No contact? "Wants me in her life" Thoughts?

[VeloFellow]

What does this mean? I think she just wants to make sure I'm there if she needs. My ex and I broke up a couple of months ago mostly because I lost my cool and freaked out and broke her heart. She hasn't been able to get over it and is now moving on to joining a dating site.

 

We have been seeing each other as friends, with mixed signals from her. On and off, hot and cold. Really confusing. There has been no intimacy but the occasional bit of affection and flirtation. Sometimes I push a little and she always pulls back and then puts my in my place as 'friend'.

 

This happened again just yesterday. And so finally we decided that being friends was too hard until I was totally over it. She left it with me to initiate contact when I was ready. Then texted 20 minutes later saying she'd love to see me before I left town. She then emailed that night saying the same thing, and also saying 'I want SO badly for you to still be in my life and it's like I panic internally when I realize that that might not happen. This is the biggest reason I want to get things straight and good between us- I hate the fact that I act differently towards you right now and I don't want to destroy everything because I was an ******* and effectively pushed you away.'

 

HELP! Do I respond? Do I go NC? Do I see her? Do I write back and say 'Only if you want to work it out, I can be in your life. Otherwise, its only when I can be totally platonic, after some time.'

 

I need an experienced person to give me some advice. I've not yet gone NC since we broke up - I've been pretty available to her. Maybe this is my chance to pull back some control? I'm really stuck on how to deal with it....

Edited June 2, 2010 by VeloFellow

[The Non-Student]

Why exactly did you break up? The reasons you gave are pretty vague. I think one of the most important parts of getting over a relationship or giving it a second shot is to have a very, very clear understanding of what your problems were. What about it was broken? Sounds like you've both very sad about the relationship failing, but to actually repair it requires more than just being remorseful--it takes a lot of work. And you both have to want the same thing.

 

Decide what you want first. If it's getting back together, that's dependent on her wanting it, too. From what you've said, it sounds like she doesn't want to be with you romantically. What you need is clarity and then to move on whatever you decide.

[VeloFellow]

The break up came out of a really bad argument that was initiated by some anxiety on my part, and a cocktail mixture of booze and medication. She was moving out in the morning, for a new job in a new city (a hard to get job) and I overreacted to something that was happening and told her she wasn't welcome in my house. I immediately tried to take it back and encourage her to stay, but it was too late. She booked. We had some contact and I visited in the following month or so, and there was some really promising messages exchanged.

 

Prior to the big breakup, things were pretty good. A touch volatile here and there, but also very affectionate and giving.

 

I'd like to repair it, but she is still damaged and unable to right now. Some days she's normal and happy, and others she just shuts me out. We're just friends, but she'll be very flirtatious with me, and there's still a chemistry between us.

 

I dunno. She wants me in her life, but it seems like its on her terms. I feel like I should break off contact with her and see if that's really what she wants. So far I've been around whenever she's wanted me and she's had the luxury of getting over the relationship with an ego boost from me whenever she needed it.

[sandiego]

She wants me in her life, but it seems like its on her terms. I feel like I should break off contact with her and see if that's really what she wants. So far I've been around whenever she's wanted me and she's had the luxury of getting over the relationship with an ego boost from me whenever she needed it.

 

I can offer some advice spoken from (painful) experience. I was broken up with 8 months ago. It hurt more than I thought it would. She moved out of state for a new job.

 

She continued to call and text, saying she wanted to be friends and "see where it goes".....but no committment to trying. I tried my best to just be cool.....but occasionally, my intention of wanting her back would come up and I'd hit a brick wall.

 

She dated a guy in the interim, who ended up breaking up with her. I got to hear all about it, until I couldn't deal anymore....and told her I wasn't interested in hearing about it.

 

She came home a couple of months ago (after her rebound break up). She was sad, a bit nostalgic....but still just wanted to be friends.

 

It's been 2 weeks since she left....and I haven't heard a peep from her. Really nice, thanks "friend".

 

I guess what I'm saying is, I know how bad you want this girl. I know you want her back. However, if she doesn't want it, there won't be much you can do. And by being her friend, you may delay the healing process significantly. If you DID get back together, I suppose it may be worth it. But just know the risk is not getting her back, and hurting for a longer period of time. I'm getting over it slowly, but my goodness, it's been 8 months.

 

Part of me thinks if I went NC, I'd have had a better chance at her coming back (she may have realized what she lost)....but by sticking around, she probably felt like she's had all the time in the world, to date, see how it goes, and get me back whenever she chooses.

 

It's been confusing. I'm trying to take it with a grain of salt. I will not initiate contact, but may respond if she decides to call/text. I'm trying to be mature and rational about it.

 

Bottom line, being friends is HARD!

Good luck,

SD

[Predator04]

sandiego hit the nail on the head with this quote

 

"Part of me thinks if I went NC, I'd have had a better chance at her coming back (she may have realized what she lost)....but by sticking around, she probably felt like she's had all the time in the world, to date, see how it goes, and get me back whenever she chooses.

"

 

VeloFellow read the above quote... Should help you out! Best of luck!

[ALombard]

Hey Velo,

 

Drop it, go NC and stick with it. I had a horrible break up a little over a month ago. Did the dumb ass thing and tried to be "friends" with her but started happening was that when I went out and got drunk I would become an ******* to her over the phone because my feelings of hurt and anger hadn't subsided.

 

That was a month ago. I told her a few days ago that we couldn't talk anymore and changed my number. Problem solved. I now have a new girl and couldn't be happier.

 

Trust me when I say this, LDR's don't work especially if you're trying to fix things. The paranoia will get to you.

 

Just leave it be. It's gonna hurt a lot. You'll have really bad moments, but in the end you will be a lot stronger and you will have realized your wrongs and won't bring them into the next relationship you're in.

 

Now my advice is only that, advice. You can choose to take it or not but I am telling you, straight up with complete sincerity that it's better to just leave her alone and move on. Or you can do what I did with my ex about a year and a half ago when she moved out of my house and lived and hour and a half away. Do everything to get her back and put out so much time, money, and energy only to have it all collapse on you later in life.

 

So best of luck to you.

[VeloFellow]

Hey guys - thanks for all the advice and feedback. I think NC is wise, like I was saying, she hasn't had to go more than 2 days without hearing from me. A lot of the time she would initiate contact, and I'd reply pretty much right away. She has all the luxury of looking around while still getting support and attention from me - I haven't been very strategic or smart about it, I've been pushing and dropping hints and all that. So she feels pressured and pushes back, or walls up.

 

So if I go NC - what if she contacts me? What if she wants to do stuff together, like 'friend' stuff - hiking, movie, etc.

 

She's very confusing. She's been pretty blatantly flirty with me at times and also has sought out affection from me. I honestly do feel that she WANTS to get past the fight we had (I broke up with her, in anger), but it seems like she can't - she tries and then hits some stopping point and just shuts down and walls up, our of safety or whatever.

 

Part of me hopes that she's really just being legitimate with me, and perhaps she needs to see that I'm not the angry, irrational guy that kicked her out of my house at 12:30am one night. I'm not using the meds I was before, so I'm not an anxious, neurotic, quick to anger guy anymore.

 

God, who knows. Its been two days since we last texted, but I'm hanging in there.

 

I'm not ready to date another girl, but if one came along and there was something there - then, yeah, I'd probably be into that.