MissRoseWine Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I've done the unexpected and fallen in love ...the problem is he lives in the USA and I'm all the way in England. We are planning to meet in sept, but the problem is where do we go from there...I will fly back home but I can see myself wanting to marry this man and spend the rest of my life with him. Its cutting me up, we talk for hours on the phone, webcam, email and instant message. Would it be easier to simply walk away? Neither can afford multiple trips to the others countries every year and I can't just move to america and get a job it doesnt work like that. Im really stuck and what to do and It is breaking my heart of the possibilty never having him in my life. I just simply love him... Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
MizFit Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I've done the unexpected and fallen in love ...the problem is he lives in the USA and I'm all the way in England. We are planning to meet in sept, but the problem is where do we go from there...I will fly back home but I can see myself wanting to marry this man and spend the rest of my life with him. Its cutting me up, we talk for hours on the phone, webcam, email and instant message. Would it be easier to simply walk away? Neither can afford multiple trips to the others countries every year and I can't just move to america and get a job it doesnt work like that. Im really stuck and what to do and It is breaking my heart of the possibilty never having him in my life. I just simply love him... Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Hi there...I'm an American who moved here 9 years ago for love. It isn't easy, but it can be done. We actually met in person, albeit briefly...after that we did long distance for 2 years. He made 2 trips to the States and I made 2 trips here. At that point we said...ok, we do it or we end it. We did it. It's tough and sometimes, even after all these years, I wonder how on earth I did it! If you want to PM me for support help yourself. I can be hit or miss on here depending on how work is going so don't worry if you don't get a quick reply!
Eeyore79 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 One of you will have to eventually be willing to emigrate. Is one of you willing to do so? If not then you might as well give the relationship up as a lost cause. If one of you is willing to emigrate then you have a chance. Getting a work visa for the UK is probably easier than getting a work visa for the US, but it isn't easy either way. Your best bet is to get married, and this is where most relationships falter - are you really prepared to marry someone considering you won't be able to live with them or spend any great amount of time together beforehand? Are you willing to marry someone based on a mostly online relationship, and move away from your friends and family to do so? An LDR is difficult if you can only see each other a couple of times a year, not to mention expensive when it's trans-atlantic. You would end up marrying based only on a handful of meetings, and that's a pretty big risk. Most couples (including myself and my ex) give up because of the expense and the logistical problems. I'm not saying it can't be done, just that it's extremely difficult.
Z-cat Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 It can be done, but it does depend on a lot of factors. Age and lifestyle come into play, and how soon you can communicate a good way to be together. I fell in love with a Canadian at 16 and was with him long distance for two years bust eventually because of our ages and the troubles we had trying to be together he ended the relationship. 3 years later he is still, and I predict always will be, the love of my life. I think that if I had met him at a different time, or if I had lived nearer we would have been married one day. You can make it work, I believe that, but it is by no means easy. You'll have to have the conversation about who would be willing to move where and what you would do in the meantime...but in the end, love can conquer most things if you're willing to work at it!
Citizen Erased Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I would at least wait until you have met until you really start freaking yourself out. But yes, if the plan is you moving to the US, it is incredibly difficult. So there's really one option...are you REALLY prepared to spend the rest of your life with this person? Not just oh we'll get to see each other every day and everything will be perfect. They won't. You're giving up a lot for someone you are taking a huge risk for and it would be very hard. And you would be skipping a lot of natural steps in the process. I get it, I'm there too. My guy is in the US and I'm in Australia. I am so infatuated with him I barely think of anything else, and it was like that before I met him. I fell hard and fast and I am so damn lucky I didn't get my heart broken...not yet anyway. I will literally do anything to change this situation, as quickly as we possibly can. Meet him. So many people on here have gone though this, met the person and what was there online simply wasn't in person. It's one of the many risks. I hope it goes well.
Eeyore79 Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 So there's really one option...are you REALLY prepared to spend the rest of your life with this person? This is exactly the problem! The distance makes it impossible to go through the normal steps of a relationship like going on dates, staying over at each other's houses, moving in together, being engaged and planning a wedding... You literally have to skip all that stuff and commit to spending the rest of your life with that person based on a mostly online relationship with a few meetings, then emigrate and get married asap. It's tough enough to commit to someone at all, never mind committing to them when you've skipped the majority of the steps in a normal relationship. Not to mention that a normal relationship commitment doesn't take you away from your home, friends and family like an LDR commitment would. It's a huge leap of faith, and personally I wasn't prepared to do it, so my LDR ended.
BettyBoop Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 We are planning to meet in sept, but the problem is where do we go from there...I will fly back home but I can see myself wanting to marry this man and spend the rest of my life with him. I agree with the others - meet the guy before you decide you could see yourself married to him. I met my ex fiancé online and it took +4 meetings before I realized it would be a disaster to marry him and that he had tons of issues that he had to deal with before he could ever make anyone happy. Not saying yours is like mine - but it takes quite a bit of time together before you see their bad sides.
LittleTiger Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 (edited) I have a slightly different slant on this one. This is just the beginning. You think you are in love and you clearly have very strong feelings for this guy. However, you will not know if it is real until you have actually met him. What you currently have is a friendship, with chemistry that could turn into a long term relationship, without chemistry you may just be lifelong friends or you may not. You won't know if there is chemistry until you meet him and you won't know if it's a sustainable relationship until you've spent a lot of time with him. Now here's the really bad bit. You guys are a long way apart. Unless you have the time and resources to travel back and forth to be with each other regularly I would advise you NOT to meet. You probably think I'm crazy saying this but I speak from experience. I am head over heels in love with the most wonderful man I have ever met. I live in England and he lives in New Zealand - that's 12,000 miles, or a 30 hour flight!!! We met online in September, became great friends, much as you two have, and met in real life in November. The chemistry was there in bucketloads. Since then we have effectively lived together for two and a half months - at either his house or mine - and we are both convinced that this is it. It works. We are in our 40s and are able to see each other for three to four weeks every two to three months. We're now trying to keep it to two months at most because we can't bear to be apart for longer. Despite the distance, that's a lot better than many LDRs, but let me tell you - it's torture!!! He will be moving to the UK but not for at least a year and even then he can't be here full time. If he couldn't move here I would move there without question. We can't imagine a life without each other so we have to deal with it. So my advice is, unless you have the time and resources to see each other very regularly (your post suggests that you don't) and, as others have said, you are prepared to emigrate and probably therefore marry him before you know him properly, I would suggest you stay online friends. There are many successful LDRs, including mine, but I wouldn't wish this kind of life on anyone. Edited June 3, 2010 by LittleTiger
LikeCharlotte Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 There are many successful LDRs, including mine, but I wouldn't wish this kind of life on anyone. Ditto, Tiger. It gets harder every day and unless you are BOTH willing to change your entire lives to make it happen it will just end in tears. More importantly, you need to do this in person before you can make any decisions. I have been doing LDR for 2 years US/UK and it is expensive and hard. We are finally looking at making real plans. I would never have considered it without knowing the risks and having several visits. Take it slow and get to know him in person or walk away now. It sounds romantic and sweet but the reality is hard and lonely at times. If you want to survive it you need to have a really strong relationship that is built on something tangible.
Spiritofnow Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 (edited) Hey, I am in a Uk to USA LDR. I concur with pretty much all that has been said on here regarding reserving your feelings about the future somewhat until you have both met. I met my SO on-line and it was a little over a year before we met in real life. I never really had any doubts about whether we would connect in the same way we did in the virtualness. However, as the date for our rl meeting approached I found that I did have those concerns, so I would suggest that it can be a real possibility that when you meet it may not go the way you had hoped. Now we are at the stage of putting all the dynamics of me moving out there in motion, and although I do love my SO with all my heart and I know he IS the man I want to spend my life with I still have fears. It's a big deal to move to another country and give up all that you know, and commit yourself to another human being. I think you need to step back a little and weigh up all the possibilities and prepare yourself for what may happen when and if you meet - meeting each other is a form of commitment to taking the LDR one step further, and until that happens I think it would be jumping the gun to really allow yourself to consider giving yourself to this person. An LDR can be a very stressful way to conduct a relationship, and as someone else pointed out on this thread you will find that you by-pass a lot of the natural stages of a rl relationship, which could cause stress if either one of you is not ready or prepared to make a real long-term commitment. Take one step at a time, and keep a balanced and rational mind set, and if it is love and you BOTH make the choice to commit to making it work then you can seriously start to consider the future. I guess, after saying all that I also want to add that some people do rush in and don't think about all the practicalities , and sometimes that works out for them. Just be mindful. Edited June 4, 2010 by Spiritofnow
Recommended Posts