jj33 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Because its the right thing to do, I have accepted xMMs apology for his hideous behavior which made me see the light. Really I should have thanked him but that wouldnt have been polite and since his business partners are now copied on all correspondence theres no room for revelations or sarcasm. I dont even pay attention to his emails (yes he still feels its important to communicate his thoughts about who knows what, I hardly read them. In the next week or so we will see each other. Anyone with an ounce of social intelligence would do their best to stay out of my way and not come up to me in public, but thats just not him. So I have to expect that he will try to talk to me. Over the past year or so I have studiously avoided him or said a polite hello and excused myself. I can carry on doing the same, after all the social niceties of hows your wife, hows your mother hows your sister hows your brother, rare really wasted on each other at this point. I dont want to be angry at him forever. In fact I am not anymore just annoyed with myself that I wasted precious time worrying about an eejit like him. But at the same time, I dont want to chit chat with him. There is a part of me that almost freezes at the thought of seeing him, sturdying myself against attack which is about right as he has spent the past year taking verbal shots at me. Now that I have allowed myself to accept how awful he was to me over the past few years, I am kind of afraid of him. Not that he can hurt me because he cant anymore, but noone wants to see someone who has treated them badly. Im not sure why he thinks I should be able to just shake it off and say hay ho its water under the bridge lets have a drink shall we? I dont hate him. I dont feel anything. But I dont want to be around him. Hes not a positive influence.
Jilly Bean Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 just annoyed with myself that I wasted precious time worrying about an eejit like him. And you're obviously still doing it...
ladydesigner Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 And you're obviously still doing it... I think she is still doing it because she still works with him, but is doing a damn good job of taking the high road that is for sure.
Jilly Bean Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I think she is still doing it because she still works with him, but is doing a damn good job of taking the high road that is for sure. I see. How many years ago did this affair end, though?
Susmay Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 And you're obviously still doing it... Well maybe she is but she also recognizes the futility of it and wants to get out gracefully...
ladydesigner Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I see. How many years ago did this affair end, though? I know. I would probably be the same way if I still worked with my XOM. I couldn't do it. NC is the only thing that has worked for me.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 GODDAMN dont you really understand? You dont owe this man anything!!! Cut him off and be done with it. Find a SINGLE man to mingle with he's done wasting your time right? so bury his azz where it belongs in the past!
jthorne Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 JJ- I'm sensing more anger at yourself than at him. Let it go, hon. He is what he is. You're better than that and you know it. You've risen above. Give yourself some credit.
califnan Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 GODDAMN dont you really understand? You dont owe this man anything!!! Cut him off and be done with it. Find a SINGLE man to mingle with he's done wasting your time right? so bury his azz where it belongs in the past! -------------------------- He's a Business associate, Chrome.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Please of all the lame backwards excuses!?!!! So what!?
califnan Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 He may be a business associate, but you're still a woman.. I wouldn't worry about burrying the hatchet at this time.. Expound on any business portion of your meeting(s) - to cover anything expected from him in the way of personal chitchat. Soon as all is taken care of, know where the door is.
Jilly Bean Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 JJ - if this affair was over years ago, as it appears to be from your post, why haven't you established some boundaries? I mean, you complain he emails you, and talks to you, yet have you ever told him to stop? I suspect you haven't, as it seems you're still a little addicted to the drama of it all.
fooled once Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Because its the right thing to do, I have accepted xMMs apology for his hideous behavior which made me see the light. Really I should have thanked him but that wouldnt have been polite and since his business partners are now copied on all correspondence theres no room for revelations or sarcasm. I dont even pay attention to his emails (yes he still feels its important to communicate his thoughts about who knows what, I hardly read them. In the next week or so we will see each other. Anyone with an ounce of social intelligence would do their best to stay out of my way and not come up to me in public, but thats just not him. So I have to expect that he will try to talk to me. Over the past year or so I have studiously avoided him or said a polite hello and excused myself. I can carry on doing the same, after all the social niceties of hows your wife, hows your mother hows your sister hows your brother, rare really wasted on each other at this point. I dont want to be angry at him forever. In fact I am not anymore just annoyed with myself that I wasted precious time worrying about an eejit like him. But at the same time, I dont want to chit chat with him. There is a part of me that almost freezes at the thought of seeing him, sturdying myself against attack which is about right as he has spent the past year taking verbal shots at me. Now that I have allowed myself to accept how awful he was to me over the past few years, I am kind of afraid of him. Not that he can hurt me because he cant anymore, but noone wants to see someone who has treated them badly. Im not sure why he thinks I should be able to just shake it off and say hay ho its water under the bridge lets have a drink shall we? I dont hate him. I dont feel anything. But I dont want to be around him. Hes not a positive influence. JJ, just be polite when you have to see him Hello and then walk away. You don't owe him the courtesy of hearing anything from you besides hello. Please of all the lame backwards excuses!?!!! So what!? WHAT??? What's your issue Chrome? She is asking for help - she isn't asking for ways to stay involved, she isn't asking for ways to keep the affair going, she isn't asking for excuses on why he stays, etc. Get off her back. She doesn't deserve this treatment - from you or anyone. Some people are NOT confrontational. Some people are 'people pleasers'. she has gone through HELL with this jerk and she is just asking for some advice on how to deal with seeing him. I think if it was so easy for her, she wouldn't be here asking. But she DOES work with him, she HAS to remain civil and she doesn't need any of his drama of him asking everyone "what's the matter with jj" and him playing Mr. Innocent. jj ((hugs)) I do want you to NOT be afraid of him. I do understand not wanting to be around someone who has hurt you so badly, someone who has harassed you so much and someone who enjoys toying with you. But this is the time, NOW is the time, to set the tone for the future. You can do this, I know you can.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 If you dont have the HEART to stand your ground and demand things change... It will never get done! I aint on her back, but she needs to have some heart and do what needs to be done. Or she'll be stuck in this situation for a lifetime. She wants my advice, Tell him straight up I do not want to work for you anymore. I quit. Tell him any more email towards me I will go to the investors board and give everyone details of the affair, I will contact your wife and put it on the front page of the major news in our area. i will destroy you... Just as you have destroyed me. Do NOT CONTACT me. EVER! If more OW stood up and demanded respect they get it, but they dont. So what am i doing than just pointing out the truth? I aint attacking anyone. but one gets frustrated my all this talking and yet no action. kwim???
califnan Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 This will get done Without your loosing your livelihood JJ .. It can be done from within.
califnan Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 If you dont have the HEART to stand your ground and demand things change... It will never get done! I aint on her back, but she needs to have some heart and do what needs to be done. Or she'll be stuck in this situation for a lifetime. She wants my advice, Tell him straight up I do not want to work for you anymore. I quit. Tell him any more email towards me I will go to the investors board and give everyone details of the affair, I will contact your wife and put it on the front page of the major news in our area. i will destroy you... Just as you have destroyed me. Do NOT CONTACT me. EVER! If more OW stood up and demanded respect they get it, but they dont. So what am i doing than just pointing out the truth? I aint attacking anyone. but one gets frustrated my all this talking and yet no action. kwim??? ----------------- You want her to sever her livelihood/business relations with him, by telling him that she quits.. What if his company is vital to her income? You sound like someone sitting on their front porch, oblivious to the real world.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 ----------------- You want her to sever her livelihood/business relations with him, by telling him that she quits.. What if his company is vital to her income? You sound like someone sitting on their front porch, oblivious to the real world. I never said quit without a new job ready and lined up but clearly her being in this job with this guy in such close proximity, is hurting her life. And no i dont sit on the porch. I just do things differently than the rest of the world. so what the job is his lively hood, he should have thought of that before an affair with his subordinate. I'm sure he'll be given a nice serverance package. He was unethical and i wouldnt want to work for a man who bangs his workers and harrasses them when the affair is ending. How stupid of me to want a man to be accountable for his actions. More often than not she'll be terminated if the bosses have their way. and if this affair comes out one way or another and they violated company ground rules than she's out anyway. She can find another job cant she?
fooled once Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 If you dont have the HEART to stand your ground and demand things change... It will never get done! I aint on her back, but she needs to have some heart and do what needs to be done. Or she'll be stuck in this situation for a lifetime. She wants my advice, Tell him straight up I do not want to work for you anymore. I quit. Tell him any more email towards me I will go to the investors board and give everyone details of the affair, I will contact your wife and put it on the front page of the major news in our area. i will destroy you... Just as you have destroyed me. Do NOT CONTACT me. EVER! If more OW stood up and demanded respect they get it, but they dont. So what am i doing than just pointing out the truth? I aint attacking anyone. but one gets frustrated my all this talking and yet no action. kwim??? She doesn't work FOR him - she works in the same FIELD as he does and it is a specialized field. She can't report him to anyone. I am all about women standing up for themselves - but some women can't do that. Some women aren't strong. Some women just can NOT do that. Her treating him poorly WILL affect her job and will affect her ability to work. Sometimes, it isn't so black and white.
califnan Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 She doesn't work FOR him - she works in the same FIELD as he does and it is a specialized field. She can't report him to anyone. Her treating him poorly WILL affect her job and will affect her ability to work. Sometimes, it isn't so black and white. ----------------- Chrome, the above is the situation.
bentnotbroken Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I must be having a bad day....first thought in my head. If it were a couple of years ago, I wouldn't have a problem with burying the hatchet in Mr. Messy's skull. I hate the driver's license place. :mad:Sorry, back to your regularly scheduled program.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 specialized field huh?? so she's damed if she does, damned if she doesnt. Who's to say people dont already know? Well then why cant she get a lawyer and have him sued for harassment? Is she gonna take this lying down??? If she allows his behavior it will continue. it will NEVER end!!!! Mark my words. She will stay in the same rut unless something something drastic happens. She's gonna have to take her head outta the sand and stop being a conflict avoider. I dont wanna hear how she cannot fight back? Is that how he was able to have the affair so long, by blackmailing her into it? So if she fights back, retains a lawyer and put him on blast it will end!!! Dont give me that crap, like she cant fight back, she can but she wont! A cornered fox is more dangerous than a jackal... dont forget that.
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Somehow you truly need to get to the indifferent phase. Deep down it seems like you still love this guy on some level, still allow him to affect you, enough that he is STILL on your mind..Alot. Not that you want him back.. It's too bad you guys work at the same place. Out of sight = Out of mind. You've never had that chance to totally get over him and never see him again.
califnan Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 specialized field huh?? so she's damed if she does, damned if she doesnt. Who's to say people dont already know? Well then why cant she get a lawyer and have him sued for harassment? Is she gonna take this lying down??? If she allows his behavior it will continue. it will NEVER end!!!! Mark my words. She will stay in the same rut unless something something drastic happens. She's gonna have to take her head outta the sand and stop being a conflict avoider. I dont wanna hear how she cannot fight back? Is that how he was able to have the affair so long, by blackmailing her into it? So if she fights back, retains a lawyer and put him on blast it will end!!! Dont give me that crap, like she cant fight back, she can but she wont! A cornered fox is more dangerous than a jackal... dont forget that. --------------------- Have you ever had a lawsuit? This is not going to happen by a ridiculous (attny gets it all) lawsuit. You don't sue bus associates unless they owe you money .. It is going to happen with her getting stronger, knowing who she is, and knowing What he is ... Which is already happening..
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 She still got the emails, right? then she can prove it's continual harassment. people have sued for less in life and won!!! With the right attourney she has a good shot at winning it, or at least getting an out of court settlement. It's taking her too long to realize what she needs to be done. How long is she gonna let this happen to her??? If she isnt actively changing things what's the point of crying about it. When is the time of crying over?
fooled once Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Chrome, it isn't as if he is writing her love emails or even truly harassment emails. He is a super smart, public person and he knows better than to keep or put things in writing. It is his digs he does to her - he has basically (if I recall correctly) made her out to be some weeping wall flower who is infatuated with him and he has tried to let her down gently and she doesn't get it. He embarasses her and taunts her in front of peers. He is thought of as a "golden God" per say by their peers - the golden one. And someone doesn't just become strong overnight. Hell, some women NEVER become strong - like the woman who stays with her abuser, or the woman who is controlled by a husband, the woman who is mentally abused by a boss, etc. Some women just don't have a lot of strength. And in many ways, many MM, in MY view, prey on just that type of woman!
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