cdt76 Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I no longer count the months that have gone by since the disaster. I no longer cry myself to sleep or drink so heavily that I pass out. Eating again, but gained all the weight back that was lost. Not as angry lately, though periods of severe mood swings cause so much hatred to build up that I basically shut down. What I'm writing about today has little to do with the physical aspect of my life. What I'm writing about is how severely I have changed because of all this. I used to be a fun outgoing and likeable guy. People would gravitate towards me because of my personality. Today, that guy only appears for brief periods when I'm home alone and usually drunk. The worst part about me now, is two fold: First, I lack focus in just about every aspect of my like. It's like someone turned on white noise in my head and fog covers my eyes. Thinking has become cumbersome and chaotic and I make stupid mistakes that I would never have made a year ago. Attention deficit, maybe, but I'd rather believe that it's merely a total disregard for my performance or a general lack of concern about what others might think of me anymore. Second, I am very quick to turn people off. I have no problem cutting someone out of my life. Even people I really cared about. My attitude, for good or bad, is F-them, F-them all. I hate all these things about me now but I am too wounded to let anyone close to me. I'm too hurt to trust anyone. I date but it all ends the same. I push people away and want no one to know me. I hate all these things. I hate living in a shell that used to be me.
USMCHokie Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I went through a similar F* everyone phase...and it's definitely not a healthy way to live...and you definitely cannot date while you're in this phase...how can you attract decent women if you hate everything about yourself...? Find something that you do that you're proud of...there has to be something...or something you can work on improving that you know you will be proud of...it can be something small, it can be something big...but something that will make you feel accomplished and happy to be YOU...that's the first step in all of this...learning to be happy to be you again... There's nothing anyone can do to help you until you decide to help yourself and pull your head from out of your ass...
Author cdt76 Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 The thing is Hokie, that I do like myself. I have found a couple of things that I am really proud of and put a lot of effort into. Work just doesn't happen to be it...anymore. But why do I automatically assume someone is trying to get over on me? Or why do I look for the ulterior motive in others? But as far as trusting others or giving them any opening into my comfort zone, I get hostile. How long does this phase last? Because I'm about to run off my only two friends.
USMCHokie Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 The past will definitely haunt you for a while...your ex gave you the reason not to trust her...and you've extended that distrust to everyone around you... My f-off phase lasted for a little while after the breakup...but how I fixed myself...? I took a vacation...week long cruise by myself where I didn't have to carry my trust issues with me...meeting completely new people who didn't know who I was...I could be whoever I wanted to be, and eventually the real me came out and I met lots of people who liked the real me...I forced myself to let them into my comfort zone because they had no reason to pull one over on me...I'd only see them for a week and we were all there for the same reason...to have fun... After that, I disappeared off the face of the social planet for about a month...I stayed down in Florida for about a month with a couple of my closest friends, had plenty of alone time, had some fun time, and pretty much unf*cked myself...when I came back to reality, I was a lot better than before...
Author cdt76 Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 I'd like a vacation. I just can't afford it. That's the crappy part.
USMCHokie Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I'd like a vacation. I just can't afford it. That's the crappy part. Then take a "vacation" from some aspect of your life...whether it be your friends, or your job, or even some of your hobbies...change things up a little bit...if you find that you can't trust people just yet, then take a break from them without completely burning down the bridge...
Author cdt76 Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 Do you feel that you changed anyway after what you went through?
USMCHokie Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Do you feel that you changed anyway after what you went through? Yes, absolutely. A lot of your fear of trust is based on emotion...emotions drawn from your breakup...time alone and away from other people helped me calm those emotions and thinking a lot more rationally...I was just like you right after the breakup (and I have LS threads to prove it...) I swore I would never trust a woman again and would never give my heart to anyone...but all those feelings were emotionally driven and were strongest right after the breakup...after some time alone and time with friends I would trust with my life, the emotions subsided and I was able to think with my head again and realize that people have the capacity to be good and worthy of your trust... So yes, I've changed significantly from the days of the breakup...I feel I can trust women again until they give me a reason otherwise...but don't get me wrong, I'm a lot smarter about it now...with my head...but I'm willing to give my heart again...and I'm sure you will too...
Feelin Frisky Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I no longer count the months that have gone by since the disaster. I no longer cry myself to sleep or drink so heavily that I pass out. Eating again, but gained all the weight back that was lost. Not as angry lately, though periods of severe mood swings cause so much hatred to build up that I basically shut down. What I'm writing about today has little to do with the physical aspect of my life. What I'm writing about is how severely I have changed because of all this. I used to be a fun outgoing and likeable guy. People would gravitate towards me because of my personality. Today, that guy only appears for brief periods when I'm home alone and usually drunk. The worst part about me now, is two fold: First, I lack focus in just about every aspect of my like. It's like someone turned on white noise in my head and fog covers my eyes. Thinking has become cumbersome and chaotic and I make stupid mistakes that I would never have made a year ago. Attention deficit, maybe, but I'd rather believe that it's merely a total disregard for my performance or a general lack of concern about what others might think of me anymore. Second, I am very quick to turn people off. I have no problem cutting someone out of my life. Even people I really cared about. My attitude, for good or bad, is F-them, F-them all. I hate all these things about me now but I am too wounded to let anyone close to me. I'm too hurt to trust anyone. I date but it all ends the same. I push people away and want no one to know me. I hate all these things. I hate living in a shell that used to be me. My friend, I can totally ID with you. But alcohol is terrible for you--it keeps you from absorbing vital vitamins and nutrients that are essential for maintaining a healthy and stable mind. Cease being your own doctor and find a way to see a psychiatrist and get on a good Seratonin RI medication. To me it was like putting a pair of eyeglasses on a totally out of focus mind. Psychotherapy is kinda horse**** that was made up much decades before real medication that can reliably treat your causes and not just tamp down your symptoms. AA or 12 steps to me is mind puke that makes me hostile. The most important thing is wanting to get better and be marketable once again and good nutrition, oxygenation of the brain through exercise and a relationship with a good psychiatrist who accepts that you are the boss and thus will try other meds you may not take to is how to let go of the past. When after a time you know you've made great progress, you'll walk around with your head up and think mostly about what you can do to make progress today instead of falling back into the woe-is-me quagmire.
Author cdt76 Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 Man, you say things and you have no idea how deep they go. The people who betrayed me, ARE people that, on occasion, I have to trust my life with. I say on occasion now because I no longer will work with any of them that screwed me over but don't have the luxury of dictating that everyday. These are people I had complete trust in and loved like a brothers. And you are right, I transfer my mistrust and anger onto others now because I do not want to ever be manipulated and hurt like that again. My defense mechanism is to throw everyone into the same bath water and leave them all but unfortunately, I have to come to work and be reminded of it all everyday. Not to say that, I'm not better than I was right afterwards. I am. Just not nearly the same person I was and not the person I really loved.
Ilovecake Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I no longer count the months that have gone by since the disaster. I no longer cry myself to sleep or drink so heavily that I pass out. Eating again, but gained all the weight back that was lost. Not as angry lately, though periods of severe mood swings cause so much hatred to build up that I basically shut down. What I'm writing about today has little to do with the physical aspect of my life. What I'm writing about is how severely I have changed because of all this. I used to be a fun outgoing and likeable guy. People would gravitate towards me because of my personality. Today, that guy only appears for brief periods when I'm home alone and usually drunk. The worst part about me now, is two fold: First, I lack focus in just about every aspect of my like. It's like someone turned on white noise in my head and fog covers my eyes. Thinking has become cumbersome and chaotic and I make stupid mistakes that I would never have made a year ago. Attention deficit, maybe, but I'd rather believe that it's merely a total disregard for my performance or a general lack of concern about what others might think of me anymore. Second, I am very quick to turn people off. I have no problem cutting someone out of my life. Even people I really cared about. My attitude, for good or bad, is F-them, F-them all. I hate all these things about me now but I am too wounded to let anyone close to me. I'm too hurt to trust anyone. I date but it all ends the same. I push people away and want no one to know me. I hate all these things. I hate living in a shell that used to be me. Sounds very much like clinical depression. Have you talked to a doctor about this?
Author cdt76 Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 Frisky, I started therapy and medication right afterwards, when I was about to put my co-worker in the hospital by a frontal assault with a steel baton. Over the course of the past year, he has provided me with some good and some bad medication. I'm not as angry as I used to be and take the mediation regularly as perscribed. I have cut down on the drinking and I do exercise. I think what has happened to me is an internal change in personality brought on by external forces. My new personality is not particularly someone I am used to. I don't talk much anymore, not as outgoing, and keep everyone away from me. It's very lonely at times and I use LS when I need to hear that voice inside of me....the one that I used to be. I didn't want to change. I like me. But I'm no longer the same guy when around people.
This Hurts Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I feel exactly the same. It's only been a little over two months for me, though, so I don't know if it's normal at this point. Keep us updated on any progress. I'd like to know how I can help myself, too
skydiveaddict Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I feel exactly the same. It's only been a little over two months for me, though, so I don't know if it's normal at this point. Keep us updated on any progress. I'd like to know how I can help myself, too So do I. I find that the anger and bitterness is a long time going. I think it's normal, but I hate feeling this way
just1guy Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 (edited) It's been five months since the event, and I'm definitely not the same as I used to be. I'm stuck in the anger phase where anyone and everything can easily piss me off now. I can still put on a different mask when I'm at work, but I can feel myself zoning out and not being able to focus like I used to. Edited June 4, 2010 by just1guy
Nikki Sahagin Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Of all the phases I went through, the anger phase was my safest phase. My anger made me feel strong, powerful and safe. Sometimes we get stuck in a phase and I definately returned to anger a few times, because it felt good! I felt self-righteous and bad and 'f everybody!' after being a doormat that was trampled on. But that stage will fall away, when you let yourself be vulnerable again and be patient with yourself. I'm a big animal lover and part of my 'salvation' was looking after animals; they taught me great patience, unconditional love and just helping things that need you. When I just couldn't take being around people, I spent time with the animals, and not in a mad cat lady kind of way.
Bolts Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 hehehe... lets see... resigned from my job due to my lack of being able to focus honestly. Dont worry though... I only took the job to be with her in the first place, so the error in judgment wasn't in leaving the job, it was in taking the job to begin with!!! ha ha ha hum.... yes... I have and will continue to acept MY errors in this relationship. I WILL grow from it, as we all should from all our lives experiences. She however, jumoed into another realationship and will NOT learn.... afterall... according to her everything was my fault afterall... hehehe... she is 19 and I am 35... clearly I am the child here...
Author cdt76 Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 It's odd because after the Anger phase I was expecting the acceptance or forgiveness part to come in. But that is no where to be found. Honestly, I don't know where I am. I know I'm incapable of emotionally connecting with anyone or anything, and that includes friends. So what is this called? It's like a smorgesborg of feelings that are all mixed together to form a sort of jelly. I'm not sad, angry, hurt, unhappy, lonely, complete, but at the same time, I'm all the above. What is this?!
nobmagnet Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 It's odd because after the Anger phase I was expecting the acceptance or forgiveness part to come in. But that is no where to be found. Honestly, I don't know where I am. I know I'm incapable of emotionally connecting with anyone or anything, and that includes friends. So what is this called? It's like a smorgesborg of feelings that are all mixed together to form a sort of jelly. I'm not sad, angry, hurt, unhappy, lonely, complete, but at the same time, I'm all the above. What is this?! the thing you need to do is cut yourself some slack:love: if you are about to chuck the last two mates you have then you know within yourself, you are not too great just now. I undersatnd most people assume its just soldiers that get post tramatic syndrome (cant spell lovie) but its not. Accept you might have it. Do some reading and reasearch into it as you shout it to me. i dont know about anyone else but when i realised i was unwell it was an horrific shock to start with but then when i started to understand it, i felt soooo much better. Gave myself some credit and mended ME. We all are different. I have had 15 months to mend me...........im very very nearly there and im really very proud of myself for the hard work I have put in. I am self sufficient in my own happiness and if pleasant chap who may or may not come along can join me and my kids for the ride but not at the expence of my own happiness again. My grandad came back from the 2nd world war in europe and was intollerant for many many years untill he talked to myself and my cousins. it was so sad it took him 50 years to do it. A waisted 50 years of PTS never aqknowleged or helped so very sad. He made his peace but almost too late. please look again at your symptoms babe. all my heart. Nobby xx ( yes i did leave but xxxxxxxx)
br0ken_w0lf Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 cdt76, every post in which you described how you feel really hit home with me so I had to reply. I don't count the months since my ex-wife left but it will be 3 years in August. I found the best frame of mind (ok, maybe not the best, but the most productive) I was in was about two months after it all happened. I felt like I had nothing to lose and went out and did a few things that I'd always wanted to, stopped worrying about what everyone thought and trying to please people all the time. Unfortunately, it was short-lived. Similar to you, I've withdrawn from just about everyone with the exception of family and a couple of close friends - all of whom are about 20 hours away so I've created a life for myself where I live in a city alone and I don't socialize with anyone anymore. I feel angry and bitter often (though I recognize that I have mood swings to some degree), am easily frustrated, and I have a lot of difficulty focusing at work; at times, I actually feel stupid because of it. Focusing at home is also a problem and I often don't have the energy to tackle some of the things that need to be done there (e.g. renovations). I also have no trouble cutting people out of my life, although at times I feel bad due to my lack of friends; other times, I couldn't care less. I used to donate to several health causes, stopped doing that; used to donate blood on a regular basis, stopped doing that. I just can't seem to find much to care about in terms of people, sadly. I remember the kind of person I used to be but can't quite get back there, I no longer know how. Not to hijack your thread, just wanted to say that I can relate. I don't know how long it's been for you, but I'd hate to see you in the same state 3 years out.... Take care.
Author cdt76 Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 I definitely do NOT want to be in this shape for much longer. I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life nor do I want to be in this psychological hell. The things you mentioned hit home. Like you I no longer know how to get back to my old self. This sucks.
Thunderbolt Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 cdt76, I definitely know how you feel. For me, we broke up for 3 months, got back together for one, and now it's been 5 weeks. I know it's over for good this time. Like you, I no longer cry myself to sleep, drink excessively, or starve myself. I can function at work and with friends, but there's always this sort of gray cloud over my head, no matter what I'm doing. There's always this dull pain in the center of my heart. I've also tried to date several times and I just can't let anyone in. I'm definitely better, but I also feel like I'll never be the person I was when I met him, we were together for almost 3 years. Someone once made an analogy that kind of stuck with me. Being in this state of mind is similar to a shark taking a bite out of you, but nobody can see the blood. I've gotten quite good at hiding my pain when in the presence of others. This is the first time someone has really broken my heart (I'm 31). I want this fog to go away. It gets tiring. Hang in there cdt76, you're not alone.
sugarmomma Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 OP I went back and read the post you started about your breakup. You were betrayed by a lover and a friend and I can imagine how traumatizing that has been for you. You seemed to blame yourself and question what you had done if anything to cause her to betray you with a close friend. I also suffered trauma and the only answer for me has been reaching the forgiveness stage. Forgiveness happens in your heart and I am not sure if you are a spiritual person, I had no willingness to forgive. I wanted to hold onto the the rage and anger because those emotions were easier to feel than sadness and grief. I prayed for the willingness to even want to forgive them all. It doesn't happen at once but you will know because your heart just feels lighter. You have to allow all the feelings to come and just pass through you. I was bitter for many years and I was never able to be healthy enough for a healthy r even if one came along. I didn't care about people whether they came or went. Now I try to nurture the friendships that I have by being present and just nice to people. In r I just go in being the best person I can and know what my boundaries are and if they cross them, I address it, and if they cross them again it shows they have no right to be in my life. I realized I needed to forgive others and myself, for me and not them. Trusting other people has come from learning to trust myself. What I mean by that is that I go into new r trusting people until they give me a reason not to. However, I have to trust myself enough to know when to end relationships with people once they show me their true colors/character. That seems to be the most difficult part. I no longer go into relationships being paranoid from the gate which is very unhealthy. “The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.”
ihateusernames Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 (edited) cdt and others This post rings true, too damn true. Maybe its a guy thing? I do not know. But I know that much of what you say reflects my experience. I was alienated, betrayed and lied to over several years, never clearly saw it (though maybe inside I did???), and for the last year or so just generally feel like a truck has run over me. All the feelings of anger, hurt, mistrust, etc, etc, etc keep going through me. Thankfully I kept my two kids, and the house. But I have to really work at just making life happen. My kids need normality, ... and sometimes that just feels like a helluva thing to try and provide. Some things that partially help for me (even the wanky sounding stuff): - simply trying to be a decent single father - simply trying to get back up to a reasonable productivity at work - just accepting that when everyone in the world looks like an arsewipe, that they all have their own issues as well - just being nice to complete strangers with a smile or hello - trying to just be a nice guy seems to make a difference - keep taking my anti-depressant medication (thank god someone invented these) - just trying to keep maximum distance from the ex - remembering that my kids see all my moods, and I really need to keep as positive an example for them as i can - reminding myself that when the divorce is processed (in about 6 mths) then hopefully I can remove this person from my life a bit further - remembering that even though for now I say nothing about child support for now to keep the peace, when we are finally divorced I will screw this bitch on child support () - taking notice of what I do have (e.g., my kids), rather than what I do not have (e.g., the marriage that I was 100% committed to). Oh, and dating - i sincerely doubt I will ever have the nerve to ask anyone out again. Hang in their cdt. You will figure this out! p.s. I took up guitar again after an absence of over 30 years - very helpful, almost meditative, and just nice to do Edited June 5, 2010 by ihateusernames
Recommended Posts