He forced me to end it, so why does he hate me?

[polka_dot_pixie]

Hello, I posted here about a week ago but now things have changed, and I'm badly needing some kind of advice as to what is going on in my ex's head. I'll try and keep the history short.

 

We met 3 years ago and became best friends, he liked me from meeting me but i was already in a relationship, 2 years later I realised I had massive feelings for him; if not already falling in love. I broke up with my bf and got with my friend.

 

We had 3 months of intensity, we were so into each other and it was obvious, but he started to become colder, I told him I was falling in love with him and he ignored it, so I ended it. I instantly regretted it and tried to make up but he had none of it, finally after almost 2 weeks he apologised and said he wanted to talk. We got back together then 4 days later he ended it with me, saying he needed to be single and clear his head.

 

I was crushed and started NC but he wouldn't give me any decent amount of time alone, he'd get angry at me for wanting space, claiming I'd already been over him before he ended it, or he'd get drunk and tell me his problems. Over the next 2 months he asked to meet up with me but things always got in the way, the big one being a rumour he heard that I was seeing his friend (I wasn't, but I'd run into him at my local pub.) After a few weeks-month of silence he contacted me again, wanting to meet up after we started uni when fresher's week was over. I agreed but he bottled out of it last minute and I got with somebody else.

 

2 months into my new relationship, my ex drunkenly got angry at me for 'shoving my happiness' into his face, a few days later he apologised saying he was still in love with me. Xmas came and we met up as we were back at home, just as friends, but we both knew the feelings between us were still there, and still stong. Back at uni, he came to visit me where we found ourselves again in a passionate embrace. It was obvious I still loved him. I ended the new relationship, and started slowly seeing my ex again. It was amazing, he was so open to me, he admitted his problems with alcohol dependency and how he was trying to fix it for me. He told me why he had run off before and how he'd regretted it from before it happened, and all those attempts at communication and meeting up were because he wanted to get back with me, but was scared of what i'd say or how i'd be with him.

 

5 months into our new relationship, and problems galore. My brother was found with brain tumours and needed surgery to find out what kind of cancer it was (my Dad died from lung cancer 7 years ago), I lost it and took it out on my ex, accusing him, starting arguments, I tried to explain it wasn't him and I was sorry, and he accepted it but started to change himself. He threw odd comments at me during arguments about the friend he thought I was seeing last year (something I assumed was resolved as he'd never brought it up since accusing me), I ignored his comments as I was so full of my own personal drama that it went right above my head.

 

Then we went back to uni, and he was so distant, he claimed he was just busy and me being how I was with everything was pushing him away, I apologised and tried to fix things, but I noticed he'd started drinking heavily again, despite having exams coming up, finally he lost it, he drunkenly said nasty things to me over the internet, things that at the time seemed purely said to hurt me. He didn't speak to me til 2 days later when I txted him to ask him what was going on, he denied saying the things and said for me to have this argument with myself.

 

I sent him a copy of the conversation but he didn't reply, for 2 weeks I gave him a mix of space (at most 5 days before i'd contact) and ringing/voicemails and other msgs. But nothing. Finally I was meant to be seeing him this weekend for his summer ball and asked if he still wanted me to go. He simply txted me saying it was irrelevant if he wanted me to go because guests were no longer allowed. I could tell this was a lie and asked if he wanted me to come anyways...just to talk/hangout/etc. He simply replied 'get your refund' (for the train tickets.)

 

So I took the hint, as he wouldn't speak to me on the phone, or see me, I broke up with him the only way I could; via a message on facebook. I felt awful to do it that way but then again last year he broke up with me via a txt msg. He didn't change his relationship status even though I knew he was sat on facebook all night...the next night he deleted me, and all of my friends he had added, which I thought a bit much but fair enough.

 

Then the night before last he was drunk at 4am and txted me 'f*ck you'..followed by another txt with lyrics from one of our fave bands, then another lyric altered to 'without you i'm everything' (which should be nothing), then 'remember me?' He also called me 7 times, the times I answered he was just playing and singing this favourite band of ours down the phone. All this was in the space of 30 minutes. Then last night I had another at 4am saying "you're a d*ck."

 

I really really don't understand, I know I'm better off without him, I'm not looking for ways to make him come around, I just need some clarity, I loved him more than anyone, and the feeling was mutual. But all this new hatred he has for me has to have come from somewhere, but I honesty haven't done a single thing wrong, I loved him, I cared for him, he was the only person I ever saw as a 'soul mate' and I know for a fact he felt same about that too. Just this is baffling me. Any advice at all would be appreciated more than you know!

 

Thanks -sorry for the length, did try to cut it down to the basics.

Edited June 3, 2010 by polka_dot_pixie

[Citizen Erased]

He has alcohol problems and he gets mean when he drinks. Next.

[polka_dot_pixie]

He does have alcohol problems, but this is the first time in 3 years he's ever been nasty to me like this. Usually he gets upset when he drinks, and if he does get angry, has never taken it out on me before, that's my query. This is uncharacteristic for him, even for his drunken self, usually something provokes it...

[GrayClouds]

First his issues. He only enjoys the chase, he long for you when your not there, thrilled when he wins you over, bored once he has you. Sorry he really not into you he is just into the game.

 

Now your issues. Your bounce in and out of relationships like someone doing the hokie-pokie. And sorry to say it, but you do not do relationships very well. You get involved with people that your obviously not that interested in (otherwise it would not be so easy to move on) and the one you are interested in is not based intimate love but emotional intensity.

 

This is not healthy. Instead of wasting your time trying to understand this guy and this relationship, it is time for you take a break for it all. It time to focus on yourself, understanding how you developed this unhealthy understanding of what love is, and learning new patterns so you can get the quality relationship you deserve.