you've already been friends with, then we'll discuss it, and the same for me with men. But when you commit yourself to someone else, it becomes about me AND you, not just what you want.

 

That sounds more like all you want and crazy like your psycho OP here. You will control what friends can a man have when he is in a relationship with you? Like one of my ex said 10 hours before i broke up with her "You with me you must do what i say"

[stace79]

I feel overcome with anger, jealousy, and mistrust of men.

 

he felt strongly enough about past issues to make seemingly outrageous/borderline controlling demands, I feel he should have no problem returning the favor when I feel just as uneasy about something.

 

I can go on and on about the crzy but girl....you need help!

 

And let the guy go you are one bullet he needs to doge

 

Actually, if he doesn't love her enough to be compassionate and try to help her, then she needs to dodge him.

[stace79]

For me, I will not be with a man who insists on making "new" friends with women. If it's a woman you've already been friends with, then we'll discuss it, and the same for me with men. But when you commit yourself to someone else, it becomes about me AND you, not just what you want.

 

That sounds more like all you want and crazy like your psycho OP here. You will control what friends can a man have when he is in a relationship with you? Like one of my ex said 10 hours before i broke up with her "You with me you must do what i say"

 

I will try to respond, but "no speaka de English well" eh?

 

It's not controlling at all. I have certain expectations of my SO, and I would assume he would have certain expectations of me. When you enter a committed relationship, you abandon your individual wants/needs in favor of what is best for the COUPLE as a team.

 

I would never tell my bf he isn't allowed to be friends with someone. What I have told him is that for me to be in a relationship with him, I expect X, Y and Z.

 

First and foremost, I cannot be with him if he has any contact with a specific ex-girlfriend. (I have good reason for that stipulation.) Second, I'm not comfortable with him being alone with any woman, except for maybe business situations where he takes a female client to lunch.

 

He is perfectly within his rights to decline my expectations, and thus we wouldn't be together.

 

You have to find the person with whom your expectations mesh well, and the person who is compassionate and understanding if you have an issue. Someone who will try to help you as opposed to just saying "well, too bad, I'm going to be friends with whoever I want and I don't care what you think."

[RedRussian]

When this female is "overcome with anger, jealousy, and mistrust of men" As a MAN he can't win in this mind set no matter what, she/you will get crazy for any little thing that sparks your insecurities

[RedRussian]

abandon your individual wants/needs in favor of what is best for the COUPLE as a team.

 

Sounds like joining a cult....

[stace79]

When this female is "overcome with anger, jealousy, and mistrust of men" As a MAN he can't win in this mind set no matter what, she/you will get crazy for any little thing that sparks your insecurities

 

Untrue. She clearly wants to work on this issue, or she wouldn't have posted here in this forum.

[stace79]

abandon your individual wants/needs in favor of what is best for the COUPLE as a team.

 

Sounds like joining a cult....

 

Please don't ever commit to another person, because obviously you're too selfish and immature. People like you are the reason the divorce rate is so high in this country.

[RedRussian]

She would need to work this out with a Doctor.

[RedRussian]

I have no problem to commit but never to submit my individual wants/needs to anyone specially a crazy woman

[noirx]

As a very wise therapist (or two) told me, "No one can make you feel or think anything." I've found those aren't very comforting at times, but are always true.

[stace79]

I have no problem to commit but never to submit my individual wants/needs to anyone specially a crazy woman

 

Yeah you do... Marriage vows specifically say "forsaking all others". That means that your spouse is more important than any other person in your life.

 

And committing to a relationship means that you put the interest of your relationship as a whole above your own selfish interests. It doesn't mean you give up your entire life, but it does mean that you--and your partner -- should always be looking for ways to make your relationship better. You sound entirely too selfish and immature for that to me.

[RedRussian]

Who said about Marriage? I was talking commitment. It is possible to commit to a person without Marriage you know? if you think not, that you are an immature spoiled little girl who used to her way. Grow up and smell the Manhood!

 

You only take OP side because you are same way yourself...

[stace79]

Who said about Marriage? I was talking commitment. It is possible to commit to a person without Marriage you know? if you think not, that you are an immature spoiled little girl who used to her way. Grow up and smell the Manhood!

 

You only take OP side because you are same way yourself...

 

Oh I see.. you're one of those guys who thinks because you have a penis that every woman should just bow down and do whatever YOU want. I get it now. You must not be used to women who are successful and know what they want out of a relationship.

 

Commitment, marriage -- it's all the same thing. If you don't want to put the needs of your relationship above your personal wants, then just don't be in a relationship. I would never say you're a bad person for that. Not everybody should be in a relationship. Just call a spade a spade though. You want to have a girlfriend you can sleep with without having to do anything to look out for her. So just have F buddies.

 

PS If you're in the U.S., think you could learn to write English a little better?

[RedRussian]

Commitment, marriage -- it's all the same thing

 

Commitment means to show loyalty, duty or pledge to something or someone

 

Marriage is a social union or legal contract between individuals that creates kinship. It is an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged in a variety of ways, depending on the culture or subculture in which it is found

 

You CAN have one without the other, thus it is not the same by just that fact.

[Danibelle]

Personally, i think it's pretty much impossible for woman so say that she never gets jealous. Of course we do, we're women and we compare ourselves to others. Fact. And i think that if a guy cares about his partner genuinely, then he will just reassure her from time to time. It's not a rule 'all guys should do this' but i think it's just something that he'd want to do. Same for women, guys will get insecure at some point in their lives too (unless they're pig headed and cocky) until they find a woman who he trusts because she reassures him. I always like to reassure my bf that i've been thinking of him and how great he looks, because i think it's just important to make your SO feel good and confident about themselves, and feel reassured that they aren't being emotionally cheated on. It's a two way thing. If women are psychotic green monsters then so are men. We get jealous when we are insecure, and if our SO does nothing to help us with that, man or woman, well then things start to get ugly.

[make me believe]

Wow, some of the "advice" on this thread is totally out of line. nmchica, I think it is inappropriate of your BF to add this girl to his FB and then yell at you and refuse to delete her. There was a thread recently in this section or maybe in the marriage one about a girl who was adding male "friends" to FB and her husband had a problem with it but she refused to delete them. Almost EVERYONE in there said she was wrong to be adding other guys and that she should respect her husband's wishes and delete them. I'm not sure what the big difference is from your situation and hers, and why you are "psycho" for not being comfortable with your BF randomly adding a girl he DOESN'T EVEN KNOW but finds attractive.

 

I think it is a bad sign that your BF doesn't seem to care about your feelings in this matter at all. Frankly, even if I thought my BF was over-reacting, his feelings & happiness come WAY before some random hot guy on facebook. I would delete the guy who was making him uncomfortable immediately. Afterwards we may have a talk about why he felt so insecure & stuff, but I think most of us would be uncomfortable if our partner started adding random hot people they barely knew to their fb. (Yes, even the dbags in here that are insisting you're crazy, controlling, etc.)

[make me believe]

And i think that if a guy cares about his partner genuinely, then he will just reassure her from time to time. It's not a rule 'all guys should do this' but i think it's just something that he'd want to do. Same for women, guys will get insecure at some point in their lives too (unless they're pig headed and cocky) until they find a woman who he trusts because she reassures him. I always like to reassure my bf that i've been thinking of him and how great he looks, because i think it's just important to make your SO feel good and confident about themselves, and feel reassured that they aren't being emotionally cheated on. It's a two way thing. If women are psychotic green monsters then so are men. We get jealous when we are insecure, and if our SO does nothing to help us with that, man or woman, well then things start to get ugly.

 

I completely agree with everything you said, Dani!! This is a GREAT post.

 

My BF and I both have our moments of insecurity. But we ALWAYS reassure the other one and try to make each other feel better. When I go into a situation that I know might cause my BF some insecurity (even if I think it's unfounded), I reassure him before, during, and after so that he feels ok! I'm not saying we go overboard, but for example if I go to the bar with my girlfriends, I make sure to spend a few extra moments loving on my BF before I go. While at the bar, I'll send him a couple texts just so he knows I'm thinking about him. Those kinds of actions can go a long way in making your partner feel loved & cherished. I will NEVER understand the couples that get into fights when one person has a normal insecurity. If I came to my BF about an insecurity I was feeling and he yelled at me & did nothing to reassure me, I would be out of there.

[RedRussian]

Comparing Husband and BF with who she did not sleep with of one month old "relationship" is a bit of a stretch even for a woman don't you think MMB?

 

He owes her nothing! No written contract no nothing, she is being crazy for wanting too much too soon.

[Mme. Chaucer]

To the OP -

 

Maybe with the issues your past relationship left with you, a long distance relationship is not good for you at this time of your life.