HappyAtLast Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Four carats? Kudos to you, my friend. She was a four carat kind of woman. Still is, nearly forty years later
NoIDidn't Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I hate to say it, but my H used this line with his OW when he was in his EA - or something to this effect (I read the few emails he had on his home personal account). He told her he wished he'd met her before he met me. I believe that he meant it. I don't think he was stroking her ego, per se. But I do believe it basically said to her that he didn't think that he could leave and was asking her could she accept the situation as it was. I was told this line a couple of times as well. It always made me angry. I've always taken it to mean "I really like you, but I can't do anything about it". The ultimate in cowardice. This was around the time that I would leave the R with the guy cheating on his girl.
2sunny Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 It is disrespectful for a married man to discuss marriage with his affair partner. I did not mention marriage to my affair partner until I had signed divorce papers and a four carat diamond ring in hand. I meant it. and THIS is exactly what it looks like when a man is willing to go to any length to be with a woman he loves... even if he's not stating what he's going to do - he's DOING what he needs to do to make it happen.
Snowflower Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I hate to say it, but my H used this line with his OW when he was in his EA - or something to this effect (I read the few emails he had on his home personal account). He told her he wished he'd met her before he met me. I believe that he meant it. I don't think he was stroking her ego, per se. But I do believe it basically said to her that he didn't think that he could leave and was asking her could she accept the situation as it was. I bet that was a difficult thing to read... How strong you are to have moved past all that.
Author bobalou Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 Given his disclaimer at the outset, IMO he's reaching a bit deep into the toolbox at this early stage. After all, it's only been five months. That he has tickled the M card to strum the heartstrings tells me he's practiced; probably, like yourself, repeatedly with other OW's. Since he's not going anywhere, why not end your involvement now, detach emotionally and then, once back to your usual perspective on non-attachment, start up again? He'll go to one of his other OW's in the interim, but I'm sure he'll make room for you once you're ready. Hope it works out you are probably right. i think that is the best thing for me to do. NC for awhile and get detached!
hopesndreams Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Ok, heres the story. I have been involved with MM for 5 months now. he told me from the get go that he would never leave his wife and i accepted that. I was not interested in a committed relationship and theres a 10 year age difference( im 28, hes 38). i have been involved with MM before, im not the type to get attached..... but now i am in way over my head. after 3 months, we are in love. he tells me every chance he gets. ive never felt like this before. we havent talked about his wife in awhile, i dont want to hear about her as much as she probably doesnt want to hear about me. the other day he said something to me that shocked me and i dont know how to take it and im hoping the good people here can help me out. out of nowhere he says to me " if i wasnt married, i would marry you. would you marry me" WTF i didnt say anything, i didnt know what to say! and now ive been trying to figure out why he would say this, if its some kind of test or what. ive tryed to talk to some of my gfs about it and they dont know what to think but they have also not been involved with MMs before. maybe someone here can help me diagnois this sentence lol. please help!!!!!!! Sounds like a lame azz soap opera.
hopesndreams Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I was married, i got married at 21, divorced at 23. I dated MM cause of my fear of commitment. I think your right, its just feeding his ego And you feeding yours.
KATANYA Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Why not fire back your own little mind game let him do some thinking!!! If it were me (and it was) my response would be something like this: "Why would I marry you when I have everything I want with you right now?" or "Why would we ruin a great thing by doing something like that?" Maybe you dont really feel that way but why let him know that and why waste any time putting thought into his question when you know it wont happen and is just foolish ego talk..... this is one chance you have to reverse the tables and let him do some thinking:rolleyes: You may be the OW but you can still be in control of some things.
silverplanets Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Why not fire back your own little mind game let him do some thinking!!! If it were me (and it was) my response would be something like this: "Why would I marry you when I have everything I want with you right now?" or "Why would we ruin a great thing by doing something like that?" Maybe you dont really feel that way but why let him know that and why waste any time putting thought into his question when you know it wont happen and is just foolish ego talk..... this is one chance you have to reverse the tables and let him do some thinking:rolleyes: You may be the OW but you can still be in control of some things. interesting thought ,.. on same lines, pick him up tomorrow and be all lovey dovey with him and then take him to a ring shop .... innocently pretending that you believe he has asked you to marry him ... and whlist there also let him know that you've invited your parents down to meet him and want to arrange a joint meeting with a lawyer to undertstand what is the right way to proceed ... Just make sure you bring a camera to send us a pic of his face as he tries to backtrack !!! Dare you .... :)
Author bobalou Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 interesting thought ,.. on same lines, pick him up tomorrow and be all lovey dovey with him and then take him to a ring shop .... innocently pretending that you believe he has asked you to marry him ... and whlist there also let him know that you've invited your parents down to meet him and want to arrange a joint meeting with a lawyer to undertstand what is the right way to proceed ... Just make sure you bring a camera to send us a pic of his face as he tries to backtrack !!! Dare you .... :) LMFAO!!!!! that is a GREAT idea!!! ooooooh, i want to do that lol
whichwayisup Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 NC for awhile and get detached! Yes. Take time for you. Be with good friends, put yourself first and have FUN. Forget the MM for a while and focus on detaching. Cry when you need to, then pick yourself up, and do your best to enjoy your day/evening. Then do that the next day..And the day after.
MizzBlue72 Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 OK - I think this is a line of BS. He knows he has you. You should say you like things the way you are. If you are afraid of commitment right now - it is OK. It's much better to understand that you are afraid than rush into things. I know where you come from .... STDMM is 12 yrs older than me. I really understand the fear of commitment too. Start doing more in your life with your GFs. Go out. The more you think of the 'what ifs' the more your heart will hurt. and if you learn the secret to 'fear of commitment' will you share that with us??? PLEASE??? Good luck honey. Just remember - you have the most control. Always remember that. You dictate where this goes from here ....
OWoman Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 It is disrespectful for a married man to discuss marriage with his affair partner. I did not mention marriage to my affair partner until I had signed divorce papers and a four carat diamond ring in hand. I meant it. HAL, I don't get the disrespect part. Sure, if he has no intention of D'ing, that can be disrespectful - but if the ultimate plan is to M, and they're needing to move towards that and plan - why would it be an issue? My H and I discussed M a long time before the D was final (given that it took a full year from submitting the paperwork to getting the mail from the lawyer saying it was through - but even before he'd started the D) because we'd decided we wanted to be together, and had to look at different options. He knew my views on M; plus, given his history, there was every reason for him to be wary of M! So we had to discuss whether that was an option or not - whether to scrap that as a possibility and work towards other ways, or how best to go about things, as it would definitely impact on our plans to be together. He meant it no less just because he still had the M to get rid of - just like he meant the promise behind the ring he gave me, which I still wear next to my wedding ring. There was no disrespect in any of that TOWARDS ME; if there was any disrespect at all, it was towards the remains of his M that he was treating as if it was already tidied out of the way (because, in his heart, it had).
NoIDidn't Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 HAL, I don't get the disrespect part. Sure, if he has no intention of D'ing, that can be disrespectful - but if the ultimate plan is to M, and they're needing to move towards that and plan - why would it be an issue? Not HAL, but this is my stance on it. Its an issue because the state of the marriage is no one else's business but the two people in it. Whether the MP plans to divorce the spouse or not, its not the business of the OP to know the intimate details of the marriage. Speaking poorly of a romantic interest while cheating on them is the equivalent of kissing and telling, IMO. Bad form. Low class. Disrespectful.
jj33 Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 At best he is thinking out loud saying what he is thinking at a given moment with no regard for how it might impact you or intending it to mean anything with regard to the future. Its all too easy to fantasize, if I were 5 I would start ballet lessons all over again with a vengeance and become a ballerina. If I were 30 and you were 20 I would marry you... The thing is he is married. Hes not getting divorced... alot of people speak without thinking about the impact their words will have on others.
NoIDidn't Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 At best he is thinking out loud saying what he is thinking at a given moment with no regard for how it might impact you or intending it to mean anything with regard to the future. Its all too easy to fantasize, if I were 5 I would start ballet lessons all over again with a vengeance and become a ballerina. If I were 30 and you were 20 I would marry you... The thing is he is married. Hes not getting divorced... alot of people speak without thinking about the impact their words will have on others. Yep. This is what I feel about it. But I don't consider there to be an impact when the one receiving the message is under no delusions to the facts and isn't chasing a carrot. Or, I should say the impact for me is that the R ended because I perceived it to be foolish to say it and do nothing about it. Tthe way its coached: "IF" I weren't already married - as in, I'm already married and its pretty obvious that you've accepted that fact - I'd <insert qualifier here as they will likely backtrack when its brought up again - consider/might/like to> marry you. I just shook my head when I read it. Its dreaming out loud, not planning out loud.
MorningCoffee Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Its dreaming out loud From my own experience and what I have learned on LS, affairs have a LOT of "dreaming out loud". Wiser now. [sigh]
NoIDidn't Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 From my own experience and what I have learned on LS, affairs have a LOT of "dreaming out loud". Wiser now. [sigh] (((MorningCoffee)))
HappyAtLast Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 I can only speak for myself, but I felt that I would be disrespecting my affair partner by discussing something with her that I was in no position to give her, marriage, as I was not free to give that. I saw no point in discussing it until I could approach her, free and clear so as to not taint the subject of marrying me with the fact that I was already married to another.
NoIDidn't Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 I can only speak for myself, but I felt that I would be disrespecting my affair partner by discussing something with her that I was in no position to give her, marriage, as I was not free to give that. I saw no point in discussing it until I could approach her, free and clear so as to not taint the subject of marrying me with the fact that I was already married to another. True, too, because doing so comes across like holding out a carrot, an enticement to hang in there for a promise you really weren't able to make. Interesting reading here after a MP has said something like in the OP/Title, how when the A ends without a D happening, many an OP feels like a "promise" was "broken".
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