likestolaugh Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Hi guys, My gf and I will be moving in together in a couple months (into a new apt... not me moving with her or vice versa) Neither one of us has ever lived with an SO before... for those of you who have, what are ways that you still keep your independence? Everybody needs to have time to themselves and do what they want, and I'd like tips or advice on how to go about this. Also, how did you guys handle finances? Was absolutely everything split down the middle? If there's anything else you want to add, I'd be happy to know! thanks!
jthorne Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 If you do things on your own now, keep doing that. One of the things I regret most about living with someone was that we gave up that stuff. I don't really know why. He used to play baseball, I used to go to kickboxing classes. We both dropped those things and shouldn't have. We each paid certain bills, but it was pretty even. We each paid half of the rent. One secret to a happy co-habitation: seperate bathrooms. No joke.
Author likestolaugh Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 One secret to a happy co-habitation: seperate bathrooms. No joke. haha, but we only have one bathroom. Ah well:cool:
Krytie TV Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Even if you guys decide to share a room, have a room designated for each person for times when it's needed. I think it's good to basically split expenses unless there is a great divide in income, then I think you should do a completely proportionate split based on your % of total couple income.
Author likestolaugh Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 I should clarify that it's a 1 bedroom apartment. We aren't rich (yet, haha)... so really, there won't be a lot of spare rooms....
amerikajin Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I've lived with two women. One worked out not so well, and the other has worked out pretty well whenever we're together (currently long distance due to a job I took last year). Basically, having two bathrooms and an extra room...that's not really an issue. If the woman is right, she will let you have your time and you can go wherever you want. On the other hand, if there's insecurity, then you can have two or three extra rooms and it'll be nothing more than just extra space. The first live-in partner I had was very demanding of my time. It's like she had separation anxiety, and she couldn't stand being left alone. I think a lot of it was a combination of insecurity and ego. Part of her was uncomfortable being alone, and another part of it was that she felt like she was too hot to be "ignored." She would say things like "I could get other guys, you know." I ended up giving her that opportunity. The partner I have now is perfect. She lets me come and go as I please.
reservoirdog1 Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 (edited) Have a very frank talk about your expectations in that regard, IN ADVANCE. Like, now. Way before you move in together. I can't express that strongly enough. If there are regular weekly activities (or annual things) you participate in that are important to you and that you want to keep doing once you two are living together, you should set these out and find out if she's going to have a problem with them. Weekly poker nights, workouts, whatever. That doesn't mean you shouldn't consider cutting back on some of those activities; compromise is expected in a relationship. But that's the essence of a relationship -- compromise. She has to compromise as well. Meaning, you shouldn't be expected to give up everything you currently do and enjoy. You do those things because they make your life better and more enjoyable, and you should be able to keep doing them with a reasonable frequency. I've been down this road. I lived with a woman for about nine months until two years ago. I didn't set out my expectations in advance, so it didn't get discussed. And it turned out that, most of the time I wanted to do things outside our "home life", it caused a fight. After those nine months I felt trapped, isolated and miserable living with her. It wasn't easy, but I had to end the relationship. Sounds crappy to say, but once I was out, I felt like I'd just been paroled. I lost the relationship, but I got my life back, and was much happier. A significant other is an important part of your life, but she shouldn't be the only part of your life, and she shouldn't expect to be. You were a whole person before you two moved in together, and you will be after. Just make sure that you understand each other and reach a consensus in advance. Edited June 3, 2010 by reservoirdog1
stace79 Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Most definitely split things evenly. But AGREE on that PRIOR to moving in! I.e., you each pay half the rent, half utilities, half cable/phone/internet, half groceries etc. Talk about household chores -- taking out trash, vacuuming, grocery shopping, etc. I got pissy with my ex b/c he would wait until the trash was overflowing in the kitchen to take it out. He actually told me once that he does better with a list of chores to do each day than me assuming he knows when to do what (men -- no helpless! ) It is imperative that you have lives outside of each other, and time to spend together. My ex had Sunday nights to himself because I went to sleep early for work, and he had a video game league that he played in. I would still schedule girls' nights out and would do an exercise class with a neighbor on Monday nights. I also think it's good to "schedule" date nights with your gf. I appreciated knowing that Saturday nights were for me and him. It can be a tough adjustment, but if you're both willing to work on things and compromise, you'll get through it! Best of luck!
norajane Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Have a very frank talk about your expectations in that regard, IN ADVANCE. Like, now. Way before you move in together. I can't express that strongly enough. If there are regular weekly activities (or annual things) you participate in that are important to you and that you want to keep doing once you two are living together, you should set these out and find out if she's going to have a problem with them. Weekly poker nights, workouts, whatever.Yes, this. Spell it all out, right now, before you move in. Expectations and compromises, dealbreakers, needs and wants. How often you would have friends over, and what each of you should do before inviting people over (clear it first, instead of surprising someone by inviting over a bunch of people when your SO was looking forward to some alone time at home). Expectations of vacations or weekends away - always together, or sometimes just with friends. Don't take anything for granted - talk about it, and "ask" instead of assuming, until you've worked out your rhythms and reach understandings about various situations. Also, make sure you continue to plan "dates" with each other. Nothing kills romance like falling into the "oh, well we live together so we see each other all the time" trap where you slack off on actually going out and doing something fun together.
CandyGirlXO Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 (edited) Get married. I'm sure the OP laughed at that one. But seriously here is my experience/advice on moving in together. I've lived with 2 guys. The first guy was a complete nightmare. Complete slob, didn't know how to even use the trash can just threw everything on the floor. I was in college and his rich parents paid for his place so he had figured I could just clean since I wasn't paying. Which sounds like a good deal, one I wouldn't mind but his messiness was not normal and we would fight constantly about it. Literally me saying. Just please throw your trash away!!! That only lasted 7 months then I moved out but was still his GF. I'm living with another guy right now and for the most part I love it. It might sound chessy but my absolute favorite thing is just sleeping next to him every night. We didn't really discuss much before moving in as far as expectations etc... Probably because it was HIS idea, and I am just so in love with him that I just jumped at the idea. We have a 2 bedroom, 2 bath. It works out nicely because we have so much crap. The 2 bathrooms are great too since we have the same work schedule. The only thing that we really discussed was splitting EVERYTHING 50/50. About keeping your own life. I think we do a good job at that. He is a lot more independant than I am and I'm a lot more needy but I realize this and I knew this before hand so I deal. He used to do a sport once a week since he was on a team. I do dinner every other week with a friend of mine. We sometimes go places together other times I have a girls night or he makes plans with friends. Sometimes I'm included other times I'm not. The thing is I don't nag. If he goes out I'm just happy when he comes home. One thing I would change would be more date nights. Going out to dinner but I know we are both trying to save $ because we are talking about buying the condo. When he has people over or I do we always clear it first with the other person even though the answer is always, "sure that's fine". He cleans too. It's amazing! LOL I admit I clean more than he does but I don't mind at all. If he sees me doing the dishes he will say I'll get them next time. Or he will tell me to stop so that he can do it. Edited June 3, 2010 by CandyGirlXO
Recommended Posts