bobalou Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Ok, heres the story. I have been involved with MM for 5 months now. he told me from the get go that he would never leave his wife and i accepted that. I was not interested in a committed relationship and theres a 10 year age difference( im 28, hes 38). i have been involved with MM before, im not the type to get attached..... but now i am in way over my head. after 3 months, we are in love. he tells me every chance he gets. ive never felt like this before. we havent talked about his wife in awhile, i dont want to hear about her as much as she probably doesnt want to hear about me. the other day he said something to me that shocked me and i dont know how to take it and im hoping the good people here can help me out. out of nowhere he says to me " if i wasnt married, i would marry you. would you marry me" WTF i didnt say anything, i didnt know what to say! and now ive been trying to figure out why he would say this, if its some kind of test or what. ive tryed to talk to some of my gfs about it and they dont know what to think but they have also not been involved with MMs before. maybe someone here can help me diagnois this sentence lol. please help!!!!!!!
jthorne Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 That's one of the stupidest most cowardly things I've ever hear a MM say. How insulting. It's like "Id choose you if I hadn't chosen someone else already. So since you're second choice, accept what you are.". It's the same ol "if only I wasn't already married" bullspit. Or "why didn't I meet you first" crap. It's just crap to justify his cheating and to keep you accepting the crumbs he has to throw you. If he wanted to be with you he would. He doesn't. At least not bad enough to leave his wife and the life he's created with her. He told you he'd never leave her. Just because feelings have developed, it doesn't change that. So if you're happy being the OW and knowing you are second choice, fine. Be happy. But don't expect anything to change.
fooled once Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 That's one of the stupidest most cowardly things I've ever hear a MM say. How insulting. It's like "Id choose you if I hadn't chosen someone else already. So since you're second choice, accept what you are.". It's the same ol "if only I wasn't already married" bullspit. Or "why didn't I meet you first" crap. It's just crap to justify his cheating and to keep you accepting the crumbs he has to throw you. If he wanted to be with you he would. He doesn't. At least not bad enough to leave his wife and the life he's created with her. He told you he'd never leave her. Just because feelings have developed, it doesn't change that. So if you're happy being the OW and knowing you are second choice, fine. Be happy. But don't expect anything to change. Totally agree. And why do you think his wife knows about you??? e havent talked about his wife in awhile, i dont want to hear about her as much as she probably doesnt want to hear about me.
jennie-jennie Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 He has these emotions for you, that he would like to marry you, but he can't act on them, because he is married and does not want to end his marriage. Yet he wonders if you feel the same, if you would marry him, if you want to marry him. He is wondering about your emotions for him, if they are as strong as his. That is my interpretation.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 There isn't much to interpret - he is infatuated with you, he is deep into the "in love" part of the relationship, and he is saying what he is feeling in his heart at the moment - that he wants to make sure you aren't going to go anywhere so he is offering you a consolation prize since he can't give you the real deal and he is hoping that it will be good enough that he can "feel" like he wants to be married to you even when he can't offer you marriage.
2sunny Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 it's a total ego feed for him - and designed to do nothing but cause you pain and heartache - at the same time as leading you to believe his emotions are there when he's not actually available to you. i think it's the epitome of selfish.
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 " if i wasnt married, i would marry you. would you marry me" He was just letting you know that if he wasn't married, you two would be married. Don't read it into that, it is what it is. Atleast that's my take on it. HE has no intention of following through on it so saying it just feeds egos, feelings and leads you down the affair path deeper. This 4 month affair is going to end in your heart breaking since he isn't leaving his wife. Can I ask? You say you've had other MM. Why? Don't you want to fall inlove, get married, start a life with someone of your own? Someone who can offer you everything instead of just bits and pieces?
bentnotbroken Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Interpretation...as much respect as anybody who is disrespectful can muster.
Author bobalou Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 He was just letting you know that if he wasn't married, you two would be married. Don't read it into that, it is what it is. Atleast that's my take on it. HE has no intention of following through on it so saying it just feeds egos, feelings and leads you down the affair path deeper. This 4 month affair is going to end in your heart breaking since he isn't leaving his wife. Can I ask? You say you've had other MM. Why? Don't you want to fall inlove, get married, start a life with someone of your own? Someone who can offer you everything instead of just bits and pieces? I was married, i got married at 21, divorced at 23. I dated MM cause of my fear of commitment. I think your right, its just feeding his ego
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Get some help to rid of your fear of committment. Dating MM isn't the way to go.. Obviously you know this and are hurting. So, what happens now? Do you want this guy to leave his wife and marry you? Do you feel him telling you what he did, gives you hope? If there is ANY hope, get rid of it. Believe him when he tells you he is never leaving his wife. This guy is a cake eater and selfish. He has two women to meet his needs, you for fun, excitement, all the things he used to feel intensly about his wife, years ago but have faded and settled down. Why would he want to give one of you up? He's content having this lifestyle for as long as you want to be the OW.
bittersweet memories Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Ok, heres the story. I have been involved with MM for 5 months now. he told me from the get go that he would never leave his wife and i accepted that. I was not interested in a committed relationship and theres a 10 year age difference( im 28, hes 38). i have been involved with MM before, im not the type to get attached..... but now i am in way over my head. after 3 months, we are in love. he tells me every chance he gets. ive never felt like this before. we havent talked about his wife in awhile, i dont want to hear about her as much as she probably doesnt want to hear about me. the other day he said something to me that shocked me and i dont know how to take it and im hoping the good people here can help me out. out of nowhere he says to me " if i wasnt married, i would marry you. would you marry me" WTF i didnt say anything, i didnt know what to say! and now ive been trying to figure out why he would say this, if its some kind of test or what. ive tryed to talk to some of my gfs about it and they dont know what to think but they have also not been involved with MMs before. maybe someone here can help me diagnois this sentence lol. please help!!!!!!! Obviously he is feeding you what "he" thinks you want to hear.....awwe......:sick:
Author bobalou Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 thanks people! this has helped alot. its good to have other peoples opinion. i just hope he doesnt leave his wife i cause i have no intention of ever getting married again if thats the angle hes going for, but he knows that. just threw me off that he would even say that cause he knows i dont even want to marry again. i think hes just fishing for a reaction
jthorne Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 thanks people! this has helped alot. its good to have other peoples opinion. i just hope he doesnt leave his wife i cause i have no intention of ever getting married again if thats the angle hes going for, but he knows that. just threw me off that he would even say that cause he knows i dont even want to marry again. i think hes just fishing for a reactionWhat makes you think he would leave his wife? He's already said he has no intention of doing so.
GreenEyedLady Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 No way he's in love at 5 months. He's in intense lust. He's telling you what he thinks you want to hear because he wants to keep you right where you're at. He wants you to think he'd marry you if he could but he just can't. GEL
MorningCoffee Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 He has these emotions for you, that he would like to marry you, but he can't act on them, because he is married and does not want to end his marriage. Yet he wonders if you feel the same, if you would marry him, if you want to marry him. He is wondering about your emotions for him, if they are as strong as his. That is my interpretation. Yes, but the emotion and the wondering are all in fantasy-land, and not about actually making the marriage commitment real. So IMHO it's just a safe way to twang his lover's heartstrings.
Mombot Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 My separated man often mentions... We are better than married, he'll put a ring on my finger, blah blah blah... I just enjoy his company for what it is and don't get too invested in the emotional exclamation points.
bittersweet memories Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 thanks people! this has helped alot. its good to have other peoples opinion. i just hope he doesnt leave his wife i cause i have no intention of ever getting married again if thats the angle hes going for, but he knows that. just threw me off that he would even say that cause he knows i dont even want to marry again. i think hes just fishing for a reaction Sorry but it's really silly to think he would leave his wife for you that he's only known for a few months... MM especially will say anything to keep you there and making sure you are not going anywhere.. he's loves having his cake and eating it too. He want to make sure you are not going anywhere..
jthorne Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Was it a test? Yeah, probably. It was probably a test to see if you'd be gullible enough to fall for it.
StoptheDrama Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 That's one of the stupidest most cowardly things I've ever hear a MM say. How insulting. It's like "Id choose you if I hadn't chosen someone else already. So since you're second choice, accept what you are.". It's the same ol "if only I wasn't already married" bullspit. Or "why didn't I meet you first" crap. It's just crap to justify his cheating and to keep you accepting the crumbs he has to throw you. If he wanted to be with you he would. He doesn't. At least not bad enough to leave his wife and the life he's created with her. He told you he'd never leave her. Just because feelings have developed, it doesn't change that. So if you're happy being the OW and knowing you are second choice, fine. Be happy. But don't expect anything to change. Great post, Jthorne! It's no different than the 'if only we'd met 10 years ago'.... that my xMM used to utter :sick: Bobalou - lines like this are designed to do one thing, hook you and keep you there despite all of the crap that (probably) will come your way
silverplanets Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Yes, but the emotion and the wondering are all in fantasy-land, and not about actually making the marriage commitment real. So IMHO it's just a safe way to twang his lover's heartstrings. Great post MC, spot on. A single guy would think hard about saying something like this because they would know it was upping the stakes ... the MM here doesn't have to think through any consequences to his words since he has no intent. The next stage will be to talk about having children etc etc. It is all castles in the sky though - he is married, not started any divorce or pre-divorce actions and has no right attempting to build a false future with someone else. Years ago my xMW looked me in the eye and told me that I was the man she wanted to be the father of her children ... even though I knew it was a promise she couldn't keep it did have an effect on me and with each similar statement I kinda brought in to the fantasy ... 6 months later she decided to go and make babies with her husband It's all pointless fantasy from them, and if the single person starts believnig in it then a big shock is no the way. The answer is of course, not to get involved with a MP :)
torranceshipman Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Ok, heres the story. I have been involved with MM for 5 months now. he told me from the get go that he would never leave his wife and i accepted that. I was not interested in a committed relationship and theres a 10 year age difference( im 28, hes 38). i have been involved with MM before, im not the type to get attached..... but now i am in way over my head. after 3 months, we are in love. he tells me every chance he gets. ive never felt like this before. we havent talked about his wife in awhile, i dont want to hear about her as much as she probably doesnt want to hear about me. the other day he said something to me that shocked me and i dont know how to take it and im hoping the good people here can help me out. out of nowhere he says to me " if i wasnt married, i would marry you. would you marry me" WTF i didnt say anything, i didnt know what to say! and now ive been trying to figure out why he would say this, if its some kind of test or what. ive tryed to talk to some of my gfs about it and they dont know what to think but they have also not been involved with MMs before. maybe someone here can help me diagnois this sentence lol. please help!!!!!!! Oh jeez, come on. He has told you he won't leave his W and thinks you are ok with that. He is just doing some dumb play acting that requires you to stroke his ego more, by saying oh yes, you are so wonderful sure I would. And he doesn't love you, he just says that stuff because he is living in his silly little fantasy world. If he loved you, the sentence wouldn't have had 'if I wasn't married already' before the 'would you marry me' part. Your girlfriends are trying to be tactful - he is humiliating you in front of your friends by leading you to ask stuff like this. Are you very young? Please don't believe the crap that is coming out of his mouth as he will never leave his W and seems pretty into the ego stroking - cake eater (the type to also throw you under a bus so watch out!).
MorningCoffee Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Great post MC, spot on. A single guy would think hard about saying something like this because they would know it was upping the stakes ... the MM here doesn't have to think through any consequences to his words since he has no intent. The next stage will be to talk about having children etc etc. It is all castles in the sky though - he is married, not started any divorce or pre-divorce actions and has no right attempting to build a false future with someone else. Years ago my xMW looked me in the eye and told me that I was the man she wanted to be the father of her children ... even though I knew it was a promise she couldn't keep it did have an effect on me and with each similar statement I kinda brought in to the fantasy ... 6 months later she decided to go and make babies with her husband It's all pointless fantasy from them, and if the single person starts believnig in it then a big shock is no the way. The answer is of course, not to get involved with a MP :) Thanks for your post. Your description of your xMW's comment reminded me of my xMW showing me the results of her internet search to answer the question she was contemplating . . . "if [MorningCoffee] and I were to live together, what would our house look like?" and then go searching. As if she was ever going to be available to me. . . but I bought into it, too. Now, it's easy to see in hindsight what a lot of fantasy arises in and fuels a love affair.
HappyAtLast Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 It is disrespectful for a married man to discuss marriage with his affair partner. I did not mention marriage to my affair partner until I had signed divorce papers and a four carat diamond ring in hand. I meant it.
jthorne Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 It is disrespectful for a married man to discuss marriage with his affair partner. I did not mention marriage to my affair partner until I had signed divorce papers and a four carat diamond ring in hand. I meant it.Four carats? Kudos to you, my friend.
carhill Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Given his disclaimer at the outset, IMO he's reaching a bit deep into the toolbox at this early stage. After all, it's only been five months. That he has tickled the M card to strum the heartstrings tells me he's practiced; probably, like yourself, repeatedly with other OW's. Since he's not going anywhere, why not end your involvement now, detach emotionally and then, once back to your usual perspective on non-attachment, start up again? He'll go to one of his other OW's in the interim, but I'm sure he'll make room for you once you're ready. Hope it works out
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