Is it even possible?

[rewe4reel]

Dadof2, I may have you mixed up with another LS poster, but didn't you have a year long A?

 

If so, that might be strongly influencing your wife's decisions/behavior.

 

If I am wrong, please accept my apology.

 

 

Hmmm I didn't know that, if it's true, obviously it would give the wife a reason for separating, without any infidelity on the wife's part.

[DadofTwoGirls]

Yes snow...a few years ago, you are correct:sick:..probably where the guilt comes from..even though I never ever imagined having a PA, yet being pusued constantly and actually said no many times before it happened is no excuse on my part:o...I hope no one has to work in close quarters with someone persistant about it and you're in a stable marriage let alone one void of passion..although no excuse at all..I still want the passion I had when we first married with the woman I married..the old cliche of kids, her new job, my new job other activities and no time for each other is both are problems..she told me before she left she could of had an affair years ago if she wanted to...maybe she did I don't care..I just want desire and passion for her without having to fake it..I only hope she wants the same thing after time away.

[Snowflower]

Thanks for your honesty, Dadof2, I really appreciate it...

 

So, what do you think...do you think you can regain some of that love and intimacy and respect for your wife?

 

From what you post (and I'm not even going to touch the affair aspect), it doesn't sound like you have loved her for a long time. Care about her, yes, like her, yes, but not truly love.

 

And remember, passion doesn't stay around for long in any relationship. So don't judge your relationship solely on 'passion.'

[DadofTwoGirls]

snow..you are correct in me basing everything solely on passion when it is intimacy I want:confused:..I do love her at least what I imagine as love:love:..I just am saddened that 17yrs can just dissapate before our eyes or mine and not see it or at least acting on it..I could go crazy just thinking of all the times I possibly could have made a difference on my end..when in hindsight it might not have mattered if she was slowly pulling away without me knowing..if that makes any sense..self-reflecting I'm sure the PA pushed her over the edge just from the vibes she probably felt..you know PA's at least to me are NOT WORTH IT..no emotion at all..since I can't go back in time I try to see the glass half full in finding the spark..even if she has a stone heart at least I'll be trying to get to her like a love struck man who can't take no for an answer.

[DadofTwoGirls]

rewe4reel..you are most likely correct in your response to how my wife feels..and if reversed I'd probably feel the same way..during our separation before going LC a month ago I'd email or text her with no response back..so when I sent her this letter a few days ago I expected no response again..she did respond last night and I have yet to read it for fear of exactly what you mentioned..although I will eventually, the anticipation is killing me..here's what I wrote her.. It's not that I can't or want to live without you, because I can, it's just that I don't want to.

 

During our separation I've read books on being a better spouse, seen a professional to be a better person and even trying new things to help me adjust but

through all of it I realize I love you more than anyone I have ever loved..and I am so scared that we will never find that passion/desire connection we want and deserve...I will not look back on the negatives but only forward with a positive passionate attitude in whatever life brings..you are a beautiful person and the best mom for our daughters..I know I am a great dad and I know we could accomplish whatever we wanted together..even if we don't as a couple we will still accomplish a great deal..it just seems like a waste to do it as individuals..I still love you xxxx.

 

XXXX

 

Hey I'll know at least where we stand (as of now) when I do read it.

[Spark1111]

Dadof2gs,

 

I know I am a great mother, and no one will ever take my children's love away from me, NO MATTER WHAT transpires between me and my husband.

 

I know I am an easy-going, cooperative partner in a LTR. No one can take that away from me either. I've seen high-maintenance, demanding spouses. Not me.

 

What I want as a woman, is a man who puts me and our relationship first: He flirts with me, dates me, is emotionally and sexually attracted to me; wants my time and attention, wants to have fun WITH ME as a woman, outside of the mother, wife, caretaker role. It's easy to begin to feel invisible as a woman when all your spouse talks to you about is the kids, the house, the bills, "What's for dinner?" and "Hey, you want to fool around tonight?" UGH! There is NO WOMAN in those conversations.

 

Women usually ask, beg, complain, or suggest this for many years.

 

Then they stop, sit back, and wait.

 

Then they shut down emotionally with the spouse. Then they begin to think "it's gotta be out there somewhere, maybe with someone else."

 

Then they tell you, ILYBIANLILWY. It's classic. But it has been brewing for a very long time. And it is almost always too late when you hear that line.

 

If you lost your passion for her 9 years ago, trust me on this, she knew it in her heart. Maybe that's when she began to distance herself from you. Maybe that's when she began to feel like the wifey and chief cook and bottle washer. Maybe that's when she began to feel like all you valued her for were her mothering capabilities.

 

I think you still do, and that's good. It just may not be enough to win her back.

 

Here's the bottom line, IMHO: All women want romance and passion. All women want to feel like they did as your girlfriend; cherished, desired, and important to you as a woman!

 

If every time you contact her there is a discussion regarding what is best for your daughters, you are still showing her that you value her most as their mother.

 

She NEEDS for you to be her boyfriend. And if you cannot do this from your heart, she will know it too. And she will try to find someone who can.

[giotto]

Dadof2gs,

 

I know I am a great mother, and no one will ever take my children's love away from me, NO MATTER WHAT transpires between me and my husband.

 

I know I am an easy-going, cooperative partner in a LTR. No one can take that away from me either. I've seen high-maintenance, demanding spouses. Not me.

 

What I want as a woman, is a man who puts me and our relationship first: He flirts with me, dates me, is emotionally and sexually attracted to me; wants my time and attention, wants to have fun WITH ME as a woman, outside of the mother, wife, caretaker role. It's easy to begin to feel invisible as a woman when all your spouse talks to you about is the kids, the house, the bills, "What's for dinner?" and "Hey, you want to fool around tonight?" UGH! There is NO WOMAN in those conversations.

 

Women usually ask, beg, complain, or suggest this for many years.

 

Then they stop, sit back, and wait.

 

Then they shut down emotionally with the spouse. Then they begin to think "it's gotta be out there somewhere, maybe with someone else."

 

Then they tell you, ILYBIANLILWY. It's classic. But it has been brewing for a very long time. And it is almost always too late when you hear that line.

 

If you lost your passion for her 9 years ago, trust me on this, she knew it in her heart. Maybe that's when she began to distance herself from you. Maybe that's when she began to feel like the wifey and chief cook and bottle washer. Maybe that's when she began to feel like all you valued her for were her mothering capabilities.

 

I think you still do, and that's good. It just may not be enough to win her back.

 

Here's the bottom line, IMHO: All women want romance and passion. All women want to feel like they did as your girlfriend; cherished, desired, and important to you as a woman!

 

If every time you contact her there is a discussion regarding what is best for your daughters, you are still showing her that you value her most as their mother.

 

She NEEDS for you to be her boyfriend. And if you cannot do this from your heart, she will know it too. And she will try to find someone who can.

 

well, I'm that woman... but I'm a man...

[DadofTwoGirls]

Spark1111...you are not only right on the mark, but absolutely correct in analyzing the way my wife felt and slowly slipped away from me..I guess the saying 'what comes around goes around' is something I will never deny as being false from here on out...spark1111. I read her response and guess what...you are abosolutely correct in everything you wrote how she feels to a 'T'...She said I would have to start from the beginning to have any hope of anything and also said 'yes I am 'talking' to someone I really like right now and where that goes I don't even know..she also said we only need to communicate in regards to our daughters..I had forgotten how strong of a woman I had married..how all the things YOU posted she was to me at one time..My gut feeling told me this is how she would respond and she did..Now my gut tells me I, at least at this point in my life do not have it in me to be anything else but the father I have always been to my daughters...maybe she was correct when she said.."your going to see you REALLY don't love me as much as you THINK you do once you process why I did what I did."..I will never get that look her eyes gave me, when she told me those words, out of my brain...The only strange thing is, I actually feel more relieved now than anytime since our separation.

Edited June 6, 2010 by DadofTwoGirls

[giotto]

also said 'yes I am 'talking' to someone I really like right now

 

she was probably already "talking" to someone else when she left you some months ago...

[DadofTwoGirls]

No doubt about the 'talking'..but I haven't had a bad feeling or thought since her response..It was great being out today and last night!!!. Guess when you get WHAT YOU WANTED sometimes is a good thing:love:..for me at least.