Why NC is Critical : A Neurological Viewpoint

[northstar1]

Most of us eventually reason that NC is the best way to move on past a breakup and heal yourself.

 

Some embrace NC for the right reason (to move on) some for the wrong (gameplaying to bring back the ex)

 

But there is also a neurological reason why ceasing all contact (active and passive) is crucial to moving on in a healthy way and to stop swirling around in a vortex of memories and nostalgia. Memories are a killer.

 

Memories begin with perception from our senses. So when we begin dating and then move into a relationshiop someone, our senses take in everything. Sights, Smells, Touch, Sounds etc. And as we do that we begin to encode these experiences into neural pathways (nerve cells). Like you would if you start recording a show on your PVR or downloading something onto your computer. Except with the brain it is done with neurotransmitters firing across your synapses in an electrical fashion.

 

As you learn and experience the world and changes occur at the pathways , more connections in your brain are created. The brain organizes and reorganizes itself in response to your experiences, forming memories triggered by the effects of outside input prompted by experience, education, or training.

These changes are reinforced with use, so that as you learn and practice new information, intricate circuits of knowledge and memory are built in the brain. If you play a piece of music over and over, for example, the repeated firing of certain cells in a certain order in your brain makes it easier to repeat this firing later on. If you do things with your ex over and over, same thing. And at the same time, the emotions associated with each of these things is encoded (elation, joy, fufilment etc)

 

Basically you've wired your brain with a lot of pathways that relate to your ex.

 

So when you breakup, those pathways are still fresh and easily recalled by any cues that associate with your ex. Could be the smell of roses, could be a certain song, tv show, restaurant, etc. These triggers can fire the pathways and bring back all the emotions associated with those memories. Hence why it hurts so much if you see a picture of your ex, or hear a song you associate a moment in time with.

 

The only way to unwire or cut these pathways is through removing, as much as possible, those triggers. Over time, without them, those pathways will degrade and be replaced with new memories and experiences. Think of it as writing over memory on your computer harddrive. Eventually, those memories will occupy a smaller and smaller part of your brain, with less connections to be 'awakened' and less connections to your emotions.

 

If you stay in contact with an ex, you are still triggering those pathways, whether it is looking at their facebook profile, texting them, keeping pictures of them. looking at old notes etc. All these things are keeping the cycle going and those emotional responsese will just keep hitting you in waves.

 

The longer you keep in any form of contact, the longer it will take for you to wipe them out of your active brain and be happy.

Edited June 2, 2010 by northstar1

[Perhaps]

Most of us eventually reason that NC is the best way to move on past a breakup and heal yourself.

 

Some embrace NC for the right reason (to move on) some for the wrong (gameplaying to bring back the ex)

 

But there is also a neurological reason why ceasing all contact (active and passive) is crucial to moving on in a healthy way and to stop swirling around in a vortex of memories and nostalgia. Memories are a killer.

 

Memories begin with perception from our senses. So when we begin dating and then move into a relationshiop someone, our senses take in everything. Sights, Smells, Touch, Sounds etc. And as we do that we begin to encode these experiences into neural pathways (nerve cells). Like you would if you start recording a show on your PVR or downloading something onto your computer. Except with the brain it is done with neurotransmitters firing across your synapses in an electrical fashion.

 

As you learn and experience the world and changes occur at the pathways , more connections in your brain are created. The brain organizes and reorganizes itself in response to your experiences, forming memories triggered by the effects of outside input prompted by experience, education, or training.

These changes are reinforced with use, so that as you learn and practice new information, intricate circuits of knowledge and memory are built in the brain. If you play a piece of music over and over, for example, the repeated firing of certain cells in a certain order in your brain makes it easier to repeat this firing later on. If you do things with your ex over and over, same thing. And at the same time, the emotions associated with each of these things is encoded (elation, joy, fufilment etc)

 

Basically you've wired your brain with a lot of pathways that relate to your ex.

 

So when you breakup, those pathways are still fresh and easily recalled by any cues that associate with your ex. Could be the smell of roses, could be a certain song, tv show, restaurant, etc. These triggers can fire the pathways and bring back all the emotions associated with those memories. Hence why it hurts so much if you see a picture of your ex, or hear a song you associate a moment in time with.

 

The only way to unwire or cut these pathways is through removing, as much as possible, those triggers. Over time, without them, those pathways will degrade and be replaced with new memories and experiences. Think of it as writing over memory on your computer harddrive. Eventually, those memories will occupy a smaller and smaller part of your brain, with less connections to be 'awakened' and less connections to your emotions.

 

If you stay in contact with an ex, you are still triggering those pathways, whether it is looking at their facebook profile, texting them, keeping pictures of them. looking at old notes etc. All these things are keeping the cycle going and those emotional responsese will just keep hitting you in waves.

 

The longer you keep in any form of contact, the longer it will take for you to wipe them out of your active brain and be happy.

 

Very well said. You, my dear sir, have effectively explained an emotional concept using a logical explanation.

[Ilovecake]

I always love reading about the science of relationships and breakups. Thank you for posting that, very informative.

[KafkasLastWords]

I am reading a book that talks about this subject and HIGHLY recommend it. It's called "A General Theory of Love" by Thomas Lewis and it explores emotion as a psychobiological construct. Really sheds a lot of light on things from a very rational and intellectual perspective. Let's be honest, most of us have probably had enough of looking at things emotionally for now...

[GrayClouds]

A perfect response for those who want to intellectualize or rationalize why going NC is different for them. (Good post northstar1)

 

NC works

 

Anything less may or may not work.

 

If you love yourself, go for the sure thing.

[DadofTwoGirls]

Sounds great but harder when childen are involved..I am currently trying LC which would take longer and trigger newer unpleasant memories like not being with your kids all the time...but if the overall result is I find passion and desire again for my wife it will be worth it..if I find I still can't then it will be time lost from my girls..I need to read up more on the subject.

[Ilovecake]

I am reading a book that talks about this subject and HIGHLY recommend it. It's called "A General Theory of Love" by Thomas Lewis and it explores emotion as a psychobiological construct. Really sheds a lot of light on things from a very rational and intellectual perspective. Let's be honest, most of us have probably had enough of looking at things emotionally for now...

 

Thanks for the book suggestion. I just popped it in my Amazon wish list.

[ADF]

Well done. Knowing how our brains work make it much easier to make good decision rather than rash, emotional ones. The old saw, "time heals all wounds," isn't just a cliche. It is a true statement about how we cope with grief at a neurological level.

[teanoranges]

The logical 'science' behind all this is what kept me alive in the worst of times... ei: the beginning of the end.

 

You just can't deny the reality and facts.