BetterOffWithoutYou Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 i've been thinking over my last relationship, doing the picking apart many of us do after it ends. i still can't figure out why my ex was so mean to me when he broke up with me! it was really out of character for him! instead of being an adult and talking about it maturely, he came up with an idiotic list of things he didn't like about me and the relationship. so many of these things weren't even true! other issues could have easily been worked through. i felt like he was breaking up with an imaginary person bc the things he said weren't me at all. he was extremely cold and said rude things just to add in the extra sting and mess with me. so why the mean break up? had anyone ever done this to someone and can you explain your reasoning for doing so? for those who have had this done to them why do you think your ex couldn't be mature? just wondering....
jellysandwich Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Coping mechanism. He can't shoulder the massive guilt and burden of breaking up with you, so he tries to come up with any reasons possible to lay it onto you. It's completely unconscious. Don't think anything of it.
Author BetterOffWithoutYou Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 It's completely unconscious. Don't think anything of it. this is the hard part! i'm still working on accepting the fact i will never know what was truly the reason he left, no matter how much i examine it! great advice though! i'm sure in time i will stop this madness as it's getting me no where
carhill Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 OP, when things are raw, like a breakup (in my case, divorce) people reveal who they really are. That's good information I think time and focusing on other aspects of life will help you heal. Best wishes
Author BetterOffWithoutYou Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 OP, when things are raw, like a breakup (in my case, divorce) people reveal who they really are. That's good information I think time and focusing on other aspects of life will help you heal. Best wishes thank you! i agree... i do feel like the person my ex showed me when he left is the real him. i was the first girl he tried to treat good but he obviously couldn't keep up the act forever! its sad to say the man i fell in love with doesn't exist but it's true... the hard part is getting my heart to cooperate with my brain
northstar1 Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Some people need to shift all the blame onto their partner during a breakup so they can fully justify it to themselves. Or they are the type that never takes any accountability for their faults and just jump from one relationship to another. Don't take it personally, although I know it's hard. My ex, during our breakup, basically downloaded all the blame for the demise onto my shoulders. Yes, I made mistakes which led to the end of it, but I was williing to admit those, and was working on them. She, however, saw no fault and when I pointed out where we both went wrong, she just refused to acknowledge it. That's on her now, and if she is never able to see her own faults, she's bound to repeat the same patterns over and over. As Carhll said, during the bad times, it shows who your ex truly is. If they blame you for everything and take off, well that is a sign of what is likely to come during the relationship, marriage etc and that is not something that be healthy.
Author BetterOffWithoutYou Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 Some people need to shift all the blame onto their partner during a breakup so they can fully justify it to themselves. Or they are the type that never takes any accountability for their faults I agree with both of these when it comes to my ex! isn't it ironic that when the other person shows their true colors it's at the end? really screws with your head and makes you realize that the person you love doesn't exist i know my ex will make the same mistakes when he moves on to new relationships just like yours. he even admitted that it didn't matter if it was me or someone else, either way he would still have the same things wrong with him. kind of pathetic these people can't even work on themselves to become better people. at least we are better of without them!!!
carhill Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 IMO, they were the same all along; it was only the color of one's love for them which altered the perception. Reflecting on my M and D, it's a pretty accurate assessment, for better or worse, for both of us. None of us is perfect, nor do we love or receive love perfectly. I hope the OP finds her path
Author BetterOffWithoutYou Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 IMO, they were the same all along; it was only the color of one's love for them which altered the perception. Reflecting on my M and D, it's a pretty accurate assessment, for better or worse, for both of us. None of us is perfect, nor do we love or receive love perfectly. I hope the OP finds her path thank you for caring!!! i totally agree with you, the more i reflect the more i see that i blinded myself because i wanted love so badly. he showed the real him many times, but always had the right words to make me believe he was changing and working on his issues. i have learned so much from this heart break and the most important thing is to look at actions and not believe words!!! this is a very difficult time for me but i will find my path as i continue to heal. all of the support from LS is a great comfort!
HappyAgain Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 First, don't let it bother you, it really doesn't matter how they treat you now you are over. But on the flip side, I know exactly how you feel. My xH listed the most silly things after we broke including telling me that he had feared for his life from me - he was scared that I would try to kill him in his sleep. That made me laugh so hard and wonder if he had lost his mind as: 1) I can't even kill a spider much less a person. 2) He's a foot taller than me and male while I'm a small female. 3) Once I fall asleep almost nothing can wake me up. 4) He used to get up after I fell asleep to watch porn/have cybersex relationships on the Internet. Talk about projecting his faults/guilt onto me!!
ADF Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 One of the hard facts of life is that people are often dishonest. You will probably never know the real reasons your BF decided he wanted to end the relationship. He probably preapred that list of faults as a conscious strategy to make the break up as easy as possible on himself. Your feelinsg didn't count. Sadly, many people are like that.
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