Email to "mother-in-law"

[jen_r]

My bf and I, who had broken up a few months ago, have decided to give our relationship another try. Problem is, his family and I do not get along. I've burned bridges with them in the past simply because his mother is too difficult and I soon started to not care whether or not I upset her.

 

He just told his parents this past weekend the news that we are back together. Needless to say his mother basically lost it. His mother called him yesterday and asked him to come to dinner to talk about me. He went, things did not go well. She said there is no chance of her ever accepting me.

 

Sooo, my bf wants me to write an Email to her. Saying WHAT I'm not sure! But, should I bring up all my issues with her?? The fact that I feel she is overbearing and too controlling? Or should I just apologize for my actions? I mean, this is a time to start new I guess...so I'm wondering if I should lay all my cards on the table.

 

 

Any MIL horror stories would be appreciated! lol

Advice would be more helpful.

[tigressA]

Don't write her an email. Don't do anything out of the ordinary, period--just be polite and treat her with respect whenever you must be around each other. Your past actions are just that--in the past. There's no point bringing them up again, even to apologize. Show that you're above her behavior and what she thinks about you. She may not ever come around, but at the very least you'll feel good knowing that you've never stooped to her level or made yourself vulnerable to her.

[jen_r]

Don't write her an email. Don't do anything out of the ordinary, period--just be polite and treat her with respect whenever you must be around each other. Your past actions are just that--in the past. There's no point bringing them up again, even to apologize. Show that you're above her behavior and what she thinks about you. She may not ever come around, but at the very least you'll feel good knowing that you've never stooped to her level or made yourself vulnerable to her.

 

 

My bf is insisting on me writing this email. She needs to have her a$$ kissed in order for things to ever be okay again. I personally do not want to write to her. But i'm not even allowed at their house, soo there are no chances of me ever seeing her to show that I've changed.

[brainygirl]

Wow.

 

My question is this: Right now you are dating him and he's got you and himself bending over backwards to make her happy, do you see that changing if this relationship gets serious? Do you want that dynamic the rest of your life?

 

Second, if you misbehaved and did or said something that was wrong, apologize for it. That's just courtesy. But I don't think you should be willing to let this woman run your life.

 

Third, as a general rule, I won't date a person who's parents are still running his life. The boyfriend needs to cut the umbilical cord and be a freaking grown up.

[jen_r]

Wow.

 

My question is this: Right now you are dating him and he's got you and himself bending over backwards to make her happy, do you see that changing if this relationship gets serious? Do you want that dynamic the rest of your life?

 

Second, if you misbehaved and did or said something that was wrong, apologize for it. That's just courtesy. But I don't think you should be willing to let this woman run your life.

 

Third, as a general rule, I won't date a person who's parents are still running his life. The boyfriend needs to cut the umbilical cord and be a freaking grown up.

 

The relationship was pretty serious. We were living together, but that ultimately ended because of his family.

 

I do NOT want this type of life, where we have to tip toe around momma bear so she doesn't kill us. But I love him, so it's realllly hard.

 

I've talked to him about his fam, it's not just his parents who control him - it's his sister too! Which I find extremely odd. His reasoning is: Thats they his family has always been, they will never change. I just wish HE would change....

 

 

Do you think I should write the email? I know for a fact she won't respond to me.

[brainygirl]

The relationship was pretty serious. We were living together, but that ultimately ended because of his family.

 

I do NOT want this type of life, where we have to tip toe around momma bear so she doesn't kill us. But I love him, so it's realllly hard.

 

I've talked to him about his fam, it's not just his parents who control him - it's his sister too! Which I find extremely odd. His reasoning is: Thats they his family has always been, they will never change. I just wish HE would change....

 

 

Do you think I should write the email? I know for a fact she won't respond to me.

 

I think if you actually did something to apoligize for then write an email or get her a card and write an honest apology in it.

 

I am told by people who know me that I am the most stubborn person on the planet and can't ever admit when I am wrong. This situation would have me gone gone gone.

 

He's already chosen his family over you. He won't make you a priority in his life. I don't think that's healthy in a serious relationship, and I don't know how old you and he are, but adults do not have to ask their parents for permission to date.

 

I'd be gone. I'd end it. I'd move out or get a female roommate and mourn the loss of something you thought was really special, but this situation isn't going to get better.

[stace79]

I have some questions I need answered before I'd feel I could give sound advice.

 

1. How old are you both?

2. How long was your relationship previously?

3. Do you intend to marry this man some day?

 

Without that info, here's what I'll say: I don't think repairing that relationship is about you writing an e-mail. I think you both -- you and your bf -- need to have dinner with your potential MIL. You need to discuss what your plan is prior to going.

 

You should be prepared to address the issues of your previous relationship and why you broke up. You should be prepared to tell her you're sorry if you treated her rudely or with disrespect.

 

Your bf should be ready to tell his mother why he's reconciled with you and that he loves you dearly and wants a life with you. As such, HE needs to politely tell his mother that if she respects and loves him, she will also accept you, because he loves you.

 

It sounds to me like he's being a coward by asking you to write a kiss-ass e-mail, without HIM doing any of the work.

 

My situation is similar -- I'm working things out with my ex-fiance, and because of how things ended last year, his parents aren't thrilled about it. So we aren't telling them flat out we're back together. We're telling them little by little -- first we're just talking more, then we'll see each other, then we decided to seek some relationship counseling, then maybe this fall we'll tell them that we're actually together as a couple. (All this time, we're committed exclusively to each other and to working out our problems.)

 

That way, when we tell his parents and my family/friends, we can show them evidence to how we've worked on our issues and we're in a much healthier situation now than before. They won't be able to argue that we've made a "bad decision" because we already have documented evidence of what we're doing differently to make it work.

[jamal]

This is a big NO. Do not email this MIL. Your man is the one who should be trying to convince his mother that you are a nice girl. The best you can do is perhaps send her a card apologizing for any friction you might have had. Keep this brief and do not reference any particular incident. e.g. you can write:

 

"I would like to apologize for any misunderstanding between the two of us. You and I both care for the same man and for his sake I am willing to forget the past and move forward"

 

This way you have not accepted any blame but attributed the situation to circumstances and personality clashes.

 

Going into details will only bring back hurtfull memories and blame assignment. You will end up in a worse situation than you started with. This is further compounded by the fact that a lot of inlaw issues revolve around assumptions. She assumes things about you which might be completely wrong and you might also have done the same. Going into details will only bring out your/her assumptions into the open and you/her might end up so embarrased for making such assumptions e.g. a MIL assumes you married her son for his money yet she has never looked at your payslip or bank balance.

 

Your guy has to be man enough to handle this situation without involving you, save for a reconciliation dinner (where no one discusses the past). It appears he comes from a matriachical family where the mom rules the roost. Probably his dad has always been bossed around by the mom. This is an unhealthy scenario which leads to emasculation of sons since they do not have an alpha male role model. Thats why the only time I ever raised my voice to my wife was when she disrespected me in front of my son. Feminist BS aside, a woman should give her man his appropriate position (at least in front of the kids and society) otherwise she risks raisng spineless sons.

 

Your man is already mommy's boy and getting him to stand up to his mom might now be impossible at his age. If he can drop that email request and knock some sense into his mom, then I stand corrected. It is up to you if you wanna be in a relationship with a spineless beta male who will always be bossed by his mom. This will only get worse with time - she will wanna dictate how you rasie your kids, how you budget your finances e.t.c

[crimsonmike]

My bf is insisting on me writing this email. She needs to have her a$$ kissed in order for things to ever be okay again. I personally do not want to write to her. But i'm not even allowed at their house, soo there are no chances of me ever seeing her to show that I've changed.

 

God that post just made me throw up a little in my mouth. If he is that big a pssy and must be controlled by somebody, it might as well be you. Next time he tells you to email her, tell him to go f himself.

 

I can only imagine my mother telling me something like that. She wouldn't do it again. Course, she wouldn't do it to start with.

[jen_r]

I have some questions I need answered before I'd feel I could give sound advice.

 

1. How old are you both?

2. How long was your relationship previously?

3. Do you intend to marry this man some day?

 

Without that info, here's what I'll say: I don't think repairing that relationship is about you writing an e-mail. I think you both -- you and your bf -- need to have dinner with your potential MIL. You need to discuss what your plan is prior to going.

 

You should be prepared to address the issues of your previous relationship and why you broke up. You should be prepared to tell her you're sorry if you treated her rudely or with disrespect.

 

Your bf should be ready to tell his mother why he's reconciled with you and that he loves you dearly and wants a life with you. As such, HE needs to politely tell his mother that if she respects and loves him, she will also accept you, because he loves you.

 

It sounds to me like he's being a coward by asking you to write a kiss-ass e-mail, without HIM doing any of the work.

 

My situation is similar -- I'm working things out with my ex-fiance, and because of how things ended last year, his parents aren't thrilled about it. So we aren't telling them flat out we're back together. We're telling them little by little -- first we're just talking more, then we'll see each other, then we decided to seek some relationship counseling, then maybe this fall we'll tell them that we're actually together as a couple. (All this time, we're committed exclusively to each other and to working out our problems.)

 

That way, when we tell his parents and my family/friends, we can show them evidence to how we've worked on our issues and we're in a much healthier situation now than before. They won't be able to argue that we've made a "bad decision" because we already have documented evidence of what we're doing differently to make it work.

 

 

We are both 25. As of last Sunday we have been together for 2 years. We lived together up until February. I DID plan to marry him, but after this BS...I'm afraid to be involved with this family.

 

He has told them we're back together and has supposedly defended me up and down. But they are not willing to even be civil towards me. I had suggested doing the "dinner" to talk over things, but she ultimately refused. And I would have been a nervous wreck anyways.

 

We tried doing things the way you did them. We've been seeing each other for 2 months without his family knowing. He told them this weekend that we were officially back together (they said they already knew via stalking his facebook). Apparantly the nail in the coffin was her saying "hello" to me over the weekend and me not replying. In all seriousness, I did NOT hear her nor did I expect her to even acknowledge me.

[jen_r]

This is a big NO. Do not email this MIL. Your man is the one who should be trying to convince his mother that you are a nice girl. The best you can do is perhaps send her a card apologizing for any friction you might have had. Keep this brief and do not reference any particular incident. e.g. you can write:

 

"I would like to apologize for any misunderstanding between the two of us. You and I both care for the same man and for his sake I am willing to forget the past and move forward"

 

This way you have not accepted any blame but attributed the situation to circumstances and personality clashes.

 

Going into details will only bring back hurtfull memories and blame assignment. You will end up in a worse situation than you started with. This is further compounded by the fact that a lot of inlaw issues revolve around assumptions. She assumes things about you which might be completely wrong and you might also have done the same. Going into details will only bring out your/her assumptions into the open and you/her might end up so embarrased for making such assumptions e.g. a MIL assumes you married her son for his money yet she has never looked at your payslip or bank balance.

 

Your guy has to be man enough to handle this situation without involving you, save for a reconciliation dinner (where no one discusses the past). It appears he comes from a matriachical family where the mom rules the roost. Probably his dad has always been bossed around by the mom. This is an unhealthy scenario which leads to emasculation of sons since they do not have an alpha male role model. Thats why the only time I ever raised my voice to my wife was when she disrespected me in front of my son. Feminist BS aside, a woman should give her man his appropriate position (at least in front of the kids and society) otherwise she risks raisng spineless sons.

 

Your man is already mommy's boy and getting him to stand up to his mom might now be impossible at his age. If he can drop that email request and knock some sense into his mom, then I stand corrected. It is up to you if you wanna be in a relationship with a spineless beta male who will always be bossed by his mom. This will only get worse with time - she will wanna dictate how you rasie your kids, how you budget your finances e.t.c

 

Everything you just said is true. Including thinking I'm with him for his money!! 5 months into our relationship she asked him how much money I had in the bank and if I payed my own bills... He said it was none of her business and she started a fight with him over it.

 

Basically, I realize I'm screwed in this relationship. Love him, hate his fam. What an awful situation.

 

I'm going to write the email, short and sweet like you said.

 

Here I go....walking into the lions den.

[jamal]

Everything you just said is true. Including thinking I'm with him for his money!! 5 months into our relationship she asked him how much money I had in the bank and if I payed my own bills... He said it was none of her business and she started a fight with him over it.

 

Basically, I realize I'm screwed in this relationship. Love him, hate his fam. What an awful situation.

 

I'm going to write the email, short and sweet like you said.

 

Here I go....walking into the lions den.

 

Geez. Sounds like deja vu for me. 8 years with a woman who could not stand up to her mother. Even her 40 year old brother could not stand up to the mom. At least I was raised as an alpha male and I had to put my foot down (ultimatums and all) but realized that a marriage is a contract between a man and his woman - no third parties there. Thats when I decided to let go.

 

You do not want a man who is not a man. There will come situations in your life where the man has to make decisive choices and be assertive. This spinelessness pervades every facet of his life from his career to disciplining your future offspring.

[whichwayisup]

It comes down to this. Do you really want to try to work things out with her and mean it? Are you willing to be the bigger person for a while, until his mom can see you in a better light? Are you ready to learn to let little things go and focus on the bigger picture?

 

An email is pointless, she won't read it. Forcing you to do this isn't the right way to go about it. Time is on your side..

 

Take things slow. Date him and just dont' go rushing back by moving in with him.

 

IF/When that time comes you do talk to her, and I think a face to face conversation has to happen down the road, you two need to start over with a clean slate. An email will NOT fix this. You don't like her, she doesn't like you. Your boyfriend is stuck in the middle.

[jen_r]

It comes down to this. Do you really want to try to work things out with her and mean it? Are you willing to be the bigger person for a while, until his mom can see you in a better light? Are you ready to learn to let little things go and focus on the bigger picture?

 

An email is pointless, she won't read it. Forcing you to do this isn't the right way to go about it. Time is on your side..

 

Take things slow. Date him and just dont' go rushing back by moving in with him.

 

IF/When that time comes you do talk to her, and I think a face to face conversation has to happen down the road, you two need to start over with a clean slate. An email will NOT fix this. You don't like her, she doesn't like you. Your boyfriend is stuck in the middle.

 

I do want to be with him and I do want things to just be civil between his family and I.

 

I wanted to take things slow and continue dating without his family being involved for a while and then somewhere down the road have a dinner and talk things over. BUT, my bf is constantly like "I'm wondering why you aren't rushing to write this email and help me try to fix this!" He is dead set on me writing this. I'm pretttty sure I know why. She needs me to bow down and kiss her feet. If I go on dating him without acknowledging her exsistence she will take this as a further insult.

 

 

I wrote an email, haven't sent it yet....I was debating on posting it here to see if it seemed like I was sorry but standing my ground on her overbearing-ness.

[stace79]

I do want to be with him and I do want things to just be civil between his family and I.

 

I wanted to take things slow and continue dating without his family being involved for a while and then somewhere down the road have a dinner and talk things over. BUT, my bf is constantly like "I'm wondering why you aren't rushing to write this email and help me try to fix this!" He is dead set on me writing this. I'm pretttty sure I know why. She needs me to bow down and kiss her feet. If I go on dating him without acknowledging her exsistence she will take this as a further insult.

 

 

I wrote an email, haven't sent it yet....I was debating on posting it here to see if it seemed like I was sorry but standing my ground on her overbearing-ness.

 

See, if I were in your boyfriend's shoes, and my mother continued to be overbearing like this, I would tell her something to the effect of "Listen, I love this guy (girl in your instance), and I'm going to continue seeing her. If you care about me as your child, then you will wish me every happiness and get over your animosity."

 

If my mother continued to be a nag or a b----, I would just stop talking to her as much.

 

I'm with jamal, who says your man needs to stand on his own two feet and let his mother know how it is. Jamal is right -- if he lets his mother dictate his personal relationships, he's never going to stand up to her about anything.

[Kasan]

This situation cannot be resolved with a simple email.

 

The only thing that can help the relationship is time, a lot of time.

 

I'm in a similar situation with my son's so. She has pulled a lot of crappy things (not saying you have) in the four years since they have been together, and suffice to say, no apology, email, or meeting at a dinner could make things right with us right now.

 

I expect he will marry her and she will become a part of our family, and I hope in time we can put all of this behind us and become a true family. But it will take time on our part and an understanding on her part why we feel the way we do. I remain ever hopeful. After all, we as parents want our kids to be happy.

 

On the other hand, I really like my daughter's so.

 

Resolving these issues with his family is going to be tough and both sides will have to put their hurt feelings aside. Good luck!

[stillafool]

Yuck, Momma's boys. I hope you know if you marry this guy his mom is going to be like a ball and chain around both of your necks. Been there and don't want to go back.

[jen_r]

This situation cannot be resolved with a simple email.

 

The only thing that can help the relationship is time, a lot of time.

 

I'm in a similar situation with my son's so. She has pulled a lot of crappy things (not saying you have) in the four years since they have been together, and suffice to say, no apology, email, or meeting at a dinner could make things right with us right now.

 

I expect he will marry her and she will become a part of our family, and I hope in time we can put all of this behind us and become a true family. But it will take time on our part and an understanding on her part why we feel the way we do. I remain ever hopeful. After all, we as parents want our kids to be happy.

 

On the other hand, I really like my daughter's so.

 

Resolving these issues with his family is going to be tough and both sides will have to put their hurt feelings aside. Good luck!

 

I've done "crappy" things. Such as not wanting to do lunch dates with her in the begining of our relationship. I felt way too uncomfortable. And then at a family get-together, I walked out during a fight with my bf and didn't say goodbye to anyone. Apparantly I'm not talkative enough and I don't ask her if she needs help when we have dinner at her house.

OMG how awful right? :-/

 

I, too, believe there is no salvaging the relationship between his family and I. But, what am I supposed to do? Basically my bf is saying this email is going to make or break us. I don't see the email doing a damn thing, but he sees it as a step in the right direction. Baby steps.

 

And as far as "parents want their children to be happy", this lady is quite the opposite. She is very bitter about her life and well you know, misery loves company.

[tigressA]

I, too, believe there is no salvaging the relationship between his family and I. But, what am I supposed to do? Basically my bf is saying this email is going to make or break us. I don't see the email doing a damn thing, but he sees it as a step in the right direction. Baby steps.

 

And as far as "parents want their children to be happy", this lady is quite the opposite. She is very bitter about her life and well you know, misery loves company.

 

"Make or break" you? Oh please, give me a break. This guy's a totally spineless wuss! You should just get rid of him.

[torranceshipman]

I don't think you should write an email. For your boyfriend to say doing so is 'make or break' for you both is really wrong - he is already bringing you into a hostile situation as it is, then you have to apologize all over the place, too, when you really feel uncomfortable about it? I actually don't really like the sound of how he is treating you in this situation.

 

The most I would suggest writing is a brief lunch invite to them both as a gift from you, with a 'new start' kind of vibe going on. That is gracious and generous and healthy of you, but that is the absolute limit of what you should be doing.

 

Do you feel that he is respectful to your wishes in general? Because if you and he work out, you are signing up to a life of all this and you need to be sure you can put up with a life of this type of crap. I have a friend in exactly the same situation and that family trashes her self esteem - it's horrible.

[carhill]

Tell me, what has changed since you broke up a few months ago? A few months is way too short for any sort of meaningful change, based on the issues raised by you in that past thread. IMO, you're young, grow yourself by yourself and a compatible man will come your way. Absent your 'connection', do you really think this man is compatible? Reflect upon the 'why'. Good luck

[collegemommy]

I didn't read anyone's reply to your post so if I'm saying the same thing, I'm sorry.

 

I have an MIL from hell. Ok, not really but she knows how to push my buttons like no other.

 

We have had some huge disagreements. To the point where she didn't see her grandkids for about 6 months because I refused to allow her to favor one grandchild over the others. She purchased a whole bunch of stuff for one of the kids and virtually nothing for the other two. I took the stuff back to her house and told her it was not welcome in my home if it wasn't equal. She claimed I was trying to brainwash her grandchildren and control her son. I was simply just pointing out her hypocrisy and unfairness. Her son started to take notice as did the mother (my fiance's ex) of the two oldest grandchildren. We all decided to stop allowing it to happen.

 

Anyway, I sent her an email after months of not speaking. My email was civil, basically requesting to have a meeting to discuss our falling out for the sake of the kids. She refused to meet me face to face but did state she would hash everything out via email. I would suggest that you NOT send an email. You have no way of judging her reaction, her tone, or anything else and she can't judge those things from you either. Things will no doubt be taken the wrong way and will cause an even bigger problem.

 

My suggestion? Let your BF handle his mother. His mother, his problem. I've taken that road with my MIL. We all get along now. I can go over and sit for hours, talking and laughing. No problems. If there is a problem with that needs to be addressed (and is not directly with me or my daughter), I let him handle it. No need to stir up the pot... In your situation, your BF may need to tell his MIL that you are a part of his life whether she likes it or not. She has two choices: Accept it or don't. If she refuses to accept it, maybe he needs to let her spend some time without him in her a life. It will be a matter of time before she decides that the relationship with her son is more important to her than the difference of opinion the two of you are having.

[make me believe]

I think that sometimes families can be unreasonable and not like their child's SO for no valid reason whatsoever... but in this situation it seems like they may have a point in not wanting you two to be together. Ultimately it is you & your BF's decision, but you two have been breaking up repeatedly for months, and are now back "on". You have been rude to his mother since the beginning by refusing her invitations to get to know each other over lunch and fighting with your bf at a family function & then storming out. Can you really blame his family for not being excited that you two are back together?? "On again, off again" relationships like this rarely work out. If your relationship was healthy, you wouldn't be breaking up all the time.

 

I'm not trying to rag on you, but I think I can see things from his mother's perspective here. I also think you should take carhill's advice into consideration & really consider if this relationship is good for you. HAS anything changed since the last time you broke up? It doesn't really sound like it because he is STILL choosing his family over you. And believe me, a guy like that will NEVER make you his top priority. His family is always going to come first.

[stace79]

I think that sometimes families can be unreasonable and not like their child's SO for no valid reason whatsoever... but in this situation it seems like they may have a point in not wanting you two to be together. Ultimately it is you & your BF's decision, but you two have been breaking up repeatedly for months, and are now back "on". You have been rude to his mother since the beginning by refusing her invitations to get to know each other over lunch and fighting with your bf at a family function & then storming out. Can you really blame his family for not being excited that you two are back together?? "On again, off again" relationships like this rarely work out. If your relationship was healthy, you wouldn't be breaking up all the time.

 

I'm not trying to rag on you, but I think I can see things from his mother's perspective here. I also think you should take carhill's advice into consideration & really consider if this relationship is good for you. HAS anything changed since the last time you broke up? It doesn't really sound like it because he is STILL choosing his family over you. And believe me, a guy like that will NEVER make you his top priority. His family is always going to come first.

 

I kind of agree. Carhill always has some good advice. And keep in mind that the "on again/off again" relationships wear on families, too. Not just you and your bf.

 

I'm very close to my parents/sister, so any time my bf and I would argue/split up, they'd have to have me over crying and depressed, and it disrupted their lives as much as mine. Maybe since your bf is so close with his family, that's what they experienced.

[jen_r]

Just a little update.

 

I wrote the email 2 days ago. No response, duh.

But today, he broke up with me.

 

You know anyone whos life is more pathetic?

 

 

Wish I could send her another email like, SIKKKEEEE bitch - I hate you still.