someday Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Do you look back and smile or do you look back and cring? I could very easily start an affair. I posted on the infidelity section. I keep going back and forth in my mind. I seriously know what to do....but, I know what I want to do....but, I know what I need to do...but...but...but...wants vs. needs.
jthorne Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Was it worth it? Absolutely not. Maybe you should ask your husband if he thinks you having an affair would be worth it. Just a thought.
MizFit Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Do you look back and smile or do you look back and cring? I could very easily start an affair. I posted on the infidelity section. I keep going back and forth in my mind. I seriously know what to do....but, I know what I want to do....but, I know what I need to do...but...but...but...wants vs. needs. I don't do regrets...I can honestly say I have made a choice about everything in my life and I have done all of them by choice. Some brought heartache, some brought joy, and some brought both. I would do it again because I think my MM is different (see past posts or PM me so I don't bore everyone here yet again)...I would do it again because he got me through something that happened to me the year before that I had completely had an emotional shutdown over...I would do it again because he is one of the two men in this world I have loved completely. I'm sorry we hurt and I'm sorry we'll end...I'm not sorry I've had the relationship. Having said all of that I read what other OW have and are going through and I don't think I would want to be party to it. False hopes and empty promises and years hoping and wishing for so very much. There's a lovely song from the show Wicked...I'm Not That Girl. There are a few lines that always go through my heart when I read some of the heart wrenching posts here... Ev'ry so often we long to steal To the land of what-might-have-been But that doesn't soften the ache we feel When reality sets back in and my favorite line in the song... Don't wish, don't start Wishing only wounds the heart If you and I were sitting at the kitchen table sharing a bottle of wine...I'd advise you not to get into an A. I'd advise you that most people suffer greatly and hurt immensely by being in one. I'd then tell you that if you do have an A I'll be there to help you out all I'm able to...because at the end of the day you've probably already made up your mind to proceed. Good luck to you either way...just be prepared if you do that the step into it...this forum is living proof of the pain you may well encounter.
Tommy's Girl Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 It is never worth it when you are betraying someone.
MorningCoffee Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 (edited) I don't do regrets...I can honestly say I have made a choice about everything in my life and I have done all of them by choice. Some brought heartache, some brought joy, and some brought both. I'm sorry we hurt and I'm sorry we'll end...I'm not sorry I've had the relationship. Well said, MizFit. I agree. I too made the choice. Went in with eyes wide open, as did my MW/AP (I'm not married). While I have experienced a lot of suffering and pain, I have no recriminations and no regrets. I am glad to have had the love affair. (Just glad my grown child never knew - not being able to share about the love in my life was just one of the unexpected painful things about having an A with a MW). Edited June 2, 2010 by MorningCoffee
DadofTwoGirls Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I have to agree with Tommy's girl..no matter your situation in a relationship..especially a married relationship..it is a betrayal..and one should exit before engaging.
SavannahSmiles Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I have lots of regrets. OP, you will regret having an A. If you had to ask if it's worth it, you already know the answer. It's like asking if it's worth robbing a bank, going on a shopping spree and then as a result, spending a long time in jail. While you're sitting in jail I doubt you'd say it was all worth it! The thrill of the shopping is long gone but the regret remains.
ladydesigner Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Do you look back and smile or do you look back and cring? I could very easily start an affair. I posted on the infidelity section. I keep going back and forth in my mind. I seriously know what to do....but, I know what I want to do....but, I know what I need to do...but...but...but...wants vs. needs. Well one thing is for sure. I definitely do not look back and smile.
StoptheDrama Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Do you look back and smile or do you look back and cring? I could very easily start an affair. I posted on the infidelity section. I keep going back and forth in my mind. I seriously know what to do....but, I know what I want to do....but, I know what I need to do...but...but...but...wants vs. needs. In a word - NO! It was definitely not worth it. The sex was good (but I've had better ) and the emotional connection I thought we shared felt wonderful at the time but it was not worth the pain, humiliation, lies, games, manipulation, deceit and ultimate heartache, not to mention his ensuing nonsense. I don't cringe when I think back but I do shake my head in disbelief and shame. Sometimes, it's still hard for me to believe how low I sunk and the damage I allowed to be done and to do to myself. I try not to have regrets but to use my mistakes and (VERY) poor decisions as learning experiences. But, given all that I've dealt with and still do have to deal with, I regret my role in the A tremendously.
jennie-jennie Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 If it wasn't worth it, I wouldn't be here, going on the fifth year.
Heather1 Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I needed to know & no one was going to stop me. My regret is that he didn't want to continue, and then he started stringing me along. Right now I'm just trying to realize it's totally over. The second he pulled away, so did I, so I think I handled that part OK. I didn't want to pull away, I'd still be in it now if I thought he wanted that. It's a rollercoaster, just buckle your seatbelt!
pureinheart Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I have to agree with MizFit and Jennie... I am still putting the pieces of my life together, slowly but surely. I have the option to blame exDM for everything that has ever gone on in my life, but what would that serve? I could also blame the dog, the cat, the bird, the fish.... I am grateful that I added to his life in a large way as he is free now. I am becoming free and have a good life to look forward to. ExDM helped me also through an extremely bad time...9/11 took it's toll on me and that is very hard to admit ESPECIALLY in open forum as that is exactly what the terrorists wanted. I lost my mother during this time, two grandchildren, my stepfather and exDM was always there.
GreenEyedLady Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 If I didn't believe it was worth it, I wouldn't have married him. I'm sure his XW sees it differently, and I don't blame her. I wish that we had gotten together at a different time but we didn't and it is, what it is. I regret that people got hurt and am glad that time heals wounds. Although even if it hadn't worked out between us, I don't think I'd regret having loved so deeply. I am the sum of my experiences and that experience is part of who I am today. And I love me. :-) Plus, he didn't dump me or give me a funky disease or talk crap about me so I guess if any of the above had happened (or insert your worst nightmare here) then I'd feel differently. It sounds like you're betraying someone though and that puts an entirely different spin on this. I think you'll find that rarely the WS finds an A "worth it." Plus, why not just be honest with your spouse? GEL
greengoddess Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Talk to your husband. After reading your words in infidelity, you really do love this other man. End your marriage. It's easy. You have a get out of jail free card. Tell him you tried but just can not do it. You can't be with him with this baby. Talk to him. Don't cheat. You know how that feels.
Myowntwofeet Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 No regrets. Not one. I loved him, and still do. I am sorry we caused pain, to all and I am sorry that we were selfish but I do not regret one moment with him If someone was to say, " You can live that year of your life over, BUT you now know the pain you will feel" - I would say yes. I cannot answer for him but I know I loved him and that is NEVER something to be regretted ,regardless of what anyone says. Love is a gift, sometimes it out lives us and sometimes we simply carry it with us. Either way, those feelings, that emotion is living. The good, the bad, the painful is life and causes growth. I am sorry it ended and played out as it did in the end. I am not sorry for caring so unconditionally for another.
Fieldsofgold Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 (edited) I believe any time a person makes a conscious choice to do something they know will hurt another person (regardless whether that person "deserves it" or not), it is not worth it. I believe that what goes 'round comes 'round, we reap what we sow, Karma, all that. Just because some have conducted affairs, have hurt other people (or contributed to the hurt of others - BS on both sides, AP's children/family, etc.) and still have no regrets, doesn't mean they won't at some point in their lives regret it bitterly. It ain't over til the fat lady sings. I believe when we chose to do "what is right," in the long run, we will be happier, and have more peace in our lives. Certainly we will have more "self-respect." I believe we have principles in place to guide us and help us make decisions, when our base-est desires crave otherwise. As out of vogue as it may be, I still believe in doing unto others as I would want them to do to me. (regardless of what "others" have done.) I think that long term, that's the best way to have peace in one's life, to have peace in this world - but that's just me. Edited June 3, 2010 by Fieldsofgold
torranceshipman Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Lol, I SO laugh and cringe! It years ago and I was well happy to be out of it (the guy wasn't married but he did have a girlfriend). What a mistake! I have to say, though, I learnt a lot about never compromizing my principles and a lot about human nature, and I have undoubtedly benefited from that, so it wasn't all bad. Saying that, I was single at the time, and if I was M there would be NO WAY that I would be stupid or selfish enough to get involved in an A. If you are M, then DON'T do it - you cannot imagine the fall out that you will end up with.
RedDevil66 Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 For me, no it wasn't worth it. The betrayal damaged the spirit of the wife of the married guy I was with and more importantly, damaged my spirit. The level of worthlessness I felt was intense. It took me years of self reflection to regain everything I lost when I decided to conducts myself in low-life behaviour. I regret so few things in life, because in my 45 yrs, I've done so much good, but my affair was the one thing I do regret. And I loved this man more than anything. That sort of love was not worth my soul......... I am whole again which is the good news :-)
skywriter Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I regret it, because I am worth more than an A and so is his W. It's not who I believe myself to be either. I hold myself accountable for my choices and the choice I made was selfish and in bad taste.
OWoman Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Do you look back and smile or do you look back and cring? Neither. I look FORWARD and smile. The A was wonderful. The M that came out of the A is awesome. More than worth it! That said - my situation was different to yours. I was D. I did not have to compromise on vows, morals or authenticity. The costs may well be higher for you.
OWoman Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 If I didn't believe it was worth it, I wouldn't have married him. I'm sure his XW sees it differently, and I don't blame her. I wish that we had gotten together at a different time but we didn't and it is, what it is. I regret that people got hurt and am glad that time heals wounds. Although even if it hadn't worked out between us, I don't think I'd regret having loved so deeply. I am the sum of my experiences and that experience is part of who I am today. And I love me. :-) Plus, he didn't dump me or give me a funky disease or talk crap about me so I guess if any of the above had happened (or insert your worst nightmare here) then I'd feel differently. It sounds like you're betraying someone though and that puts an entirely different spin on this. I think you'll find that rarely the WS finds an A "worth it." Plus, why not just be honest with your spouse? GEL Agreed. . .
JustJoe Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Well, in my case, it was worth it. As things are playing out now, it seems that it was and is much more than just sex, which is all that I wanted, in the beginning. My MW has grown and matured, and so have I. I regret any hurt the A caused, but the H of my MW was unfaithful too, so there is very little lasting damage to anyone. I know that many others have suffered greatly, and I feel for all of them, but I now am sure that I would and do love my STBEXMW regardless of her former marital status. I regret only the manner and deceit, not the sex and Love.
SavannahSmiles Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Shopping? Jail? LOL! I admit it was a bad analogy. My point was if you have to get something by cheating, if you don't regret it, you should.
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