SadandConfusedWA Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Would you feel that it's appropriate for your H to share a small apartment for a week with much younger and pretty co-worker on a business trip when there is an option of separate hotel rooms? I have had some mixed advice from my real life friends so I am not sure if I am making a too big of a deal out of this - perhaps this is perfectly normal to most people.
LittleTiger Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 If there's another option then, no, I wouldn't be happy about it. It's not even relevant that she's young or pretty or even whether you trust your husband. If you both know her well outside the workplace and you consider her a good friend then that's different. Otherwise, I just don't think it's appropriate. Unless his employers are refusing to pay for separate hotel rooms your husband shouldn't even be considering it.
secretlady76 Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I think it is inappropriate given that there are other options. I don't know the ins and outs of the situation but that doesn't matter.....I would feel uncomfortable with it if I was you.
Eeyore79 Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 If the business trip was essential and there was no other option but for him to share with this woman, then fair enough. But if there's another option, it's inappropriate for him to choose to share an apartment with another woman. They should take the option of separate hotel rooms, and it's perfectly reasonable for you to be angry if they don't.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 Sorry for the confusion but I am the co-worker not the wife. Me and the wife have met briefly once at a work function but are not friends at all. I just don't want to do anything that would technically cross the boundaries (and have zero interest in having an affair with anyone taken). My gut says that it's inappropriate of the MM (not sure what and if he told the W about it) so I am going to request separate hotel rooms. I am just afraid of looking silly if this a perfectly normal thing to share apartments (and yes there is certainly money and other options). You have given me courage to ask for separate rooms. I guess I am worried that MM would say WTF makes you think that I would ever hit on you I have never been married and with my luck probably never will be so I have no clue of the dynamics of marriage.
JamesM Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 As a married man, I would avoid any situation that would put me in the possible position of breaking my marriage vows. Being in an apartment with a woman who is not my wife and essentially "playing house" while away from home would cross the line for me. Being in a motel is different. Having said that, if I were inclined to stray and the woman was willing, then separate motel rooms would actually be better because it would appear that everything was "safe" and yet we could sneak into each other's rooms. IMO just because a coworker is "much younger" and allegedly pretty, does not mean that she has the sort of appeal that wold cause me to cheat on my wife. I have been on a business trip with a coworker who was a little older than I and had a certain charm about her. She was more tempting than many younger ones. (No, nothing ever happened.) The concern is if there is that attraction between you and him. It is not about age or beauty but about your connection to him. Point is....he should avoid any situation that may cause harm to his marriage. This appears to be one of them.
xxoo Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 It seems like the husband is the one pushing for the shared apt. That would bother me, as a wife. He seems too eager to be trustworthy. I am just afraid of looking silly if this a perfectly normal thing to share apartments (and yes there is certainly money and other options). Maybe just fall back on the "golden rule". Tell him you wouldn't want your future husband sharing an apt with a female coworker, and so you don't feel comfortable sharing an apt with another woman's husband. It doesn't have to imply anything about your relationship, specifically.
reboot Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I find it inappropriate even if there are NO other options. I would find it unacceptable that there WERE no other options.
PandorasBox Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 "My gut says in inappropriate of the MM." If YOU feel it is, then it is, and I would go with what your gut is trying to tell you. I'm sure you'll make the right choice that you'll feel more comfortable about.
Citizen Erased Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 To be honest, him pushing it borders on harassment to me. Even if he was single, it is without a doubt not appropriate for a boss to suggest this situation with another co-worker, someone that works under him. Or to put you in the position for him to say to you "WTF makes you think that I would ever hit on you" as you suggested he would. Is he begging to get sued?
You Go Girl Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Any company that wouldn't pay for separate quarters should be sued. Wisely, this company appears ready to pay for separate quarters. This is a highly inappropriate suggestion. Tell this married man that you would prefer the privacy of your own quarters, should he bring up this idea. That you're younger, pretty, has nothing to do with it.
rewe4reel Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Would you feel that it's appropriate for your H to share a small apartment for a week with much younger and pretty co-worker on a business trip when there is an option of separate hotel rooms? Obviously completely inappropriate. Even if there was no "option" of separate hotel rooms (how could there possibly not be that option? I mean are they sharing a tent in the Gobi Desert or something?) I have NEVER gone on a business trip of any kind, with anyone, in which there weren't sufficient hotel rooms available. I have had some mixed advice from my real life friends so I am not sure if I am making a too big of a deal out of this - perhaps this is perfectly normal to most people.I don't understand. You're not married, are you??? (Are you?) I thought you made a post about being in your 30's without an eligible man in sight, although maybe that was someone else? I apologize if I got confused.
rewe4reel Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 If the business trip was essential and there was no other option but for him to share with this woman, then fair enough. But if there's another option, it's inappropriate for him to choose to share an apartment with another woman. They should take the option of separate hotel rooms, and it's perfectly reasonable for you to be angry if they don't. Actually, no. There are NO possible circumstances in which it would EVER be appropriate for a married man to share living quarters with a young, attractive female. NOR are there any possible circumstances in which it would EVER be "necessary" for this to happen, even if the business trip is "essential." No LEGITIMATE business trip would involve any legitimate employer REQUIRING much less even SUGGESTING that two opposite-sex people share living quarters. Undoubtedly the business's HR policies probably STRICTLY PROHIBIT such sharing due to sexual harassment concerns. The married man and the co-worker are obviously having an affair, and trying to pursue it on the employer's dime during the business trip. Technically, they should both be terminated.
rewe4reel Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Sorry for the confusion but I am the co-worker not the wife. Me and the wife have met briefly once at a work function but are not friends at all. I just don't want to do anything that would technically cross the boundaries (and have zero interest in having an affair with anyone taken). My gut says that it's inappropriate of the MM (not sure what and if he told the W about it) so I am going to request separate hotel rooms. I am just afraid of looking silly if this a perfectly normal thing to share apartments (and yes there is certainly money and other options). You have given me courage to ask for separate rooms. I guess I am worried that MM would say WTF makes you think that I would ever hit on you I have never been married and with my luck probably never will be so I have no clue of the dynamics of marriage. Did the MM suggest that you share a room with him on this trip? Is he in a supervisory capacity over you? If so, you need to IMMEDIATELY report him to your HR department. Suggesting that you share a room with him on this trip, or even doing nothing so as to permit it to possibly happen without your complaining about it, IS "hitting" on you. I thought you were in your early 30's? Honey can you possibly be this naiive at that age?
rewe4reel Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 As a married man, I would avoid any situation that would put me in the possible position of breaking my marriage vows. Being in an apartment with a woman who is not my wife and essentially "playing house" while away from home would cross the line for me. Being in a motel is different. Having said that, if I were inclined to stray and the woman was willing, then separate motel rooms would actually be better because it would appear that everything was "safe" and yet we could sneak into each other's rooms. IMO just because a coworker is "much younger" and allegedly pretty, does not mean that she has the sort of appeal that wold cause me to cheat on my wife. I have been on a business trip with a coworker who was a little older than I and had a certain charm about her. She was more tempting than many younger ones. (No, nothing ever happened.) The concern is if there is that attraction between you and him. It is not about age or beauty but about your connection to him. Point is....he should avoid any situation that may cause harm to his marriage. This appears to be one of them. When people are living in a space they get undressed, take showers, go to the bathroom, etc. Two people living together in close quarters are INVARIABLY "exposed" to each other in an intimate way. The more I think about it, the more I'm forced to speculate that OP was hopeful that LS would tell her it's OK to share quarters with the MM, as she states, she's "no friend" of his wife, right? This is the woman who hasn't found the right man yet, according to another thread, and is upset about it. I'm having difficulty believing anyone in their 30's could be as naiive about this stuff as OP seems to be. Carhill, theoretically you are correct; in practice, no one should be doing anything which might encourage OP along these sorts of lines.
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I’m not even married and this would be one of those Oh-Hell-No situations for me. And I wouldn’t care if she were a 600 pound bull dike. In all fairness though, if the situation were reversed, my partner would give me all leeway I needed to make that decision on my own without his input… after he left me for being daft enough to even consider it!
rewe4reel Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Sad and Confused, Sorry if my prior posts seemed a little critical. You know what? Why not just ask the MM's wife what she thinks about the notion of you sharing the living space with her husband? If she's OK with it, who am I to suggest otherwise? I need to learn to be a little more open-minded.
JackJack Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I would have to say YES that is inappropriate for a MM to suggest this. Not sure how well you know the wife, but maybe you could get her 2 cents on it. Bet she knows nothing of this arrangement.
HappyAtLast Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Um, I don't believe that any companies would have members of the opposite sex sharing living quarters knowingly. I realize that the economy necessitates cutting back, and I have seen situations where apartments have been rented for long term travel for lower-level employees, but always segregating the sexes. I certainly hope that the man in this situation has not suggested this?
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I just read your other thread on the "business and professional" forum about how your married boss, whom you used to have a big crush on & flirtation with, is the one pushing for this. I also read NO posts advising you that it's a good idea. Wasn't that enough advice about this dumb scenario? WHY are you on this forum today, asking the same question? No married people, men or women, are going to say that this is a fine idea and of course you know that. Even if they did, what about YOU? Do you know what is appropriate and inappropriate, or even "right" and "wrong"? Is your boss intimidating you? Even the suggestion from a male boss to a female employee under his supervision IS legally SEXUAL HARASSMENT. Sorry if I'm sounding all strident, but I cannot even believe you entertained this stupid notion for a moment ... "yeah, right" and laughter would have been an appropriate answer to his proposition. So would a call to your HR department (if your "company" has one ... it surely doesn't sound like a very businesslike operation. What kind of work goes on there?) or to an attorney. Yes, your boss sounds like a sleazebag but you sound like a person who is about ready to abandon all semblance of taking responsibility for herself. Unless these are "attention getting" threads.
2sunny Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 he sounds like a douche bag... my question is - WHY would HE think for a minute that you would be willing to go along with such an absurd business travel arrangement? tell him HELL NO!
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 Thanks you. Yes, I am that naive. And yes, HE has suggested this multiple times. Even pressured me to look for accomodation together NOW (a small apartment) as it can sell out (the trip is 6 months away). The reason I posted 2 threads is that I feel I didn't get enough responses in the first one. JamesM has a point though that he might have easily hit on me with separate motel rooms too. Something really weird happened too - his wife has invited me to dinner at their house next weekend. It will just be me and him and his wife. As I said before, I barely spoke to his W for 5mins in 4 years that I have been working there. I am not sure if the dinner invite is connected to this trip. I am pretty sure that he told her about the trip with me minus the details of the sleeping arrangements, but who knows. Hell, even if his W is OK with it I AM NOT and that's all that matters. I am a bit scared to be honest, that saying no will hurt my career prospects.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 And to re-iterate I have no desire to have an affair with anyone. I find it offensive that someone has mentioned that just because I am 30 and single I secretly want to sleep with MMs I am BETTER than being some sleazy MM's cum bucket. In fact, if I wanted that I would have happily booked the accomodation already and started no threads on it at all apart from perhaps what nightie to wear to best seduce the MM
allina Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Did you change the arrangements yet? I would set up separate hotel rooms asap. Doing this will not hurt your career prospects. If anything, spending the night in an apartment with an older, married co-worker will hurt your career prospects.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 Did you change the arrangements yet? I would set up separate hotel rooms asap. Doing this will not hurt your career prospects. If anything, spending the night in an apartment with an older, married co-worker will hurt your career prospects. I am setting up sharing a small apartment with a female from another building as we speak. This way I can save company's money and not have to share with the boss which I feel is win-win for me.
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