How am I supposed to be confident when I'm not?

[kahn2154]

I'm about to turn 24, and have never had a girl/woman interested in me before and just the prospect of approaching a girl/dating her/etc etc just terrifies me. Its a combination of I have no idea what to do on top of the fact I'm 24 and by society's standards should be pretty experienced in this area.

 

On top of that I have body issues, used to be obese and as a result have scars from surgery and loose skin, and have been told everything from I look fine to I look deformed, so I don't know if it is in my head or not. But the thought of basically taking clothes off in front of someone else, hell someone even touching me around my stomach would be scary. My worst nightmare would be taking my shirt off and having some girl laugh/be disgusted by me, then fearing her telling others about my body would just devastate me and basically erase years of progress.

 

I really want to finally try, and am thinking about going to a bar this week, I am pretty socially awkward, have no friends, and have sad so this would be kind of big step in itself, but the biggest piece of advice I always keep hearing over and over is to be confident. I can't really fake that so how am supposed be confident when I'm not? I've pretty much dealt with rejection all my life and never had it soothed over by any victories.

[carhill]

First off, don't go to a bar unless you enjoy going to bars. Second, before you ask women out on dates, work on developing healthy friendships with *men*. Then, become comfortable with being 'friendly' with *women*. When one of those 'friendly' encounters causes you to think 'I'd like to know this lady better. There's something more about her', then ask her out on a date. Expect that this will flatter her. Imagine if she asked you out on a date and how you would feel.

 

Remember, work on friendships first. When you get older, you'll thank me. Good luck

 

BTW, I was quite confident when I was your age and women still rejected me routinely. It turned out that what I was selling, at the time, wasn't what they wanted. No harm in that. Life goes on...

[Knittress]

What Carhill said. Check out meetup.com, so you can be social with folks while the activity-centric focus takes some of the pressure off.

 

And if you're really sensitive about your stomach (among other things)... maybe you should consider only taking off your shirt for girls that LIKE you - which is probably not going to be some stranger you're taking home from a bar.

[Green]

I'm about to turn 24, and have never had a girl/woman interested in me before and just the prospect of approaching a girl/dating her/etc etc just terrifies me. Its a combination of I have no idea what to do on top of the fact I'm 24 and by society's standards should be pretty experienced in this area.

 

Dude 24 isn't that old. Have you ever seen the 40 year old virgin? I don't think they will soon make "The 24 year old virgin" because 24 ain't that old.

 

Girls HAVE PROBABLY BEEN INTERESTED IN YOU... THATS A FACT. YOU are not a mind reader, YOU HAVE PROBABLY NEVER ASKED MANY GIRLS OUT... so if some random girls have been attracted to you.. .well you have probably ignored those ques because they can be as small as a glance in your direction, and if you notice the girl looking at you then you go ask them out.

 

I can relate to the fear and awkwardness of asking a girl out. I had never even kissed a girl until the summer I graduated college. 22 years old was when I first got a gf. YOU HAVE TO WANT IT... YOU HAVE TO TAP IN TO YOUR HORNYNESS... YOU KNOW THE TYPE OF HORNYNESS THAT ONLY A REAL LIFE WOMAN CAN SATISFY...the type of HORNYESS THAT ONLY GETS HORNIER WHEN YOU LOOK AT PORN OR WACK OFF... THE TYPE OF HORNYNESS THAT OVERCOMES FEARRR.. IF YOU JACK OFF I RECOMEND YOU STOP AND LET THAT HORNYESS BUILD UP... LET A WOMAN BE ITS ONLY RELEASE.

 

DON"T TELL ME YOU DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO. 1) You go out into the world and do things like shop at the mall get food at the grocery store, walk your dog ect... 2) When you are doing those things OUT IN THE WORLD you keep your eyes open and when you see a girl you find ATTRACTIVE... you know the type of girl that makes you HORNY... you 3) TALK TO HER... say anything really "some weather we've been having" then you listen for a response.. then maybe you say something else "I like the way you walk" obviously try not to make it lame but really saying ANYTHING is better then nothing.... 4) after the small talk/flirting for a few minutes... you ASK THE GIRL OUT before ending the conversation "Lets go get a bite to eat at this great place I know" 5) then whether she says "yes" or "no" you still try to get her NUMBER by just pulling out ur phone and directing her to put her number in... Really any contact info works but phone is best... 6) Finaly when on the date you make sure to KISS the girl before the end of the night.

 

YOU FILL IN THE BLANKS... there is really anything you can do as long as you try. THE MORE YOU ASK QUESTIONS AND PRETEND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO THE MORE YOU MAKE IT OBVIOUSE YOU ARE JUST AFRAID OF REJECTION.

 

REJECTION WILL MOST LIKELY HAPPEN ALOT... BUT ITS GOOD. YOU LEARN FROM REJECTION. IT MEANS YOU HAVE BALLS IF YOU CAN FACE REJECTION. ENJOY THE REJEcTION>

 

 

 

On top of that I have body issues, used to be obese and as a result have scars from surgery and loose skin, and have been told everything from I look fine to I look deformed, so I don't know if it is in my head or not. But the thought of basically taking clothes off in front of someone else, hell someone even touching me around my stomach would be scary. My worst nightmare would be taking my shirt off and having some girl laugh/be disgusted by me, then fearing her telling others about my body would just devastate me and basically erase years of progress.

 

I really want to finally try, and am thinking about going to a bar this week, I am pretty socially awkward, have no friends, and have sad so this would be kind of big step in itself, but the biggest piece of advice I always keep hearing over and over is to be confident. I can't really fake that so how am supposed be confident when I'm not? I've pretty much dealt with rejection all my life and never had it soothed over by any victories.

 

DUDE GIRLS ARE DISGUSTED BY EVERYTHING... YOU CAN't let that stop you. When I wanted my balls sucked just becuase I wanted to know how great it would feel do you think I let the fact that MY BALLS ARE BIG AND HAIRY STOP ME... ASK AND YOU SHALL RECIEVE MY FRIEND....

 

YOur story of losing weight IS INSPIRATIONAL... DON'T FORGET IT... BE PROUD... LEARN TO ENJOY LIFE... .HAVE FUN WITH DATING ... JUST REPROGRAM YOUR MIND AND SAY... I"M GOING TO HAVE FUN WITH DATING AND JUST ASK GIRLS OUt

 

Unless going to a bar seems like a FUN thing to do I DO NOT RECOMEND IT. BARS ARE HARD PLACES TO MEET WOMEN... they are more likely to reject and treat your advances as hostile at a bar then at say the supermarket or park ect...

 

Make friends by joining a kick ball team or basket ball team if that sounds fun. Or TAKE AN ART class. Once you have friends you can throw parties and also be invited to parties and that is a great place to meet women. very laid back.

 

REMEMBER YOU HAVE TO HAVE FUN WITH THIS... AND YOU HAVE... I MEAN MUSTTTTTTTTTTT!!!! ASK WOMEN OUT... JUST DO IT... DOn't wory about the rejection... it will happen lots... ENJOY IT... YOU WON"T REMEMBER THE REJECTION WHEN YOU ARE SNUGLING UP TO YOUR DREAM GIRL... JUST ENJOY THE JOURNEY THAT IS LIFE...

 

KISS THE GIRL ON THE DATE...DON"T LET THE DATE END WITHOUT TRYING TO KISS AND DON"T LET THE CONVERSATION END WIHTOUT ASKING THE GIRL OUT>>> AND DON"T LET SOME PRETTY GIRL YOU SPOT ACROSS THE ROOM LEAVE WITH OUT FLIRTING>>>

[kassy]

Carhill's advise is spot on.

 

I have had a LOT of surgeries after a bad accident 10 years ago (having another one next month, bugger), there's a lot of scars and things... well they have never been a problem to anyone who has really liked me. I've had some pretty interesting comments from other people, but I learnt to just let that go.

 

I know this sounds cliche but when you are comfortable in your own skin it really does make it easier to not take it personally what other people think.

 

I go to swim training and cycle, I find that there is nothing like a few weeks of having to wear not much lycra and realising nobody cares half as much about your body as you do to help improve how comfortable you feel about yourself Might be a bit much for you though

 

Congrats on losing the weight. That is fantastic. Be proud about it, and the scars that come with it, it's a part of who you are

 

So what things do you like, what things would you want to try and what interests you??

[crimsonmike]

First off, don't go to a bar unless you enjoy going to bars. Second, before you ask women out on dates, work on developing healthy friendships with *men*. Then, become comfortable with being 'friendly' with *women*. When one of those 'friendly' encounters causes you to think 'I'd like to know this lady better. There's something more about her', then ask her out on a date. Expect that this will flatter her. Imagine if she asked you out on a date and how you would feel.

 

Remember, work on friendships first. When you get older, you'll thank me. Good luck

 

BTW, I was quite confident when I was your age and women still rejected me routinely. It turned out that what I was selling, at the time, wasn't what they wanted. No harm in that. Life goes on...

 

 

^^^^Best advise you will ever get.

 

You can't fake confidence. You have to develope it. It takes time, but not nearly as much as you might think. There are all kinds of great books about this. Get one. Better yet, get two. Losing a bunch of weight is impressive. You have plenty to be confident about.

 

You are going to get shot down. More often than not most likely. It ain't that big a deal.

[cantstandya]

If I were you I would not go to the bar alone.. I really don't think any good will come from that and it might just set you back a few steps..

 

What are you interested in? What are your hobbies?? You really have to put some effort into getting yourself out of a funk.. Learn a new hobby.. try to do something you've always wanted to try or just do what you like to do, more often..

 

I took up surfing when I was in a rut and before I knew it I was at the beach almost every other day and was just having a blast.. Surfing didnt get me girls by any stretch but by getting out of the house more and not depending on friends to do stuff with me I became a happier person.. When I was around others I appeared more confident and girls pick up on that stuff.. Before I knew it I was meeting girls left and right..

 

Basically my advice is not to worry about the shirt taking off stuff yet.. There's no book to read which will give you confidence.. Do what you love to do and get that confidence up the natural way.. I would stay away from the bars and clubs though for now until you're more comfortable with yourself.. Hope this helps and good luck to you!!

[kahn2154]

I've looked at meetup before and never really found some group around here that interested me. I thought some bar/cafe would be fine because I could just watch world cup game or something and if opportunity to communicate comes up fine, if not then I'll just watch the game. Seems everyone thinks its a bad idea though...

 

I've tried random classes I was interested in but around here they seem to be composed of 35+ year olds.

 

Meh, there are only like 3 or 4 instances in my life that I can remember a girl initiating a conversation and maybe being interested (I'm not very outgoing and a homebody so not many opportunities come up) Only instance of ever hearin ga girl actually like me was in 6th grade two preppy girls ran up to me laughing because they found out this girl who I was good friends with in 3rd grade (before I got extremely obese and was still somewhat ok) found out she had a crush on me and were laughing at the though of someone liking me

 

I just cant initiate conversations and suffer with small talk, its just so awkward for me, I'm trying more and more to force myself but am really hard on myself because I keep messing it up. Once I am speaking on topic I'm fine but the beginning is just terrible.

 

It just feels like I have this chip on my shoulder since I"m a virgin. When I'm around guys I'm scared they'll find out I'm a loser and basically make fun of me for it. Green is acting like its no big deal, it is a big deal in the real world. I'm guessing in HS probably around 50% of people lost their virginity, yet it was like some scarlet letter if you hadn't and you were ridiculed for it, going through college without losing it is just an embarrassment.

[carhill]

It just feels like I have this chip on my shoulder since I"m a virgin. When I'm around guys I'm scared they'll find out I'm a loser and basically make fun of me for it. Green is acting like its no big deal, it is a big deal in the real world. I'm guessing in HS probably around 50% of people lost their virginity, yet it was like some scarlet letter if you hadn't and you were ridiculed for it, going through college without losing it is just an embarrassment.

The importance of putting a d*ck in a vagina is only what you assign to it. I would be a virgin for another 11 years, two houses and a successful business beyond where you are now. Confidence and a wet noodle have nothing to do with one another. You make the *choice* to connect them.

 

Good luck

[USMCHokie]

I went on first date when I was 23. First time was when I was 25. First serious relationship also at 25. Nothing wrong with being a late bloomer...

 

But as much crazy capitalization that Green uses in his posts, he is spot on. You sometimes just have to go out and do something. It's only a big deal to you because you make it a big deal. Instead of going out to the bars and cold approaching women, try social networking...meet friends of friends...and then meet their friends...it's a much more comfortable approach because you're around friends and they can ease you into meeting new women...it's how I've met almost everyone I've dated...

[electricity]

I don't think mid-20s is late; people are different and should live as suits them.

 

Carhill's spot on. Make friends who accept you for who you are. Gain confidence and joie de vivre from that. Then start thinking about relationships. If you're still shy about your body, it's OK to take it slowly. If a lady is really worthy of you, she won't laugh. She'll appreciate all the work you've done to lose the weight, and think you all the stronger for it (women have to deal with weight issues all the time, so she'll understand just how difficult it must've been).

[bac]

IMO typical men of 24 are naive and inexperienced. Sure, they might say that they are experienced to even more naive people than they are. That is great to be positive and take yourself easily.

There should be smth attractive/good about you. Be confident in yourself about those attractive things. Focus on what is good in you.

Of course, you can not be confident about your skills in sex if you are a virgin. You might not be confidant about your physical defects, but you might have other handsome features such as hair, eyes, face, d..k which you can focus on to feel yourself attractive.

[carhill]

FWIW, and I don't know whether it's relevant for the OP, a virgin can be quite experienced with sexual touching, oral, etc without having had intercourse. IOW, the opportunity to develop sexual confidence is there, even for a virgin. Again, a choice. Up to the OP what he chooses and how he chooses to process his feelings.

[cantstandya]

 

Meh, there are only like 3 or 4 instances in my life that I can remember a girl initiating a conversation and maybe being interested (I'm not very outgoing and a homebody so not many opportunities come up)

 

Thats the problem right there.. You gotta get out more.. Getting out of the house and being around other people is a good thing.. Go for a long walk or a hike.. You're not gonna meet someone playing video-games on a friday night.. Sitting around all day just spinning your wheels thinking about how bad you have it isn't helping your situation..

 

I think you also need to stop putting so much emphasis on meeting someone because it sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself..

 

Here's my solution..

 

1) Figure out what makes you happy..

2) do that.. (friends and relationships will follow)

[jack5100nv]

I'm about to turn 24, and have never had a girl/woman interested in me before and just the prospect of approaching a girl/dating her/etc etc just terrifies me. Its a combination of I have no idea what to do on top of the fact I'm 24 and by society's standards should be pretty experienced in this area.

 

On top of that I have body issues, used to be obese and as a result have scars from surgery and loose skin, and have been told everything from I look fine to I look deformed, so I don't know if it is in my head or not. But the thought of basically taking clothes off in front of someone else, hell someone even touching me around my stomach would be scary. My worst nightmare would be taking my shirt off and having some girl laugh/be disgusted by me, then fearing her telling others about my body would just devastate me and basically erase years of progress.

 

I really want to finally try, and am thinking about going to a bar this week, I am pretty socially awkward, have no friends, and have sad so this would be kind of big step in itself, but the biggest piece of advice I always keep hearing over and over is to be confident. I can't really fake that so how am supposed be confident when I'm not? I've pretty much dealt with rejection all my life and never had it soothed over by any victories.

 

Workout, loose the weight, get ripped, be cocky, and a jerk. Basically, don't care about their feelings. You will get all the women in the world. You do not need to spend 4 years in college earning a degree to get a women, that won't get you anywhere.

[Sivok]

If you're socially awkward, a bar scene will eat you alive. Even people with excellent social skills have a very hard time getting girls at bars.

 

Green, you're my hero, and everything he said is completely spot on.

[USMCHokie]

Workout, loose the weight, get ripped,

 

Do these things.

 

 

be cocky, and a jerk. Basically, don't care about their feelings. You will get all the women in the world. You do not need to spend 4 years in college earning a degree to get a women, that won't get you anywhere.

 

Don't do these things. Your awesomeness will speak for itself. You don't need to be cocky. Humbleness and modesty will go a long way...

[kahn2154]

Carhill: I guess I've assigned it as most important thing in my life right now

 

USCM: I have no friends, that is what makes it hard, psych has told me over and over that once I get that one friend it is easy, but the trick part is the first friend

 

I actually lost a bunch of weight and still looked bad, there was nothing under the fat, so I'm trying a bulk right now so getting a bit fatter...

[DanielMadr]

You become confident by doing things that scares you.

 

You should be more careless about other people opinion.

You have some faults (scars are no biggie btw) so what?

They don't like you...too bad..life's going on.

Get fit, get tan and most of all don't care that much. Don't torture yourself.

You were fat, now you are not. Scars are just the reminder to stay fit.

 

You will do fine. 24 is OK to start dating.

[DanielMadr]

5) you still try to get her NUMBER by just pulling out ur phone and directing her to put her number in...

 

I've lost like 6 phones that way. Damn, some girls can run really fast.

[stepka]

Kahn, my ex was a lot like you at your age--he'd been really fat as a child and then lost over 100 lbs and had loose skin and stretch marks and it really bothered him. It bothered him a lot more than it did me in fact. The right woman will see past all that--make yourself look as good as you possibly can and then let it go.

 

Here's what I've finally come to realize--everyone, and I mean everyone, has things about their bods that they don't like. Women are worse about this than men, b/c I see men strutting around on the beach with it all hanging out sometimes and they look a lot worse than my ex ever did. It's a matter of self perception. I don't know how to tell you to get over that, since the ex never did, but he did finally go get a tummy tuck after he left me, lol, and I'm assuming he feels better about himself. Get this in hand though b/c otherwise you're going to start thinking the wt loss wasn't worth it.

 

Your biggest problem though is that you're reserved--I don't care how good-looking someone is--if they can't push past their shyness, it's always going to be difficult to meet people. I should know.