Turkish Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Okay, here's the deal. Been married almost 3 years. I'm 25, the wife is 33. She has a 10yo daughter from a previous marriage. For about the past 2 years or so I just haven't really been happy. I keep coming back to the feeling that I simply wasn't ready for all this. I thought I could handle the pressures of an instant family but more and more I realize I just can't. Not without sacrificing my personal happiness at least. My wife and I really rushed into the marriage. Only dated for a few months before getting engaged and then quickly getting married. Even though I still love her dearly, I really think we didn't know each other well enough to move so fast. To be honest, I wasn't even completely grown up myself when we were married. Now I feel like a totally different person than I was 3 years ago and feel like I'm missing out on so much because I married so young. And I'm not talking about "sowing my wild oats" or anything like that. I'm just talking about life experiences. I feel so tied down constantly. I know this may seem selfish to some but I really didn't realize what I was getting into and wasn't even really in the kind of state, mentally or emotionally, to be making such huge life-changing decisions. But I did and so here we are. As I said, I love my wife but just feel like I'm not at a place in my life where I can be the kind of husband/father she wants me to be. That she deserves. On the one hand she's a great woman and hasn't done anything to deserve a divorce. But on the other hand, I feel like I'm staying for the wrong reasons... just to spare her feelings. And I don't see how that's helpful to me, her, or the kid. Any advice or insight would be appreciated. I'm open to counseling but I honestly feel like that won't do very much good. Deep down I know this just isn't what I want at this point in my life. Still, I can't bring myself to end it. But I also can't keep going on being this conflicted and unhappy. I feel absolutely horrible about all this but nonetheless it's how I feel. And have felt for quite awhile now. (sorry for the rambling)
ishmaiel Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 When you say that you feel you can't be the right kind of husband/father for her, make sure that she has had a chance to express what she things that kind of husband/father is. First, ask yourself whether you are willing for your relationship to adjust and grow to include fulfilling your needs. This means being clear and precise about what those needs are, believing that they can be integrated into the current relationship and circumstance, and wanting to explore them with your present partner. Feeling overwhelmed and limited may be due to the fact that you are overstating the responsibilities in your head and creating limitations for yourself. For example, if you wish to do activity X, say "Is there a way to fit in activity X into my relationship and circumstance." Of course, if the truth is that you can do activity X now, but prefer to do it while not in this relationship that is different. Sit down with her, say that you are finding the present situation overwhelming and limiting. Ask her how how things can change/grow in a direction that you feel fulfilled. Ask her the same question - what are her needs? Does she know them? Long term plans? You may not have any power to change how today looks, but you do have the power to change now today looks a year from now. In the end, look at the foundation and core of your emotions. Is there a firm structure within which you are willing to work on defining a direction of growth and change (clearly, it sounds like things need to change) to everyone's benefit? This would not be a change of accommodation, but a change of natural growth. A progress from one stage of the relationship to another. You are 25, that is young. She is 33, that's also young. When you're 33 you will feel significantly older than you are now - there is a real tangible consequence to this age gap, in general. If you can communicate to her from the perspective of, say, how she felt when she was 25, perhaps she can empathize with your feelings. Above all else, be frank, honest and sincere with your feelings. Talk about them openly and collaboratively. As soon as you cannot, then any ensuing discussion has no foundation. So, to summarize? Present her with a clear and lucid description of exactly how you feel. And then you have to choices (a) grow together from this point or (b) break up.
2sure Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 You married a 30 year old woman with a child when you were 22 years old. Yes, you are right. People continually change and grow throughout life at all ages but during our early 20s ..its still like going from teen to adult. And she knew this even though you could not have. Its a do over.
You Go Girl Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I think Ishmaiel gave you excellent advice. Let's get to the heart of this, shall we? Just what is limiting your life experiences? What do you want to do, that you feel you can't do married to her? Be honest, especially with yourself!
Author Turkish Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 Thanks for the responses guys. I think the main thing is I just don't feel like I was or am ready for all of this responsibility. Specific example? I would very much like to go back to school and change careers. Right now, in my current situation I simply can't. We live paycheck to paycheck and have zero savings (been this way throughout the entirety of our marriage). If I'm not working full time we would be screwed and in all likelihood would lose the house. Sure I could take a class here or there but then what am I looking at, 6, 7 years before getting a simple bachelor's degree? Also, I don't want it to seem like this all came out of the blue. This is something I've been struggling with for a long time. And I made it a point to look in the mirror first to try to really get to the bottom of all this before making any rash decisions or misplacing any blame. And I didn't really explain the whole situation in the first post. It's not as if we've been having a peachy marriage and I'm just unhappy now. We both seem miserable lately. Every time we talk, nothing gets resolved. We never have learned how to argue constructively. She has a tendency to bottle up until explosion while I simply shut down. Whenever we think we got something worked out the same problem pops up not long after. Also, the sex life is virtually non-existent. We've probably had sex 3 or 4 times in as many months. And when we do it's always a planned chore-like thing. Not spontaneous. Honestly, it's pretty much been that way for the past year or two. Sometimes I think she feels a lot like I do but is more apt to stick it out in a not-so-good marriage because of her age and the fact that if this doesn't work out it would be two failed marriages for her. So instead of voicing her true feelings she bottles up and tries to act like everything is fine.
Recommended Posts