Newbie: Looking for Support

[MsV]

Hi all,

 

I found this site in search of support for a decision of I have been battling for some time now. I am unhappy with my spouse of almost 14 years (together a total of almost 20). We have three children together and this has been a very hard situation.

 

My husband is not an evil man. He has never hit me, or cheated on me (that I know of) or done anything that most people would consider very bad. However, he has been emotional and verbally abusive to me over the years. The worst of it is in the past 6 years when we moved into a new house he built. I was concerned the new house would be more pressure for him with bills, etc. and several times I told him that we 'don't have to strap ourselves like this." but appearances mean a lot to him and I know he had his heart set on doing it. That started the ball rolling to him being stressed out and essentially taking it out on me and our oldest child, a son.

 

About 3 years ago I suggested we see a counselor. I was unhappy because anything I did outside of the marriage (ie hobbies) were a threat to him and constantly caused arguments. I arranged the counseling, the babysitters, etc. and in his defense...he did come. It was always a 'hassle' for him, but he went. Eventually, he got too busy to go and I ended up going by myself a few times and wondered what I was doing...so I stopped. However, I took the advice and started dressing better, planning alone time with my husband by getting a sitter and going on dates. We did that for about a month and then I got pregnant (don't ask me how because I was on birth control) but it happened. In that time, my middle child, a son, was diagnosed with autism. I decided to focus my attention away from my marital problems and on my son and getting him services. I also focused on my coming baby, a daughter.

 

My husband works very hard and has always provided for the family. I worked full time until my middle child was born and then part time so I could be the primary caretaker of the kids. When my daughter was born, a few months after, she was diagnosed with a condition that required major head surgery. Between dealing with my son's autism and my daugther's surgery it was very hard. My husband was not able to help me much with it but I figured since he had the job of supporting the family, he had enough of on his plate.

 

During that time, I tried to let him focus on working. He however, continually badgered me. Picking on me for any outside activity I had (which was to help me cope with the issues I was dealing with and kept me sane). He wanted to control me in every way he could. From that point on, I was very unhappy but I had my children to focus on so I put my own needs aside. Last September though was the final draw. I finally confronted him about my feelings and he wanted me to give him 'one more chance'. I did but explained what I needed from him...support, space, friendship, etc. Instead he used every opportunity to spy on me, guilt me, cry on my shoulder. Any respect I had for him went right out the window.

 

I not only gave him once chance, I gave him 50. In that time, instead of winning me back he just made me lose my feelings more. He went to see a therapist after several months but I found out that he lied about how many times he was going. To be honest, it didn't matter at that point because my feelings were lost. I am 41 years old, I want to be happy. I don't have a lot of money because I put my career on hold to raise a family. I feel I did a damn good job at that. I tried my hardest to be a supportive, loving wife. By far, I am not perfect. He wished I entertained more or liked to plant flowers. In his defense that wasn't my thing. I think he'd be happier without me but he doesn't see it that way. Currently we are living under the same roof but trying to be separated. This is not easy and to be honest, I don't think he will ever accept things truly until we divorce.

 

I am scared of the money situation but I am not afraid to do what I can to make money. I'm already looking into ways to do so. I also want to be very fair with my husband and do not want him living in a hole. The one thing stopping me is fear. I know this is gonna happen but I am scared. Also, I feel guilty. I never thought I'd get divorced (I suppose most people don't) and my husband is the only man I have ever known. But I can't be like this anymore. If any of you have tips on how to deal with fear and guilt, I'd appreciate it. I'm not asking anyone to take sides, cause you are just hearing my story and not my husbands...I am just wondering how best to deal with fear and guilt mainly because of my 3 kids.

 

Thanks in advance and sorry so long...

[rebuildingmyself]

I'm facing the same fear. It is eating me up and I feel I can't even function. My situation is different but guilt and fear are powerful emotions. Sorry, I can't give any advice. Being the divorce initiator is hard. Good luck.

[witabix]

MsV that's quite a story.

 

Fear is often due to the unknown circumstances that face us. Are you afraid of the future? Your H's ability to cope with what is coming?

 

Guilt? From your post I cannot really see what it is you are feeling guilty about. You seemed to have tried your best in a set of very difficult circumstances to get through.

 

All I can offer is, do not be afraid of the unknown. Go into it in the knowledge that you have already dealt with a lot in your life and that you can deal with whatever comes your way.

 

The future is never certain, embrace the changes that are coming and make them into a new happier life.

[hopesndreams]

My husband is not an evil man. He has never hit me, or cheated on me (that I know of) or done anything that most people would consider very bad. However, he has been emotional and verbally abusive to me over the years.

 

In what ways has he been emotionally and verbally abusive? What outside activities were/are interested in? Can these activities include him?

 

I finally confronted him about my feelings and he wanted me to give him 'one more chance'. I did but explained what I needed from him...support, space, friendship, etc. Instead he used every opportunity to spy on me, guilt me, cry on my shoulder. Any respect I had for him went right out the window.

 

What did he need from you?

 

Also, I feel guilty.

 

Guilt? Why?

 

I am 41 years old, I want to be happy.

 

How do you expect to find this happiness? Through another person? It's unfair to your H for you to expect him to make you "happy". Happiness comes from within.

 

I think he'd be happier without me but he doesn't see it that way.

 

 

It's not on you to supply him with this "happiness". He seems to think being without you will not make him happy.

 

I am just wondering how best to deal with fear and guilt mainly because of my 3 kids.

 

Guilt from what exactly?

 

Yes, it has been a stressful life for the both of you. Granted. Makes you want to run eh? What makes you think leaving your H will bring you happiness?

 

Throwing away 20 years and for what? Who are you running to with your 3 kids and no job?

Edited June 3, 2010 by hopesndreams

[pedro1]

Well said Dreams, I wish someone would tell my STBX the samething!

[dgiirl]

What makes you think leaving your H will bring you happiness?

 

Perhaps the fact that the emotional and verbal abuse will stop? Perhaps because she will be able to enjoy outside activities without having a guilt trip every time she leaves the home? Perhaps because she wont have someone spying on her and manipulating her?

 

HND, I understand where you are coming from. I really don't like the Walkaway spouses who just one day walk out without ever communicating their unhappiness or giving the marriage a chance. But this story is different.

 

MsV's been working on her marriage for the last THREE years. She's been completely up front with her husband on what she needs, gone to counseling and it sounds like she has tried everything possible to make it work. I commend her for being honest with her husband and giving him the chance to change. He's just NOT changing. How long does she have to stay in an unhappy marriage? Under emotional and verbal abuse? To me, three years is quite a long time!

 

MsV, as for the fear, I've been there! When my exh walked out on me, I was absolutely terrified. I was completely dependent on my ex and had no clue how to pay bills, manage my finances, even how to cook. I never lived on my own before. I was really scared. But day by day, I slowly learned how to take care of myself. And every time I encountered a new problem, I was thrilled once I learned how to solve it. I constantly took on anything that would challenge my comfort zone, put me out there, let me experience LIFE. And it became exhilarating. I learned to cook. I learned how to handle my finances. I started some hobbies and joined a club. I kept meeting new and interesting people. People I never would have met before. I started to play again. I became a kid with brand new eyes and just enjoyed the happiness of life.

 

Don't ever let fear make you complacent in life! If the only thing that is stopping you from leaving your marriage is FEAR, then what kind of life are you living? You owe it to you, your husband and your kids to become happy and stop living in fear. Life is too short.

[hopesndreams]

dgiirl,

 

You can say unequivocally that there is not an interloper in this M?

 

OP, why does your H spy on you?

 

As for the fear? If your H truly was some horrible piece of work you wouldn't be able to leave fast enough once you came to the realization that he was someone you can no longer stomach. Such a long time to go back and forth, hemming and hawing, geeesh, he can't be that bad now can he?

 

Why is it your H has to do everything? Are you perfect?

[dgiirl]

As for the fear? If your H truly was some horrible piece of work you wouldn't be able to leave fast enough once you came to the realization that he was someone you can no longer stomach. Such a long time to go back and forth, hemming and hawing, geeesh, he can't be that bad now can he?

 

So now she's accused of staying TOO long in the marriage? If it was really horrible she should have just walked right away without giving the marriage or her husband a chance to change? So basically, there's no right thing for her.

 

I think you are projecting your own situation onto her and just bashing her for no justified reason. Each story is different. Not all advice applies to every single story. Not every WA is the devil.

[hopesndreams]

Just trying to get more information. Not bashing. Not projecting. We all see/read things differently. The thread started was a typical song and dance that I have read many times on these boards. Once delved into, there is 9/10 chance of someone crawling out of the woodwork.

 

How about some clearing up MsV? You there?

[Nutmeg617]

My guess is, she is here, but now she's too freaked out to continue her posts! The title of her thread is asking for support, not interrogation. Nobody wants to be judged for their decisions, especially when they themselves are not sure what the right decision is. I agree, everyone reads this differently and it's difficult to interpret tone in text. I feel, though, that some of your sentence structures are rather aggressive and accusatory, hopesndreams, whether you meant for them to be that way or not. Genuine desire to learn more about the situation would naturally come out in gentler words. Maybe stirring the pot, but giving OP the support she asked for.

[MsV]

"In what ways has he been emotionally and verbally abusive? What outside activities were/are interested in? Can these activities include him?"

 

He has criticized me endlessly. Tried to control me. Blamed me for all our issues. Insulted my family who has been extremely supportive of us (and his own family never has been) and yes, I have tried to include him on all my activities but he never wanted to be involved.

 

"What did he need from you?"

 

Funny you asked that. I tried to be everything he wanted me to be but he never seemed to be happy or satisfied. I guess, he just wanted to control me.

 

Guilt? Why?

 

Because of my three children.

 

"How do you expect to find this happiness? Through another person? It's unfair to your H for you to expect him to make you "happy". Happiness comes from within."

 

You don't have to tell me that. I'm not some young, stupid person who doesn't know about happiness coming from one's self. I never expected him to 'make' me happy. I only expected respect. Same thing I gave him.

 

"Guilt from what exactly?"

 

I suppose you've never left a marriage before...

 

"Throwing away 20 years and for what? Who are you running to with your 3 kids and no job?"

 

Who said I am jobless? I have worked all my life, even now still. I just don't make enough to support 3 children. And I am not running to anyone. It is also unfair of you to say I am throwing 20 years away for 'what'. Does he not have any responsibility in making a marriage work?

[MsV]

To all of you who were supportive and not quick to judge, thanks. I appreciate all the advice which I will take to heart. Perhaps my story is the same old 'song and dance' as hopesanddreams put it. To be honest, I have heard similar stories myself. So I won't argue there. And yes, it is just my side of the story. But as I have found, the ones who feel guilty at all about ending their marriage are usually those who tried hard to make it work. The ones who just leave, for some false ideal, don't usually feel guilty one bit. Just my experience. That said, I know deep down I am doing the right thing. My guilt is just due to the ways of society and culture that make women feel guilty for not 'putting up' with things. Granted, marriage is about compromising, no doubt, but not at the expense of being treated disrespectfully. After all, we all just want to be happy.

[Gunny376]

Get out! Men's and women's brains are literally hard wired diffently? He's not going to change, you need to take care of yourself and your children.

[MsV]

dgiirl,

 

You can say unequivocally that there is not an interloper in this M?

 

OP, why does your H spy on you?

 

As for the fear? If your H truly was some horrible piece of work you wouldn't be able to leave fast enough once you came to the realization that he was someone you can no longer stomach. Such a long time to go back and forth, hemming and hawing, geeesh, he can't be that bad now can he?

 

Why is it your H has to do everything? Are you perfect?

 

Hopes N Dreams, am I guessing here that you have been the person that was 'left behind' in a relationship? I sense bitterness, but perhaps I am wrong. Just to clear things up though, I will answer.

 

My husband was always jealous of me, unknowingly why, because I never ONCE cheated or betrayed him. I didn't realize how jealous he was until I found out later he always had people looking closely at whatever I did. Once I told him I was unhappy, I suppose he suspected another person was involved.

 

Was/is my husband THAT bad? No, as I clearly stated in my first post. He never hit me, cheated on me (to my knowledge) gambled our money away or became an alcoholic. So if you consider only those things worthy of a person being left for, than you are correct.

 

As for expecting my husband to do everything. Is not constantly criticizing your wife, not trying to control her, guilt-trip her, or being disrespectful to her expecting him to do EVERYTHING? LOL Your statements are so out of place, it's actually silly.

 

Nowadays, a wife is expected to work, take care of the kids, the house, the laundry AND look good so her husband can find her attractive yet all the husband needs to do is just bring home the bacon? Uh, not fair. And if that was listed anywhere in my marriage vows...I don't remember. Marriage takes work on both people's parts. My feelings are just for the children at this point, because when that negativity starts to turn toward them, which it has been...then it's time to get out. So you're right...why should I feel guilty?

[You Go Girl]

To all of you who were supportive and not quick to judge, thanks. I appreciate all the advice which I will take to heart. Perhaps my story is the same old 'song and dance' as hopesanddreams put it. To be honest, I have heard similar stories myself. So I won't argue there. And yes, it is just my side of the story. But as I have found, the ones who feel guilty at all about ending their marriage are usually those who tried hard to make it work. The ones who just leave, for some false ideal, don't usually feel guilty one bit. Just my experience. That said, I know deep down I am doing the right thing. My guilt is just due to the ways of society and culture that make women feel guilty for not 'putting up' with things. Granted, marriage is about compromising, no doubt, but not at the expense of being treated disrespectfully. After all, we all just want to be happy.

 

MsV, I have read some of your other posts which has led me to find your situation. Your posts have been non-judgmental and helpful, and some people do not understand that judgment has no place on this forum (even myself at times when a poster seems arrogant, entitled, and extremely selfish). But I see none of those traits in you.

I too have suffered 5 years in a marriage where I tried to get across to my H the issues that have driven me to finally let him know that I can't go on and do this any longer. They are different issues from yours, but that isn't what matters.

I too fear leaving, although I am in the process as I type. We have agreed to a tentative settlement. He is very angry at this point and may renege on the entire thing, as he has threatened to try to make my life hell because his ego is hurt. I am married to a 'tough guy'.

There is huge guilt to be worked through, and it's natural, and a process. You are absolutely right in your belief that people who do feel guilt over the failure of their marriages are not simply selfish clowns seeking some instant gratification. People who feel guilt over leaving are thinking, being sensitive to everyone affected, and taking the needs of others into consideration. It is very difficult to be the one who ends things, even when the other person sabotages the marriage.

I believe your H has sabotaged your marriage just as mine has, each in their own way.

I told my H that I didn't believe I was doing him any good. This is true at this point in our relationship. I then braved up enough to say after a significant pause, that I didn't believe he was doing me any good either. The first was easy to say, since it was judgment on myself. The second was more difficult, because it could possibly wound his pride--not my intention. My intention was to make it clear that I wasn't getting what I needed from a marriage. I had been clear as to what I needed starting 5 years ago. My method of communicating those needs I admit were poor. But the message was clear, and he chose to ignore it.

[MsV]

Dear YouGoGirl,

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. Boy, you and I are in similar situations albeit the specifics being different. My husband is a 'tough guy' too. In fact, this has prohibited his changing at all because to him, it signifies him as 'weak'. Yet, he is unhappy with my choice and has done whatever he can to hang on to me EXCEPT change his controlling, verbally/emotionally abusing ways. I've even had some recent 'discoveries' of just how controlling he can be which has surprised but I've now realized that he can say one thing to me and completely be doing something different behind the scenes.

 

My H is angry too. I'll give him that. We have been living separately under the same roof (for the kids) but it isn't going great. Mainly because he doesn't know how to not give me space. Then again, he never did. I have over the years communicated with him very clearly the issues we've had. We have seen counselors, I have gone to personal therapy, taken medication, dressed better, hired sitters so we could have alone time...catered to his every need to be the wife that would make him happy. It didn't stop the controlling. It didn't stop him from finding every other woman to compare me to. It didn't stop him from finding faults in much of what I did, right down to cleaning the house.

 

I'm leaving for him because I can't do it anymore. It isn't even an option of wanting to...I just can't. A line has been drawn and I'm past it now. It one way, it's a relief to know how I feel but in another it's a scary truth. You seem like you have already gotten things in motion, I am ready to start myself. How is that going for you? Perhaps we can communicate on the side, if that's easier...up to you. Wasn't sure how to send you a private message. Still new at this :-)

[You Go Girl]

There are a lot of people on this particular forum in LS that have been hurt without even being told why, and with zero warning, left.

I empathize with them. But they do project onto all women who leave husbands on this forum. It isn't fair. Some of us have really suffered trying to find a way to live with a person who is difficult, get the message across that it is not ok, and find a way to change things for the better.

My H is controlling too. And I've let him, for the most part. I've never been with someone like him before. I have my own strong personality, so his domineering style clashes with my sense of self.

I sense some of this with you and your H.

Getting to the point of talking and signing settlement agreements with a tough guy personality is very stressful. Their ego and pride really get in the way big time. Sometimes I think his ego takes up the entire room, and there's no place for me to sit or stand. So I run and hide in some corner on a computer, waiting for that enormous ego to temporarily subside.

How's it going for me...he drew up an agreement of which I would receive a few thousand dollars so that I could eat for the next few months. I accepted this, because even though he makes a 6 figure income, the house is far beneath water, and he would be responsible for that loss. Now he has temporarily reneged. He likes to throw curve balls as part of his maniuplation and to show me just who's boss.

He has threatened to make me "completely miserable" then apologized for that later. The pride and ego of a tough guy are not to be disregarded for one minute when trying to separate amicably. How to tip-toe around his pride and yet not cower as if I'm his slave is a careful high-beam balancing act.

I will send you a private message. Look at the top of your screen on the right when you are logged in, you should see "Private Messages" up there to click on. You do have to have a certain number of posts to qualify, and I don't know what that number is. If you don't have enough posts, let me know.

[You Go Girl]

Ok, I can't send you a private message, you don't have enough posts I guess.

I'm leery at this point of putting my email addy down on this for all to see. If you want to talk, we could make up new email addys just for that purpose and post them on this thread. Just let me know when something is too private for all to read.

[MsV]

YoGoGirl,

 

Yeah, I haven't posted all that much yet so probably am not allowed private messages at the moment. I agree about the email addys, no worries. I can only imagine what you are going through right now. You know, there is an awesome book I am reading called: Cutting Loose by Ashton Applewhite you may want to read. It's a good read, even if some of it you already know. Settling must be hard because nobody really wants to rake anyone through the coals financially yet at the same time, you can't be naive. Especially when there are children involved. All I can say is, be strong. Stick to your guns, but do what's best for you so that you can 'get out' with some sanity still in tact. Egos really need to keep their place out of things but unfortunately, they do get in the way. If an soon to be ex wants to make things hard, they certainly can. I'm really hoping my H and I can work amicably through this mainly because of our children. I want to be fair although with men it is difficult because often, because woman tend to put their careers on hold to raise a family, they are the bread winners and feel that they have contributed more to the marriage. It is unfortunate that woman don't get more value on what they contribute although you see how fast they are knocked and told they are 'breaking up a family' when they decide to leave. It's a twisted society...

[You Go Girl]

I don't know if your H is narcisstic--but this is an excellent website--http://www.ultimate-self.com/

You might want to read there for awhile. It fits my H to a degree.

 

However, analyzing him takes the focus off improving your own life to some degree. It all depends on whether you are going to really go through this, backpeddle a few times, or try to work it through with him.

You can insist on MC. That could be your only hope. It is also the only way to say 100% I tried everything I could.

My H said yes, let's go, then changed his mind.

Now I remember that you went before, and he left after a few sessions. You could insist again. That could be the assertive move you make--either he goes or you will call it quits.

Your fear will make you not follow through. Your fear puts self-doubt in your head, and then you are unable to decide one way or the other.

Forcing MC may alleviate that.

[MsV]

Thanks for that site, I'll check it out. As for MC or any other way of trying to make the marriage work, I'm pretty much done. I've spent 3 years trying and if the final blow last year didn't make him wake up and see he needs to change I am not sure what could. People have to accept that they even have issues before they can make an attempt to fix them. That said, in all this process feelings have been lost and they're not coming back. To be honest, I believe he is unhappy to...unhappy for a while in fact, but I think he is more nervous about his financial (and family) situation after a divorce. Neither one I can blame him for but those aren't the only reasons to stay married either. If you can't have a supportive family life, it won't do the children any justice.

[MsV]

Well, I felt the need to update the latest status on my husband and I. We have since seen a divorce mediator twice in hopes to have an amicable divorce. So far, while there have been glitches and bumps, we have been trying to come to an agreement. We're not there yet, but we're getting closer. He's very worried about money and I have assured him I am looking to be as fair as possible.

 

That said, I now realize why he hadn't tried to change for me...why he stopped seeing a therapist, etc. I found out he has been seeing another woman. I am sure that this happened so he could move on from me and to be honest, I am happy for him. I found out because he was staying out all hours of the night and running out of the house on a moment's notice (booty call? lol). I decided to snoop, bad I know, and found several texts on his cell phone. He's snooped on me several times (found nothing) so I felt it was only fair. I confronted him and told him I wasn't mad but his 'charade' of 'woe is me' should come to a halt now that I was on to him. He told this other woman he loved her and wanted to 'wake up in her arms'. I assume they are lovers, although he claims they are just friends.

 

With that in mind, I admit I was hurt to a degree because he said things to her in those texts that he never said to me. However, I guess that confirms in my mind that we are no longer right for each other as perhaps she brings out emotions and feelings in him that I never could. To be honest, from her texts and what he's told me about her, she seems nice.

 

All this has been very overwhelming for me as though I am the one who initiated the divorce I have never cheated on my husband. Have tried hard to make the right choices and in the end, I can walk away knowing I kept to my morals. I'm looking forward to both of us moving on. It's going to be hard, but now that he has found someone, and he knows I know, I am hoping things will follow through from here. Here's to hoping anyway...

[You Go Girl]

Oh, wow MsV.

Let me first give you a hug because it's hurtful, even when you want out, to find out that you have been deceived.

 

Now that you know about this OW, you have more power in your corner. He has to back down, and stop the manipulation because he doesn't have that leverage anymore!

So that part is good for you.

And he is absolutely lying about them being friends. Wake up in a friend's arms? PUL-EEZE!

I'm not going to suggest you manipulate to any degree, but you use this new power you have to make sure that things go smoothly. He's lost the edge he had, it's gone, and it belongs to you now. I hope you are starting to feel relieved that this pressure should be off your shoulders to feel any guilt.

He didn't do any of the work needed to repair anything. He ran to another's arms instead. He's learned nothing, and that woman will suffer the consequences.

I know this time is difficult for you. Chin up!

[MsV]

Thanks YouGoGirl,

 

I totally think they are lovers regardless of what he says but I honestly didn't expect him to 'fess up to it. That's ok. It's none of my business anyway. He and I pretty much moved forward with the divorce so it was bound to happen. What surprised me is how quickly. And how he was still manipulating me while he was with her.

 

I should also mention that what I wanted him to change 'for me' was only to be more supportive and less critical. The emotional abuse was too much. I know I stopped being as affectionate toward him and he missed that, but it was very hard for me to be affectionate with someone who was just yelling at me (over something stupid mind you) ten minutes before. And this happened 9 times out of 10...it wasn't an occasional thing.

 

I guess he decided it was easier to re-invent himself with a new woman instead of trying to fix the issues with me. This is also why I believe he was unhappy with me too, but couldn't admit it. He was hurt because deep down, I don't think he felt he needed to change. In his mind, to give in to my needs was to be weak and he couldn't have that. I hope this new woman doesn't take his crap and they can be happy together.

[hopesndreams]

My husband is not an evil man. He has never hit me, or cheated on me (that I know of) or done anything that most people would consider very bad. However, he has been emotional and verbally abusive to me over the years. The worst of it is in the past 6 years when we moved into a new house he built. I was concerned the new house would be more pressure for him with bills, etc. and several times I told him that we 'don't have to strap ourselves like this." but appearances mean a lot to him and I know he had his heart set on doing it. That started the ball rolling to him being stressed out and essentially taking it out on me and our oldest child, a son.

 

How long was your H in the affair?

 

The emotional abuse was too much. I know I stopped being as affectionate toward him and he missed that, but it was very hard for me to be affectionate with someone who was just yelling at me (over something stupid mind you) ten minutes before. And this happened 9 times out of 10...it wasn't an occasional thing.

 

His bad treatment toward you could have been because he was in an affair. It was a way for him to have you force the issue of a divorce. Cheaters are cowards. It also would make you carry the load of the demise of your M while he doesn't have to take up much, if any, of the blame.

 

I guess he decided it was easier to re-invent himself with a new woman instead of trying to fix the issues with me.

 

Maybe the issues with you were because of the new woman. Maybe there were far less issues before he cheated. I guess all this is dependent on how long he was having an A under your nose.

 

Don't spend time and energy wishing happiness on these two. Their R is built on lies and deceit. It won't last. It's in the cards. Work toward indifference.

 

Protect yourself and the children. Get a great lawyer and get a D.