tojaz Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 So her I am, trying to move on. Trying to date. Its been a year for gods sake! I date a few girls and I guess its painted on my face. They all think I'm married. Dont want to get involved with a married man. Heard it a couple of times, even though I'm NOT! Its in my eyes On the other front I have friends pressuring me to contact my ex. Still! Its been forever, havent laid eyes on her in almost a year and i'm pretty sure she couldn't be happier about that. One friend asked me if i was scared and the answer is yes! I'm scared to death of being damaged further. Theres not much left! Yet the wound stays open and the questions swirl, with every thread every post, every thought in trying to move on, others see new hope that there may be some magic bullet, and I so sick of feeling so discarded and unloved buy into it hook line and sinker. At the same time the ex writes me today asking me to hold off on the refi on the house. Because shes afraid I'm being taken advantage of. Wants to see the papers etc!!!! I'm too dumb to tell if shes honestly looking out for me, or not. All the understanding I thought I had and here comes another curve ball to toss it right out the window. Pages and pages of posts never even posted here, and for what? So I guess I give up. Some people just aren't supposed to be happy because everytime I get close something comes out of left field to knock me back in the slump even a year later, happy times are fresh on my mind yet seem so far away at the same time. Friends vanish, life goes on, but just barely. Just enough to get through the day, through the week. Not life, just existence, trudging through the days just to get it over with. Happy, sad, together, alone. JUST PLEASE LET IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
trippi1432 Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 So her I am, trying to move on. Trying to date. Its been a year for gods sake! I date a few girls and I guess its painted on my face. They all think I'm married. Dont want to get involved with a married man. Heard it a couple of times, even though I'm NOT! Its in my eyes On the other front I have friends pressuring me to contact my ex. Still! Its been forever, havent laid eyes on her in almost a year and i'm pretty sure she couldn't be happier about that. One friend asked me if i was scared and the answer is yes! I'm scared to death of being damaged further. Theres not much left! Yet the wound stays open and the questions swirl, with every thread every post, every thought in trying to move on, others see new hope that there may be some magic bullet, and I so sick of feeling so discarded and unloved buy into it hook line and sinker. At the same time the ex writes me today asking me to hold off on the refi on the house. Because shes afraid I'm being taken advantage of. Wants to see the papers etc!!!! I'm too dumb to tell if shes honestly looking out for me, or not. All the understanding I thought I had and here comes another curve ball to toss it right out the window. Pages and pages of posts never even posted here, and for what? So I guess I give up. Some people just aren't supposed to be happy because everytime I get close something comes out of left field to knock me back in the slump even a year later, happy times are fresh on my mind yet seem so far away at the same time. Friends vanish, life goes on, but just barely. Just enough to get through the day, through the week. Not life, just existence, trudging through the days just to get it over with. Happy, sad, together, alone. JUST PLEASE LET IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I try to get away from here and from those that rip my heart out....go see her...face up to her for God's sake to give you some peace of mind. There is no camp, just you and her and she is either using this as an excuse to see you or something because you are a pretty smart guy and would get the best deal. So...I call her on her BS, she wants to see you as I have told you for many months. So.....insulting.....good advice....bad advice...take it for what it is....quit f'ing it up over pride. A wise man told me that pride cometh before the fall....quit falling. Maybe there were things that happened over the year to make you appreciate her more, take those as lessons and let them go as such. Maybe the times when her ghost was embedded in your eyes was when you needed HER most....stop over thinking and go for it. I can't give you any better than that my friend, she is either the other part of you or you need to move on to greener pastures....but you can't make her something she isn't....you won't know what or who she is now until you face her. Good luck and wish you well. Trippi
You Go Girl Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 wow Tojaz, I need to re-read your initial threads. No need to give up! Think of that Beatles line--all the love you gave has all been meant for you.......
2.50 a gallon Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 I am not so sure about seeing her. Only if you are strong enough, and even then it can be painful. You know my story, went back to dating right away, with her claiming to want to reconcile. I also mentioned the holiday cards I received. Each one of them hurt, even the ones that I didn't open. A year after we separated, I ran into her at a block party. Seen her from a distance. Even though I was with someone, and I thought my roller coaster ride was over, it was a big dip I wasn't expecting. I steered away from her, so she never saw me.
PWSX3 Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 You know my situation, after a year my former wife contacted me & would like to reconcile. When she did contact me I asked my counselor what I should do? He said; meet with her & listen & see what she has to say. Just like tripp said; it will either give you closer or it might be a door you both want to open again. She said that she has not been happy since the divorce so you never know what the other person is thinking. I noticed you think your former wife is happy without you, you are assuming & that's not good. I know it might hurt but that is what relationships are all about. We put our heart out there knowing it might get stepped on but that is how we learn. I guess the question is; would you want another chance to work it out with her knowing the outcome might not be what you hope for????? If you want to take the chance, meet her someplace mutual, neutral. As for dating, a year isn't that long. You were with her for a while & you connected so yes dating is going to be a learning curve just like everything else. Good luck my friend.
trippi1432 Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 You know my situation, after a year my former wife contacted me & would like to reconcile. When she did contact me I asked my counselor what I should do? He said; meet with her & listen & see what she has to say. Just like tripp said; it will either give you closer or it might be a door you both want to open again. She said that she has not been happy since the divorce so you never know what the other person is thinking. I noticed you think your former wife is happy without you, you are assuming & that's not good. I know it might hurt but that is what relationships are all about. We put our heart out there knowing it might get stepped on but that is how we learn. I guess the question is; would you want another chance to work it out with her knowing the outcome might not be what you hope for????? If you want to take the chance, meet her someplace mutual, neutral. As for dating, a year isn't that long. You were with her for a while & you connected so yes dating is going to be a learning curve just like everything else. Good luck my friend. Interesting feedback there PW.....let's just put it this way Tojaz....picture a 3 month old beautiful blonde haired little girl and her daddy walks in with his current GF he left her and her mom for. Next, picture him leaving with the mom and his own daughter with the GF fuming. And that was at 24 years old....finally ended for good at 26 with the same girl getting pregnant. The fact is, you don't know what is going to happen, you really don't. You just have to prepare for anything and everything. As long as you prepare your mind for any situation that might arise, you can handle any situation that comes along. Don't expect anything from her and see where the ball lands. On the dating thing....PW is right....date your life away...you're young.....live life....you might find out there were other qualities about you that other's bring out that you didn't know you had. When you meet the right person, you will know it. (ducking as I know I am going to get my head taken off by this post...I was a LBS who has found great freedom thanks to my WAS. I'm telling ya, read Boundaries...it's not a book like you think it is, it's a book about establishing how you want to be treated and how you treat others)
PWSX3 Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 You have learned a lot this last year, maybe she has too.... You will never know unless you talk. Treat her like any other date you would be with. Even if you started to date again, your relationship won't be like it was before, you don't want it to be. You are two different people hopefully because of it & if not then it won't work..
Steadfast Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Tojaz, Honestly, I don't believe any good will come from meeting her, and skip her offer to 'check' your finances. More than likely it's a way to lessen her guilt, Like; 'See? I'm not so bad! I'll make sure you're not paying too much for your mortgage!' Let me guess, she wants to be friends too? Please. Do your re-fi, leave her out of it and tell her thanks but no thanks. You know what Tojaz? I still love my ex too, and I'm in another (great) relationship with a woman who really cares about me. Still, no matter what's happened, when I see her there's a bit of sting. I'm attracted too -still- she looks good in jeans and her beauty remains. But, I'm forced to remind myself, so what? She's rarely here, she rarely helps with the kids, she's sexing other men (one married, with kids) and carries around the same issues she always did. It's refreshing to not be in her web of pain. And I mean it. I sometimes put myself in the place of the men she sees, and really wonder what they think when she tells them of her life, choices and decisions. I imagine their wonder...worry...and resistance. Sure, she might snow them or blame me, but spend much time with her and the truth of her existence is bound to be made clear. There is no hiding it. I'll end this with two pieces of advice. First, I have fully accepted the fact that I was rejected as a husband and a man. My wife didn't want me, lied, cheated and went somewhere else for fulfillment. I have used this to my advantage by installing humility into my life, which allows me to be less self-centered. I am not the end all or God's gift to women, yet, I am not a victim either. I knew her faults. Her decisions mixed with mine equals where I now am in life. The son comes up. Happiness is my wish to pursue Second, I stopped taking myself so seriously. Compared to others, my problems are minor. I have my health, the love of my kids, family, friends, working challenges. I kid you not Tojaz; the ex is floored by my ability to simply be who I am. Once, in a twist and emotional, she wailed "I'm just not attracted to you anymore!!" I replied "I know" and followed it with a smile. Before the night was over, I had a phone message (that I erased) and two texts. The first was complimentary the second, "I love you". I erased them, washed the dishes and drifted off listening to Robin Trower.
SRV Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 From Steadfast is very sound advise that I would recommend to be embraced wholly.
cyabye Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Continue NO CONTACT. It's only been a year. Going on over 2 years for me and I still battle the roller coaster every now and then. It would be a lot better if I didn't have to have any contact at all but we have children together. Why open yourself up for more hurt and confusion? You're a big boy. Your finances are your own business. Remain NO CONTACT. Cya
Author tojaz Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 Sigh! Refi is going on as planned, so long as she signs what she needs to sign. Told her nicely and politely that the loan was not her concern. Trying very hard to keep my guard up, but not slam any doors either. I get an Email back that has had me beating my head against a wall. Starts off all business as usual then slowly transitions from to her plans for the future including buying a home (during the D she said that was the last thing she wanted and hated being tied to the house.) and then becomes friendly! Hows your health, bet the cats big! Pet her for me! Tells me about her cat etc! For someone that didn't want to have to care about anybody, she sure wants me to know about her life! Pulling my hair out and not sure how to respond.
Art_Critic Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Tojaz.. IMO she is just being nice.. enough time has passed and she is treating you like a friend not a foe. Don't read into anything that she has done so far.. If she were to want more then she will come out and let you know.
carhill Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 When this went down a year ago, you read books, joined LS and sought counseling. She found solace with an ex, an ex who had not been part of her life (presumably) during the 10 years you were together nor the subsequent two years you were married. She proactively moved to end the marriage. Accept that. Truthfully, is there really anything about her, at all, which has changed? Think objectively about that. Unlike yourself, our divorce and property settlement has been much more lengthly, so stbx and I must remain in contact. She's more polite now than when we were married, but she's still a Hoover. I haven't witnessed one proactive gesture of care, kindness or common decency yet. I love my new boundaries Examine yours. What's really going on...?
Art_Critic Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Truthfully, is there really anything about her, at all, which has changed? Think objectively about that. When I first read the thread and the OP my first thought was " go back and read your old threads and relive some of what happened and how you got to where you are today "
cyabye Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 When this went down a year ago, you read books, joined LS and sought counseling. She found solace with an ex, an ex who had not been part of her life (presumably) during the 10 years you were together nor the subsequent two years you were married. She proactively moved to end the marriage. Accept that. Truthfully, is there really anything about her, at all, which has changed? Think objectively about that. Unlike yourself, our divorce and property settlement has been much more lengthly, so stbx and I must remain in contact. She's more polite now than when we were married, but she's still a Hoover. I haven't witnessed one proactive gesture of care, kindness or common decency yet. I love my new boundaries Examine yours. What's really going on...? Well said CH. I don't believe in being friends after something like this has happened but that's just me. I sense a snake in the grass....again that's my perception. Just do what you have to do and then NC. This little bit of contact is tearing you apart already. DO yourself a favor and limit contact to business until it's done. Then NC. She made her choice and forced you to live with it. Make her so the same. Cya
dgiirl Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 So I guess I give up. Some people just aren't supposed to be happy because everytime I get close something comes out of left field to knock me back in the slump even a year later, happy times are fresh on my mind yet seem so far away at the same time. Friends vanish, life goes on, but just barely. Just enough to get through the day, through the week. Not life, just existence, trudging through the days just to get it over with. Happy, sad, together, alone. JUST PLEASE LET IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone's giving you advice about seeing your ex. So I won't add anything else to that. However, as for it being a year and women not wanting to get involved just yet, give yourself a break. A year is not that long! You've done a lot of healing already, but you have a lot more healing to do! I didn't start dating until 2.5 years after my separation, and even then, I was a complete basket case when I started dating. My current man has been completely understanding throughout the whole process but I would not have blamed him for a second if he had split. I don't think I would have stuck around if the shoes were reverse. It's going to take time. It might take another 2 or 3 or 4 years until you are ready to start dating. That doesnt mean your life should be put on hold and the only source of happiness you can gain is from a romantic relationship. Right now, your romantic relationships mojo is in the toilet. Stop stressing about it and stop trying to force it. Put all that energy into getting the rest of your life back into order. Build up your support group, go make new friends, take up a new hobby, gain happiness from simple ordinary things. Once you can find and create happiness with the rest of your life, I assure you, the romantic relationship will happen. You need to find yourself again. You need to go back to the single person you were before, the active, fun, sociable, interesting, loving person who makes you special and unique and who didn't need anyone else to make them happy. The person who was confident and self assured. The person who was very attractive because of that confidence. No one wants to be responsible for someone else's happiness and no one wants to be with someone who still has pain from a previous relationship. As long as you are _needing_ (desperately) a relationship to make you happy, the women will stay away. So you need to figure out how to make yourself happy with being single. And there are a _lot_ of things to be thankful for while being single. Once you have the rest of your life in order, your mojo will be irresistible. I've seen it time and time again. Those who are needing a relationship to make them happy, keeps struggling with obtaining a relationship. Once they let go and accept they are single and they find HAPPINESS with that, someone comes along. It's all about your frame of mind.
trippi1432 Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Everyone's giving you advice about seeing your ex. So I won't add anything else to that. However, as for it being a year and women not wanting to get involved just yet, give yourself a break. A year is not that long! You've done a lot of healing already, but you have a lot more healing to do! I didn't start dating until 2.5 years after my separation, and even then, I was a complete basket case when I started dating. My current man has been completely understanding throughout the whole process but I would not have blamed him for a second if he had split. I don't think I would have stuck around if the shoes were reverse. It's going to take time. It might take another 2 or 3 or 4 years until you are ready to start dating. That doesnt mean your life should be put on hold and the only source of happiness you can gain is from a romantic relationship. Right now, your romantic relationships mojo is in the toilet. Stop stressing about it and stop trying to force it. Put all that energy into getting the rest of your life back into order. Build up your support group, go make new friends, take up a new hobby, gain happiness from simple ordinary things. Once you can find and create happiness with the rest of your life, I assure you, the romantic relationship will happen. You need to find yourself again. You need to go back to the single person you were before, the active, fun, sociable, interesting, loving person who makes you special and unique and who didn't need anyone else to make them happy. The person who was confident and self assured. The person who was very attractive because of that confidence. No one wants to be responsible for someone else's happiness and no one wants to be with someone who still has pain from a previous relationship. As long as you are _needing_ (desperately) a relationship to make you happy, the women will stay away. So you need to figure out how to make yourself happy with being single. And there are a _lot_ of things to be thankful for while being single. Once you have the rest of your life in order, your mojo will be irresistible. I've seen it time and time again. Those who are needing a relationship to make them happy, keeps struggling with obtaining a relationship. Once they let go and accept they are single and they find HAPPINESS with that, someone comes along. It's all about your frame of mind. A lot of truth in that post....the next relationship can be harder due to baggage.....best thing is to try and get away from that pain anyway you know how (or at least escape it awhile). You know if you force a square peg in a round hole it's not going to fit. Just hang in there.
PWSX3 Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 You know if you force a square peg in a round hole it's not going to fit. If you have a big enough hammer it sure will....:lmao:
trippi1432 Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 If you have a big enough hammer it sure will....:lmao: Rolling eyes!!!!! PW, I WOULD expect that from you!! LOL!!
Gunny376 Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 So her I am, trying to move on. Trying to date. Its been a year for gods sake! I date a few girls and I guess its painted on my face. They all think I'm married. Don't want to get involved with a married man. Heard it a couple of times, even though I'm NOT! Its in my eyes On the other front I have friends pressuring me to contact my ex. Still! Its been forever, haven't laid eyes on her in almost a year and I'm pretty sure she couldn't be happier about that. One friend asked me if i was scared and the answer is yes! I'm scared to death of being damaged further. There's not much left! Yet the wound stays open and the questions swirl, with every thread every post, every thought in trying to move on, others see new hope that there may be some magic bullet, and I so sick of feeling so discarded and unloved buy into it hook line and sinker. At the same time the ex writes me today asking me to hold off on the refi on the house. Because shes afraid I'm being taken advantage of. Wants to see the papers etc!!!! I'm too dumb to tell if shes honestly looking out for me, or not. All the understanding I thought I had and here comes another curve ball to toss it right out the window. Pages and pages of posts never even posted here, and for what? So I guess I give up. Some people just aren't supposed to be happy because every-time I get close something comes out of left field to knock me back in the slump even a year later, happy times are fresh on my mind yet seem so far away at the same time. Friends vanish, life goes on, but just barely. Just enough to get through the day, through the week. Not life, just existence, trudging through the days just to get it over with. Happy, sad, together, alone. JUST PLEASE LET IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your going through what I call the "Storms of Life" they just keep rolling in one after the other. Seems as they're never going to stop. We all go through them, none of us are exempt from them. Sooner or later we're all going to go through them in one shape, form or fashion. For some? Its seems that they've the worse of it ~ when in fact! There's always going to be someone that has it worse than you and some that have fit less. Its all relative to the individual person. Mine went something like this ~ lying, cheating two-timing wife. First "Girl Gone Wild" Then girls night out. At first it was every Friday night, then every Friday and Saturday night, then ever Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. Then the separation ~ then the divorce ~ then the credit collectors calling ~ then the IRS (XHEX through me under the bus), barely scrapping by my last four years, (THANK GOD Congress passed a law that said once a enlisted service member got past their eighteenth year end the only way they could put you out was if you committed a capital offense) In at lot of ways I was at the top of my game my last four years in the Corps. But personally and emotionally I was barely getting by. I got to drinking pretty once the XHEX started her crap. She told me, "I'm tell the Marine Corps about your drinking problem!" I told her ~ "Go ahead! Your part of the cause of it!" to which she asked me what did I mean by that? "Your acting single and I"m drinking doubles!" The trouble with drinking is that eventually you begin to drink more and more. Eventually one's too many, and a thousands not enough. I had some issues from my twenty in the Corps. I wasn't a 'snake-eater" regular ground pounder ~ but I've seen, remember enough to forever change you from who you were to who you become. In the job that I have now? I work for a retired Army Reserve Master Sergeant who told me to either get help or get gone. I wasn't going into work drunk, nor even severely hung over? But in my line of work you've got to know the difference between <.0001 and and .00015 I couldnint go the AA route, and since I've got really good medical coverage through the military I decided to go an see a pyschologist. Wasn't as terriable as I expected ~ really nice, educated, understanding guy. Told me I was depressed, suffering from anxiety, and PTSD. (Not near as bad as most or even some ~ but enough to keep me awake for days. I use to get really PO at the least little things, people PMO, situations PMO, I ws having a really hard time adjusting to civilian life ~ the differences in efficiences and in-efficiences. I went from carrying and giving a damn about any and every little thing ~ to overall general attitude out here in civilian la~la land of "Why should you care? Why should give a damn? Why should even let it even bother you. What's it to you? I got on AD's (Antidepressents) and Anxiety Drugs. They helped a lot ~ not that they make me stoned out of my gourd? But I'm less stressed out, get angry less, go "Gunny" mode on other people less. I don't worry about anything even though I've still have most of the same problems that I had say two or three months ago. In fact? I'm not worried, stressed about much of anything. I sleep better and more solid. There were side effects in that for awhile there all I wanted to do was sleep ~ but I"ve overcame that. And I there was problems with severe constipation. I'm more friendlier now, speak more respectfully now to others, treat others the way I would want to be treated were I they? I say things like "Sir", Ma'am, Thank You, Appreciate you, Thanks!" I PO one foreman at work so bad that he wouldn't even speak to me for nine months, now he and I are good friends. Its not the X's place to be concerned about the re-fi unless it directly concerns and or affects her. In short your business isn't any of her business. If her name is still on the note? Than she has a right to have a vested interest in it ~ but through a second party ~ not directly toward you. Let me clue you in tojaz! Your not just a good person? Your a good man. With a lot of love to give to the right woman! What one would abuse? Another can certainly use. Your the kind of guy that would dive in front of a bus to save someone, or without hesitation jump into a frezzing cold rive to rescue someone ~ you would have made on fine damn Marine! But caring, giving of oneself, too much of oneself, loving too much? Is not always a good thing. In the twenty years since I've been divorced, (Read the article in "Men's Health" interview with Bruce Willis) I've learned a lot about myself, women, relationships, being a husband, being a father. The fact of the matter is? I was 22 when I got married. I was just too damned young, in-experienced, dumb, ignorant (just didn't know any better), didn't know what I was getting into nor what I was doing. I literally didn't understand the differences in how men and women's brains are wired, think, preceive, comprehend. Men meet a woman and say "She's a nice person!" While women instantly comprehend and understand, "She's a bitch and a slut and sleeping with every many for five counties around!" And they're right! I was flying by the seat of my pants! Don't meet up with ex! Its did, done and over with and serves no usefull purpose. If you've got doubts about the re-fi? Consult with a real estate agent, a buyers agent, a real estate attorney. Hate to say it Bro, but she's not out for you interest! She's looking out for her own! She's wanting to see the re-fi to make sure she's not hanging for anything that may cause her trouble down the road. Meanwhile go and see your MD ~ who will probally refer you to a pyschologist ~ they will get on the phone and consult with one another with a two to four week/ month up with both you and themseleves. Your real only problem is in making sure that your MD and pyscholgist are in direct communication with your insurance company, in so far as pre-authorization. Pyschologist are good if for nothing else? Your paying them (or at least your insurance company is) to listen to you bitch, moan and groan.
trippi1432 Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Your going through what I call the "Storms of Life" they just keep rolling in one after the other. Seems as they're never going to stop. One of the best things I did was direct my ex to the register of deeds office to sign off on a Free Trader agreement since he had no vested interest in the property, but everyone's story is different. Its not the X's place to be concerned about the re-fi unless it directly concerns and or affects her. In short your business isn't any of her business. If her name is still on the note? Than she has a right to have a vested interest in it ~ but through a second party ~ not directly toward you. Let me clue you in tojaz! Your not just a good person? Your a good man. With a lot of love to give to the right woman! What one would abuse? Another can certainly use. Your the kind of guy that would dive in front of a bus to save someone, or without hesitation jump into a frezzing cold rive to rescue someone ~ you would have made on fine damn Marine! But caring, giving of oneself, too much of oneself, loving too much? Is not always a good thing. I agree with this Tojaz...there are some people out there that are just too f*'d up to be saved. I was reading in Boundaries where we all carry our knapsacks of burdens and along comes a friend, loved one or even a stranger carrying a boulder. It's okay to help them with that boulder, but you should not carry their burden alone, they should be willing to put forth the effort to carry it and lighten the load for you both. That is what Boundaries are about, it's not about putting up walls or closing doors. This is something that I have been trying to tell you since I met you on LS...not a direct opposite, but compassion and caring can only go too far or you would all be living in my home right now. Don't meet up with ex! Its did, done and over with and serves no usefull purpose. If you've got doubts about the re-fi? Consult with a real estate agent, a buyers agent, a real estate attorney. Hate to say it Bro, but she's not out for you interest! She's looking out for her own! She's wanting to see the re-fi to make sure she's not hanging for anything that may cause her trouble down the road. Even tho I could give a crap about what my ex does now, once he opens his mouth about money, I know nothing good is going to come of it. Have decided to move to the Cayman Islands, get blond dreadlocks and rent surfboards out of a hut. That is if the flipping Caribbean doesn't eventually sink due to all the earthquakes.:D:D Meanwhile go and see your MD ~ who will probally refer you to a pyschologist ~ they will get on the phone and consult with one another with a two to four week/ month up with both you and themseleves. Your real only problem is in making sure that your MD and pyscholgist are in direct communication with your insurance company, in so far as pre-authorization. Pyschologist are good if for nothing else? Your paying them (or at least your insurance company is) to listen to you bitch, moan and groan. So, how many camps are there now? Because the only camp I was ever in was the Tojaz camp...the other two were all about her. I'm sorry that was confusing.
Author tojaz Posted June 5, 2010 Author Posted June 5, 2010 Folks, Theres a lot of great advice here, and I'm reading it all and honestly agree with most of it. The bad part is though, is that i am not necessarily better off without her. I changed my life an awful lot because of her, and i am a better man for it. She inspired changes in me that I direly needed to make in my life. That weighs heavy on me. Something to ponder for myself. Many people want to get back to how they were when they were single while going through this. I never want to see that person again. Refi is done and will be official in a few days. Strange thing is... she seems to want to continue the conversation via Email. Nothing meaningful, but nothing business either. Just idle chit chat like we used to do. Not really in response to anything. Trying to figure.... probably overthinking, but it is nice to see a glimpse of the old her in her words. Havent seen that in a long time.
carhill Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 probably overthinking LOL, that's called remembering the good times. The hard part is separating the person from the times. You *both* were changed by your M and became the people you are today, in part, because of the M. That doesn't change intrinsic compatibility/incompatibility dynamics. IMO, and I'm living this, when you can have contact with her and not have these thoughts, you are ready to move on, either with someone else *or* with her in a completely new and fresh potential. As long as either of you pushes good or bad buttons to the past, you will still be in the past. Reflect upon that. Good luck
trippi1432 Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 (edited) Folks, Theres a lot of great advice here, and I'm reading it all and honestly agree with most of it. The bad part is though, is that i am not necessarily better off without her. I changed my life an awful lot because of her, and i am a better man for it. She inspired changes in me that I direly needed to make in my life. That weighs heavy on me. Something to ponder for myself. Many people want to get back to how they were when they were single while going through this. I never want to see that person again. Refi is done and will be official in a few days. Strange thing is... she seems to want to continue the conversation via Email. Nothing meaningful, but nothing business either. Just idle chit chat like we used to do. Not really in response to anything. Trying to figure.... probably overthinking, but it is nice to see a glimpse of the old her in her words. Havent seen that in a long time. It's not that you are better off without her, you became a better man for knowing her and letting her in your life. Yes, you changed your life because of her and because you loved her. Guess what, both of my ex's told me that same exact thing....and it was true. If my second ex had stayed in his state, he would be dead by now...alcohol...drugs...etc. In those 15 years, I showed him the good, the bad and the ugly and he chose the middle ground...comfortable, not with me, but with someone who made him feel that way. My first ex went on to be faithful and got cheated on by his second wife. I had a discussion with my almost 15 year old son the other night...I wasted a lot of our lives thinking that I was the only one that knew what our family needed or wanted. And today, absolutely none of it even matters. When I should have been spending time with my kids and being happy, I was going to school and working. (Not even considering the ex, since the only time he spent not working was not sober.) I would be a happier person putting the past 20 years of my life behind me, but not possible. Bottom line, you both learned....don't play her game and be the string-along...It's not pretty and (from experience) it just continues to lower your self esteem and self-worth. Many people want to get back to how they were when they were single while going through this. I never want to see that person again. One more thing on this, most folks do want to get back to the when they were happier...that definition is different for everyone....for some it was when they knew what optimism was before the life smacked them in the face....metaphor....don't take it seriously. Everyone here had grown and learned something....but there was a charisma/charm/an attitude or confidence that made us who we were back then....we don't all want to do "stupid" all over again in some cases. LOL!! Edited June 5, 2010 by trippi1432 add
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