joey66 Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 I haven't spoken with her (beyond a simple hello) in approx three months. Since I sent an email pouring my heart out. An email she didn't respond to. As many of you know already, because of circumstances I still have to see her. Today when I saw her, she perpetrated a TMI thing which she knew would affect me. And it did. I'm going to send her an email. Something simple like "Nothing has changed." Somedays the demon wins out. Was can man tun?
whichwayisup Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 DON'T send another email. Vent here only.. DO NOT SEND HER AN EMAIL. It's pointless and she isn't going to answer it. Tomorrow you'll regret it. Vent on LS..
MizzBlue72 Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Joey - I need to tell you - sometimes you should thank God that you didn't get a response. I did what you did last year, in Feb. I sent an email that told the MM I loved him and flat out asked him if he loved me too. He didn't reply forever, and when he eventually did - it was less than what I expected. It killed me inside. I wish I never got that email. I wish I could have kept thinking that 'maybe' he did love me. In the long run, it has turned out really well and he does love me - but at the time - he would not admmit it to me or himself ... or anyone else. sometimes you have to thank God for unanswered prayers, you know?? Oh - and NO more emails while drinking!!! or texts either!! LOL
jthorne Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 (edited) Go ahead. Send the email. Cause this time it'll be different, right? Just like last time jwi talked you out if it. Let your MOW win. It's what she wants. To know that you'll come running everytime she crooks her finger, because you can't handle a little tmi. Go ahead. If you want to look like a drunk fool... Edited June 4, 2010 by jthorne
pureinheart Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 I haven't spoken with her (beyond a simple hello) in approx three months. Since I sent an email pouring my heart out. An email she didn't respond to. As many of you know already, because of circumstances I still have to see her. Today when I saw her, she perpetrated a TMI thing which she knew would affect me. And it did. I'm going to send her an email. Something simple like "Nothing has changed." Somedays the demon wins out. Was can man tun? Hey Joey....(((((((((great big hugs))))))))...hey if you send it don't beat yourself up...also your statement has a dual meaning anyway. WWIU is right ....no matter what you do vent here...
secretlady76 Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Well done for coming on here BEFORE sending any email. Even in your drunk state you were still sensible!!! I haven't spoken with her (beyond a simple hello) in approx three months. Since I sent an email pouring my heart out. An email she didn't respond to. As hard as it is, I think you need to accept that the lack of response to the above email probably means that she doesn't feel the same. As many of you know already, because of circumstances I still have to see her. Today when I saw her, she perpetrated a TMI thing which she knew would affect me. And it did. I'm going to send her an email. Something simple like "Nothing has changed." Somedays the demon wins out. She made it clear by not responding to your last email that she doesn't feel the same and even if she did, what then? You think she would give everything up for you? Doubt it, so it'll do your head in either way. If she didn't respond to your last email then she sure as hell won't to this one and even if she did, it would probably be to tell you to stop being a freak email stalker. If you were her, would you respond?! Just remember rejection is the biggest aphrodisiac, at that is what you are feeling right now.... Was can man tun? I know you pain. I have sent emails and text messages that were ignored. All I can say to myself is, when I ignored emails and text messages it was because I wanted nothing more to do with the person/relationship. I had to accept that was how he felt about me. Jeez, the guy is even moving, how much more of a message do I need!!! Stay strong.
ladydesigner Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 I know you pain. I have sent emails and text messages that were ignored. All I can say to myself is, when I ignored emails and text messages it was because I wanted nothing more to do with the person/relationship. I had to accept that was how he felt about me. Jeez, the guy is even moving, how much more of a message do I need!!! God isn't that the truth. It effin hurts too. Still hurts to think a person that you shared so much with and were vulnerable to can just "turn it off." I will never understand this.
Author joey66 Posted June 5, 2010 Author Posted June 5, 2010 I hope things are better for you this evening. Thank you. Yes, better. Thank you all so much. I hesitated to even look at this thread today. I was expecting to be smacked around a little bit. I do well for a while, and then I have a bad day. I am sincerely thankful for the well wishes.
MorningCoffee Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Thank you. Yes, better. Thank you all so much. I hesitated to even look at this thread today. I was expecting to be smacked around a little bit. I do well for a while, and then I have a bad day. I am sincerely thankful for the well wishes. Hey, Joey. Glad you are doing better. We all have those bad days. The question is what to do with them -- and whether the choices we make aid or impede our moving forward. The longer I go NC (6 weeks now), the more it seems that when I do have one of "those" days, I can somehow manage to put off any action I might regret. For example, yesterday was 6 weeks exactly of total NC. I was surprised all at once by how much I wanted to get an update -- (you know, "are you any closer to leaving?") -- but I made myself sit down and write out, like a script almost, the possible responses that reaching out to my xMW might bring. It appeared clear to me that no matter what her reply, it absolutely could not bring me anything good. If she said yes, I would be back waiting for her; if she said no, I'd be disappointed and hurt, and no doubt back to square one; and if she said she didn't know, or too soon to tell, I'd be back in hopeful limbo. No matter which it was, I would no longer be moving on into my own future. I would lose all the progress made at a price of incredible pain. Worse, the very reaching out would send a message to her that I, who after all had insisted she not contact me again unless it was to tell me of her divorce, could not live up to my own declaration and was still on her hook. I decided I would not give her that satisfaction -- she was the one who chose to stop seeing me when D-Day came, and after a few weeks of LC, it was my choice was to go NC, for my own sake. I reminded myself that she knows that she can contact me IF she is divorcing. Short of that, forget it. That was how I managed not to do anything foolish. Don't know if this is of any help to you, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in having wavering days. Hang in there.
silverplanets Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Hey, Joey. Glad you are doing better. We all have those bad days. The question is what to do with them -- and whether the choices we make aid or impede our moving forward. The longer I go NC (6 weeks now), the more it seems that when I do have one of "those" days, I can somehow manage to put off any action I might regret. For example, yesterday was 6 weeks exactly of total NC. I was surprised all at once by how much I wanted to get an update -- (you know, "are you any closer to leaving?") -- but I made myself sit down and write out, like a script almost, the possible responses that reaching out to my xMW might bring. It appeared clear to me that no matter what her reply, it absolutely could not bring me anything good. If she said yes, I would be back waiting for her; if she said no, I'd be disappointed and hurt, and no doubt back to square one; and if she said she didn't know, or too soon to tell, I'd be back in hopeful limbo. No matter which it was, I would no longer be moving on into my own future. I would lose all the progress made at a price of incredible pain. Worse, the very reaching out would send a message to her that I, who after all had insisted she not contact me again unless it was to tell me of her divorce, could not live up to my own declaration and was still on her hook. I decided I would not give her that satisfaction -- she was the one who chose to stop seeing me when D-Day came, and after a few weeks of LC, it was my choice was to go NC, for my own sake. I reminded myself that she knows that she can contact me IF she is divorcing. Short of that, forget it. That was how I managed not to do anything foolish. Don't know if this is of any help to you, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in having wavering days. Hang in there. Hi MC, You are spot on .. if she was actually divorced (or had even filed) and wanted to contact you then she would be able to find a way .. and it would be open, honest and above board. Your analysis of where contacting would leave you is also correct - there is no good outcome - unless you are happy to go back to just being an add-on to her H. Even if she does D, she is likely to spend 1-2 years flip-flopping back and forth to her H as guilt, confusion and underlying issues work their way through. From a 9 months NC perspective though, I just wanted to add something ..... firstly, I agree with you, as time goes on these "urges" to contact to get easier to side-step ... even if you have to resort to Jedi-mind games on yourself at times just to prevent hitting send. (My advice: do anything as required to prevent hitting send on the same day as you composed the email ... ) Secondly , I've come to picture my connections to her (addiction, dependance, call it what you will) .. as not being solid, but as being actually a bundle of smaller strands ... and each of these has a different strength/elacsticity and so breaks at a different point in the "distancing" / moving on process. My actual point is that I started to notice that an urge to contact seemed to happen just before another of the strands snapped. It's almost as if it's a last "cry" from that strand before it's severed. Nowadays I've come to expect it .. and almost welcome any urge to contact or resurfacing as it always means somethign else in any links I have left to her is about to let go .. Hope this makes some kind of sense ... It;s almost like there are a great many connections and each one surfaces at it's own time and then dies. but as each one surfaces it brings with it emotions and memories which show up as an increased urge to contact. OK, enough visualising now :)
silverplanets Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Thank you. Yes, better. Thank you all so much. I hesitated to even look at this thread today. I was expecting to be smacked around a little bit. I do well for a while, and then I have a bad day. I am sincerely thankful for the well wishes. Hi Joey, I don't think anyone would smack you around for honestly expressing the anguish of letting go. .. you may have got a few baseball bats around the head if you had' emailed though !!!! Every time you survive a bad day then you weaken your link to them and strenghen your belief in yourself. You are now strong enough to let yourself feel these emotions, analyse them and choose how you react to them (rather than just get over-whelmed) .... how strong does that make you !!! :) Well done
Fieldsofgold Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 As one of my "kids" told me, when you're having a bad day and missing her, just remember that for every beautiful, awesome, amazing woman --- there's a man who's tired of putting up with her $h*t!
silverplanets Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 As one of my "kids" told me, when you're having a bad day and missing her, just remember that for every beautiful, awesome, amazing woman --- there's a man who's tired of putting up with her $h*t! Now that's funny!!!! :):) Your kid gets my "hero of the week" award
Fieldsofgold Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Now that's funny!!!! :):) Your kid gets my "hero of the week" award Thank you. They are my heroes, too!
MorningCoffee Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Hi MC, You are spot on .. if she was actually divorced (or had even filed) and wanted to contact you then she would be able to find a way .. and it would be open, honest and above board. Your analysis of where contacting would leave you is also correct - there is no good outcome - unless you are happy to go back to just being an add-on to her H. Even if she does D, she is likely to spend 1-2 years flip-flopping back and forth to her H as guilt, confusion and underlying issues work their way through. From a 9 months NC perspective though, I just wanted to add something ..... firstly, I agree with you, as time goes on these "urges" to contact to get easier to side-step ... even if you have to resort to Jedi-mind games on yourself at times just to prevent hitting send. (My advice: do anything as required to prevent hitting send on the same day as you composed the email ... ) Secondly , I've come to picture my connections to her (addiction, dependance, call it what you will) .. as not being solid, but as being actually a bundle of smaller strands ... and each of these has a different strength/elacsticity and so breaks at a different point in the "distancing" / moving on process. My actual point is that I started to notice that an urge to contact seemed to happen just before another of the strands snapped. It's almost as if it's a last "cry" from that strand before it's severed. Nowadays I've come to expect it .. and almost welcome any urge to contact or resurfacing as it always means somethign else in any links I have left to her is about to let go .. Hope this makes some kind of sense ... It;s almost like there are a great many connections and each one surfaces at it's own time and then dies. but as each one surfaces it brings with it emotions and memories which show up as an increased urge to contact. OK, enough visualising now :) SP, Thanks! It's heartening to hear that recurrences of the urge to contact can actually be signs of progress in healing and letting go, not of backsliding. I really like your image of strands. I posted earlier, when I was struggling, of a similar image I used to help me let go of the deepest bonds that had formed. I "saw" white doves carry the strands off from my heart to my past where they'd use them to build a nest; there my warm and loving memories would repose and I'd someday be able to recall us and those memories without pain. I am curious, and pose this question to you, to Joey, the OP, and any other guys out there. . . I constantly see references to the effect that to heal and move on a stage of feeling anger at the former AP is required. Yet, my xMW and I were both quite adult and forthright about everything, and were as honest as we could be under the circumstances of the truncated relationship that is an affair. I was at least as implicated as she in all the fantasy that goes on too. I cannot feel any great anger. Sadness, yes. What has been your experience on the anger question?
Fieldsofgold Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Thank you. Yes, better. Thank you all so much. I hesitated to even look at this thread today. I was expecting to be smacked around a little bit. I do well for a while, and then I have a bad day. I am sincerely thankful for the well wishes. I do feel like smacking *her* around. It seems to me that she enjoys toying with your heart, and THAT makes me angry.
Recommended Posts