first post - circumstances, not good

[ishmaiel]

I've been trolling and gaining small comforts from seeing others in impossible situations, seeing their falls and their courage. I'm touched with everyone's support.

 

Today, I registered and am posting this because, well... probably this is the only thing that's keeping me from crying, as I sit at work.

 

I can't put down on this page the last 10 years of my life. First, nobody would read the entire thing. Second, its reality on the page could never communicate what they were to me: pure joy, fulfillment, connectedness, and emotional ecstasy.

 

Almost 11 years ago, in November 1999, when I was, I saw someone who I was attracted to like the opposite pole of a magnet. If there was a fifth force in the universe, I'd say that I felt it. We married in 2001.

 

For now, lets skip past the next 10 years (like I said, I can't really do them justice in words, and certainly not when I'm in this state). We never fought, we respected and loved and LIKED each other tremendously. Everyday I knew she was the best person in the world, she knew the same of me, we lived and loved and sailed blissfully (and smugly) on.

 

We have been living apart for 2 months now. Things happened to each of us, independently of the other. I was depressed, she had anxiety problems. My depression didn't allow me to see things clearly, but I was certain that we continued to be fundamentally strong together and could work through our issues.

 

6 months ago, deep in my depression, I asked her whether she still loved me. I may have seen a change, I may have been asking for help myself, it's hard to know. She said, "I don't know." Well, you can imagine that this isn't the answer I expected (which was more along the lines of "I love you. I want us to grow together beyond this difficult time. I am here. You are here. We are stronger together than apart and let's get going on this great adventure.").

 

As we talked, me shell shocked, and her too, I realized that she's been making headways in her anxiety and personal demons (the year previous I asked her firmly that she needed to do this because it was seriously impacting her happiness, and ours too - but did so from a position of togetherness and partnership). She was making headways and I was not, still depressed, and largely avoiding my state and the need to deal with it. At some point, she went ahead of me too far. I admit, I don't understand it fully (perhaps what I really mean is that I can't accept it).

 

She thought that our only chance was a trial separation in which we found our way back to one another. What am I to say?

 

Immediately after our talk in December, I started making enormous changes in my life to get out of my depression and live a more awake life. I saw the most important thing in my life - her - possibly fading and this was motivation like no other. I suddenly realized what was important to me, what wasn't and how everything fit together. I went on medication, I started seeing a counsellor, I increased my physical activity. I demonstrated to myself, and her, that when the chips where down (and boy, they were down), I was capable.

 

Through this time, we cried a lot, hugged a lot, walked together and ate together. We talked about moving out and starting the process of finding a way back to one another. Specifically, her finding her way back to me. For me, I woke up, I knew what I wanted and I was ready to start supporting, building, investing and growing together again.

 

In the last two months of living apart, we've seen each other about twice a week, on dates. There's no sexual physical contact (we hug and touch warmly), but we laugh, talk, and are best company to each other (which we both admit is true, and always has been).

 

Speaking with her last night, about the last two months, and what the next two months, four or eight will bring, left me in a state of complete fragility. Whereas before I was regaining some balance, some stability and focus on the hope that we (she) could work through this, I am now left scared, doubting and deeply worried for the future.

 

She loves me, she sais, but she is not in love with me. She wants to be in love with me, but doesn't know how to make that happen. Her focus now is on addressing issues in herself that have allowed our relationship to stagnate as it did (we both did our part, of course). She has a hard time identifying her needs, asking for them, and setting time and effort aside for herself. She's driven (long-distance triathlon, ironman), and dedicated (phd school, friends), but neglects to carve out enough time and strength for herself.

 

This is something we spoke about at length through out relationship, but I didn't push hard enough.

 

She doesn't know what our separation is right now. She doesn't want the rings to come off, but she can't quite tell me why.

 

I am in pieces. I find myself, like some character in a romance movie or schlocky book, desparate to do anything and accept anything in the face of unrequited love.

 

Unrequited love of 10 years, is, I tell you, both sharp and blunt and with the force of all the emotions I ever felt concentrated at one point and at one time.

 

While I can give myself practical and level-headed advice (gain perspective, do not hang onto vain hope, start rebuilding as if it is over), I find that taking it and acting on the advice is ... impossible.

 

I am stricken and at a loss for emotion.

 

Though obviously, not at a loss for words.

 

If you've read this far - I hope that you see on the page circumstances and pain you will never have to go through.

 

I'm trying to surround myself with friends and support, and came here to reach out in another medium.

 

M

[What_Next]

I admire your courage for coming on here and posting your story. I drummed up the courage to do the same thing only a few days ago.

 

I am also in a very similiar situation to you. The main difference is that we are living under the same roof; although I am living in the basement. Due to financial concerns we just cannot live apart right now.

 

I have been trying to ask my partner what comes next, but thus far have gotten nothing. I can totally understand what you are going through as I am in that same spot right now.

 

I too have tried to get some of my close friends involved and have been asking them for assistance and advice. Like you some of the advice has been fantastic, but I have not been able to follow it all.

 

I hope to have the strength to get through this. You did not mention if there were children involved, for me there is a child, an 11 year old.

[just_some_guy]

I'm on the "other side" of this from you, more from the perspective of your wife.

 

We've had some ups but mostly downs in the separation. I have to admit, that I'm happier, healthier and getting better in the separation. She's getting better, but doesn't want to deal with things that need dealing with. She wants it all back "the way it was" when the way it was, just wasn't good. That has manifested in a lot of ways, from picking fights with the marriage therapist to her storming out of the session then ambushing me in the parking lot, to emotional crisis calls to me, assorted and sundry drama, jealousy and so on.

 

Let me put it this way: Acts of desperation are not attractive. Each episode has pushed me further away.

 

Your best bet, in my opinion, is to come to acceptance that what will be, will be. That there's loss and disappointment, but you can survive this and loss and disappointment are painful, but are not the same thing as hurt. Accepting and dealing with the idea of loss of the relationship is at the same time, the healthiest perspective for you and the most likely avenue that the relationship can be reborn from the ashes, if there is even a chance.

[rewe4reel]

She loves me, she sais, but she is not in love with me.

 

Sorry OP, but the separation plus this sentence above means she's cheating on you.

[ishmaiel]

Sorry OP, but the separation plus this sentence above means she's cheating on you.

 

This may apply in general.

 

In our case, the only certainty I have is knowing that this did not happen. We respect each other too much to do this to the other person.

 

Yes, the possibility is there and that I am being blind. But it's near zero.

 

An affair is simply not a parameter in our situation.

[ishmaiel]

Like you some of the advice has been fantastic, but I have not been able to follow it all.

 

I hope to have the strength to get through this. You did not mention if there were children involved, for me there is a child, an 11 year old.

 

There are no children, no debts, no financial obligations.

 

Advice giving is a strange process, isn't it? Sufficiently insightful people know exactly what to do ... it is the emotional incapacity that prevents us from doing it (either now, well, or ever).

 

We now joke that we see people together, people who don't appear to be getting along 1/10th of us, but nevertheless they are together. What keeps them together, we ask? Kids, we think. Then we wonder how we'd be if we had a child 5 years ago.

 

Thank you for your comments. Go and buy a flower and put it in your room, make it yours and yours alone. If you cannot nurture yourself, do it for a small biological. It may be act as a symbol of strength. Or, it may be just ... advice.

 

M

[aeren944]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this... I feel very akin to your situation as well, except my fiance broke it off with me.

 

Honestly, and completely my opinion, you're lucky you're both going on dates twice a week. To me, that would prove that she actually is working on it, because she seems to be trying to fall in love with you.

 

However, don't let that get your hopes up... at all. Fixing the depression and focusing of yourself is something you NEED to do... not for her, but for you. No matter what happens in the future... whether you get back together or drift apart, you need to be happy with yourself, because you're the one you have to live with.

 

I don't know if you want to hear that, but I'm in the middle of hell, as well, and that's what I'm starting to learn. The "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," is a stupid excuse, in my opinion. It's a cop out, pure and simple. Or maybe just an excuse? I'm not sure. But take it as it is... she's not in love with you... and you need to be okay with that if you want to be happy. I'm not saying to plan for the worst, just be prepared...

 

Just my two cents...

[ishmaiel]

Honestly, and completely my opinion, you're lucky you're both going on dates twice a week. To me, that would prove that she actually is working on it, because she seems to be trying to fall in love with you.

 

...

 

The "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," is a stupid excuse, in my opinion. It's a cop out, pure and simple.

 

Because we have always been extremely respectful and kind to each other (too kind, perhaps, and thus not really pushing the other towards new ground and growth), I am leaning towards the notion that she is sincere in trying, but does not know how.

 

However, a huge part of me is terrified that it is an excuse and it is the overwhelming guilt that she is feeling over her decision to separate that is not allowing her to say the final words.

 

I am in a strangely dissociated state. I feel terrific anguish, but am now clinging to a hope for the future. To being able to somehow positively influence this process.

 

At this moment, I feel I need to get through this crushing time in whatever way (short of hard drugs, I hope). If it's a little bit of self-delusion, I will take it. When/if the end comes, perhaps I will be in a stronger place. I certainly hope so.

 

M

[aeren944]

I agree with you. However you have to make it through this, do it. I'm in the same boat! I just want to caution you about the hope of fixing it... I understand it, but I'm starting to learn that I need to put hope in ME, not in fixing something that's out of my control.

 

I feel for you, honestly. Hope things get better, and I sincerely hope you two are able to make it back together.

[What_Next]

Well hopefully there is strength in numbers, because I am right there with you as well. Yesterday was without a doubt (besides the day I lost my father) one of the toughest days I've ever went through. I nearly tore myself apart and ended up self medicating.

 

At least I tried my best to follow the 180 and did make at least some progress. Today was better. My partner and I actually spoke for about 15 minutes. Although I was very shakey. For some reason I feel like there is a piano tied on a small rope right above my head when I am talking to her now. She noticed it as well.

 

You had a great idea about getting a flower or something in my basement/workshop/bedroom (hey a true multi-use room). It won't be a flower but I'll find something to treat myself with.

 

Hang in there things might indeed improve. In my case I definitely feel deflated, defeated and de-moralized, but in a way that is a good thing. I am looking to rebuild both the relationship and myself in tandem. The personal thing has to come first though, but in the meantime the building blocks can go into place on the relationship.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[You Go Girl]

You've obviously loved deeply although not perfectly. Well who does love perfectly? You gave it your all. Nothing more can be asked of you, ever.

So don't put blame on yourself. She's the one who has walked, she's the one who has put that silly notion of 'not in love but still love you' carp into her head.

Sometimes people walk when they don't realize just how good they have it. Read up on the walkaway wife. The walkaway spouse is looking for new adventure. That was good! What exciting thing is next? Life must get even better!

They reject the familiar.

Hopefully your wife will realize just how dear you are to her. But if she starts dating other men, you do have to pull the plug on seeing each other. No cake eating allowed. She either values you enough to stay married to you--or she loses you.

Stay strong and take care of yourself!

[ishmaiel]

You had a great idea about getting a flower or something in my basement/workshop/bedroom (hey a true multi-use room). It won't be a flower but I'll find something to treat myself with.

 

I decided that I needed to start building something in myself, and for myself.

 

Started taking drumming lessons. Found out a local teacher, who is also Polish, am having a good time. Then I find out that in the 70s he played with my favourite Polish band. Go figure. Even in this bizarre and murky time, interesting events pop up.

 

I wish you best of strength What_Next.

[hopesndreams]

Investigate. Find out what/who is the enemy.

 

She's left. The date nites could just be her way to relieve her guilt. She's stringing you along in case things don't work out with her new fella. Perhaps she is waiting on him to leave his W.

 

Your best bet in getting her back is to not be her "friend" anymore. Get her to miss you and wonder about you. Otherwise, one day her new fella will fall out of the sky and then she will decide she no longer needs you as friend.

 

She has all the power right now. Take it back from her. It will show that you respect yourself enough not to put up with what she is doing to you any longer.

[aylamae]

I am sorry to hear about all the pain your going through. No matter what dealing with that stuff is very, very hard to do. I think you just need to be patient and see what transpires. I personally think that it is a good sign, that you two are still seeing each other twice a week, especially since you said that no kids or financial obligations are involved. Is it possible that maybe she just needs a break and some time to herself?

 

I don't want to get your hopes up or anything, but sometimes people just need to be without each other for a while to realize that they really do want to be with each other. I know you read my story and how I am considering leaving my husband, or having a separation. I don't think that I would be hanging out with him like that after our separation, if I still didn't have strong feelings for him.

 

My advise would be to be patient, be strong, and give her the space she needs, let her figure out what she wants. In the meantime, try to do some things for yourself, go out with the guys, have some fun, use this time as an opportunity do enjoy your freedom. That way, if she does decide that she wants a divorce, it will be a lot easier on you.

[ishmaiel]

My advise would be to be patient, be strong, and give her the space she needs, let her figure out what she wants. In the meantime, try to do some things for yourself, go out with the guys, have some fun, use this time as an opportunity do enjoy your freedom. That way, if she does decide that she wants a divorce, it will be a lot easier on you.

 

I am working very hard at managing myself, keeping myself from vicious feedback loops of doom-and-gloom thoughts and trying not to be influenced too strongly by any given possible timeline.

 

Unfortunately, I cannot see this time for myself as a time for exercising freedom. I never felt limited by her, but rather even more free and capable. She made me want to be a better man, and in many ways I have become that.

 

If anything, living apart during this time feels more like jail, than freedom. I want to do less and I am able to do less.

 

Honestly, I feel like the only thing keeping me together is the possibility of a successful outcome of this truly ****ty situation. At this time, I don't believe that I actually have any direct control to increase the likelihood of success. But I can sure increase the likelihood of failure, so I am working hard to not do so. Right now, this is my only task.

 

If it ends badly, however, I am terrified of how much worse I will feel, given that right now this is the worst I've felt in my life.

 

At the moment, I am of the opinion that we are too complex and too aware. I think I'd rather be a dog.

[2ndthymearound]

I feel like your story is a little like mine. We were sailing along blissfully and then all of a sudden here we are separated. I keep asking myself how did I get here? I too ask certain questions and then I get upset by his answers. Then I say that I wish that I had never asked that to begin with because I was feeling so much better. I ask him over for dinner and then he stays a while and I know that I will be upset when he leaves. I am trying so hard to not seem desperate but it's very hard. I am trying to be strong and act like I don't need him. I keep asking him if he loves me and he says yes and he thinks that we will be ok. We are going to a counselor next week and it's not soon enough for me. My situation also makes it look to everyone else like he's cheating but I don't think that he is. I hate when people bring that up because it just makes me paranoid about it. It makes me question everything.