sharing my story..

[swishyinhersatin]

Hello there. First of all, let me say that it is great hearing everyone be so open about their situations. I hope that things work out for the best, for everyone : )

 

My husband and I have been married 8 years this summer. He is a student and goes to a school an hour away. He recently got an internship there too, so I suggested that he take an apartment there. It was an idea another friend, who does the same commute, had, and they thought it would be good to share an apartment. Also, we have been having some troubles and he is having a hard time focusing on work and school, plus the long commute is making him grumpy and is costing us in maintence on the vehicle and gas.

 

We have considered separating for a long time. I have a lot of resentment that is toxic, and many of you know how powerful this can be. To be fair to both of us, I want some space, peace and clarity to sort out these feelings. I know he feels rejected, but I feel like I have put my entire self into this marriage, and I suspect he's pretty depressed, just in general. He has always had self esteem issues and I have tried very hard to nuture and support him, but I feel he needs to feel good, for HIM, not just for me, you know?

 

We have two small children together. He does not see them often because of his schedule. I must admit, we do not spend very much time together and this has driven us apart as well. His mother lives down the street, and I spent several years trying to get her to babysit so we could have dates, and asking if he would maybe plan a fun outing, but he just isn't interested. He forgets to shower, and I have to remind him. He makes poor choices and I do not feel like he has the best interest of the family in mind.

 

It is increasingly hard for me to have respect for him, and for me, love is very much tied to respect. We have been poor and in transition for years. He was not motivated to get a good job (he has worked retail for our entire marriage, in a college town, with no benefits) and I have frequently worked overtime to support the family. I worked two jobs while pregnant to his three shifts a week. When we got married, there was no ring. I picked one out at a pawn shop later and he forgot the pay the 20 dollars a month. They called me and said they were putting it back in the case so I went and paid it off myself.

 

I feel like he is a third child for me, and it is affecting our sex life and has been for years. This sounds horrible, but I just want him away from me so I can heal from these resentments (there are so many more, too many to list. Like how he sold his post-surgery pain pills to a stranger one of his buddies sent over from work (unannounced) in front of my children, last month !!! Sorry, this is not acceptable to me)

 

Everyone thinks he is the most awesome guy, so laid back, etc. So of course, I am the villian, and why? Because I have expectations? Because I want my husband to shake himself out of his comfort zone and make sacrifices for his family? I feel like these complaints are so universal, that it is "just the way it is" and I should accept it. But it is so contrary to my values that I simply cannot any longer. I still love him, but I feel like I need a breather before I am so angry at him that it effects us forever. Does this make sense? There is no other man/woman. I get crushes, yes, and have had fantasies of a different life but that's as far as it goes.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Nutmeg617]

I'm writing this on my cell phone, which is about to die so I have to keep this short. I felt compelled to respond to this post, though, because of how many similarities there seem to be in our situations. Right down to the part about where he forgets to shower, honestly. I don't know if it's depression, or just pure laziness, but I am at a point where I need to sort it all out too. I just wanted you to know you're not crazy and you're not alone. I will try to write more when I can. Take care.

[swishyinhersatin]

thank you so much, please do. I don't know what to do...

[You Go Girl]

This possible new living arrangement could be good for both of you. However it won't be good for the marriage. Immersed nearly 100% in college life will lead him to think that is his life, slowly spending less and less time thinking about his family, slowly thinking the college life is home.

 

Then there's the possibility of infidelity with him living in that arrangement, specifically because he appears less emotionally mature than you are.

 

Then too, your peace without him in the family home could lead to you feeling that you enjoy being the single parent.

 

I think you know that you are considering the idea of him moving out as being a stepping stone to a permanent separation.

However yo do need to consider the complete loss of each other, seriously, because that could arouse a desire in yourself to save your marriage.

This 'easing' out of married life may seem less painful, but eventually, if it comes to a permanent separation, the realization will grab you hard emotionally then. I know this because I have been only roommates with my H for the last 14 months. It may be a gradual emotional and physical detachment, but one day you still wake up and realize the gravity of the whole thing.

[swishyinhersatin]

Thanks for the reply! I guess I don't really see this as easing out of the marriage, though, but I agree that a slower transition seems like a less abrupt one. I see this sabbatical, as it were, as a respite. I would rather get some clarity and heal from these resentments rather than just one day "have enough" and walk out, which I think is possible, and I would like to avoid that. Does that make sense? He was my friend first, for several years, and I really really would like for it to remain that way. I don't think things have to always get nasty. I know they do, probably more often than not, but if I concentrate on making good choices I think I will be ok. Already, some friends invited me to Atlanta to hang out, there will be lots of single guys around I'm sure, and I said no. Why should I complicate matters? This is between him and me, and I don't need OM clouding my decisions.

 

As far as infidelity on his, part, I don't know about that. He's more likely to stay up late looking at porn on the internet! Who knows though, I'm sure stranger things have happened. I'm not too concerned with all the what if's though, I could make myself crazy thinking about that!

 

I totally agree that I could possibly get used to being a single parent, though, lol. Already it has been sort of nice musing about being able to go through the day without having to worry about his comings and goings. I guess I want to, well, give myself the opportunity to really get quiet about all of this, maybe even miss him, maybe even miss him a whole bunch! And maybe he will also get quiet and think, "Oh CRAP!" and want to make some changes, by showing me he is interested by going to counseling or reading a book or ANYTHING that makes me feel like he is making an effort. I don't want a miracle, I just want some effort : ) He has the information, but he has to choose to use it, this is something I cannot do for him.

[Nutmeg617]

Have you considered marriage counseling? I can't say for sure that it would help, but in my opinion it's a step that should be tried before separation. My husband is a brick wall, claims he has no feelings, and has very poor communication skills, but MC did help him listen and talk more openly, stop fighting so dirty (sometimes. He's a downright A-hole when we fight), and at least start making attempts at fixing things. I think having a stranger confirming to him that all the things i'd been complaining about for years were valid shook him up enough to make him look at himself. The downside to MC that I'm feeling is that we started to become dependent on it to sustain us. It was like our weekly boost of hope. We'd go to our session, by the end feel like we made some progress, go home feeling better, and then by the time we were due for our next session we were on the downward spiral again. We haven't gone now for two months, and things are getting pretty bad again, at least from my standpoint. I also have had trouble motivating him to care for his family (was very depressed while being laid off recently, I did all the job searching and applying for him), and he never seems to want to do anything with just the two of us (we have a two year old son). My mother in law also lives down the street, and although she is happy to babysit, my husband and I never end up doing anything even if I ask him to go out for dinner or to a movie....whatever! Just something rather than sitting in front of the TV or watching him stare into his computer screen.

 

A week or so ago I sat him down and once again tried to slap him in the face with the severity of these issues. He gets it, but never has seemed to care long enough to take much action to help fix things. We had basically decided it would be a good idea to separate and give each other time to do some soul searching. Neither of us really wants it to be this way, but nothing ever changes and I feel like I've tried everything else (prior to MC I was trying to fix it all myself because he was unresponsive to my pleas). And I don't know if I can ever get past the fact that he's told me he's not in love with me and feels no connection to me. You can't un-say those things, and I'm not sure I'll ever trust him saying he loves me again.

 

I wish I had some sound advice for you, but unfortunately we seem to be in the same spot right now. I also often wonder if this is just how it's supposed to be or if we are truly dysfunctional and need to be working a lot harder. I can't imagine that marriage is supposed to be this miserable. I'm starting to get numb, though, and that's scary. I'm with you on the fantasizing about life with some other man, although there really isn't anyone in particular that I am thinking about. I also don't think my husband is cheating, since he rarely even leaves the house (works from home). Have you eliminated that possibility for yourself? I would think if yours were cheating he would remember to shower, though. What is up with that?! I don't understand how grown men can have such bad personal hygiene that they need their wives to hand them the shampoo and turn on the water for them! Sheesh!!!

 

Anyway, I could go on and on....I don't think I was much help, but just know that you have a sister in misery and you can feel free to vent all those frustrations. You'll have a listener .

[swishyinhersatin]

Haha, he sounds like my guy. We've done counseling a few times, yes, and he did not stick with it. And I have personally done counseling and am a former social worker. I feel like these are personality conflicts, in many ways. And learned behaviors, that need to be unlearned. He has the information, I would like to see him do something with it. I am not making any more appts, or calling any more people, filling out more college applications or buying anymore marriage books that only get read by me. If he wants it, he'll work for it. If he doesn't, well, then I know where we stand. This sounds severe, perhaps even stubborn, yes, but I did not get married so that I could feel like a mother and supervisor to a grown man. I was better at it at the beginning, but motivating someone continually is, well, exhausting. I am physically and emotionally tired. I'm not putting in my notice, but I'm taking a vacation from my marriage. Maybe this is awful, but if I don't, I am going to wind up frustrated and perhaps going to a place that I cannot come back from.

 

He does tell me he loves me, though. I'm sorry that your man said those things, that must be really tough!! You are amazing for sticking around. I think if he said that to me I'd probably have been out by now. You are a better woman than I am : )

[Nutmeg617]

I have also decided that I'm done enabling the laziness. He grew up with a mother who did everything for him, and he went from living with her to living with me. So I understand where his behavior comes from, I'm just tired of making excuses for it. After we spoke about separating we talked again the following night and agreed to I guess give it one last shot (again). I told him, rather bluntly, that I was sick of his mopey attitude, I was done having all of the responsibility of our lives rest on my shoulders, and that it's time for him to snap out of it and grow up and become the man of the house. He agreed he's been lacking in these areas, and I've actually seen some effort in recent days. Call it being harsh, stubborn, bitchy...whatever...I guess it made him take notice. Hopefully the same will happen for you.

 

I don't blame you for wanting to take a breather. There are so many other ways to be stressed out in life, marriage shouldn't be on that list. It shouldn't, but I know at times it's unavoidable. But your spouse is supposed to be someone who will be the rock that you can lean on when you feel like collapsing. And someone you can be a rock to as well, but not all the time. At some point a man has to learn to take care of himself. Snap out of his Peter Pan complex and step into reality. Something has to make that happen, I guess we just have to hope that we'll discover that something before we're too far gone to care anymore.

 

It does hurt to hear him say those things, but I can't pretend it doesn't go both ways. I'm not in love with him right now either. I have a desire to be, and that's part of what is keeping me in the fight, I just don't know if that desire is shared. I miss the time when he was affectionate, paid me compliments, kissed me hello and goodbye...the sorts of things that make a girl feel good. But now if he decides to do those things I feel like it's forced. As if he doesn't really want to, but knows he's supposed to be working on the marriage, so he makes the sacrifice. I guess the effort is appreciated, but it still feels empty.

 

Keep me posted on how the separation goes and if you make any progress. I feel for you, this is a very confusing situation....

[swishyinhersatin]

What about you? Are you staying?

 

I don't know what to do. I feel like such a fool! I am so hot and cold. Last month I wanted another baby and this month he does something crazy and I have those old resentments. He is probably as confused as I am! I guess I keep thinking of ways we can make things new and fun again (not that having another baby is a good idea!) , and then I feel sad that I am the only one "working" on the marriage, or at least, thinking about it. But then, he's satisfied, for the most part, so why should he try to work on it? From his perspective he has an energetic, goal oriented and attractive wife and two great kids. He's pretty happy! So then I just feel like a high maintenence bitch! Ugh.

[Nutmeg617]

Jeez, it's like you're in my head! I am exactly the same way. I also think I'd like to have another baby, and how much I wish we were in a place where we were ready for that. I'll have half a day where the hope comes flooding in and I feel like we could be in a good place finally. Then, inevitably something happens that rips that away, once again. I also feel like a drama queen at times, like I'm expecting too much. During a recent conversation I brought up some friends of ours who had separated a few years ago. She was unhappy, moved out, had an affair, and somehow they found their way back to each other and their relationship is stronger than ever. I told him that the main reason that was possible was because of how much he loves her. He was willing to do whatever it took to give her what she needs and make her happy so that she would never leave him again. My husband proceeded to tell me that someone loving someone else that much was rare, and if that's what I was looking for I was expecting too much. But, seriously?? How is it expecting too much to want your husband to love you, to lift you up, to adore you (even a little bit), and to give you what you need to make you happy. I kinda had this notion about marriage this whole time that it was a spouses job to do all of that. Silly, silly me....

 

As for whether or not I'm staying, yes, at the moment I am. This past week was the closest we've come to separation, and I think it scared him to finally realize I'm not joking around here. I'm sick and tired of all the crap, and it's seriously time for some drastic changes. I'm staying, but we're still on the edge of the cliff, and will probably be there for some time. I've copped a "no more BS" attitude with him, and I'm seeing some changes, so once again I'm in the hopeful mindset. We have a long ways to go. That in itself is daunting to think about, but the other path seems a lot longer. Our MC told me that if I find myself in a situation where I need to make the right decision I should picture what I want my ultimate goal to be. She used the example of a person trying to lose weight, and they're at a restaurant eyeing the cheeseburger on the menu, but knowing they should order the fish. This person's goal is to lose weight, but it seems so difficult and unsatisfying (the fish). It's so tempting to give yourself the instant gratification and satisfy your immediate want (the cheeseburger). The problem with the cheeseburger is that it paints a picture years later of this person still being the same weight, or even weighing more. Whereas getting in the habit of ordering the fish gives the eventual result we've been after all along. Obviously, she brought it up because it translates to working on a marriage as well. I think she's really into metaphors, lol. In the end, though, it's two people that have to make the decision to make it work. Both of you have to be willing to communicate everything, listen (really, actually listen) to what the other person is saying and respect it, and have a common goal in mind. If you can tell yourself without any doubt that this will never be the case with you and your husband, that neither of you can ever team up and fight against the things that are destroying your marriage, then that is probably when it's time to call it quits.