tanbark813 Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I personally wouldn't jump through hoops for a woman. It's been my experience that most of them can't stay faithful. And when I'm first getting to know a girl and don't know if she's the cheating type, why would I put in grandiose effort when the odds are stacked against me anyway?
Woggle Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I personally wouldn't jump through hoops for a woman. It's been my experience that most of them can't stay faithful. And when I'm first getting to know a girl and don't know if she's the cheating type, why would I put in grandiose effort when the odds are stacked against me anyway? I fully agree. Why would I bend over backwards for a woman who will probably betray me in the end anyway? Also women with a history of dating jerks tend to treat the first decent guy they get involved with like dirt.
TaurusTerp Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Do you want a high quality man? And you believe that there are not that many of them out there, right? So why would a high quality man want to be with you if he can be with someone who doesn't treat him like crap? All the other women want him too.
climbergirl Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 No one should have to jump through hoops to prove themselves to anyone...unless they have done something pretty sh*tty. I'd eventually feel unappreciated and uninterested if some guy did this to me, so why do that to him? Too many take each other for granted anyway---it would suck to start out a relationship on that note.
Dragon1 Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 No one should have to jump through hoops to prove themselves to anyone...unless they have done something pretty sh*tty. I'd eventually feel unappreciated and uninterested if some guy did this to me, so why do that to him? Too many take each other for granted anyway---it would suck to start out a relationship on that note. It depends what the hoops are. If these hoops are keeping committments and being honest and making him wait a reasonable amount of time for sex they are good hoops which will keep the scum men away. If they are guessing the right response to her game playing, the man should run. The scum men are more likely than the good men to make it through game playing hoops. The OP should be specific on what kind of hoops she will put men through so we can give her input.
climbergirl Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 It depends what the hoops are. If these hoops are keeping committments and being honest and making him wait a reasonable amount of time for sex they are good hoops which will keep the scum men away. If they are guessing the right response to her game playing, the man should run. The scum men are more likely than the good men to make it through game playing hoops. The OP should be specific on what kind of hoops she will put men through so we can give her input. See, I wouldn't define the above as 'hoops', but as a given and any person who isn't able to do so is a waste of time anyway. And, IME, 'reasonable amount of time' is too subjective. I'm all for waiting, but it's because I would feel uncomfortable with too much too soon-has nothing to do with him. I agree, Dragon, we need more specifics from OP.
xRJ85x Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 It depends what the hoops are. If these hoops are keeping committments and being honest and making him wait a reasonable amount of time for sex they are good hoops which will keep the scum men away. If they are guessing the right response to her game playing, the man should run. The scum men are more likely than the good men to make it through game playing hoops. The OP should be specific on what kind of hoops she will put men through so we can give her input. Yea...that's not making people jump through hoops. If that is, then apparently I'm making women jump through hoops.
DanielMadr Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I have a bitter memory of an ex that once told me when we were breaking up so he could move to Puerto Rico, of all places, to make the next guy earn it. I guess I didn't make that one earn it or he wouldn't have been advising me on how to better keep a guy around. lol Fast forward to today, where I make men jump through hoops to get to me. I make them wait longer than is reasonable. I am not terribly consistent or that "good girl" that got me mistreated before. Not that I'm super inconsistent. I just don't try as hard to be good anymore. If a situation doesn't seem like it offers what I'm looking for, I don't bend myself to it. I move on. And then a friend of mine who is a fairly old school Jamaican guy told me after my last failed attempt at romance "Make them flaming hoops next time." I told him I want to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He said "Do less of that. If he's crazy about you he'll prove himself." His logic is that no one makes a guy prove himself anymore, and the relationships go nowhere. I see my good friend go through this over and over again. Granted, she doesn't even attempt to weed them out in a desperate act to get a boyfriend. But my Jamaican friend is right. If a guy leaves too soon because things are too much work, he'll surely leave later when there's a hint of a problem. Do I want to bust a guys balls unnecessarily? Not really. But do I want to go through relationship after relationship waiting for a guy to show his true colors? I'd rather just find out from the beginning. To base your game on your ex advice is not very smart. Jamaican teacher...are you kiddin'? However I know what you mean. And I do agree with you to a point. But I have a warning for you. Don't forget the CARROT. And remember that guys with options don't go through flaming loops for a girl they barely know and which seems to do more ego protecting game than loving. Too much loops = possible issues = red flag The naive good girl and mean b!tch have one important thing in common...too much FEAR. One is not assertive enough because of it and the second is too assertive because of it.
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 A really good man who thinks you're of value will be in the state of mind to "earn it" without being made to "jump through hoops," flaming or not. Don't accept being treated in a way that is not acceptable to you. That's all.
DanielMadr Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 No one should have to jump through hoops to prove themselves to anyone...unless they have done something pretty sh*tty. I'd eventually feel unappreciated and uninterested if some guy did this to me, so why do that to him? Too many take each other for granted anyway---it would suck to start out a relationship on that note. Exactly. Too much power struggle games in dating world. Actually any power struggle is bad. Having control is safe but so unnatural...it comes from fear. If someone is afraid of bruising their ego, he/she should stay at home.
Don'tWannabeAWannabe Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I have a bitter memory of an ex that once told me when we were breaking up so he could move to Puerto Rico, of all places, to make the next guy earn it. I guess I didn't make that one earn it or he wouldn't have been advising me on how to better keep a guy around. lol Fast forward to today, where I make men jump through hoops to get to me. I make them wait longer than is reasonable. I am not terribly consistent or that "good girl" that got me mistreated before. Not that I'm super inconsistent. I just don't try as hard to be good anymore. If a situation doesn't seem like it offers what I'm looking for, I don't bend myself to it. I move on. And then a friend of mine who is a fairly old school Jamaican guy told me after my last failed attempt at romance "Make them flaming hoops next time." I told him I want to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He said "Do less of that. If he's crazy about you he'll prove himself." His logic is that no one makes a guy prove himself anymore, and the relationships go nowhere. I see my good friend go through this over and over again. Granted, she doesn't even attempt to weed them out in a desperate act to get a boyfriend. But my Jamaican friend is right. If a guy leaves too soon because things are too much work, he'll surely leave later when there's a hint of a problem. Do I want to bust a guys balls unnecessarily? Not really. But do I want to go through relationship after relationship waiting for a guy to show his true colors? I'd rather just find out from the beginning.] You know what the funny thing is? One day, you're going to find the love of your life. EXCEPT, he's NOT going to jump through your hoops. He's going to make you jump through his.
DanielMadr Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 A really good man who thinks you're of value will be in the state of mind to "earn it" without being made to "jump through hoops," flaming or not. No. A good man of value will not. He has its own value and you making him jump through hoops makes his mindset go "what a f@k?" How would you feel if a man made you jump through hoops? Basically you are doing him what you don't want yourself to be done to you. You don't want to be manipulated but you manipulate yourself. Reality check> Men get the girl when they actually don't jump through her loops. Because it signals, they have their value. GUYS, DON'T JUMP THROUGH ANY LOOPS. DON'T BE PUSSIES.
DanielMadr Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 ] You know what the funny thing is? One day, you're going to find the love of your life. EXCEPT, he's NOT going to jump through your hoops. He's going to make you jump through his. You nailed it. My words. However it will take her much longer to find one. Many guys won't jump but also strike her out as high maintenance. A Loop = 5 points down on his Interest Level scale out of 10.
xRJ85x Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 GUYS, DON'T JUMP THROUGH ANY LOOPS. DON'T BE PUSSIES. /thread
Fuzzy Dunlop Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 You're imposing an unnatural set of restrictions on what is supposed to be a natural, growing human relationship. Okay, maybe not relationship yet but it's all part of a very careful mating dance, and the flaming hoops system you want to impose on that is nothing but a shortcut. Shortcuts never work. Sure, you might find a guy that waits; he might wait past the time he wants to have sex; he might wait past the time he thinks you want to have sex. So when you finally have sex, he's already got this resentment built up because his feelings are not reciprocated through your denial of yours and his emotions, leaving him confused. But my Jamaican friend is right. If a guy leaves too soon because things are too much work, he'll surely leave later when there's a hint of a problem.. Where do you get this? Things at the beginning of a relationship should be simple. If it starts off difficult, most people would think, "If it's hard now, it will probably only get worse later." Just because someone bails at the beginning when they're facing all those flaming hoops, doesn't mean they'll bail later if you were in a relationship because relationships are built on an emotional investment. You're not that emotionally invested in a person in the beginning, and you're certainly not in love. There is certainly interest and attraction but your method seems to be unnaturally withholding of one or both of those. You can wait to weed out the "players" and whatnot, but the amount of time should be reasonable and the physicality should be progressing.
electricity Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 If a guy leaves too soon because things are too much work, he'll surely leave later when there's a hint of a problem. If the relationship is going to be so hard for him from the beginning when it's supposed to be good, why incentive does he have to stay around for the hard times? This doesn't make sense to me. Obviously don't go out of your way to make the relationship easy for him, but don't make it unnaturally hard, either. What's wrong with just being yourself and letting the relationship progress organically, without all the games?
Author daphne Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 Roger and out. There's no magic in a vagina. Hope the OP finds that extra special super duper guy she's looking for. If by that you mean a man who won't lie to me or blow smoke up my ass then I hope so too.
Author daphne Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 I'm very happenis for you Seriously, I've run into my share of 'make him earn it' women in my lifetime and they generally fulfill their destiny which doesn't include this sincere and loving man. One path of many Sounds like you have your own bias. But this is my bitter bias. Get your own thread.
Author daphne Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 Yeah, if they're crappy men in general. That's just how it is sometimes. And I'm also curious as to how the guy is supposed to "earn it" for you? Consistency, honesty, and just be a low drama nice dude. I'm not really asking all tht much.
Author daphne Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 If "earn" means throw out the men who behave like losers quickly so you can go on to the next man, you will end up with a good man. If "earn" means the whole game playing thing, the good men will run and you will be lucky to find anyone. The first one. But to be honest, since the xrj guy said I'm conceited, I'll just prove him right and say that I'll still find someone regardless. I guess I was just hoping to find one that isn't a liar, a shady ass or a guy tht turns things around on me when I am a good person.
Author daphne Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 I think that the OP means that she wants to play games, not simply discard the losers. Well, you're wrong. I don't have time in my schedule to mess with people and ruin my karma. You don't even know what you're talking about. Funny how people with biases will read what they want into anything.
Author daphne Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 daphne, what worked for me is to be myself, which includes both good and bad behaviours. If someone can't appreciate me "as is", oh well, the right man will and most definitely, my most compatible husband did! Historically, you tried to be someone good. Now you're trying to be someone bad and are considering even worse. In all cases, you're not being true to yourself or to the men you're getting involved with. If I didn't have more reading to do I'd go back to my post and try to figure out where people are reading that I want to be bad?? oy vay
Author daphne Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 I personally wouldn't jump through hoops for a woman. It's been my experience that most of them can't stay faithful. And when I'm first getting to know a girl and don't know if she's the cheating type, why would I put in grandiose effort when the odds are stacked against me anyway? I'm sorry you were cheated on Tanbark. I feel your pain. But I've never cheated on a man in my life. I think the biggest part of making a man jump through hoops is taking it as slowly as possible to get to know that he's really in it for the right reasons. Most guys really don't like that tho.
Author daphne Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 Do you want a high quality man? And you believe that there are not that many of them out there, right? So why would a high quality man want to be with you if he can be with someone who doesn't treat him like crap? All the other women want him too. I don't treat men like crap. But I won't take it either.
Pyro Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I'm sorry you were cheated on Tanbark. I feel your pain. But I've never cheated on a man in my life. I think the biggest part of making a man jump through hoops is taking it as slowly as possible to get to know that he's really in it for the right reasons. Most guys really don't like that tho. Perhaps jumping through hoops isn't the right phrase to use. Many people are taking it the wrong way.
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