Considering leaving my husband....

[aylamae]

Hi everyone, here is my story... I have been with my husband nine years, and married for three years. We have a three year old daughter together. From the begining of our relationship it has been up and down. Before I got pregnant, we drank alot, and I believe that was a cause of alot of our fights and break-ups. When we got pregnant, I thought that would stop a lot of our problems. I was thinking that we would settle down and start growing up. We got married very quickly. Things were hard for me when I was pregnant, because he was still drinking alot and act not being as supportive as I wanted, but after we had our daughter things did get better for us..for a short while.

 

After being married for about a year, things started going downhill. I started catching him pleasuring himself and not being as interested in me. And not to sound concieted, but I consider myself pretty good looking and awesome in bed. Anyway, this caused a lot of fighting, made me feel insecure and jealous, and after so many times of going through it, I eventually lost sexual interest in him.

 

We started having lots of other problems too, like fighting about everything you can think of money, drinking, being controlling, jealousy, etc. Anyway to sum it up, were at the point now where we just fight every other day, don't have sex, and can only have a good time when were with friends or if we go on vacation. We cannot communicate at all, and no matter what, the same issues always come up and never get resolved. I have absolutly no sexual interest in him and I constently have the urge to cheat on him. Even when we get along, I think of him more like a friend than a lover. I know that I am not happy anymore and I am ready to move on.

 

The problem is is that he will not let me go. He does not feel the same way sexually and he doesnt think our other problems are that bad. I have told him everything that I thought was wrong with our relationship and that I've been unhappy for a long time and that I was thinking of moving out. He has finally realized that I am serious and is now trying to do everything he can to get me to stay. I am worried he can't handle me leaving him and will go into a drinking depressed binge. He is making me feel very guilty for feeling this way, and I have coonsidered staying because it is too hard to hurt him but I feel that if I stay, it wont be for me, it'll be because of guilt. I also have to consider that we have a child together and the impact on her. Another problem is that we have all the same friends, and his cousin is one of my best friends and my daughters godmother. I don't know what to do, please help....

[ishmaiel]

You are in a difficult situation. I am hurting myself right now (aren't we all), and can empathize (hug). No solution will be an easy one.

 

I think that first you have to ask yourself is this: is there anything that would make you want to stay with your husband (in terms of his behaviour)? In other words, are there things he can do (regardless whether you or he think that he's able) that would redirect the relationship back towards a healthy state.

 

If the answer is no - there is no conceivable way in which you could gain affection towards him, even if he were to stop all current negative behaviour, then you now have answered your part of the situation. You communicate it to him clearly and free of ambiguity.

 

The longer you wait, the greater the pain later. You will have less strength, and so will he. Act now and firmly. I realize this is harsh, and easier said than done.

 

I understand that you feel guilty and are worried about him. This is not only normal, but the human thing to do. Breaking up is chaos, and it will be hard for both of you. He may have fewer tools with which to deal with it, and be in a worse space. If you feel strong enough to be a support for him during this process, then you should feel ok to do so. This may help you deal with your guilt. Helping him to bootstrap himself and cope would be a sign to you that, although you initiated the breakup, you were civil, caring and gentle. All of these things are good, regardless of the situation.

 

For example, you could say that you are taking 3 months to move out of your current home. Set rules for your interactions that are comfortable for you, but at the same time let him know that you will help him. Make the offer, and it will be up to him to accept. If he does not accept, or pushes it too far, then he will have to deal with the consequences. If you break up, tell him that this part is non-negotiable. Then ask him what he thinks he needs during the breakup process and see whether you can be part of it.

 

Yes, you are responsible for his well being, but up to a point. You are responsible as one human being to another, as the wife of someone you (once) loved, and as the friend that you feel you are to him. He is also responsible for himself, and ultimately the large burden of the situation falls squarely on him and for him to deal with.

 

And now back to the original question. If you feel that there is some way to return the relationship back to what you want, or imagine, allow him the opportunity (last call, so to speak) to make significant changes for him, you and you both as a couple. Let him know, in no uncertain terms, what you need from him and what you feel he needs to do for himself. Allow him to rise to the occasion and become a full partner.

 

There are two issues here: what you need, and what he needs. You can each answer for yourselves, but you cannot answer for the other person. At all times, be honest, sincere to yourself and him. Let him know exactly how you feel - don't make it sound more cruel than it is, though, just be factual.

 

I rambled on, somewhat. My own toughts are jumbled right now.

 

I wish you, and him, strength and courage and small comfort in seeing the breakup (if it happens) as stepping out of an unhappiness into another place, into which you will step as changed people. Changed by your past together, changed by your problems together and changed by the choices you make to leave. These changes are part of life - which right now feels like a gut-wrenching process, ugly and unbearable - but it will get better, for you and for him.

[hopesndreams]

I constently have the urge to cheat on him.

 

With whom? When? Is there anyone now that you have an interest in?

[tojaz]

Well, first off, are we truly considering or has the decision already been made?

 

Aside from telling him what you dont like, what all have you both tried to repair the damage done?

 

You have only been married a short time, so you are still learning how to be married so to speak. That takes time and patience and its not always going to be perfect. Add to the mix that your also learning to be parents, thats a lot of pressure to undertake. I will give you this because I wish someone had given it to my ex as she said a lot of the same things you are saying here. IF YOUR UNHAPPY, CHANGE YOUR LIFE, CHANGE YOUR SITUATION, CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT THINGS..... BEFORE YOU CHANGE YOUR SPOUSE! In other words, your relationship took you 12 years to build it to what it is, why rush to tear it down.

 

TOJAZ

[You Go Girl]

Interesting...my roommate only H (the last 14 months) has a drinking problem and a porn problem, which both lead to honesty problems, and therefore terrible conflict resolution skills.

What is the connection between these two behaviors?

[aylamae]

Thank you everyone for reading my story and giving advise, I really need it now. Well to answer your questions first;

 

Ishmaiel--As far as changes that could be made to get along better-yes. There are things that I would like to see changed, the problem is that he is well aware of everything that is wrong in our relationship and he makes promises to change, I just never see it. I know that there are some things that I could work on too, I don't want to blame him for everything, but I feel like I've put in a lot more effort than him and am burnt out.

As far as changes he could make that would make me more attracted to him sexually-no! My sexual attraction for him has been gone for so long, I really don't think that there is any way that I can ever get that back. I should've mentioned that its not just his porn addiction that got me uninterested, other things have contributed to it. For instance, he is a smoker, I am not. He is also is a heavier drinker than me and his drinking turns me off. And he is never romantic. I have come to realize, that if I stay with him, I am basically giving up my sex life.

It is interesting that you mentioned the move out plan. Our lease is actually up at the end of the summer. We are currently renting and he wants to buy a house after we move out. I am not ready to do that. I'm kinda pushing the seperation now, because I feel like if we are going to do it, now is the perfect time. We have to move anyway, and our daughter is still young enough to not know everything thats going on. Your right, the longer we wait, the harder it'll be. And as our daughter gets older, it'll be harder on her too.

 

Which leaves me to answer the question for Hopesndreams--Yes, I did fool around with a friend of mine. Me and my husband were in a huge fight (as usual) and I turned to him a few times for affection. We felt guilty and ended it before we got too involved with each other. Cheating is something I don't want have to do and I wouldn't even consider if I was in a normal, healthy relationship. It makes me feel horrible, but I do have a lot of guy friends and I get hit on a lot when I go out. The temptation is always there and the worse it gets with my husband, the harder it is to fight off.

 

Anyway, I am positive that I know I want a separation, I just don't know if I can handle hurting him. I really worry about him going off the deep end with the drinking, losing his job, not being able to take care of our daughter. He is very manipulative and would probably try to turn all our friends and family againts me because he would be so bitter about everything. I don't think that there is any way I can get him to take it well. I'm not sure if I can handle a nasty divorce.

 

He says I'm just giving up. I've been unhappy for a long time and felt like I've tried everything I can to change things. I feel like a separation is our only option at this point. What do you guys think???

[You Go Girl]

Well I'm biased. My stbx (we are divorcing) is a high functioning alcoholic and a porn addict. He's lied about these behaviors for 5-6 years, in sum, the entire marriage.

I let him know in very clear terms what wasn't acceptable to me 5+ years ago. Nothing has changed.

What I see in your H is the same type of behaviors, and unwillingness to change. Everytime my stbx said he would change, it lasted a few days max. I think, from what you write, that your H is an alcoholic too.

You aren't responsible for somebody else's drinking, no matter what behavior of yours. They are responsible for their drinking, and nobody else on the planet is!

You could join Al-anon. It's all about focusing on yourself, not him. But it does lead you back to sanity, focusing on improving your own life and not being codependent.

Anything he does, any behavior, he owns, all by himself, and not you. Same goes for any behavior of yours. Marriage does not make people reflective of each other in ways of responsibility, and owning character, whether good or flawed.

Al-anon tries to get YOU to focus on you, and let him deal with him, whether in AA (preferably) or not. The problem for me was that without his behavior changing, I would only continue to distance myself and detach emotionally. I have been on the couch for the last 14 months before we decided to definitely call it quits a few days ago.

And I understand the seeking affection from another. I too sought affection from a friend who I had a crush on. But I'm not going to become this person's gf, or wife, or anything else.

It's difficult for others to understand, but when you've been married and haven't even had a crush on another man, yet your man constantly has sex with imaginary women on the computer, it feels as if he has been cheating for all that time. Especially because my stbx would always lie about it. And yeah, he was never turned down for sex ever, and was doing this, when I too was very enthusiastic in the bedroom.

This leads me to tell you to read up on egotistical narcisstic personality. You said your H is intimidating. Yes, so is mine, very much so. He loves going off on a 'I know more about this than you' intimidation rant. He likes to patonize. It's unbecoming and people distance themselves from him. He's a high paid professional and expert that can't separate his work ego from his personal ego. All this stems from childhood trauma that molded his personality that way.

It's very depressing, very sad, to live in the same house as someone once you've made the final decision. So I hope you can get out quickly, one of you.

I've accepted that's who he is, and he isn't going to change. That's important. As long as you are trying or hoping to change someone, you don't deal with the reality. I know my boundaries now, and since I've given up drinking except lightly, and know my sexual boundaries with a partner, I will be far more able to make a suitable decision in the future.

But time is needed alone! The thought of someone new placing any kind of demands on me is not somewhere I am willing to go. I simply don't have anything left to give at this point.

If you left him and he went off the deep end and binge drank, that could be his rock bottom. Every alcoholic needs to find their own rock bottom to begin to climb up again, and nobody can stop them.

Edited June 4, 2010 by You Go Girl

[ishmaiel]

...the problem is that he is well aware of everything that is wrong in our relationship and he makes promises to change, I just never see it...

 

...for instance, he is a smoker, I am not. He is also is a heavier drinker than me and his drinking turns me off...

 

...And he is never romantic. I have come to realize, that if I stay with him, I am basically giving up my sex life...

 

These, among other things, are your needs and they sound non-negotiable. You do not want to continue the relationship with him carrying out current behaviour - that is your prerogative.

 

It is also your ultimate responsibility to communicate these needs with absolute and utter clarity, along with the consequences of them not being met.

 

I am saying this because I wish my wife had given me this very kind of talk six months ago. Alas, at the time she was not entire aware of her own needs, which she is in the process of trying to discover right now.

 

Consider this: you want to be with someone who considers you a top priority in their life. We all do. This means that you must feel like you are more important to him than the smoking, drinking and porn.

 

Asking for drastic changes in behaviour isn't asking him to change for you - it is asking him to complete your needs. The two are different. The former is about him, the latter about you.

 

If you have the strength, consider giving him one last chance, with as strong an incentive as possible. I suggest throwing him into the fire.

 

When your lease is up, move apart. Get your own spaces. Stay apart for 3 months. Negotiate contact during that time to your *mutual* satisfaction. After 3 months, come back and re-evaluate. Consider what you'd like to see from him after 3 months to be closer to returning back to him - and ask for that. Be reasonable, but also be honest to your own needs. The more honest you are with him, the more motivated he will be.

 

Right now, he may consider himself in a position where more negative actions will push you further away. Let him know that you are, for all intents and purposes, gone from him and that only positive actions from him will bring you closer. Period. Put him in a position of responsibility.

 

Ultimately, if he fails to convince you that you are central in his life, more than his habits, then you must not stay with him. For your sake and the sake of any future relationships.

 

M

[sally4sara]

Is it possible for the two of you to separate as far as the living arrangement goes but try dating each other before going full till to divorce?

[Chi townD]

okay, who's the other guy.....