elizabeth26 Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 (edited) I have been dating my boyfriend for 7 years, we have been relatively happy. I just thought that if he loved me as much as he says he does he might have done something about it. He knows how I feel, I told him that it's killing me that he can't even talk about it. I don't know what his deal is he doesn't ever want to approach the subject, other than a really dismissive (to me) "someday". I have had harder times with this in the past but I really thought we were good together, we live together and have for awhile, now I feel like an idiot. Today he told me that his brother is getting married, I said I was excited for them, he seemed like he was expecting me to be pissed off that his brother, who recently broke up with his girlfriend of 6 years, is marrying a girl he's been dating for 6 months. I'm not though, he is like a brother to me and I want him to be happy. I do realize that I feel differently about my boyfriend though, I do feel like I can't be in a relationship with him much longer. Not without becoming more bitter. I don't feel like sticking around for him anymore just to fill his time. I'm sure that he loves me, but I don't know on what level. I recently went on an internship for 6 months. I had to move to be closer to work even though it was only 2 hours away, I work 12 hour days. I felt very alone out there by myself, but what was worse was that he didn't call me very often, and worse he never once came to visit me. I think the loneliness made me afraid to be on my own again. I think about it now though and realize he was just fine without me, he has friends he visited (a lot more often) and he found other things to do to fill his time. I am pretty embarrassed and sad about the whole thing. I have options; I could go live with my sister in santa barbara to get away for awhile, I could try and move out on my own, or just accept the situation and hope for the best. This was my last post and I was verrry angry when I wrote it. I had just found out about his brother getting engaged to his new girlfriend and Jon was making fun of her ring, like he was trying to lighten the seriousness of the commitment they had chosen to take because he thought the ring was ugly... We had a heart to heart after he came home that day. He said he wanted to marry me when we were BOTH ready. Then, he said he would marry me that week if it would make me happy. We could go pick out a ring. I told him that I felt like he had offered that because he knew I didn't want it to be that way, I had hoped he would propose. I chose to be glad that he was thinking about it, but I wish I had left that instant... It's now been a month since he broke up with me, insisting that it was for god, never ever coming back. He dumped me out of the blue, Said he didn't remember what it felt like to be in love. Said he still loved me and always would. He wanted to know if I could still be his friend after all that had happened. My family and friends were as shocked as I was, we've been together for 7 years and he had asked me to marry him. He broke up with me on a tuesday and went to a friend of ours on a saturday, (a slutty little sister of his best friend and I adore his best friend.) My father and his own father tried to talk to him about what he was doing. Of course I was the last to find out. He came over when I was moving out of our house, he gave me this weird hug, hugged me with my back to him and said it took everything he had not to comfort me and return. He wanted to talk. I was an emotional wreck, but I spoke to him, trying to maintain calm. He said he hadn't loved me for a long time and he thought it was mutual. He said he thought that he was just very selfish. I asked him to stay with me one more time. He sat next to me and said there's another girl. I felt sick and froze. He took my hand and took me into our room. He slept with me then he said he wished he hadn't. He said he thought of me as a sister. He started crying saying, "you're going to be so mad at me!" then he made me "guess" I got it right on the third try. I Burned inside, I knew she was a filthy little slut, but I trusted him. I wanted so badly to be friends. Or so I felt at the time, that I helped him get ready, but he wouldn't even shave for her, he "didn't want to change for anyone, they should take me as I am." I made him brush his teeth made him wear his good shirt and let him go, he petted the top of my head and kissed the top of my head before he left... I started hyperventilating and screaming when I came out of shock, I had so many emotions switching so fast. He had a gun lying on our bed, I wondered if he left it there on purpose? I was so shaken up and scared I was going to hurt myself I called the first person I thought of, Jon's best friend Joe. I had stopped crying at that point but my mind was racing, I still felt like protecting him, but I was so hurt, Joe had been calling me since monday, I asked him "Joe did you know?" He calmly said he had suspected something. He said he was going to go over and drag his sister out of bed to have a talk, he went on to say that he had a temper. I told him that talking wasn't a bad idea but he had a newborn baby at home to consider, and his sister was not a reflection of him. It has been downhill ever since. I had just started a job, which has been a godsend. It gave me something to wake up and do, and a purpose to push on. I feel stronger. I feel sad and angry at times. I feel so much stronger inside my heart. I know I love him for his personality and who I thought he was, and that I will never respect him again. I will never know what happened from the last post I submitted til now, but I think he cheated on me and I may never know any of the details. He has protected this girl throughout everything, saying that she is innocent and that he went to her for advice. NOT buying it, the slut flirted with him every time they were around each other but I ignored her because I trusted him and loved him. I've since gotten tested but thankfully no bad news in that department. he still calls me every now and then when he finds something of mine, acting normal, like nothing happened... I feel like he may try for a comeback as well, but I'll be goddamned if I allow it. I am thinking about starting to date again, but know it's best to just wait until all the anger subsides. There are always two sides to every story but I am having too much difficulty putting myself in his shoes, which is the only thing that could make sense to do if I were to ever be able to take him back, which means to me that it isn't forgivable. I manipulated him that night he "confessed" , but my state of mind was not good. I think he had alot of people fooled about who he was, and he has some major character flaws. Edited June 3, 2010 by elizabeth26
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