DadofTwoGirls Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I feel very guilty for my kids and wife that I have lost the passion and desire for her (wife)..since the separation I have pondered how can I get it back?..I truly want to have a marriage where both spouses have desire and the passion to be with eachother..Has anyone gotten their passion back for a spouse after losing it?...no matter how long it took.
martyjones47 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 You are separated now, right? I had great passion for my wife until and after she asked for a separation. It just left me one day, when I knew I had to start taking care of myself. I have no doubt, if we ended up back together, I could get that passion back. But for me, I'm better off without it while I move forward with my life.
Spark1111 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Yes, I believe we choose who we love and choose who we desire. But it has to be reciprocal: Both must want it, IMHO.
Author DadofTwoGirls Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 Marty yes for 2 months now (initiated by her for that reason)..spark..I really want to and I am hoping the time away will allow for that on my part anyhow.
califnan Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I think the marriage contract can have a lot to do with it .. With the knowledge that when you were married - the marriage was under God .. and that the Reverance for marriage is something not to be taken lightly .. If you realize the man's role in the marriage and the woman's role - She is his helpmeet, their bodies belong to each other as well as themselves.. So in short.. I think it is the respect for the marriage itself .. and that it is God's will.
Stung Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I haven't faced this challenge myself, but I have read of success stories on this board, Dadoftwogirls. Sometimes the attraction is smothered under resentment, or withers due to neglect, but I have heard of it being revived in both instances.
Iconoclast Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 You want it back? Can't give any advice on that unless you say how you lost it. I doubt separation is helpful. It will require behavioral changes...together.
Author DadofTwoGirls Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 how I lost it I could maybe start there..I'm trying to see if anyone has rekindled the passion and desire..and how long it took them...probably lost it around 9 yrs ago and it slowly died..IMO
giotto Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 how I lost it I could maybe start there..I'm trying to see if anyone has rekindled the passion and desire..and how long it took them...probably lost it around 9 yrs ago and it slowly died..IMO passion and desire are fine... but do you still love her?
Woggle Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Don't feel guilty. Being betrayed will do that to a person. She is not the woman you thought she was.
giotto Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Don't feel guilty. Being betrayed will do that to a person. She is not the woman you thought she was. Reading through the OP's previous posts, looks like it's his wife who thought he wasn't the man she married anymore... I think it's very important the OP knows and establishes the reasons for his sudden desire to rekindle the passion... maybe some IC is in order... and I'm afraid I am a bit pessimistic on the "is it possible" scenario... personally, I find that resentment and hurt get in the way too often... I find it difficult to forgive and forget...
Woggle Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Don't all walkway wives pretty much say that. They will come up with any crap to use a reason but it doesn't mean a man should take it seriously. He could be the best man that ever lived and she would still find a reason to resent him and blame him for her unhappiness. That is the way women like that are.
giotto Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Don't all walkway wives pretty much say that. They will come up with any crap to use a reason but it doesn't mean a man should take it seriously. He could be the best man that ever lived and she would still find a reason to resent him and blame him for her unhappiness. That is the way women like that are. you might have a point , but it's the OP who's actually saying that (75% his fault, 25% his wife's)... do you think his wife brainwashed him to that extent? (I know you'll say yes... lol)
Woggle Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 you might have a point , but it's the OP who's actually saying that (75% his fault, 25% his wife's)... do you think his wife brainwashed him to that extent? (I know you'll say yes... lol) Yes she probably has. Men have been brainwashed to believe it is always our fault. I blamed myself for my divorce at times in the past.
giotto Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Yes she probably has. Men have been brainwashed to believe it is always our fault. I blamed myself for my divorce at times in the past. ok, I won't blame myself for mine, when it comes...
Toodamnpragmatic Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Don't all walkway wives pretty much say that. They will come up with any crap to use a reason but it doesn't mean a man should take it seriously. He could be the best man that ever lived and she would still find a reason to resent him and blame him for her unhappiness. That is the way women like that are. Where men take the blame or note their faults (and not talking the most serious one cheating). Giotto has had time to sift through the OP's other posts where he takes 75% of the blame, which is magnanimous. In this thread he said he started losing the passion 9 years ago... Well how did the TWO of them go about trying to re-ignite passion or love..... That is a two way street and easily should have been worked on if the two are serious, which admittedly is not the case.
giotto Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Where men take the blame or note their faults (and not talking the most serious one cheating). Giotto has had time to sift through the OP's other posts where he takes 75% of the blame, which is magnanimous. In this thread he said he started losing the passion 9 years ago... Well how did the TWO of them go about trying to re-ignite passion or love..... That is a two way street and easily should have been worked on if the two are serious, which admittedly is not the case. well, apparently she tried, but he ignored her and after 9 years she left him... now, all of a sudden, he wants her back... Maybe there is an OM, who knows...
Author DadofTwoGirls Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 Thanks everyone..but only since the separation can I look back and think it started waning @ 8/9 yrs ago..I truly love my wife..I still have her constantly on my mind..I am assuming I must have totally been an undesireable partner to her only because she just wouldn't put our daughters through this..She told a close friend of ours 2 weeks after separating that her 'biggest fear' was that once I processed all that's happened I was going to realize I don't love her as much as I think I do..and the time away would send me one way or the other..my fear is she may be right..but I want to WANT to go back and not just for my girls since that would not be fair to anyone.
giotto Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Thanks everyone..but only since the separation can I look back and think it started waning @ 8/9 yrs ago..I truly love my wife..I still have her constantly on my mind..I am assuming I must have totally been an undesireable partner to her only because she just wouldn't put our daughters through this..She told a close friend of ours 2 weeks after separating that her 'biggest fear' was that once I processed all that's happened I was going to realize I don't love her as much as I think I do..and the time away would send me one way or the other..my fear is she may be right..but I want to WANT to go back and not just for my girls since that would not be fair to anyone. so, what do you think she thinks about all this? Have you talked to her? Do you think you can talk to her? Has she moved on?
rewe4reel Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 how I lost it I could maybe start there..I'm trying to see if anyone has rekindled the passion and desire..and how long it took them...probably lost it around 9 yrs ago and it slowly died..IMO I don't know your back story although I looked at your first or second post and it basically says after 17 years of marriage, two kids, your wife walked out on you/wanted to separate. This situation almost invariably means she is in an emotional and/or physical affair with another man. It also means she has been "detaching" from you for years prior to actually starting her affair and leaving you. Is the detachment your fault or her fault? It's difficult to say. But what you need to realize is that the cheating partner, as your wife most likely is, is probably at least as responsible for your loss of affection for her, as you are, if not much more so. In any case, the first issue that needs to be confronted is the sad fact that your wife's affections are directed to someone else, to a very great degree of probability. Whether or not you can regain affection for her after this issue has been confronted is a separate issue. But first things first--a marriage is a place for two people, not for three. It can't work no matter how hard you want it to, as long as she is cheating on you.
rewe4reel Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 she booked us a room together 2 weeks ago for a sporting tournament since I coach my girls and she is the manager which was really uncomfortable to me..It's hard to remain 'friends' when you're told I love you but am not in love with you. Dad of Two, the above quote is from your very first post at LS. I love you but I'm not in love with you = she is having an affair. Most likely, it is with someone she is in contact with in connection with the coaching--maybe another parent of a team member; maybe another coach in the league; etc. It's also possible it's someone related to her employment. Has she been talking recently about any man in particular, either in a good or bad context, related to the sports/coaching or her work activities? Has she mentioned anyone? If she has, that's a good candidate for her affair partner. If you want to try to save your marriage--and it is worth trying if only for your kids' sake--you need to start digging. Dig deep.
Stung Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 ILYBINILWY may often be subconscious code for 'there is another', but it's hardly an absolute. If I spent 9 years trying to get my husband's loving attention, to win back his passion and desire, all fruitlessly--I would probably walk away, too, in order to save myself. For many women, being in a marriage and being regarded without passion and taken for granted year after year is the emotional equivalent of slowly starving to death. Woggle's agenda will require him to say it's because of the lack of drama in your relationship, but the likely reality of the picture you have painted is that she has been wasting away for lack of your desire, and realizes that she deserves love rather than just complacent co-parenting. I have admittedly not read ALL of Dadof2's posts but from those I have looked over I got the impression that he is on many levels actually relieved his marriage is dissolving, only cares for his wife as a friend and mother of his children rather than also as a wife and lover, and his main motivation at trying to recover this marriage is guilt. He also states himself in this very thread that his wife has expressed to others that she doesn't think he really loves her, that she is afraid his desire to recover his marriage is just a knee-jerk response. Dadof2, it's not clear what anybody's motivation is at this point, IMO. You said once that she was resisting counseling, but what you say above about her fears and uncertainties suggests that you might still be really good candidates for it. She has possibly reached a point where she is feeling so pessimistic she just can't see it making any difference, but if you really want your marriage to work, your best bet is probably to convince her that counseling with a specialist might be your saving grace. Bottom line, I doubt you'll be able to rekindle your passion without it, if you are able to at all. I have heard of success stories, as I previously stated, but trying to rediscover romance after nine dry years, motivated only by guilt...honestly, that sounds like an uphill battle at best.
Author DadofTwoGirls Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 (edited) Honestly rewe4reel..all what you stated could be and probably is true as she has stated before she left..of course she denied having an ea/pa with OM but we know according to post on these sites that means nothing...The problem isn't forgiving her..I can do that..it's what has gotten me to where I am at which is the lack of passion and desire for her that concerns me..I want my 9 and 11 yr old daughters to have the stability they always had but with parents who also want each other...maybe she has gone past the point of no return and just can't tell me..either way I have to try for myself to get it back then I can say I tried. Stung..I am seeing a therapist myself to see if it helps...I am relieved she woke me out of the rut we were in..and yes..she stated she doesn't want to go through this anymore having exhausted all attempts to reach me..but why move 2 blocks from my place of employment?..to keep the kids close?.and why try to get me to rent a house down the street from her?...I don't think she knows yet what she wants just she needed to get out from me..and yes it is guilt I feel and lots of it. Edited June 3, 2010 by DadofTwoGirls
Snowflower Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Dadof2, I may have you mixed up with another LS poster, but didn't you have a year long A? If so, that might be strongly influencing your wife's decisions/behavior. If I am wrong, please accept my apology.
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